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07.16.07
Posted in Saved by the Bell, Life, Television, JD at 3:20 pm by jd
The following question has occupied my mind for no less than the last four minutes: Has this blog become a glorified diary for my eyes and words only? (”And now my empty chorus falls on empty ears…”)
My cat is old. I am almost 26 years old and this cat has been around for the vast majority of my formative years, it’s seen me in single digits. She even has an old person name, Phoebe (no, not after the famous Phoebe you’re thinking of). Most people would agree when I say that the cat’s eating habits over the years have been more Ralphie May than my bulimic ex-girlfriend Ralphng Mae; however, all’s changed with old age.
Phoebe’s become increasingly finicky when it comes to her food. Perhaps it’s because we spoiled her with favorites such as Little Debbie Donut Sticks, blueberry muffins and her favorite, cold cut turkey. Perhaps it’s because she saw her reflection in the mirror and decided it was time for a change. Perhaps she didn’t feel attractive enough when my sister brought her younger cats (Daven and Sofie) to live at the house for a while (she wanted to be the Demi Moore to Daven’s Ashton Kutcher). Most probably, she’s just getting old and doesn’t feel like eating anymore. Mind you, this is the cat who employs the dip-your-paw-into-the-water then lick-your-paw rather than the more conventional face-in-bowl, tongue-in-water technique for drinking.
We’ve tried everything lately to get the cat eating again. “Everything” in this case includes switching food brands, switching from dry to wet food, mixing dry and wet, covering the food (dry and wet) with turkey gravy from Thanksgiving Dinner, we even tried setting a place for the cat at the table (ok, no we didn’t). All of our efforts have gone for naught; they’ve been roughly as effective as Britney Spears’ parenting techniques.
So we’ve hit a rough patch. Whiskas was whisked away. Friskies lost their frisk. 9 lives? Not anymore, Phoebe shot them down. Now we’re down to our last ditch effort. It’s once again time to place a call to the bullpen and all we have sitting out there is Jose Mesa. Now I’ll throw this out there, I hate Jose Mesa for a plethora of reasons, and the figurative version is no exception. I’ll try to be brief, and in doing so, I must return to Saved by the Bell (note to Webmaster: can you make SBTB a category for me already?). [EDITOR’S NOTE: Done.] Each morning when I watch the show, I get numerous commercials that irritate me based on either content, lack of focus on target demographic or some combination thereof. Examples of this are 1-800-PET-MEDS, Gold Bond Medicated Pads and one of the worst, J.G. Wentworth. I swear if I have to hear one more time about cash for my structured settlement, I’ll go Ron Artest on the guy. That said, the worst commercial of all is for Fancy Feast Cat Food. Come on now. This is your target market? The majority viewership for these re-runs HAS TO BE mid 20’s and younger kids before school or work starts, what kind of advertising is this?!?! Shouldn’t Toucan Sam, Count Chocula and the EGGO guy be plastered on the screen? If I saw that in the morning, I’d immediately run out for some cereal. But back to the Fancy Feast, the Jose Mesa of cat food. This commercial instructs owners to “delight her with salmon florentine,” a “restaurant style” piece of grilled salmon that it is “simmered in a fragrant reduction” with greens; a dish that is apparently so tantalizing that humans find themselves pawing at their cat for a taste, a cruel and unusual reversal of fortune.
What does this all mean? Naturally, upon meandering past the cat’s bowl when leaving for work this morning, what do I notice? Fancy Feast, salmon florentine. The verdict is still out on whether the cat will enjoy it or not, but rest assured, if this persuades her to eat, I will not only be disappointed, but also on the verge of insanity. Remember when Brian (Fred Savage) realized his little brother Eric (played by real life little sib Ben) had been kidnapped by Boy in Little Monsters? I’ll be like that, feeling helpless and angry, but if she eats, I guess there’s a moral victory somewhere.
I love my cat and will be devastated when something happens to her, lets hope the Fancy Feast keeps her around for a while. Oh, and if you want to see the most hilarious website in the history of civilization, follow this cat around for a while. I promise you will not be disappointed.
And in all seriousness, Bulimia and other eating disorders are a devastating problem in this world today, and not just among felines. Go here to make a donation to the National Eating Disorders Association.
Be well.
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06.27.07
Posted in Saved by the Bell, Life, Celebrities, Television, Tommy Boy at 12:36 am by tommyboy
Today’s post is actually a repost from something I put on Loosely Based Sports in October when news of Dustin Diamond’s sex tape first hit the E! News crawl. I find this repost both relevant, considering Dustin Diamond’s awesomely bad performance on VH1’s “Celebrity Fit Club: Men vs. Women,” and useful, considering I started a new job this week.
But before that, I made two omissions to “Balls, Nuts and Testicles: A Guide to Proper Usage” The first is STONES i.e. “He’s going to jump that waterfall with his tricycle. That takes stones.” Stones should used when someone does a feat or performs an act that is both (a) in such a profound manner that people should erect a statue, possibly from stone, and (b) non-sexual in nature. Extraordinary heroism, courage, or guts deserves the use of stones. You don’t impregnate someone with stones, but you create legend, and that’s pretty damn admirable.
The second omission is COJONES (pronounced kuh-HO-naiz) i.e. He’s got some cojones, walking through burning hot coals like that. Cojones has almost identical usage traits as Huevos except (a) you should not modify cojones with an adjective like gigante and (b) it can be used in a sexual manner if you have a natural Latin accent. For example, if you are Enrique Iglesias, first off, congratulations, you got a good thing going and thanks for reading the blog. If you are Enrique, you can sweet talk a woman and slip in cojones without losing a beat. “I have enjoyed this date very much. The enchiladas were delicious. Now, I long to kiss you like you’ve never been kissed before and nuzzle your breasts. With my cojones.” Especially effective if it’s the only Spanish word in the sentence and delivered in a whisper. With the natural Latin accent, you can get away with using cojones and still come off as charming. Try reading that with a New York or South Side Chicago accent. It doesn’t work as well.
Thanks, readers, for those suggestions. And now here are my thoughts on Screech:
I just read a story that Dustin Diamond aka Screech has just released a sex tape featuring him and two women. Which got me thinking. Out of all the Saved By the Bell cast members, where does Screech rank in terms sex-tape watchability? Here is my order starting with the character whose sex tape I would most like to see:
1. Kelly Kapowski - the hottest chick on the show, very dirty, also very ambitious. I would think she would take charge in the bedroom. Maybe do a cheer. I could see her playing up to the camera as well because of her outgoing personality
2. Lisa Turtle - underrated hotness, except in Screech’s eyes. Great fashion sense, will probably have on really hot lingerie. The sweetest of the girls, almost like the girl-next-door, which is always a winner in amateur porn.
3. Zack Morris - the girl he’d be doing would be pretty hot, but the key highlight is Zack’s ability to freeze time. Mid-pump, he can give us a run-down on who this girl is and why she’s a one-night stand. Maybe fix himself a sandwich
4. Violet - you know Violet’s a freak. Behind the glasses and the pigtails, that girl is nasty! Shit will get broken. You will see positions you’ve never seen before (shocker, Cleveland Steamer, Hot Carl, etc.) Definitely under the radar, but there’s no way it can disappoint
5. Stacey Corosi - Take charge tough girl will be animal in bed. Plus, you’re at the beachhouse so the view might be nice. My only concern is will she do all the nasty stuff or does she think she’s better than that. With the right director, I think she would do it.
6. Slater - Good moves learned from wrestling team / ballet practice. Major concern is him trying to find a mirror so he can look at himself. Takes time away from the coitus. Will probably score a hot chick because of his status on the athletic fields (always big in high school)
7. Tori - Kind of like Stacey Corosi, but without the beachhouse. Somewhat dull, but definitely hot. Wrong side of the tracks girl might put in a little extra effort to get some attention.
8. Jesse Spano - I saw it already. It’s called Showgirls. It’s not very good. Too much of a headcase. Might start popping speed during the middle of the tape. Still very hot and better than any of the people left on the list.
9. Max - Mainly for the magic. I could see him taking the condom in his hand and turning it into a dove. Or he’s eating her out and he pulls a rabbit out of her pussy.
10. Any of the nerds (sans Screech) - based off the Revenge of the Nerds Theory, the nerds are probably great in bed and attract hot girls. I don’t know if that movie was a true document, but it’s worth a shot to find out.
11. Belding - Not a lot of promise here, but he should make a few good puns. I’m not excited to see him or Mrs. Belding naked. Maybe “putting her in detention” will be interesting, but mainly just wishful thinking on my part.
12. Miss Bliss - attractive in her old age, but will be pretty boring in bed. I’m assuming just missionary. A little too proper. It’s like watching Lady Chatterly’s Lover on Showtime when you’re really in the mood for Insatiable Desires
13. Mr. Corosi - awful, just awful. The folds of fat make this tape a ghastly sight. The only bright spot might be his weight and propensity to be out of breath might lead to the woman riding him, maybe even in a reverse cowgirl - always good for camera purposes. Though the woman Mr. Corosi gets is probably fat too so it could be worse. I’m getting nautious just thinking about it. But Mr. Corosi is still more watchable than. . .
14. Screech - Zoinks! Not only is Screech a huge dork and probably a terrible lover, he would probably have to pull the worst girls. Dirty, ugly girls who would be willing to have sex with Screech. And videotape it. These girls have to be the lowest of the low. There are hookers in Chernobyl that probably would turn Screech down. There is no way this tape can be appealing. They may create a standards of decency board for internet pornography with the sole purpose of stopping this video. I feel very strongly about this. Yet, I would still watch it.
My apologies to those loyal readers of both Loosely Based Sports and Ironic T-Shirt - all ten of you - for the redundancy.
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06.04.07
Posted in Life, Saved by the Bell, Television, Sports, News, JD at 2:39 pm by jd
A little bit of this, a little bit of that…
So the Cavs are in the Eastern Conference Finals, the Indians are in first place in the AL central and the Browns are optimistic about a successful season for the first time in years, even if it’s because we have yet to lose a game with our new roster. Successful teams right now in Cleveland? Umm, what? This is something that no one in Cleveland, no matter how young or old, is used to. People are talking about the Cavs dominating the Eastern Conference for the next 10 years. Several experts have picked the Indians to win the AL pennant. And just from a personal standpoint, don’t the Browns have an extremely intriguing offense? (Jamal Lewis is trim and healthy, we have a franchise quarterback to push our “veteran” to play better, they are protected by a 100% improved offensive line and this all leads to the skill players that we drafted 3 and 4 years ago being able to show their stuff. Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow might actually get the ball!) Our sports teams are locked down for the short term and the long term, at least so it seems. It is a darn good day to be a Cleveland sports fan. Now bring back the Force!
I have never had chills like I did after we whooped the cry babies from up north on Saturday night. What an achievement! This is something no Cavalier team had ever done, history was made throughout the series. It was pointed out to me, though, that it’s very bittersweet to achieve this without the likes of Price, Daugherty, Hot Rod Williams, Larry Nance and Craig Ehlo. They were there in spirit; maybe even more than spirit when you look at it. Daniel Gibson showed the fearlessness and shooting ability of Mark Price, Z showed the lay up skills and ability to be an inside presence when it was needed that were Daugherty’s trademarks (before heading to be a NASCAR analyst), Drew Gooden played the power forward position and scored with a shot reminiscent of Larry Nance’s throw back over the head “gun slinging” style. Our post players off the bench showed the inside toughness of the Hot Rod (Varejao even wears a funky high teens number like Hot Rod did). And Sasha Pavlovic, wearing his predecessor’s number 3, locked down Rip Hamilton for the brunt of the series and hit shots when they were needed. So maybe our studs were there after all, in spirit and the bodies of our current players. Great job, fellas, now go get the Spurs!
Two more Saved By the Bell notes:
A: Couldn’t they have sucked it up and gotten licensing from artists to use real music on the show? They did this twice and they are two of the most memorable episodes of the series (the songs were “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?” and of course “I’m So Excited”). Instead they used poor man’s late 80’s house music based around a saxophone for every school dance function and every scene segue. Tell me you wouldn’t love to wake up to SBTB one morning and see the kids all gettin’ down at a dance and screaming the words to “Livin’ On a Prayer.” You can’t tell me you wouldn’t die to see that.
B: When Good Morning Miss Bliss became SBTB and the shows went into syndication, they introduced a segment where Zack started off each episode with an intro as to what will be forthcoming. I wish they’d do this for all the episodes now. Get Mark Paul back into the swing of things, maybe throw Mario Lopez in the mix too, since they are the only two who are still relevant from the show (and MPG is barely hanging on).
A client of mine lost her brother in Iraq in 2005. She recently had a $50,000 memorial constructed for him and all the other Ohioans lost in the war and she called to insure it, basically because she’s worried that people against the war will vandalize it. What a sick reality. People, whether you are for or against this war is your prerogative, but supporting your troops is not. The vast majority of these troops enlisted to protect your judgmental ass in any capacity possible. They didn’t choose to go to Iraq, they go where they’re told. So for you to say you are not going to support our troops is like Stewie Griffin punching Lois in the face the first time she fed him because he’s lactose intolerant and she couldn’t have known. She was trying to help him by feeding, didn’t know it was detrimental to offer her chest, and was chastised for the mistake. Yeah, it’s a completely unrelated example from a fictional cartoon television show, but when you berate people who sign up to watch your back, you deserve to see how ridiculous you are. You’re no better than an English accented cartoon baby who’s plotting to kill his mother because her caring for him interferes to much with his personal life. Shut up and say thank you. You don’t have to support the war, but when someone puts their ass on the line for you, the least you can do is say thanks. Those of you that do so, pat yourselves on the back.
I hate long blog posts. Sorry. Copy, paste and take it to the bathroom with you.
I was recently in Myrtle Beach for a week. The first full day I was there, Sunday, was the end of “Black Biker Week” which comes the week immediately after “Biker Week.” Equality is alive and well in the south.
Myrtle Beach was sunny Sunday through Friday while I was there. When I left Ohio on Saturday, it was raining. When I got home the next Saturday, it was raining. It’s rained everyday since I’ve been home. O-H!!!
One final note, please don’t replace Bob Barker. Please just develop a new game show directed toward old folks homes where the only excitement is a xylophone sounding bell and someone jumping up and down. This is really the only way. Replacing Roddy was tough, replacing Bob will be impossible. Please, please, please just cancel the Price is Right. It’s the only way to do the show justice.
Go Cavs! Beat the Spurs!
Be well.
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05.24.07
Posted in Saved by the Bell, Life, Television, Sports, JD at 4:19 pm by jd
A little bit of this, a little bit of that…
Saved By the Bell update – How do you know you’re getting old? When you start way overanalyzing Saved by the Bell to the point where it makes you take a week away from the show; not that I know from experience (dude). Today, the Super Station showed the episode where one of Bayside’s most favorite, revered alumni passes away, he was the guy who created the elastic strip on underwear. This man left Bayside a stack of high society (that’s 10 g’s for those of you not “in the know”) and Mr. Belding has decided he’ll let the student body vote on how the money should be used.
TIMEOUT.
This would never happen. No principal would allow the students to decide where a donation could best be spent when it comes to his school. That’s issue number 1 of an undetermined amount of issues. Number 2 is that when everyone speaks to promote their idea to the school as to how the money should be spent, Zack and Slater offer the following idea. Let me just remind you that this is 10,000 dollars. Their idea is to put Astroturf on the football field AND build a dome over the baseball field. These are the same people who supposedly can look at a car and estimate the amount it would take to fix it’s damage.
TIMEOUT.
They are not that stupid. We couldn’t think of a better segue to the plot than Slater and Zack making this comment? Couldn’t this have been Ox and his cronies? Or would that have made too much sense? Ox is the moron jock of the show, the writers should have let him do his job. Furthermore, after Mr. Belding points out the absurdity of the dome and turf idea, Zack says, “Ok, Ray Bans for all the outfielders!” and everyone cheers. In the Early 90’s, this comment clearly should have been “Oakleys” and not Ray Bans. They were much cooler and still up and coming amongst the teen demographic. Skip forward and this whole scenario leads to Tori of all people (God I hate Tori) suggesting that the money be used on girls sports. What?!?!
TIMEOUT.
That’s even more ludicrous than building a Minor League worthy stadium for such a meager donation. Slater correctly points out that girls sports count, “just not as much.” And you know what? He’s right! He accurately sums up why guys sports get so much more press and money than girls do, they bring in the revenue. Finally something intelligent is spoken! However, the girls take issue with this truth and so Belding decides to have a “boys vs. girls” competition for the money. Zack thinks of a scam, it gets uncovered when Screech opens his mouth (go figure) and it blows up in their face. The girls win the money, give some to the mini golf team and everyone’s happy.
Plus Ginger (Veronica Vaughan of Billy Madison fame) is in this episode, you have to love that. So I had 3 issues with the episode, not counting the obvious fact that it was a Tori episode and should therefore be banned from television faster than the Michael Jackson Concert Special for Rainbow Babies and Children’s Hospital titled, “Live at Neverland Ranch: And no, Johnny Depp won’t be there, no adults are allowed!”
Onto more pressing and important matters…
In the vein of Jayson Stark’s new book about overrated and underrated baseball players at each position, I’d like to list some overrated and corresponding underrated things.
Medical Show:
Overrated (OR) – Grey’s Anatomy (Duh) Under (UR) – House Correctly (CR) - ER
Note: We all know my Grey’s feelings, everyone that has seen House more than once loves it, but not many people watch it still. That’ll change. Don’t “kill off” Omar Epps. ER’s been banging it out forever. Not as much bang anymore, still worth watching for the long time hangers on.
Breakfast Food:
OR – Eggs of any kind UR – Yogurt Parfait w/ Fruit CR – Cereal
Eggs and heart attack are synonymous. Cereal is a great fall back, but yogurt with some Granola and fruit fills you up and is healthy. Plus you’ll be regular all day. Can you ask for more?
Body Washing Technique
OR – The Vegan Self Cleansing Method UR – The Brush CR – Bar Soap
You’re not an oven, my vegan friend. Please go take a shower and this time bring some artificial suds. Use a brush and some body wash for full effect. It’s like having someone scratch your back and getting a sponge bath all at the same time, and you don’t have to sit in your own filth like you would with an actual bath. Use the brush in the shower! And bar soap is like cereal and ER, it’s old reliable. Use this hunk of fat when you feel like being frugal. It’ll get you clean and sometimes smells nice.
Game Time Beverage
OR – Beer UR – Mixed Drinks CR – Soda Pop
Yes, beer is overrated while watching a game, especially when outside like at a baseball game. People at baseball games usually drink about 3 beers if they are drinking for a reason other than “I like the taste of beer.” So if you’re drinking to get a buzz before driving home, why not have 2 mixed drinks which will give you roughly the same alcohol content if you get them at the right place (and don’t order something weaker than Elizabeth Berkeley’s acting), won’t dehydrate you as much and will have a much higher novelty factor? You can drink beer whenever, go for the hard stuff and save the beer for the college kids. Soda pop is great for the designated driver (and, “Duff wholeheartedly supports the Designated Driver program. Now who is ready to party!).
One more beef before I go. There are two types of people in Ohio who buy cars made by Ford. The people who bleed red, white and blue and only buy domestic then make everyone feel bad about their choice of car if it’s not Ford or GM; and the people who buy them because they are affordable (read: cheap), most of whom work for Ford and feel they have no other choice.
The latter are the people who put the “I work for Ford, I drive a Ford” license plate holder on their Escape to make us feel like they’re loyal. Well I had a client come in the other day to insure his brand new Ford Focus. Yes, he works for Ford. His words to me, VERBATIM, were the following: “Jay, I can’t wait until I retire so that I can be a Honda or Toyota. Just something that’s reliable that I know I’ll be able to drive for 5-10 years without a problem.” What a sparkling endorsement from the guy building Ford E Series vans. Is it a wonder that I want nothing to do with that dirty four letter F word?
This isn’t the worst. The worst is the first group of consumers. You know them, trust me. They are the “holier than thou,” judgmental, snooty, look-all-the-way-down-their-nose-into-the-pig-pen-where-everyone-else-is-doomed a-holes that make this country what it is and shouldn’t be; arrogant. Yes, I drive a Honda. Yes, my car was manufactured in Ohio. Several Ford vehicles are manufactured in Mexico with European parts. Chrysler is backed by a German company. Yet, my car, which was made right here in the United States, in the state in which I reside, is the problem.
“Well the profits go back to Japan” you say. True, but I don’t think the Ohioan that snapped my bumpers on is giving anything back to the company that isn’t laced with saline and running on a second hand (sweat and time). Furthermore, my car’s company didn’t outsource all of its engineering to another company and still has manufacturing factories for all its car models in its own country. So in reality, my car’s company is domestically friendly as well as friendly in foreign affairs.
So go ahead Ford and GM owners, keep saying that your car that came from a German guy’s idea and was put together by a Mexican makes you a better American while you just voted down a tax levy that would’ve given more tax money to the crippled school districts because you saw a commercial on your Mitsubishi big screen that reminded you that you’re F-650 needs gas and you can’t afford another tax expense.
After all, the Persian rugs come in any day.
Just leave me alone when I pull into your driveway, unassumingly, in my “foreign” car. Everyone’s entitled to their own patriotism.
Oh and by the way, our country wouldn’t be half of what it is now, not even a fraction, in fact, without trade, imports and exports. So kiss my red, white and blue behind.
Be well.
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03.15.07
Posted in Saved by the Bell, Music, Television, JD at 12:30 pm by jd
I actually was up in time to catch parts of all 4 Saved By the Bell episodes today. Now let’s see if I can remember what they all were. The one I saw the most of was the one where Slater has the gang baby-sit is pet Chameleon for the weekend and he ends up dying. Best part? Where Slater dresses up like Artie in Zack’s dream sequence and keeps repeatedly sticking his tongue as if to imitate the chameleon way. That acting is a delight!
The 8:30 episode was the one where Zack is Kelly’s date for her birthday party Saturday but then he gets blackmailed by Belding into taking out his niece Penny Belding on Friday night thanks to his 10th detention (ordinarily a week’s suspension). Then our hero finds out the party for Kelly was switched to Friday also (the Max was overbooked on Saturday). As memory serves, Penny is hot and Screech takes her out, dressed as Zack, then they get caught at the party and everyone figures out what is going on. Kelly gets mad when she hears Penny talking about how great Zack is, neither knowing that this Zack is, in fact, Screech. When Kelly finds out the truth, she is flattered by Zack’s efforts to make her happy on her birthday. Everybody lives happily ever after and I think Screech may have even gotten lucky with the Principal’s niece that night! Why didn’t he parade around and throw that in everyone’s face?!?!? What a conquest! This episode contained the great joke by Mr. Hudson (the overweight Science teacher): “There are 2 types of genes, dominant genes and recessive genes. Which are not to be confused with <pause for dramatic effect> blue jeans.” It’s great stuff.
What were the other 2 episodes? Oh, one was where the gang forgets about Screech’s birthday until Kevin (Screech’s Robot) reminds Zack. Screech is mad and looking for revenge and to compound the problem Mr. Dewey makes him hall monitor and he puts everyone in detention when they’re trying to throw a surprise party for him in Belding’s office to make up for forgetting his birthday. Eventually they all get to Belding’s office and have a party for him in 30 seconds. Lisa gives him “a compass, for when I tell you to get lost.”
Oh and I just remembered the first episode. It was the Bayside-Valley Prank War. I missed most of it, but the scenes between the two school principals are classic SBTB. “We’re the Bayside Tigers and we’re on the prowl…” Also the Stan and Dan Kleig episode. “Whoa, you guys stole Valley t-shirts!” “No, we stole Bayside Jackets!” There’s the whole “Interesting, Stan” “Very, Dan” exchange between the two. It’s good stuff. Of course Bayside wins the coveted golden megaphone at the cheerleading competition and everybody’s happy. One final thought about Saved by the Bell. Remember how we talked about how the pop culture references were great because they kind of transcended the years (in my first SBTB post, I believe)? Well think of this exchange between Lisa and Jessie from this morning’s episode (the Kelly’s party, Zack and Mr. Belding’s niece one):Lisa: Jessie, I have the perfect guy for you to take to Kelly’s party! He’s my next door neighbor!
Jessie: Oh my gosh, you live next door to Kevin Costner!?!?!?! Hmm, swing and a miss there if you ask me. He did have Robin Hood around that same time, but for the most part they missed his big career moments of Dances with Wolves and Field of Dreams. Even Bull Durham. They must have seen big things for him before his career pulled a Christian Slater and gleamed the cube. So I guess all their pop references aren’t great (they also referred to Alan Thicke in a later episode when Screech and Lisa were at a “Zombie Love Story” movie). Talk about growing pains. So there is a nice long SBTB update for you.
It was gorgeous here Tuesday. Wednesday it rained and then in the evening we had a massive thunderstorm complete with tornado, but it was still warm. Today I wake up to snow covering the ground and 20 degree weather. Plus I heard there was an earthquake in Twinsburg this week. So in four days we’ve had an earthquake followed by a perfectly clear 70 degree day, followed by a massive thunderstorm and tornado, followed by a snowstorm and in there we had a 50 plus degree temperature change. I’m waiting for the locusts or boils. I hate
Ohio during this time of year.
Hawthorne Heights “Ohio is For Lovers”
“Hey there, I know its hard to feel like I don’t’ care at all where you are and how you feel with these lights off as these wheels keep rolling on and on. Slow things down or speed them up, not enough or way too much, how are you when I’m gone? And I can’t make it on my own. Because my heart is in Ohio. So cut my wrist and black my eyes so I can fall asleep tonight, or die. Because you kill me. You know you do, you kill me well. You like it too and I can tell, you never stop until my final breath is gone. Spare me just three last words, I love you is all she heard. I’ll wait for you, but I can’t wait forever.”
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02.28.07
Posted in Saved by the Bell, Television, JD at 11:19 am by jd
The best moment of my recent life came about 4 weeks ago at 7:15 on a Monday morning. The alarm went off and Sports Center was running NASCAR highlights from over the weekend, so naturally I turned the channel in disgust. Angered by ESPN’s willingness to show NASCAR highlights just 15 minutes into an SC program and still half asleep, I stumbled upon TBS, the Super Station. Never has a moniker been so fitting, for what did I find? That’s right, I found Saved by the Bell. Upon further investigation, I not only found SBTB, I found that it runs in marathon fashion EVERY MORNING from 7:00 to 9:00. Two hours of tasty high school goodness, replete with lame jokes, legions of nerds (not to mention the distinction between geeks and dweebs) and the rare iconic pop culture reference. This is fantastic. My mornings have not been the same since. Fridays are a special treat, when we get our weekly installments of “The College Years.” Seriously, if you’re not watching this, you are missing out on a trans-generational phenomenon.
That being said, I have some comments about certain episodes and recurring themes that rear their head during the run of the series. I’ll be using this space (shooting for twice a week) to post on these themes, general plot and some of the memorable lines from the show. Enjoy!
Today’s episodes were a carryover from yesterday when the 8 and 8:30 episodes were the first half of the movie “Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style.” Even James Lipton agrees that this movie was truly “a delight.” Basically the story goes like this: The gang (and yes, I’ll often refer to them as “the gang” herein) goes on Summer vacation in Hawaii to visit Kelly’s grandpa, the owner of the Hawaiian Hideaway. It should be noted here that the group is between their “Junior” and “Senior” year of high school, though the years were never specifically stated until the graduation episodes and I swear there were like 24 Prom episodes, but anyway… This trip is supposed to be, according to Lipton, “Sans Mr. Belding. But when they get there, who else do they see, but Mr. Belding!” Dustin Diamond responds, “That was the twist!” A quick recap of the rest: Zack instantly falls in love with Andrea (single Mom with 4 year old daughter) and the gang finds out the Hideaway is going bankrupt and will probably have to sell to the Royal Pacific owned by Mr. Worthington. 2 notes, Mr. Belding’s tour group is staying at the RP and Mr. Worthington’s son Derrick is Andrea’s boyfriend. Side plot develops where Screech is the savior of a Pacific Islander tribe called the Pukuku (Poo Koo Koo) and they do a crazy Screech Chant. Since RP is trying to get rid of the Hideaway, the gang comes up with a plan to get Belding to switch his tour group to their hotel and of course, hijinx ensue. Blah blah blah, fast forward, fast forward, Kelly falls for her grandpa’s young handsome attorney Brian who also happens to be RP’s attorney. Hmm.. The gang sabotages the deal, black mails Mr. Worthington into leaving the hideaway alone, Screech gets the tribe jobs working at the Hideaway and everyone is happy. Ok, now lets touch back on two issues. First Zack falls in love with Andrea (who at the end admits she loves him too). We find out her daughter is 4 and that she was in labor during her high school graduation ceremony. Which means she was at least 17. 17 + 4 is 21. Call her 21 to be conservative. Zack says, “I’ll be 18 soon.” Hmm, statutory? But wait, that’s not all. Kelly is younger than Zack. Kelly dates Brian the attorney who has gone through at least 7 years of college, conservatively which makes him 25. BIG TIME statutory. Plus it’s an older guy which tends to make things even worse. Why wasn’t this guy or girl arrested? Because minors dating older people is a running them of the show. Just ask Kelly, who also dated Jeff when he was a 20 year old Sophomore at UCLA and managing the Max, and Kelly was a 16 year old high school Sophomore. Disturbing. Anyway, everything ends up great in SBTB: Hawaiian Style and Zack promises to come back after graduating from College to find Andrea. Kelly breaks it off with Brian when she finds out he’s scum working for the RP.
Ok, take a deep breath.
Ready to move on? Or do you still need more time?
Ok here we go… I was very excited at the 8:00 episode today when I realized it was going to be a “Good Morning, Miss Bliss” episode (now titled also as SBTB). The first episode was the one that Zack likes a girl but gets caught lying to her and she dumps him and goes to Miss Bliss’s house during her date to talk about it. Miss Bliss, great person she is, takes Zack in, talks and gives him Apple Pie! Metaphor? Maybe not, but coincidence? I think so. Especially after her date leaves and the two of them are alone. Older people… There’s that theme again. Not that I’m saying Miss Bliss and Zack had a relationship, all I’m saying is she was fired from Bayside before the kids got to high school. There’s got to be a reason. The second episode was the one where Zack and Screech reach an agreement. Zack gets Screech a date with Lisa and Screech writes a paper for Zack. Nothing works out and Zack gets caught of course. He doesn’t learn his lesson about anything though as he has Screech continually do his work down the road and “fill him in on what to say in the presentation” AND again bribes Lisa to go on a date, this time with Jessie’s step brother from New York, Eric. But that is another story.
Today’s Line of the Day (Sung): “Welcome to the Hawaiian Hideaway. Your cares will slide away, beneath the sunshine in the morning and the moon at night.”
Ok, this got out of hand length wise. More updates tomorrow. Ish.
Feel free to drop your favorite SBTB quote, episode or reaction here!
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