I hate being a Cleveland sports fan. The city’s sports panorama is not cursed with anything other than bad management; so lets not even go there, ok? The main obstacle that the average Cleveland sports fan must hurdle is the repetitive roller coaster of emotion that our teams force us to ride.
I have examples.
The Browns have, by and large, been vomit inducing since their return from the NFL’s abyss in 1999. It started by drafting a system quarterback (Tim Couch. And by the way, he’s pretty much become the NFL’s poster boy for “Don’t draft a system quarterback! Yes, we’re talking about you Colt Brennan and Graham Harrell!” It’s a long poster, what do you want?) and pretty much every facet of the team has followed suit. That is to say, the past 10 years have been a bust. However, it is not enough to simply toil in Detroit Lion-ville each year. The Browns, out of nowhere, will put together a push to break the playoffs or a ten win season. Moderate enough success that the fans will begin to get extremely excited and develop something that is desperately needed on the gray banks of the Erie, something called hope. So what happens? We follow up our playoff “run” with back to back double digit loss seasons, and we one-up (actually “two-up”) our ten win season (in which we lost a game to a bottom-feeder team, thanks to a piss poor game for the ages by quarterback Derek Anderson, that kept us out of the playoffs, but I digress) by losing twelve and firing yet another management regime. Eliminate the two winning seasons and save the fans of Cleveland the stomach punch that is getting your hopes up and then repeatedly dragged through the mud. I’m unsure why we continue to be duped into a false sense of, “Maybe,” but we is what we is, and probably always will be.
Which leads me a few blocks from the Lake.
For the sake of brevity, which is fitting for the Indians in 2009 as their season is pretty much already over, I’ll just mention a few examples here. Terrible for decades, the Indians make a mid to late 90’s push to become a good baseball team, coming close enough to a World Series Ring that fans can actually taste it, and winning a few Division Titles in the meanwhile. Then the walls come tumbling and we’re bad for about 6 years. Like, REALLY bad. But in 2007 we broke through and got to the ALCS, one game from the World Series, only to blow a huge series lead and now, a year and a half later, we’ve literally hit the bottom; the worst record in the league.
This is the point. It is not that the city is cursed, just that our teams seem to rally only so often. Its like when you’re running for the first time in a while. You break out for the first mile and feel great, then something happens physiologically and your body hates you for what seems like an eternity, then finally something clicks and wonderful adrenaline flows, just enough to make a push and finish up. Then when you get to wherever you were going, you crash and can’t move for 2 seasons.
And so the Cavs find themselves heavily favored and down 3 games to 1 to the Orlando Magic, who’ve suddenly channeled the great Lakers teams of the 80’s. Many think if the Cavs fail to succeed in some historic comeback, it’ll be the beginning of the end for losing Lebron. I don’t necessarily think that’s true, but at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if he told Danny Ferry to work an extension for him this summer, then on the day he was supposed to sign, decided, “Nah I think I’ll weigh my options.” Get our hopes up, lift our spirits, then break them in upwards of 100 million pieces. We are all witnesses.
What a sordid love affair we have. Cleveland sports are a cheating girlfriend that we just can’t seem to get over. “Baby, I’ll never do it again, I swear! I was wrong!” Enough time passes with things on the up and up that we decide to drop our fists, let our guard down and SMACK! One more shot to the face. Or the stomach. Or the groin.
Come on Cavs, don’t punch us in the groin. If you’re going to lose the series, do it with dignity, in Orlando. Because I know what’s going to happen. We’re going to rally to win Game 5 at home and steal Game 6 on the road. We’re going to build a nice lead in the first half of Game 7 and, much like Games 1 and 2, we’re going to let it slip through our fingers in the end and allow Rashard Lewis a fadeaway three at the final horn for a chance at the win and the finals and those Lakers.
- You cheating whore! We are through!
“But Baby, this was the last time, I swear! Please believe me!”
- No. I’m leaving. And I won’t be back.
Wait! HE MISSED! I can’t believe he missed!! Cavs to the finals!!!
Just kidding. Got your hopes up a little though, didn’t it?
If nothing else, lets be clear on this one point: I don’t smoke. While we’re at it, let me jump on a soapbox and say this: You shouldn’t smoke either. I like the view from up here so I’ll say a few more things.
* Is there any bigger irony than a firefighter going on a smoke break?
* If coffee stunts your growth, shouldn’t Ritalin make you taller?
* After a hard day, two Parrot Bay Coolers just won’t cut it.
* Lebron has officially surpassed Kobe as the best player on the planet.
* As far as deep fried things go, you could do worse than General Tso’s Chicken.
Has anyone else noticed that Heath Ledger’s performance in Dark Knight is being way over blown because of his prescription drug mishap? Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy, thought he was great in 10 Things I Hate About You and I think he was nothing short of outstanding in the new (and quite literally) “Dark” film. I still just think he’s closer to some MTV Movie Popcorn for Best Villain than to a posthumous Oscar. It’s really hard to beat Jack at what he does, and Heath did just that, but lets be realistic.
While we’re being realistic, the Trail Blazers invited Luke Jackson into their training camp. That trail flamed out when he hung up his Green and Gold Oregon sneakers. Cavs beat writer Bob Finnan (who The Diesel, Tommy Boy and I may or may not have seen in Vegas at the Summer League and, in related news, is a lying bastard) still thinks he can play despite having been in and out of the league at best for two seasons. To paraphrase Finnan, “If he can get healthy and a long enough look, he’ll be a solid contributer to an NBA Franchise.” Please Bob, he’s no Jason Kapono.
I could not get through my day without morning coffee, but I’ve come to realize that Folgers has long since NOT been the “best part of waking up.” CVS in Northern Ohio is selling two week supplies of the stuff for $2.99! Don’t get me wrong, I’m drinking it, but I’d rather dip into the Peet’s, Starbuck’s or Dunkin.
Last but not least, today is the day that my longtime one and only pet will be put to sleep. She’s been great and I wanted to mention her because it has definitely been a rough decision and is going to be even worse when we go to the Vet later. We’ll miss you, Phoebe.
So this year’s edition of Rock of Love, Rock of Love 2 with Brett Michaels, ended on Sunday with Ambre taking the crown as Brett’s “rock of love.” Amidst a sea of skanks, media-whores, and women of ill repute, Ambre displayed class, poise, and the perfect dose of sexiness to woo the lead singer of Poison. Her performance was undeniably a thing of beauty. One may even call it Jordanesque. In fact, Ambre’s rise to “rock of love” status has a distinct correlation to the career of Michael Jordan. As Michael Jordan established himself as the most prolific basketball player of his generation, Ambre established herself as the greatest female suitor in the Rock of Love house.
Episode 1: When the women whore themselves out to Brett on their first day seeing him, Ambre stays back and chooses to stay above the fray. She almost gets cut from the show, but, stunningly, Jackye quits on her own and Ambre is given another chance.
Connection to MJ: Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, thus establishing his legend of overcoming an early obstacle
Episode 2: Ambre takes advantage of her second chance by being amongst the top three in the Peep Show, where the contestants had to demonstrate a talent for Brett. Ambre’s talent was “giving presents” so she wrapped herself up in a bow and unwrapped herself for Brett. This showed Brett that she was interested in him, that she was sexy, and that she was creative.
Connection to MJ: Jordan truly burst onto the scene early on when he hit the game winning shot in the NCAA Championship game as a Freshman against Georgetown. While Jordan was surrounded by stars much more highly touted than he (as was Ambre), Jordan established himself as a clutch performer.
Episode 3: Ambre fights hard but ultimately loses in the Roller Derby where they have to protect baby Brett. She stays above the fray when other girls try to interrupt Kristy Joe’s solo date
Connection to MJ: Probably the hardest direct correlation of the lot, but let’s compare this to Jordan falling to third in the 1984 NBA Draft. He wasn’t bitter or frustrated, but it put a chip on MJ’s shoulder so he could go out and prove he was the best.
Episode 4: Ambre continues to shine as her team wins the “motorcycle repair” challenge and Ambre gets to do a 50s style photo shoot. Ambre’s classic and classy beauty is perfect for the shoot. But the other bitches on her team, like Megan, contnue to rag and hate on her.
Connection to MJ: Jordan’s rookie year was nothing less of sensational. Jordan’s athleticism and ability to score coupled with a photo on the cover of Sports Illustrated with the title “A Star is Born” turns Jordan into the next superstar. He gets selected to the All-Star game but bitches on his team, like Isaiah Thomas, hate on him and try to freeze him out.
Episode 5: In the second annual Mud Bowl, Ambre clearly leads her team in an unlikely and epic athletic performance. Ambre squares off against Daisy (it really was between these two the whole time, wasn’t it?) with mud and blood flying. She gets injured but battles through. The game goes into overtime, but in the end Ambre loses.
Connection to MJ: Coming off an injury-plagued season, Jordan faces off against Larry Bird and the Boston Celtics in the Boston Garden for a memorable playoff game. Jordan puts in a record 63 points in an epic athletic performance. The game goes into overtime, but in the end Jordan loses.
Episode 6: After battling through her injuries, Ambre shines in the cowgirl competition, riding against a professional rider in Katherine, and her team wins. Jessica gets the MVP and the solo date. On the group date, while Ambre talks and connects with Brett emotionally, Kristy Joe steals the spotlight by making out hard with Brett in the “dinner in the dark.” But Ambre was winning Brett over as the most complete player in the game.
Connection to MJ: Jordan comes back the following season from his injury and puts up the most prolific numbers of his career, 37.1 ppg, over 200 steals and 100 blocks (first time in NBA history, 86% from the line and 48% from the field, but Magic Johnson won the MVP and the NBA title. Others would win titles and MVPs, but Jordan established himself as the most complete player in the game.
Episode 7: Ambre partners with Kristy Joe for a performance for war veterans. They lose, but Ambre comes through with one of her most clutch performances in the series. When Brett asks everyone at dinner which girls are there for the wrong reasons, all the girls hesitate to rock the boat with honesty, except for Ambre who takes a big shot at Kristy Joe. Ambre’s honesty was exactly what Brett wanted and she got the first VIP pass. She had frontrunner status from then on.
Connection to MJ: MJ took his own shot – known to the basketball world and especially to Cleveland fans as “The Shot”, hitting a straight-on jumper over Craig Ehlo at the buzzer of Game 5 in a first round series, propelling the Bulls to the next round of the playoffs. That game-winner established Jordan as the top clutch shooter in basketball and the most feared player with the ball in his hands.
Episode 8: In an episode where the girls have to make a music video, Ambre steps up and directs, and considering her limited resources did a very good job. Megan derisively says, “What does she think she is, Martin Scorsese?” but Ambre’s effort compared to the orgy masturbation video turned in by Daisy’s crew wins her a solo date with Brett where they connect on a spiritual level. Ambre is distancing herself from the competition, a passing of the torch of sorts from former frontrunner Daisy.
Connection to MJ: Jordan wins his first championship, adding leadership to his immense talents and pushing the Bulls past pre-AIDS Magic Johnson and the LA Lakers for the title. It was a passing of the torch from Magic to Michael, and MJ would never look back.
Episode 9: Ex-boyfriends infilrate the house and Ambre is expecting her ex-fiancee to dish dirt on her. To Ambre’s surprise, her best friend has come instead. While Brett gets dirt from ex-boyfriends, Ambre gets nothing but praise from her friend. In the same episode, a bombshell is dropped that Daisy still lives with her ex in a one-bedroom apartment. This will ultimately crush any chance Daisy has of winning Brett’s trust.
Connection to MJ: This is like when Jordan hit six three pointers in the first half of a Finals game in 1992, with 3 pointers not really the most noted part of his game, and threw his arms up to the announcers on the sideline. He didn’t know he had it in him and it seemed like Jordan was leading a charmed life. And Magic’s AIDS equals Daisy’s ex situation. She could never recover.
Episode 10: The girls go to Vegas and Ambre seemingly fades away, letting Daisy’s ex-relationship and Jessica’s drunkenness take the spotlight. Being out of the spotlight only seems to highlight her sanity and makes her stronger as a counterpoint to the other girls.
Connection to MJ: Jordan went away to play baseball. His absence from the game only seemed to highlight his importance to the game. Also, Michael Jordan did a little movie called “Space Jam” where he shined against several cartoonish characters in a ridiculous contest. That’s quite a parallel, isn’t it? (By the way, the Space Jam lineup of the greatest players in the game: Muggsy Bogues, Larry Johnson, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, and Shawn Bradley? First of all, the best players in the game? Really? And who’s the shooting guard? Grand-ma-ma? A quick team with good guard play destroys them. I could never take this film seriously.)
Episode 11: Ambre faces her toughest obstacle. Ambre’s dad reveals to Brett that she is 37. Problem is, she told Brett she was 32. Honesty, or lack thereof, thwarted girls’ chances in the past. But what does Ambre do? She tells Brett she loves him. She rises above. And then in the elimination, she lets Daisy take the hero role in outing Destiney’s lack of love for Brett.
Connection to MJ: Jordan overcomes the flu in game 5 of the 1997 Finals in one of the greatest single performances in NBA history, rising above adversity to will his team to victory. And then in the decisive game 6, Jordan passed up the game-winning shot to Steve Kerr.
Episode 12: In a head-to-head duel with Daisy, Ambre is called out as not being sexy. Ambre responds by delivering the death blow. She seduces Brett, gives him an erotic massage, declares at dinner that she wasn’t wearing underwear, and then shows the goods Basic Instinct style. What does Daisy do under pressure? She vomits on a boat. Not only is Ambre saner, she becomes sexier and willing to deliver under pressure. It was the performance that truly sealed Ambre’s legacy.
Connection to MJ: In a crucial back and forth deciding Game 6 of the 1998 Finals, Michael Jordan takes over the end of the game, which many suspect may be his last, stealing the ball and putting on an offensive exhibition in the last minute, culminating with a game-winning shot over Bryon Russell. It was the shot that could forever define his legacy.
Now it wasn’t truly the end of Michael Jordan’s career and the tour won’t end for Ambre either. Jordan sputtered as an owner and had a comeback in a Wizards jersey that many of us would like to forget. All I’m saying is, it might be really creepy if Ambre breaks up with Brett, later goes on to own a less successful band like, say, Winger, and then in a desperate attempt to revitalize the band starts dating Kip Winger. That amount of parallel would be frightening.
Dr. Phil has been criticized for his involvement in trying to help Britney Spears. Maybe Dr. Phil is an opportunist or maybe he truly cares, but the better question is “Would he help?” Would he be a good doctor for Ms. Spears to visit? So I’ve decided to compile a list of noted doctors. We’ll take a look at how they would treat Britney Spears and whether they would be a Good Doctor or a Bad Doctor.
Dr. Drew Pinsky Treatment: Bring her into Celebrity Rehab where she can detox and discuss her problems with the guy from Taxi and a couple porn stars. Analysis: The self-described addictionologist can help wean Britney off her drink of choice – Red Bull, Vodka, and Cherry NyQuil – and get her the medical attention she needs. But more importantly, she can take a look at the has-beens in front of her and improve her self-esteem by repeating to herself, “It’s Britney, bitch.” Would this make her more likely to believe she doesn’t really have a problem comparatively? Maybe. But Dr. Drew can show Britney barely living examples of where she could be if she doesn’t get her life in order. And his experience on Loveline can help her get out of the unhealthy relationship with Adnan Ghalib. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Doc Brown Treatment: Transport Britney back to the start of her career so she can live her life differently. Analysis: Doc Brown would sit Britney down in the Delorean and take her back to the late 90s, during “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” when she was still a virgin (insert winking emoticon) She would realize that she should keep better company, live a better lifestyle, realize she can do better than JT (that may be a stretch), and determine that her talents lie solely in her delicious late 90s ass. When she realizes people will get sick of her vocals and her crazy partying, she can channel her career into more acting roles, fitness videos, and any other thing she can more accurately copy from Madonna’s body of work. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. Laura Treatment: Blame all Britney’s troubles on her kiss with Madonna and attempt to cure Britney of her homosexuality Analysis: Dr. Laura’s diagnosis would not help because making Britney more heterosexual would make her more likely to pop out additional babies, and that’s only going to augment her problems because she has trouble taking care of the kids she already has. And two women kissing doesn’t necessarily make them homosexual, it makes them awesome. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Dre Treatment: Try to revitalize Britney’s music career by laying down sick beats. Analysis: Now here’s a solution! What better way to revitalize a music career than collaborating with one of the greatest producers in Hip Hop history. Also, it’s a way to get at ex-lover JT by working with Timbaland’s predecessor as the preeminent music producer. Successful music can ultimately improve Britney’s self-esteem to the point where she becomes a contributing member of society. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. 90210 Treatment: Improve Britney’s self-image through plastic surgery. Analysis: Sadly, Britney would not benefit from Dr. 90210’s popular procedures. Breast augmentation is unnecessary since babies and ho-hos have already started that process. And any tummy tucks or lyposuction would be undone anytime the Cheesy Gordita Crunch is available at Taco Bell. Self image is always unstable when you consume the alcohol and drugs that she reportedly ingests. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. J Treatment: Embarrass Britney into a more healthy lifestyle by posterizing her with thunderous yet graceful dunks Analysis: The man who turned dunking into an art form when he transitioned from the ABA to the NBA would probably talk trash as he’s raining down slams and jams right in the Notorious B.S.’s face. While the rim-rocking display would be entertaining, it would more than likely not cure Britney of what ails her. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Giggles Treatment: Torture Britney through unlicensed and often ironic use of medical equipment. Analysis: There comes a time when drastic measures are necessary. And maybe a maniacal doctor taking revenge on the town that stoned his father to death is just the answer. Giggles’ witty pun-laden quips would get the message through Britney’s skull, most likely when he is jamming a sharp instrument through her skull. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR Dr. Pepper Treatment: Provide cola refreshment with the extra kick provided by its 23 flavors. Analysis: While surely refreshing and more accredited than competitor Mr. Pibb, Dr. Pepper would only remind Britney how much she likes her sugar-filled drinks to be complemented with Everclear or other alcoholic additives. She doesn’t need that. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Seuss Treatment: Provide life lessons in simple colorful rhyme schemes Analysis: Assuming Britney knows how to read, reading this children’s literature would be helpful in telling Britney how to behave like a good person instead of a skeezle, beezle, or bum. And as a bonus, if she reads these books with her children, she could look like a good mother even when she may not be one. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Juris Doctor Treatment: Instill Britney with knowledge about laws so she becomes better at not breaking them. Analysis: The more Britney learns about the law, the more she’s apt to actually break the law. For example, if she knew there was a law against public urination we would have seen her urinate in public already. She relishes the role of bad girl. It’s not her ignorance of the law that seems to be the problem, it’s her disdain for law.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Doc Martens Treatment: Give Britney a swift kick in the ass. Analysis: Simple. Straightforward. Effective. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. Atkins Treatment: Improve Britney’s physical condition by prescribing a low-carb lifestyle.
Analysis: Reducing carbs will only remove the non-alcoholic portion of Britney’s mixed drink, which will most likely make her more drunk and thus more of a problem. Also, Britney does not seem like she would stick to the regimen because of a lack of discipline and a lack of understanding of what carbohydrates are (Wait, if it’s Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, does that, like, burn the carbohydrates off, y’all?) For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Scholl’s Treatment: Give Britney’s feet a rest through shoe inserts that will have her “gellin’ like Magellan” Analysis: After years of being on the road and shooting highly choreographed music videos, maybe more comfortable shoes would help Britney relax into a more comfortable lifestyle. She could regain the precise and mildly pornographic dance moves that catapulted her to super-stardom instead of the lazy, immobile moves she displayed at last year’s VMAs. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
The Spin Doctors Treatment: Serenade her with such 90s alt-rock hits as “Two Princes” and “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” Analysis: While this jam band breaks out all the hits from their multi-platinum album Pocket Full of Kryptonite, Britney might realize that her music and subsequently her life, isn’t all that bad. I mean, they had their one album and faded into oblivion, while Britney keeps churning out hits even when she’s mentally unstable. To be honest, this is probably worse for The Spin Doctors. The fact that they would reunite and the best gig they can get is at Promises trying to convince Britney not to kill herself. It’s sad. For Britney, GOOD DOCTORS
And finally. . . Dr. Phil Treatment: State the obvious to Britney in a slow Southern drawl so she can understand that what she’s doing is often stupid Analysis: While Dr. Phil speaks the same language as Britney, his recommendations will probably fall on deaf ears because Britney knows mishandling her kids and abusing substances are bad for her. She just likes doing them. Some quack repeating it slowly in simple language isn’t a deterrent. It’s annoying. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
