The woman pushing the arm of her husband down when he tries to raise it for McCain is funny. The people in the room chuckling in the background when the Fox News guy says the vote is split is funnier still.
And I guess since this is kind of a political post, I might as well pass this along.
As I’ve made pretty clear, I’m a huge fan of the first 4 seasons of The West Wing, aka “The Aaron Sorkin Years.” Follow this link to read Sorkin’s take on a meeting between Senator Obama and President Bartlet. Good stuff: Aaron Sorkin Conjures a Meeting of Obama and Bartlet
Oh boy, I did lots today. Today was so super. Here is a list of the top eight things I did today:
1. I saw a trailer for Speed Racer today. It was a really cool trailer. I think I want to make a list of the Top 12 trailers of movies based on old cartoons. This would be different from the list I proposed of the top 12 movies based on old cartoons because it would just be about the trailers
2. I had an awesome breakfast. The top five things in my breakfast today, in no particular order, were scrambled eggs, whole wheat toast, crispy bacon, Valencia orange juice, and strawberry jam. I don’t know if it ranks in my top 15 breakfasts of all time, but it certainly ranks in my top nine homemade breakfasts of all time
3. I got in a heated debate about American Idol today with one of my coworkers. She said that David Archuleta was the greatest Idol contestant whose last name ended in a vowel and I said he wouldn’t even crack the top four, what with Fantasia Barrino, Justin Guarini, Bo Bice, and Kimberly Locke. She said nuh-uh, Locke doesn’t end with a vowel and I said yeah-huh. And she was totally better. Remember that song “8th World Wonder.” That has numbers and words. I like numbers and words. It’s almost like a list but not quite
4. I thought of several lists today. The top three lists I thought of were Top 25 Movies featuring veterinarians, Top 15 actors who appeared in Burger King commercials (Elisabeth Shue, I’m thinking you’re up there!), and Top 50 uses of synthesizers in 80s songs. Those are awesome lists.
5. I got home early so I was able to catch up on the TiVo for my favorite show: E’s “The Daily 10.” That show is so cool. It puts entertainment news in list form, which makes it more important to me. They should really do the news news, like the Darfur stuff, you know, in list form. It would make it so much easier to follow.
6. I did a list with Roman numerals instead of numbers, and that was kind of neat. Numbers are better for lists, but Roman numerals are good for a change of pace or if you meet a Roman and you want to speak his language. Letters are OK too, but you’re going have so many letters in the actual list, you should just use numbers. I think it goes, in order, numbers, Roman numerals, letters, and then wingdings. Wingdings are the worst because they’re weird.
7. Someone posted a comment that it was so much better years ago when Entertainment Weekly put out an important list once or twice a year, but I totally nailed that guy. I gave him 20 reasons why daily lists are better than biannual lists and I ordered them from least awesome to most awesome which is the best way to structure a list. It was definitely in the top 75 responses to a reader complaint about our lists of all time. So eat that, hotpants17!
8. I bought an orangutan.
So that was my day. Out of all the days in the week it was definitely in the top 7 Write to you tomorrow!
So this year’s edition of Rock of Love, Rock of Love 2 with Brett Michaels, ended on Sunday with Ambre taking the crown as Brett’s “rock of love.” Amidst a sea of skanks, media-whores, and women of ill repute, Ambre displayed class, poise, and the perfect dose of sexiness to woo the lead singer of Poison. Her performance was undeniably a thing of beauty. One may even call it Jordanesque. In fact, Ambre’s rise to “rock of love” status has a distinct correlation to the career of Michael Jordan. As Michael Jordan established himself as the most prolific basketball player of his generation, Ambre established herself as the greatest female suitor in the Rock of Love house.
Episode 1: When the women whore themselves out to Brett on their first day seeing him, Ambre stays back and chooses to stay above the fray. She almost gets cut from the show, but, stunningly, Jackye quits on her own and Ambre is given another chance.
Connection to MJ: Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, thus establishing his legend of overcoming an early obstacle
Episode 2: Ambre takes advantage of her second chance by being amongst the top three in the Peep Show, where the contestants had to demonstrate a talent for Brett. Ambre’s talent was “giving presents” so she wrapped herself up in a bow and unwrapped herself for Brett. This showed Brett that she was interested in him, that she was sexy, and that she was creative.
Connection to MJ: Jordan truly burst onto the scene early on when he hit the game winning shot in the NCAA Championship game as a Freshman against Georgetown. While Jordan was surrounded by stars much more highly touted than he (as was Ambre), Jordan established himself as a clutch performer.
Episode 3: Ambre fights hard but ultimately loses in the Roller Derby where they have to protect baby Brett. She stays above the fray when other girls try to interrupt Kristy Joe’s solo date
Connection to MJ: Probably the hardest direct correlation of the lot, but let’s compare this to Jordan falling to third in the 1984 NBA Draft. He wasn’t bitter or frustrated, but it put a chip on MJ’s shoulder so he could go out and prove he was the best.
Episode 4: Ambre continues to shine as her team wins the “motorcycle repair” challenge and Ambre gets to do a 50s style photo shoot. Ambre’s classic and classy beauty is perfect for the shoot. But the other bitches on her team, like Megan, contnue to rag and hate on her.
Connection to MJ: Jordan’s rookie year was nothing less of sensational. Jordan’s athleticism and ability to score coupled with a photo on the cover of Sports Illustrated with the title “A Star is Born” turns Jordan into the next superstar. He gets selected to the All-Star game but bitches on his team, like Isaiah Thomas, hate on him and try to freeze him out.
Episode 5: In the second annual Mud Bowl, Ambre clearly leads her team in an unlikely and epic athletic performance. Ambre squares off against Daisy (it really was between these two the whole time, wasn’t it?) with mud and blood flying. She gets injured but battles through. The game goes into overtime, but in the end Ambre loses.
Connection to MJ: Coming off an injury-plagued season, Jordan faces off against Larry Bird and the Boston Celtics in the Boston Garden for a memorable playoff game. Jordan puts in a record 63 points in an epic athletic performance. The game goes into overtime, but in the end Jordan loses.
Episode 6: After battling through her injuries, Ambre shines in the cowgirl competition, riding against a professional rider in Katherine, and her team wins. Jessica gets the MVP and the solo date. On the group date, while Ambre talks and connects with Brett emotionally, Kristy Joe steals the spotlight by making out hard with Brett in the “dinner in the dark.” But Ambre was winning Brett over as the most complete player in the game.
Connection to MJ: Jordan comes back the following season from his injury and puts up the most prolific numbers of his career, 37.1 ppg, over 200 steals and 100 blocks (first time in NBA history, 86% from the line and 48% from the field, but Magic Johnson won the MVP and the NBA title. Others would win titles and MVPs, but Jordan established himself as the most complete player in the game.
Episode 7: Ambre partners with Kristy Joe for a performance for war veterans. They lose, but Ambre comes through with one of her most clutch performances in the series. When Brett asks everyone at dinner which girls are there for the wrong reasons, all the girls hesitate to rock the boat with honesty, except for Ambre who takes a big shot at Kristy Joe. Ambre’s honesty was exactly what Brett wanted and she got the first VIP pass. She had frontrunner status from then on.
Connection to MJ: MJ took his own shot – known to the basketball world and especially to Cleveland fans as “The Shot”, hitting a straight-on jumper over Craig Ehlo at the buzzer of Game 5 in a first round series, propelling the Bulls to the next round of the playoffs. That game-winner established Jordan as the top clutch shooter in basketball and the most feared player with the ball in his hands.
Episode 8: In an episode where the girls have to make a music video, Ambre steps up and directs, and considering her limited resources did a very good job. Megan derisively says, “What does she think she is, Martin Scorsese?” but Ambre’s effort compared to the orgy masturbation video turned in by Daisy’s crew wins her a solo date with Brett where they connect on a spiritual level. Ambre is distancing herself from the competition, a passing of the torch of sorts from former frontrunner Daisy.
Connection to MJ: Jordan wins his first championship, adding leadership to his immense talents and pushing the Bulls past pre-AIDS Magic Johnson and the LA Lakers for the title. It was a passing of the torch from Magic to Michael, and MJ would never look back.
Episode 9: Ex-boyfriends infilrate the house and Ambre is expecting her ex-fiancee to dish dirt on her. To Ambre’s surprise, her best friend has come instead. While Brett gets dirt from ex-boyfriends, Ambre gets nothing but praise from her friend. In the same episode, a bombshell is dropped that Daisy still lives with her ex in a one-bedroom apartment. This will ultimately crush any chance Daisy has of winning Brett’s trust.
Connection to MJ: This is like when Jordan hit six three pointers in the first half of a Finals game in 1992, with 3 pointers not really the most noted part of his game, and threw his arms up to the announcers on the sideline. He didn’t know he had it in him and it seemed like Jordan was leading a charmed life. And Magic’s AIDS equals Daisy’s ex situation. She could never recover.
Episode 10: The girls go to Vegas and Ambre seemingly fades away, letting Daisy’s ex-relationship and Jessica’s drunkenness take the spotlight. Being out of the spotlight only seems to highlight her sanity and makes her stronger as a counterpoint to the other girls.
Connection to MJ: Jordan went away to play baseball. His absence from the game only seemed to highlight his importance to the game. Also, Michael Jordan did a little movie called “Space Jam” where he shined against several cartoonish characters in a ridiculous contest. That’s quite a parallel, isn’t it? (By the way, the Space Jam lineup of the greatest players in the game: Muggsy Bogues, Larry Johnson, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, and Shawn Bradley? First of all, the best players in the game? Really? And who’s the shooting guard? Grand-ma-ma? A quick team with good guard play destroys them. I could never take this film seriously.)
Episode 11: Ambre faces her toughest obstacle. Ambre’s dad reveals to Brett that she is 37. Problem is, she told Brett she was 32. Honesty, or lack thereof, thwarted girls’ chances in the past. But what does Ambre do? She tells Brett she loves him. She rises above. And then in the elimination, she lets Daisy take the hero role in outing Destiney’s lack of love for Brett.
Connection to MJ: Jordan overcomes the flu in game 5 of the 1997 Finals in one of the greatest single performances in NBA history, rising above adversity to will his team to victory. And then in the decisive game 6, Jordan passed up the game-winning shot to Steve Kerr.
Episode 12: In a head-to-head duel with Daisy, Ambre is called out as not being sexy. Ambre responds by delivering the death blow. She seduces Brett, gives him an erotic massage, declares at dinner that she wasn’t wearing underwear, and then shows the goods Basic Instinct style. What does Daisy do under pressure? She vomits on a boat. Not only is Ambre saner, she becomes sexier and willing to deliver under pressure. It was the performance that truly sealed Ambre’s legacy.
Connection to MJ: In a crucial back and forth deciding Game 6 of the 1998 Finals, Michael Jordan takes over the end of the game, which many suspect may be his last, stealing the ball and putting on an offensive exhibition in the last minute, culminating with a game-winning shot over Bryon Russell. It was the shot that could forever define his legacy.
Now it wasn’t truly the end of Michael Jordan’s career and the tour won’t end for Ambre either. Jordan sputtered as an owner and had a comeback in a Wizards jersey that many of us would like to forget. All I’m saying is, it might be really creepy if Ambre breaks up with Brett, later goes on to own a less successful band like, say, Winger, and then in a desperate attempt to revitalize the band starts dating Kip Winger. That amount of parallel would be frightening.
Dr. Phil has been criticized for his involvement in trying to help Britney Spears. Maybe Dr. Phil is an opportunist or maybe he truly cares, but the better question is “Would he help?” Would he be a good doctor for Ms. Spears to visit? So I’ve decided to compile a list of noted doctors. We’ll take a look at how they would treat Britney Spears and whether they would be a Good Doctor or a Bad Doctor.
Dr. Drew Pinsky Treatment: Bring her into Celebrity Rehab where she can detox and discuss her problems with the guy from Taxi and a couple porn stars. Analysis: The self-described addictionologist can help wean Britney off her drink of choice – Red Bull, Vodka, and Cherry NyQuil – and get her the medical attention she needs. But more importantly, she can take a look at the has-beens in front of her and improve her self-esteem by repeating to herself, “It’s Britney, bitch.” Would this make her more likely to believe she doesn’t really have a problem comparatively? Maybe. But Dr. Drew can show Britney barely living examples of where she could be if she doesn’t get her life in order. And his experience on Loveline can help her get out of the unhealthy relationship with Adnan Ghalib. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Doc Brown Treatment: Transport Britney back to the start of her career so she can live her life differently. Analysis: Doc Brown would sit Britney down in the Delorean and take her back to the late 90s, during “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” when she was still a virgin (insert winking emoticon) She would realize that she should keep better company, live a better lifestyle, realize she can do better than JT (that may be a stretch), and determine that her talents lie solely in her delicious late 90s ass. When she realizes people will get sick of her vocals and her crazy partying, she can channel her career into more acting roles, fitness videos, and any other thing she can more accurately copy from Madonna’s body of work. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. Laura Treatment: Blame all Britney’s troubles on her kiss with Madonna and attempt to cure Britney of her homosexuality Analysis: Dr. Laura’s diagnosis would not help because making Britney more heterosexual would make her more likely to pop out additional babies, and that’s only going to augment her problems because she has trouble taking care of the kids she already has. And two women kissing doesn’t necessarily make them homosexual, it makes them awesome. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Dre Treatment: Try to revitalize Britney’s music career by laying down sick beats. Analysis: Now here’s a solution! What better way to revitalize a music career than collaborating with one of the greatest producers in Hip Hop history. Also, it’s a way to get at ex-lover JT by working with Timbaland’s predecessor as the preeminent music producer. Successful music can ultimately improve Britney’s self-esteem to the point where she becomes a contributing member of society. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. 90210 Treatment: Improve Britney’s self-image through plastic surgery. Analysis: Sadly, Britney would not benefit from Dr. 90210’s popular procedures. Breast augmentation is unnecessary since babies and ho-hos have already started that process. And any tummy tucks or lyposuction would be undone anytime the Cheesy Gordita Crunch is available at Taco Bell. Self image is always unstable when you consume the alcohol and drugs that she reportedly ingests. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. J Treatment: Embarrass Britney into a more healthy lifestyle by posterizing her with thunderous yet graceful dunks Analysis: The man who turned dunking into an art form when he transitioned from the ABA to the NBA would probably talk trash as he’s raining down slams and jams right in the Notorious B.S.’s face. While the rim-rocking display would be entertaining, it would more than likely not cure Britney of what ails her. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Giggles Treatment: Torture Britney through unlicensed and often ironic use of medical equipment. Analysis: There comes a time when drastic measures are necessary. And maybe a maniacal doctor taking revenge on the town that stoned his father to death is just the answer. Giggles’ witty pun-laden quips would get the message through Britney’s skull, most likely when he is jamming a sharp instrument through her skull. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR Dr. Pepper Treatment: Provide cola refreshment with the extra kick provided by its 23 flavors. Analysis: While surely refreshing and more accredited than competitor Mr. Pibb, Dr. Pepper would only remind Britney how much she likes her sugar-filled drinks to be complemented with Everclear or other alcoholic additives. She doesn’t need that. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Seuss Treatment: Provide life lessons in simple colorful rhyme schemes Analysis: Assuming Britney knows how to read, reading this children’s literature would be helpful in telling Britney how to behave like a good person instead of a skeezle, beezle, or bum. And as a bonus, if she reads these books with her children, she could look like a good mother even when she may not be one. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Juris Doctor Treatment: Instill Britney with knowledge about laws so she becomes better at not breaking them. Analysis: The more Britney learns about the law, the more she’s apt to actually break the law. For example, if she knew there was a law against public urination we would have seen her urinate in public already. She relishes the role of bad girl. It’s not her ignorance of the law that seems to be the problem, it’s her disdain for law.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Doc Martens Treatment: Give Britney a swift kick in the ass. Analysis: Simple. Straightforward. Effective. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. Atkins Treatment: Improve Britney’s physical condition by prescribing a low-carb lifestyle.
Analysis: Reducing carbs will only remove the non-alcoholic portion of Britney’s mixed drink, which will most likely make her more drunk and thus more of a problem. Also, Britney does not seem like she would stick to the regimen because of a lack of discipline and a lack of understanding of what carbohydrates are (Wait, if it’s Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, does that, like, burn the carbohydrates off, y’all?) For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Scholl’s Treatment: Give Britney’s feet a rest through shoe inserts that will have her “gellin’ like Magellan” Analysis: After years of being on the road and shooting highly choreographed music videos, maybe more comfortable shoes would help Britney relax into a more comfortable lifestyle. She could regain the precise and mildly pornographic dance moves that catapulted her to super-stardom instead of the lazy, immobile moves she displayed at last year’s VMAs. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
The Spin Doctors Treatment: Serenade her with such 90s alt-rock hits as “Two Princes” and “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” Analysis: While this jam band breaks out all the hits from their multi-platinum album Pocket Full of Kryptonite, Britney might realize that her music and subsequently her life, isn’t all that bad. I mean, they had their one album and faded into oblivion, while Britney keeps churning out hits even when she’s mentally unstable. To be honest, this is probably worse for The Spin Doctors. The fact that they would reunite and the best gig they can get is at Promises trying to convince Britney not to kill herself. It’s sad. For Britney, GOOD DOCTORS
And finally. . . Dr. Phil Treatment: State the obvious to Britney in a slow Southern drawl so she can understand that what she’s doing is often stupid Analysis: While Dr. Phil speaks the same language as Britney, his recommendations will probably fall on deaf ears because Britney knows mishandling her kids and abusing substances are bad for her. She just likes doing them. Some quack repeating it slowly in simple language isn’t a deterrent. It’s annoying. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
In the New Year 2008, I really want to write a lot more and this blog is one of the areas I want to improve on in terms of regularity. So one of my New Years resolutions was to write here every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. As with my resolutions to run at least three days a week (too tired from New Years) and to not get so drunk in public that I cause a scene and get scolded by the elderly (guilty), I already broke my resolution to write here more by being too hung over after attending the Rose Bowl. But I want to start and try to make this work. And what better subject to talk about than drinking:
I was watching this movie on Lifetime a while back called “The Party Never Stops: Diary of a Binge Drinker.” Now I don’t normally watch Lifetime movies (no really I don’t. Stop judging me.), but I saw a description at EW.com and thought the movie spoke to me on a personal level. It stars Sara Paxton (trying desperately to transition from child to adult roles) as Jesse Tanner, a high school track star who gets to college as a shy lass and begins drinking so that she can fit in. Nancy Travis plays her mother, apparently because So I Married an Axe Murderer 2 is still in preproduction after a dozen years or so, and grows worried when Jesse doesn’t answer her phone calls. You see, Jesse is now using alcohol as a crutch, which is bullshit because a crutch helps you walk. Jesse is determined and focused but enjoys going out with her friends and getting obliterated. These were the drinking highlights of Jesse’s Freshman year: take first drink in dorm room with the girls, get trashed at Frat party, go on double date with massive Senior tool, sleep with massive Senior tool on the first date, find out he has a girlfriend, get fake ID, sleep with random guy who doesn’t know her name, come back to dorm room after afternoon drinking to find mom there, go to San Diego for Spring Break and appear topless on the internet, fail to make the track team, have that awkward talk with mom about being topless on the internet, swear off drinking, say “fuck that” at frat party and crash car into fire hydrant, get arrested, swear off drinking again, find roommate dead from alcohol poisoning, write down a journal, sell rights to Lifetime. It’s like they were writing my story.
Movies that involve drinking have always been dear to my heart. I especially admire characters who drink well beyond the acceptable human limits to comedic or dramatic effect. When a character can consume a ridiculous amount of alcohol, that character, if he or she is lucky enough, can enter what I call The Movie Drinking Pantheon. These characters should be admired, respected for their willingness to say “Rehab’s for Quitters. Cirrhosis is Super.”
So here are the five original inductees to the Movie Drinking Pantheon, in no particular order:
Arthur (Dudley Moore) in Arthur - Arthur is a wealthy socialite who has lived his life like a kid. His family’s ultimatum forcing him to marry Susan, a woman he does not love, only causes him to drink more. And more. Until he’s staggering and stumbling through the whole film. Highlights include Arthur’s proposal scene at a fancy restaurant where his Scotch is in the middle of his white china plate instead of food, leaving a drink on the bumper of his car as he staggers to meet Linda, and collapsing at his wedding. Arthur’s diminutive size makes his drinking feats all the more impressive. Pound for pound, maybe the greatest drinker in cinema history.
Bluto Blutarsky (John Belushi) in Animal House- While Bluto drinks through most of this movie at a frighteningly awesome rate, what truly makes his drinking feats is drinking a whole bottle of Jack Daniels and smashing the bottle on a car saying, “Thanks, I needed that.” It’s hard enough to drink water from a glass that fast, let alone Tennessee whiskey from a bottle. Almost as impressive as a friend of mine in college who did a two beer beer bong in 1 .5 seconds. Seven years of pre-med or pre-law (what’s the difference) was time well spent for Bluto.
Ben Sanderson (Nicholas Cage) in Leaving Las Vegas - Here is a case to remind us that alcoholism is not just about laughs, it’s serious business too. Ben Sanderson has come to Las Vegas in order to drink himself to death. This is one of the activities that Vegas.com neglects to mention, but the ever-intuitive Sanderson decides to make his trip to Vegas a memorable one drinking-wise. He wakes up to a hard alcohol breakfast and stumbles through the day. Even the charms of the lovely prostitute Sera (Elizabeth Shue) cannot deter Ben from his dreams. For your dedication, Mr. Sanderson, I salute you. Wait, you’re saying this movie is not out to glorify drinking. Then I completely missed the point. Probably cause I was drunk playing the ever popular and lethal Leaving Las Vegas drinking game.
Willie/Santa (Billy Bob Thornton) in Bad Santa - When one measures alcoholic exploits, one often looks at consistency, speed, and also drinking when nobody thinks you should. Willie nails all of these categories. Not only does Willie drink constantly, but as evidenced by his shot after shot of tequila and by his full case polish-off before an early robbery, he is not merely a distance drinker. Drinking alcohol that you pour over a child’s gash and drinking before playing Santa Clause at the mall are great ways of upping the ante and drinking at inappropriate times. Willie’s lofty status in the pantheon of movie drinking is aided by his innate ability to urinate on himself. Clearly deserving our respect.
Ralph/Bernadette (Terence Stamp) in The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert- Sure, the drink-off in a bar between a cocky patron and the bar owner has been done. But where else has the patron been a cross-dressing transsexual? Bernadette proves her womanhood by standing up to the boys and outdrinking the bar’s rep. A huge upset for those that did not follow Bernadette on the bus through the desert like we did. Bernadette is as intimidating as she is ladylike and proves that great movie drunkenness is not just for men, it’s also for he-shes.
(Bet you didn’t think a post with the title “Movie Drinking Pantheon” would reference both a Lifetime movie and a movie about drag queens.)
There’s the initial five. Names can be added, but only if they show the ability to drink beyond human limits as demonstrated by these particular characters. Their performances will forever be cherished.
I have a dilemma that I would like your help with. But first. . .
The sketch comedy writing show I’ve been working on for a while is finally set to open this week. Hungry Like the Wolfowitz, starring a stellar cast from Second City Los Angeles and written by myself along with four other very talented writers, opens this Thursday, October 18th at 8:00 PM. It will run for four Thursdays and seating is limited so get your tickets early. The theater is located at The Second City Studio Theater, 6560 Hollywood Blvd., Hollywood, CA, 90028. Box office # is 323/464-8542. For more info, check us out on myspace at www.myspace.com/hungry_wolfowitz
The other big news is that three of the writers from this show (myself, Kristina Adelmeyer, and Christo Angeloff) and Dan Reber from the other writing show (’Zombies, Whores, and Puppets’ at 9:30 PM the next four Thursdays at Second City) have been writing and filming material that can now be seen on the web! It’s called Hello Sundays. We now have three videos up and we plan to post something on Sundays for the next few weeks.
Hope to see you at the show if you are in Los Angeles. And no matter where you live, you can check out our work online.
Now, back to the matter at hand. The show that I work on is having a big party in less than two weeks. Formal cocktail attire. In an airplane hangar. Very cool. Should be a lot of fun. However, it is an event where I can bring myself plus one guest and the problem is that I don’t have any good leads on the “plus one” at the moment. The following are some options and I would like some feedback on who should go.
1. Girl who is a friend #1 - This girl is someone who I have been trying to go out with for a while. She is super nice, like nominated for sainthood nice. The problem has been every time I have asked her out, she has had a conflict because she does so much charity work. (This is actually true. I know a lot of stuff I wrote about in the past and stuff I will write further down in the column is a joke, but this is true. She is completely selfless.) I think she might be so nice that she will tire of my antics quickly, but I’m not sure. Going out with her would either confirm or deny my suspicion. But not sure if this is the occasion. And there’s also the sneaking suspicion I have that she’s just not that into me.
2. Girl who is a friend #2 - This girl is someone I was in contact with somewhat regularly a few months ago and I tried to go out with her at the time. Very cautiously (”Your friends are in town? Great, let’s hang out!”) but ineffective nonetheless. She flew home a lot at the time when it would have worked out and also found great excuses why we couldn’t make it out until our communication grinded to a halt before briefly picking up again. And also she’s a beauty queen. Like there was a contest where people judge you on how beautiful you are and she fuckin’ won. So I’m thinking she probably blew me off (and unfortunately not the good kind) or didn’t like me like that and didn’t have the heart to tell me. I’ve tried to bring her out to screenings and such in the past without much success; do I go for it on 4th and 20?
3. A Prostitute - I could obviously hire a professional escort. They are paid good sums of money because of their expertise in accompanying their clients - “johns” - on events such as the one I’m going to. She can inform my coworkers on sexually transmitted diseases and her tales from prison may be interesting to people who work on this police-based show. If I were to hire a professional, I would try to find one with an engaging personality, a quick wit, and medium-sized breasts so as not to tip off her prostitutishness to my co-workers. The problem with this scenario is not only is it costly, but it may reflect poorly on me when I come in to work on Monday if my co-workers figure out she is a prostitute.
4. A blowup doll - Not only is the blowup doll high comedy, but it is also a pretty easy date. There’s a 95% chance I would get some later. However, the big drawback to this guest is that blowup dolls can’t talk. Ideally a guest that I would bring would be able to engage me in conversation in order to break up the evening a bit and help me keep enough distance from co-workers that I don’t become intrusive. Conversations with blow-up dolls are too often a one-way street.
5. Try to meet a random girl at Oktoberfest - I am going to Oktoberfest on Friday. The clientele is really diverse (from families to crazy people) and there is a good chance I won’t find a woman who is interested under the age of 40. But booze will be flowing. This will make for a really awkward first date, going to a formal cocktail party in an airplane hangar. But it could be impressive to said girl and with the right girl the evening might be quite nice. Big gamble banking on the “right girl” doing the chicken dance in Torrance.
6. Try to invite someone who’s at the writing show - This is an intriguing possibility as well. It depends on how our crowd is on Thursday but there may be people there that I have somewhat of a history with. Without the history, it’s the same gamble as Oktoberfest, lessened by the common ground of having seen the show. They will have a sense of humor which is welcome. But we’re looking at a much smaller sample size here.
7. Try to meet a random girl at ND/USC gamewatch - ND will face USC and probably lose because they have lost almost every game they’ve played this year (They are essentially a high school team at almost every position, returning the fewest lettermen in Div. 1-A, due to transfers and poor recruiting classes by Ty Willingham, but that’s a different column) Bottom line is, they stink. But there will still be some more ND people coming out to watch the rivalry game than usual, I think. I may know some of them. But I’ve never fared well with the usual ND girl. They are like Princess Vespa to my Dark Helmet. And by this point in life, most of them are in relationships or married. Doubtful, but may be worth a shot. The alternative may be the USC girl, but that may require me to go to a bar that has more USC people, and that would be too painful unless Mark Sanchez is on the take.
8. Go to 4Play Gentleman’s Club Saturday Night - I don’t think it would be a good idea for me to try to pick up a stripper without seeing the whole episode of VH1’s The Pick-Up Artist. And I don’t think it would be wise for me to bring a stripper to this function (see reasons under “Prostitute” above). But it wouldn’t hurt to try. Especially after a weekend of being rejected by random girls who were wondering what was wrong with me after I asked them out to a formal party when I haven’t been able to correctly pronounce their name the entire day/night. If nothing else, the professional ladies of the night might be able to offer some advice, provided I pay for the VIP dance.
9. The Ex of a few months - Bad idea. I know there are no bad ideas in brainstorming, but. . .bad idea.
10. The Roommate - I already played this hand at the show’s premiere party (held at the same club Jack Bauer got busted at for his DUI). Bringing him again probably would be fine, but for a formal event like this (so soon after the premiere no less) I feel like I should go in a different direction. It would help divert suspicion that we’re roommates in the West Hollywood sense. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
11. Another friend (guy or girl) - A really safe way to play it and also a cool thing to share with a different friend. Would have to choose among friends, which is always weird. And if it’s a girl, there’s always that weird “Are they dating?” vibe. And if it’s a guy, there’s always that weird “Are they dating?” vibe “He did bring his roommate to the last event.” I’m really insecure.
12. Mom - Otherwise known as The Vinnie Chase Solution. This would be the perfect solution except for the fact that my mother a) lives in Chicago and b) is not the kind of person who easily jumps on a plane. And unlike Vinnie Chase, I don’t have the resources to get Turtle, E, and Drama on a private jet and help fly her out to Cali.
13. Go by myself - Since I will be going to a work function, it’s not completely out of the question, right? I should have a decent amount of people to talk to. Further, it could be fun to come up with excuses as to why I didn’t bring anyone (missed flight, got stood up at the last minute, kidnapping, etc.). But the advantage of having someone there is pretty huge. Being there alone means I have to leech on to other people’s conversations the whole time, which can get pretty annoying for the other parties. Plus, I’m still relatively new and I don’t have any true BFFs at work.
14. Skip the event - I can always come up with a good excuse as to why I couldn’t go. I was sick, something came up, I got shot in Compton, etc. The list is endless and, frankly, my absence gets forgotten a lot more easily than, say, bringing a blow-up doll. But that’s the coward’s way out, isn’t it? Did Thomas Edison invent the DVD player by being a pussy and skipping cocktail parties simply because he couldn’t find the right “plus one?” I didn’t think so.
So those are my options. Feel free to weigh in. And if there are other options I have not considered (cloning, animals, etc.) please feel free to add those options as well.
Laughed my ass of upon seeing this on Sunday. Neil Patrick Harris was not at all subtle while checking out Hayden Panatierhot18yearoldchick’s rack while presenting an Emmy. This either proves that even gay men appreciate a nice set of ta-tas, or that Doogie just thought that that dress went very well with those shoes…
Thank You, FOX, for not censoring this moment during the west coast feed with that weird high angle shot like you did with the “fucking,” “holy shit,” and “goddamn” moments.
So I’m sitting at my desk, enjoying a delicious York peppermint patty, reading up on current events, when I come across this piece of news - Ryan Seacrest to host Emmy Awards.
What? Look, I have nothing against Ryan Seacrest. I’m sure he’s a decent guy. But the host of the Emmy’s should be an entertainer, right? How does he entertain? He’s not funny. He doesn’t sing or dance. Granted, he looks tan and reads a teleprompter with ease (more than I can say for On The Lot host Adrianna Costa). But still. . .
Which leads me to the ultimate question: Has Ryan Seacrest finally jumped the shark? Every time I think he’s jumped the shark, it seems like he keeps booking increasingly successful and increasingly more ridiculous gigs. (Note: For those of you unfamiliar with the term, “jumping the shark” originated from Happy Days when Fonzie literally jumped over a shark in water skis. It refers to the point in time where a show, a person, or anything for that matter, peaks and never can quite return to its original form. There’s a great web site (www.jumptheshark.com) that both shows all the categories of jumping the shark and also shows when each TV show jumped the shark. Really entertaining.)
Consider the following Seacrest timeline:
1995 - Seacrest becomes the afternoon drive host at Star 98.7 in Los Angeles. Adult Contemporary. You know, the station that white people listen too. Let’s hear some Hootie and the Blowfish! He was popular, got good ratings, and stayed at this station in this time slot until January of 2004. He also starts hosting something called “Gladiators 2000” an American Gladiators for kids. He’s 21. In the next few years, he hosts some other silly unsuccessful shows, but the radio gig is his main thing.
2000 - Seacrest’s first taste of network television is hosting “NBC Saturday Night Movie” I remember being hungover and exhausted after a day of tailgating and watching ND football my Senior year, turning on the television which has stopped recording the ND on NBC game and seeing this tool talking about the movie and asking viewers to call in with their favorite character or line. It was like how TNT and USA have butchered watching movies with Dinner and a Movie or DVD on TV, except worse because it was just this tool out there asking what my favorite Sylvester Stallone movie was. Then I would go out to a house party and be surrounded by tools. I’d get so pissed off I’d start fights with them. I miss college.
2002 - Seacrest starts hosting Idol with some clown named Dunkleman. Here’s where he starts to get big. Seacrest clearly is more popular than Dunkleman, confirmed the following year when Seacrest hosts solo and then hosts American Juniors. It also helps that “metrosexuality” starts to peak and Seacrest becomes the poster boy. From here on out, we can start the discussion of when he jumps the shark.
January/February 2004 - Three major events take place almost simultaneously. Seacrest gets his own TV show, On Air With Ryan Seacrest 1/12/04. Not surprising. They give TV shows to almost anyone who is recognizable. I just saw that Steve, the security guy from Jerry Springer is getting his own syndicated show. Makes sense as a tie-in to what he does on the radio and also a way to tie-in his American Idol success by getting first dibs on the eliminated contestants.
2nd event is Seacrest replaces Casey Kasem as host of American Top 40. Casey Kasem was on his last legs and this also seems like an inevitable move, but still one that raises a few more eyebrows. American Top 40 is a prestigious national radio show and Seacrest is starting to get luckier by the day that these projects keep falling in the lap of a guy without much of a sense of humor or discernible talent besides being tan. (By the way, if you haven’t heard Casey Kasem’s blowup, treat yourself by clicking on a link to an MP3 on this web site, the producers let the tape roll and caught one of the best tirades ever.)
The 3rd event (while wikipedia lists it as February I kinda remember this happening at the same time as the TV show launch) Seacrest switches from 98.7, the station that gave him his big break, to KIIS FM (102.7 in Los Angeles, but syndicated throughout the country) replacing legendary DJ Rick Dees. This seemed like the ultimate jumping the shark moment. First off, Seacrest sells his soul by turning his back on the place that gave him his break and also his co-host of a number of years, Lisa Fox. 98.7 was so stunned that they got a co-host for Fox that sounded almost exactly like Seacrest, to the point that I thought they cloned him. He also goes to the #1 sell-out station, KIIS. And then to top it off, he replaces Rick Dees, the posterboy for jumping the shark, from Disco Duck to The Rick Dees Show. It became a parallel universe where corny prankster Dees was trumped by his ‘04 equivalent, not as funny but considerably more accessible to what the kids want. That Rick Dees held on as long as he did catering to the preteen audience when he was growing more ancient is a testament to his staying power. I never really listened to Dees because I never was up early enough to follow him, but I happened to be listening on his last show after dropping The Diesel off at the airport. It was crazy. People called in crying. You couldn’t believe he was fired, this institution. But here was Seacrest, jumping the ultimate jumper of the shark.
September 2004 - On Air With Ryan Seacrest is cancelled. It seems like Seacrest’s status as having jumped the shark is confirmed. After coining the increasingly ridiculous send-off “Seacrest out,” he gave a humorists a fitting punchline after the show’s demise. After all the special privileges and competitive advantages afforded him, Seacrest still couldn’t get ratings. But. . .
American Idol is still going strong, so inexplicably. . .
April 2005 - Seacrest gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Huh? He’s on the same street as Sean Connery, Tom Cruise, and Pee Wee Herman. He gets the radio symbol, but we basically got the middle finger. Fate has said, “Yeah this guy is famous, whether you like it or not. So stick it up your ass.” Turns out you can pay for the privilege of being immortalized with a star, so it’s only partially an honor. Have enough money and you too can be recognized.
August 2005 - Announced that Seacrest becomes executive producer and co-host of Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years Eve. First Casem, then Dees, and now Clark. Seacrest starts replacing giants one by one. But now it’s the world-beloved Dick Clark on arguably the most iconic American event of the year. Outside of the Super Bowl and maybe the Oscars, is there a televised event that has as much significance as Dick Clark on New Years Eve? Whether it gets ratings or not, everyone recognizes it. It’s what you watch if you’re not going out on New Years Eve and even if you are out at a bar or a house party there’s a good chance it’s on as everyone watches the ball drop in Times Square. Seacrest’s ascension seems to be unthwarted. Maybe he didn’t jump the shark. He’s officially enjoying the career path we all thought Carson Daly would have.
December 2005 - Clark is ill and Seacrest hosts New Years Eve solo. The deal with the devil is firmly in place as the ageless Clark cannot overcome the force that is Seacrest and finally starts to show his age. Can it get bigger for Seacrest? No, right? He’s Skeletor in the Masters of the Universe movie after the key is returned and his suit turns to gold. He’s impossible to stop. You would think this is his peak.
January 2006 - Seacrest gets a 3 yr deal to host E! News. Almost immediately after supplanting Clark, Seacrest gets another job. Fronting the hard-hitting news team at E! News, giving us the latest on Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Heidi from the Hills. It’s a logical move, but also one that really highlights his rise to power. Sadly, many people care more about their celebutantes than they do the war in Iraq or socioeconomic ills. So he is delivering the news that today’s youth care about, the Walter Kronkite for the iPod generation. He also has so many jobs he reminds me of the Jamaican family on In Living Color (we work 25 hours a day, mon!)
June 2007 - Seacrest makes cameo in Knocked Up. And it’s a hilarious cameo at that with a great Jessica Simpson joke on top of a self-referential joke. I have to confess that this guy kinda won me over with this. Is this his peak? Parody, as Mel Brooks demonstrated in Blazing Saddles among other films, signals the end of a genre’s true significance, and by doing a self-parody maybe he has foretold his demise. Doubt it. He’s really good at this, and probably bought himself some a few more ticks of the clock on his 15 minutes. But then you hear. . .
August 2007 - Seacrest will host the 2007 Emmy Awards. OK, this is getting ridiculous. This has to be the jumping the shark moment. The Emmys host has to be funny and entertaining, even moreso because there are so many awards and it’s the same winners every year, and he’s neither. It can be nothing but an abject failure, right? And this will surely be the end of King Seacrest, right?
That’s what I’ve thought in the past and he proves me wrong time and time again.
Just kidding, folks… This show most definitely went out with a whimper. At least Spielberg took time out from shooting Indy 4 to show up. Sorta. But we’ll get to that later…
Sorry, but I just had to post one more time about this show that nobody watched. It mercifully ended last night with my two friends, Adam and Sam (whom I mentioned in an earlier post), coming in 3rd and 4th place, respectively. Bummer they didn’t win (Tommy Boy and I did our part burning up the phones and interweb with votes), but it probably shouldn’t matter too much. I haven’t spoken to either of them yet, but I’d assume that some doors will have been opened just by being on the show and doing so well.
Yes, the show was an epic failure, at least ratings-wise. Okay, it was pretty much a creative failure as well, but it seems like that can at least be partially attributed to the ratings. Fox saw that it had a dog on its hands early on and went all Mike Vick on it (too soon?), obviously trimming expenses as much as possible. This was pretty obvious when they not only magically reduced the number of contestants from 24 to 18 (sans on-air explanation), but then also aired the contestants’ submission films, which the filmmakers had paid for themselves. Then, upon getting to the final 3 filmmakers, they don’t give them money to make a final film! (Mad props (do the kids still say that?) to Adam for subtly pointing that out multiple times during part 1 of the finale). They simply padded the last two episodes with filler and films that had already been shown. It was pretty ridiculous.
It’s really a shame, because I know for a fact that two of contestants (Sam and Adam, obviously) are very talented and have put a crazy amount of time and effort into filmmaking. I can only assume the rest of the contestants are similarly committed, but none of them were given the opportunity to truly showcase what they can do. The show needed to give them more than 2 minutes (especially when you get to the top 10) and to pair them up with real writers. Maybe give every director the same script to shoot. Then “America” would have much better criterion upon which to judge who can truly direct the “best.”
It’s possible that all of these things were supposed to come to pass on the show, but we’ll never know. Fox and the producers were far too ambitious in the beginning, expecting an American Idol-sized audience and starting right up with one of their patented filler audition shows. It didn’t work and it alienated the audience right from the start. They were seemingly forced to make changes on the fly and the show ultimately became unbearable to watch (except for when the host, Adrianna Costa, wore a low cut dress, which was quite often. Thanks, Adrianna. It was much appreciated).
Despite all this, Spielberg did make an appearance. I was under the assumption that he was in Hawaii shooting the new Indiana Jones movie, but I guess it’s possible that he flew all the way back just for the finale… (I said it’s possible, okay? Stop laughing). Ol’ Stevie did not actually come to the studio for the show, but instead, the winner was immediately ushered from the studio in a limousine to the gates of Dreamworks to meet him. So here’s my question: When was this part actually shot? The finale was supposedly “live.” However, Will was supposed to get to from the studio to Dreamworks in the span of a single commercial break, which, as anyone who has ever driven ANYWHERE in Los Angeles knows, is utterly impossible. Not to mention the fact that the limo ride and meeting was edited like crazy. So my question is, when did they actually shoot the Spielberg meeting? Did they shoot it the night before with all 3 final contestants? I guess I’ll find out the next time I talk to Adam or Sam…
And that meeting between Spielberg and Will Bigham, the winner? Awkward doesn’t really describe it. Let’s just hope Will wasn’t welcomed to Dreamworks with a nice severance package and a note to clean out his desk.
Well, I’ve already wasted too much time writing about a show I would have stopped watching months ago had I not had friends on it.
I’m out (like a minority contestant on On the Lot)…
Write to you tomorrow!
