I hate being a Cleveland sports fan. The city’s sports panorama is not cursed with anything other than bad management; so lets not even go there, ok? The main obstacle that the average Cleveland sports fan must hurdle is the repetitive roller coaster of emotion that our teams force us to ride.
I have examples.
The Browns have, by and large, been vomit inducing since their return from the NFL’s abyss in 1999. It started by drafting a system quarterback (Tim Couch. And by the way, he’s pretty much become the NFL’s poster boy for “Don’t draft a system quarterback! Yes, we’re talking about you Colt Brennan and Graham Harrell!” It’s a long poster, what do you want?) and pretty much every facet of the team has followed suit. That is to say, the past 10 years have been a bust. However, it is not enough to simply toil in Detroit Lion-ville each year. The Browns, out of nowhere, will put together a push to break the playoffs or a ten win season. Moderate enough success that the fans will begin to get extremely excited and develop something that is desperately needed on the gray banks of the Erie, something called hope. So what happens? We follow up our playoff “run” with back to back double digit loss seasons, and we one-up (actually “two-up”) our ten win season (in which we lost a game to a bottom-feeder team, thanks to a piss poor game for the ages by quarterback Derek Anderson, that kept us out of the playoffs, but I digress) by losing twelve and firing yet another management regime. Eliminate the two winning seasons and save the fans of Cleveland the stomach punch that is getting your hopes up and then repeatedly dragged through the mud. I’m unsure why we continue to be duped into a false sense of, “Maybe,” but we is what we is, and probably always will be.
Which leads me a few blocks from the Lake.
For the sake of brevity, which is fitting for the Indians in 2009 as their season is pretty much already over, I’ll just mention a few examples here. Terrible for decades, the Indians make a mid to late 90’s push to become a good baseball team, coming close enough to a World Series Ring that fans can actually taste it, and winning a few Division Titles in the meanwhile. Then the walls come tumbling and we’re bad for about 6 years. Like, REALLY bad. But in 2007 we broke through and got to the ALCS, one game from the World Series, only to blow a huge series lead and now, a year and a half later, we’ve literally hit the bottom; the worst record in the league.
This is the point. It is not that the city is cursed, just that our teams seem to rally only so often. Its like when you’re running for the first time in a while. You break out for the first mile and feel great, then something happens physiologically and your body hates you for what seems like an eternity, then finally something clicks and wonderful adrenaline flows, just enough to make a push and finish up. Then when you get to wherever you were going, you crash and can’t move for 2 seasons.
And so the Cavs find themselves heavily favored and down 3 games to 1 to the Orlando Magic, who’ve suddenly channeled the great Lakers teams of the 80’s. Many think if the Cavs fail to succeed in some historic comeback, it’ll be the beginning of the end for losing Lebron. I don’t necessarily think that’s true, but at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if he told Danny Ferry to work an extension for him this summer, then on the day he was supposed to sign, decided, “Nah I think I’ll weigh my options.” Get our hopes up, lift our spirits, then break them in upwards of 100 million pieces. We are all witnesses.
What a sordid love affair we have. Cleveland sports are a cheating girlfriend that we just can’t seem to get over. “Baby, I’ll never do it again, I swear! I was wrong!” Enough time passes with things on the up and up that we decide to drop our fists, let our guard down and SMACK! One more shot to the face. Or the stomach. Or the groin.
Come on Cavs, don’t punch us in the groin. If you’re going to lose the series, do it with dignity, in Orlando. Because I know what’s going to happen. We’re going to rally to win Game 5 at home and steal Game 6 on the road. We’re going to build a nice lead in the first half of Game 7 and, much like Games 1 and 2, we’re going to let it slip through our fingers in the end and allow Rashard Lewis a fadeaway three at the final horn for a chance at the win and the finals and those Lakers.
- You cheating whore! We are through!
“But Baby, this was the last time, I swear! Please believe me!”
- No. I’m leaving. And I won’t be back.
Wait! HE MISSED! I can’t believe he missed!! Cavs to the finals!!!
Just kidding. Got your hopes up a little though, didn’t it?
The woman pushing the arm of her husband down when he tries to raise it for McCain is funny. The people in the room chuckling in the background when the Fox News guy says the vote is split is funnier still.
And I guess since this is kind of a political post, I might as well pass this along.
As I’ve made pretty clear, I’m a huge fan of the first 4 seasons of The West Wing, aka “The Aaron Sorkin Years.” Follow this link to read Sorkin’s take on a meeting between Senator Obama and President Bartlet. Good stuff: Aaron Sorkin Conjures a Meeting of Obama and Bartlet
I wrote a video for Phillip Wilburn, a very good impressionist at Big News who gets a good amount of hits on funnyordie. It’s the first installment of “Straight Talk With John McCain” Check it out
Dr. Phil has been criticized for his involvement in trying to help Britney Spears. Maybe Dr. Phil is an opportunist or maybe he truly cares, but the better question is “Would he help?” Would he be a good doctor for Ms. Spears to visit? So I’ve decided to compile a list of noted doctors. We’ll take a look at how they would treat Britney Spears and whether they would be a Good Doctor or a Bad Doctor.
Dr. Drew Pinsky Treatment: Bring her into Celebrity Rehab where she can detox and discuss her problems with the guy from Taxi and a couple porn stars. Analysis: The self-described addictionologist can help wean Britney off her drink of choice – Red Bull, Vodka, and Cherry NyQuil – and get her the medical attention she needs. But more importantly, she can take a look at the has-beens in front of her and improve her self-esteem by repeating to herself, “It’s Britney, bitch.” Would this make her more likely to believe she doesn’t really have a problem comparatively? Maybe. But Dr. Drew can show Britney barely living examples of where she could be if she doesn’t get her life in order. And his experience on Loveline can help her get out of the unhealthy relationship with Adnan Ghalib. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Doc Brown Treatment: Transport Britney back to the start of her career so she can live her life differently. Analysis: Doc Brown would sit Britney down in the Delorean and take her back to the late 90s, during “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” when she was still a virgin (insert winking emoticon) She would realize that she should keep better company, live a better lifestyle, realize she can do better than JT (that may be a stretch), and determine that her talents lie solely in her delicious late 90s ass. When she realizes people will get sick of her vocals and her crazy partying, she can channel her career into more acting roles, fitness videos, and any other thing she can more accurately copy from Madonna’s body of work. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. Laura Treatment: Blame all Britney’s troubles on her kiss with Madonna and attempt to cure Britney of her homosexuality Analysis: Dr. Laura’s diagnosis would not help because making Britney more heterosexual would make her more likely to pop out additional babies, and that’s only going to augment her problems because she has trouble taking care of the kids she already has. And two women kissing doesn’t necessarily make them homosexual, it makes them awesome. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Dre Treatment: Try to revitalize Britney’s music career by laying down sick beats. Analysis: Now here’s a solution! What better way to revitalize a music career than collaborating with one of the greatest producers in Hip Hop history. Also, it’s a way to get at ex-lover JT by working with Timbaland’s predecessor as the preeminent music producer. Successful music can ultimately improve Britney’s self-esteem to the point where she becomes a contributing member of society. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. 90210 Treatment: Improve Britney’s self-image through plastic surgery. Analysis: Sadly, Britney would not benefit from Dr. 90210’s popular procedures. Breast augmentation is unnecessary since babies and ho-hos have already started that process. And any tummy tucks or lyposuction would be undone anytime the Cheesy Gordita Crunch is available at Taco Bell. Self image is always unstable when you consume the alcohol and drugs that she reportedly ingests. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. J Treatment: Embarrass Britney into a more healthy lifestyle by posterizing her with thunderous yet graceful dunks Analysis: The man who turned dunking into an art form when he transitioned from the ABA to the NBA would probably talk trash as he’s raining down slams and jams right in the Notorious B.S.’s face. While the rim-rocking display would be entertaining, it would more than likely not cure Britney of what ails her. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Giggles Treatment: Torture Britney through unlicensed and often ironic use of medical equipment. Analysis: There comes a time when drastic measures are necessary. And maybe a maniacal doctor taking revenge on the town that stoned his father to death is just the answer. Giggles’ witty pun-laden quips would get the message through Britney’s skull, most likely when he is jamming a sharp instrument through her skull. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR Dr. Pepper Treatment: Provide cola refreshment with the extra kick provided by its 23 flavors. Analysis: While surely refreshing and more accredited than competitor Mr. Pibb, Dr. Pepper would only remind Britney how much she likes her sugar-filled drinks to be complemented with Everclear or other alcoholic additives. She doesn’t need that. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Seuss Treatment: Provide life lessons in simple colorful rhyme schemes Analysis: Assuming Britney knows how to read, reading this children’s literature would be helpful in telling Britney how to behave like a good person instead of a skeezle, beezle, or bum. And as a bonus, if she reads these books with her children, she could look like a good mother even when she may not be one. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Juris Doctor Treatment: Instill Britney with knowledge about laws so she becomes better at not breaking them. Analysis: The more Britney learns about the law, the more she’s apt to actually break the law. For example, if she knew there was a law against public urination we would have seen her urinate in public already. She relishes the role of bad girl. It’s not her ignorance of the law that seems to be the problem, it’s her disdain for law.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Doc Martens Treatment: Give Britney a swift kick in the ass. Analysis: Simple. Straightforward. Effective. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. Atkins Treatment: Improve Britney’s physical condition by prescribing a low-carb lifestyle.
Analysis: Reducing carbs will only remove the non-alcoholic portion of Britney’s mixed drink, which will most likely make her more drunk and thus more of a problem. Also, Britney does not seem like she would stick to the regimen because of a lack of discipline and a lack of understanding of what carbohydrates are (Wait, if it’s Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, does that, like, burn the carbohydrates off, y’all?) For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Scholl’s Treatment: Give Britney’s feet a rest through shoe inserts that will have her “gellin’ like Magellan” Analysis: After years of being on the road and shooting highly choreographed music videos, maybe more comfortable shoes would help Britney relax into a more comfortable lifestyle. She could regain the precise and mildly pornographic dance moves that catapulted her to super-stardom instead of the lazy, immobile moves she displayed at last year’s VMAs. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
The Spin Doctors Treatment: Serenade her with such 90s alt-rock hits as “Two Princes” and “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” Analysis: While this jam band breaks out all the hits from their multi-platinum album Pocket Full of Kryptonite, Britney might realize that her music and subsequently her life, isn’t all that bad. I mean, they had their one album and faded into oblivion, while Britney keeps churning out hits even when she’s mentally unstable. To be honest, this is probably worse for The Spin Doctors. The fact that they would reunite and the best gig they can get is at Promises trying to convince Britney not to kill herself. It’s sad. For Britney, GOOD DOCTORS
And finally. . . Dr. Phil Treatment: State the obvious to Britney in a slow Southern drawl so she can understand that what she’s doing is often stupid Analysis: While Dr. Phil speaks the same language as Britney, his recommendations will probably fall on deaf ears because Britney knows mishandling her kids and abusing substances are bad for her. She just likes doing them. Some quack repeating it slowly in simple language isn’t a deterrent. It’s annoying. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Great post today by AJ. Consider it my muse for the following, musings. Too much muse, sorry. Sorry, Rick Reilly, I’m stealing your column idea. Apologies also to Oleander for stealing their line.
We’re here to donate to a cause we believe in, even if it means buying a burrito that has the proceeds donated to the Urban Learning Garden; and even if it DOESN’T mean donating to a Church. Your beliefs are your own, and you are entitled. Just don’t express them around me because I might not agree with you, and if not, you are wrong!
We’re here to bitch at the referees, throw a pillow at the television, call our “favorite” players and coaches the most grotesque names in the book, then ask them for an autograph when we see them at a restaurant. AFTER they finish eating.
We’re here to hate our job, but know that, God willing, it is leading us to something better.
We’re here to be entertained, to think and to be moved to tears. Jimmy V says you should laugh, think and cry everyday, and I think he knew what he was talking about. By the way, we are here to NEVER give up. I will fight, today I win.
We are here to judge you. It’s human nature. Wedge, Brown, Crennel, Vick, Pacman, Donaghy, Stern, Goodell, Selig, Bonds, Lohan, Spears, Hilton we are judging you right now. Get over it. The first thing we do when we talk to someone on the phone, see them in person or otherwise communicate with them is size them up. We just usually don’t publicize our judgment. Well guess what? You put yourself into the public domain, we put our judgment into the public domain. You don’t have to preside over a court to have that right.
We are here to laugh at George Bush when he says, “Too many OB/GYN’s aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country” and then freak out when we realize he doesn’t get what he just said. Oh, and he’s our president.
We are here to play Coed sports, to win a Rec basketball league and feel good about ourselves, to mock people that blatantly ask for it, to agree with Carlos Mencia, to go see a “little kids” movie on opening night and then sneak into something else after for a double feature. We’re here to spoil the people we care about. We’re here to drink enough once that we never want to drink again. We’re here to make a kid feel good about himself, and we’re here to grin uncontrollably when a baby smiles at us.
We’re here to ridicule people who write about babies.
We’re here to associate ourselves with a character from Winnie the Pooh, or a Disney Princess or decide who gets to be Vince amongst our group of friends. We’re here to act like we’re one of the gang when we talk about last week’s episode. We’re here for “Let’s hug it out!” and “What is the deal with lamp shades?” and a Bill Cosby lecture that’s five minutes too long, but absolutely perfect. We’re here to get excited when superduperstars make cameos. “Is that something you might be interested in?”
We’re here to say please and thank you. We’re here to laugh at farts. We’re here to embellish our stories so that no one believes them, but heck, it makes us feel good. We’re here to give a speech that we are completely unprepared for, knock it out of the park and then treat ourselves to a nice lunch after.
We are here to start a slow clap, to give a big pump up speech, to pick up our opponent when we knock them to the ground and to tip our cap when they deserve it. We’re here to fall flat on our face. We’re here to sleep in the bed we’ve made.
We’re here to fall off the horse. We are here to get back on.
We’re here to post endless blogs and not give a damn what anyone else thinks.
The hell with you people, I like sports, we’re going to talk about sports. Because between Chris Benoit allegedly murdering his family, Michael Vick being heavily entrenched in a dogfighting ring and Pacman Jones/Tank Johnson’s inability to stay out of trouble, the sports world is becoming the benchmark for the term ridiculous.
With apologies to Cincinnati Bengals fans, the most absurd story happening in sports this year did not belong to their mindblowing arrest record; (notice Chris Henry’s resemblance to a young Snoop Dogg) no, those kudos go to Coach Tim Floyd at the University of Southern California, a man who just received a verbal commitment from a fantastic young basketball prospect in Illinois. The kid is completely dedicated to the sport, taking time to go on campus visits and workout for coaches instead of hanging out with friends all summer; and in his free time, he somehow picked a high school to attend! That’s right, this kid is just over a month away from being a Freshman… in High School. He won’t drive for another couple of years, but rest assured when he leaves the DMV, there will be a car waiting in his driveway.
Pardon my French, but what the #*^$!!!!
In fact, let me run that last symbol by you one more time $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. Remember in Blue Chips where the Larry Bird like dude said he wanted a gym bag full of money and marked the turning point where Nick Nolte finally decided, the hell with it, I’m going to pull a Barry Bonds and cheat (yes I know we weren’t talking about Bonds cheating back then)? This has to be the real life version of that exact occurrence.
Lebron’s Mom bought him an H2 a couple months before he was drafted, which was understandably possible because any dealer in their right mind was going to give her a loan. Did the following conversation actually happen between a sales rep and a manager?
Rep - Can I approve this loan for Lebron’s Mom?
Man - She has like NO income. Are you sure she’s going to be able to afford
this? Maybe sell her a used Plymouth Voyager instead? We can tint the
windows!
[AWKWARD SILENCE]
Rep - Uhh, yeah. She can afford it.
No, that conversation never took place because everyone knew what was going to happen in that situation. In two months you have a millionaire. But this is not two months, this is a 14 year old KID. One who’s never even played decent high school competition (AAU is the worst form of basketball you’ll ever see, possibly 2nd worst only next to the NBA). One who’s probably not even finished puberty; and who knows what will happen to his body during that process, not to mention over the next 4 years? Is this really something that a college coach is willing to gamble on? Does he feel he needs to recruit these kids so young? Especially when the coach is employed in Southern California?
“Hey 18 year old star basketball player, the most beautiful women in the world want you to come here, what do you say? You like cheerleaders? Ours are great!”
Wouldn’t this be your sales pitch? Wouldn’t this work for 90% of all heterosexual athletes even if other coaches decided to sweet talk them? Couldn’t you get any High School Senior to commit to that? Am I way off base here? This is my point about the Blue Chips money situation. When you recruit a kid that young, what can you say to get him to commit? “I’ll give you your very own set of Yu-Gi-Oh sheets?” No! There has got to be money being thrown around on this 14 year old. And the coach is jeopardizing his career for something that may or may not happen in the future? Is this accurate? Isn’t it true that if this coach gets caught giving money or gifts to any prospect, that it’s a rules violation and will result in the coach being canned faster than the intern in Ohio who lost several hundred thousand social security numbers? I’m so confused by this whole situation and I’m 11 years older than the kid! How does he have a Clue!?!?!
Forget about ramifications for the coach for a second, isn’t the kid basically mortgaging his high school years of friends, parties, football teams and any other extracurricular so that he can say he’ll go to USC down the road? Doesn’t this kind of eliminate the whole “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey” part of life? This kid isn’t going to be able to play other sports because what if he gets hurt? He’s not going to have a real high school experience at all.
This makes me sick. Listen, recruiting in college should be ILLEGAL. The NCAA has such a stick up its rear about so many other issues, and you can’t pay an athlete to play (even though D-1 sports is more of a job than the vast majority could possibly fathom, especially when you juggle whatever courseload you decide to take; i.e. underwater basketweaving), but it’s cool if a coach comes to a Rec League game to tell a 8th grader that he should go to college at his school? This is insane. Let the kid celebrate his good game with a Big Mac Meal or an ice cream cone and get back to coaching your grown men. You’ll be able to recruit him with real measures down the road. If you need help learning how, I hear Gary Barnett is available.
And we wonder what’s wrong with the world or why people outside our country hate us. Give me a break.
This is actually happening across the country. Grown men are getting together to talk about The Transformers. Is this the mid 1980’s? No, this is 2007, but grown men that were reaching their cartoon viewing zenith around that time are fueling the robot-laden fire once more.
At first glance, I felt about all the Transformers Speak the way I feel about anyone who’s hit either their teens or puberty (whichever comes last) still playing Dungeons and Dragons or Magic the Gathering. Admittedly, the Transformers were a few years before my time (the show’s original run was syndicated from 1984-1987 – I was just 5 years old when the first run ended), and most of my older friends barely snuck into their original intended demographic. Also, I confess I’m saying nay about this movie having never seen it, but crediting myself with recently viewing Shrek the Third on opening day. So it’s up to you which situation is worse. I’ll say this, though. You won’t catch me carrying on 20 minute conversations at parties about a jolly green Ogre and his friends from the forest (or swamp).
At any rate, and before you diehards come to dress me up as Megatron and go to work with your wrenches and screwdrivers, I’ll reiterate that “at first glance” phrase. I’ve had a chance to go back and narrow my perspective on this matter and I’m thinking now that maybe these machines are like the fountain of youth for robo-nerds everywhere. If this is the way that Baby Boomers’ Babies can get back in touch with their inner child and escape the horrible headlines that dominate news nowadays, maybe it’s not so bad. I will say this. As my brother and I sat affixed to the preview (yes, before Shrek), I was shamed into looking at him and uttering aloud my self-hate, as I confessed to be somewhat interested in seeing it. I’ll chalk that up to good editing of the teaser.
One other note about the Transformers (which is a solid A- rating on Yahoo by users and a B- by critics). The show, with its lead character being in the person of an 18 wheeler colored up like Old Glory, is every bit as Japanese as it is American, despite its Patriotic color scheme. I just wanted to clarify that. I also wanted to let you all know that Peter Cullen, the voice of Optimus Prime, is Canadian; French Canadian in fact. I’ll leave that on the table for you the chew on.
Some people get back to their youth by eating ice cream, some live vicariously through their children and others watch cartoons. I guess I’m ok with it now. But if I catch any of these guys with some trading cards, there might be a problem. Grow up. Now excuse me, I’m going to play some pool basketball “H-O-R-S-E” in my above ground and follow that up with a Flintstone’s Push Up.
So the Cavs are in the Eastern Conference Finals, the Indians are in first place in the AL central and the Browns are optimistic about a successful season for the first time in years, even if it’s because we have yet to lose a game with our new roster. Successful teams right now in Cleveland? Umm, what? This is something that no one in Cleveland, no matter how young or old, is used to. People are talking about the Cavs dominating the Eastern Conference for the next 10 years. Several experts have picked the Indians to win the AL pennant. And just from a personal standpoint, don’t the Browns have an extremely intriguing offense? (Jamal Lewis is trim and healthy, we have a franchise quarterback to push our “veteran” to play better, they are protected by a 100% improved offensive line and this all leads to the skill players that we drafted 3 and 4 years ago being able to show their stuff. Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow might actually get the ball!) Our sports teams are locked down for the short term and the long term, at least so it seems. It is a darn good day to be a Cleveland sports fan. Now bring back the Force!
I have never had chills like I did after we whooped the cry babies from up north on Saturday night. What an achievement! This is something no Cavalier team had ever done, history was made throughout the series. It was pointed out to me, though, that it’s very bittersweet to achieve this without the likes of Price, Daugherty, Hot Rod Williams, Larry Nance and Craig Ehlo. They were there in spirit; maybe even more than spirit when you look at it. Daniel Gibson showed the fearlessness and shooting ability of Mark Price, Z showed the lay up skills and ability to be an inside presence when it was needed that were Daugherty’s trademarks (before heading to be a NASCAR analyst), Drew Gooden played the power forward position and scored with a shot reminiscent of Larry Nance’s throw back over the head “gun slinging” style. Our post players off the bench showed the inside toughness of the Hot Rod (Varejao even wears a funky high teens number like Hot Rod did). And Sasha Pavlovic, wearing his predecessor’s number 3, locked down Rip Hamilton for the brunt of the series and hit shots when they were needed. So maybe our studs were there after all, in spirit and the bodies of our current players. Great job, fellas, now go get the Spurs!
Two more Saved By the Bell notes:
A: Couldn’t they have sucked it up and gotten licensing from artists to use real music on the show? They did this twice and they are two of the most memorable episodes of the series (the songs were “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?” and of course “I’m So Excited”). Instead they used poor man’s late 80’s house music based around a saxophone for every school dance function and every scene segue. Tell me you wouldn’t love to wake up to SBTB one morning and see the kids all gettin’ down at a dance and screaming the words to “Livin’ On a Prayer.” You can’t tell me you wouldn’t die to see that.
B: When Good Morning Miss Bliss became SBTB and the shows went into syndication, they introduced a segment where Zack started off each episode with an intro as to what will be forthcoming. I wish they’d do this for all the episodes now. Get Mark Paul back into the swing of things, maybe throw Mario Lopez in the mix too, since they are the only two who are still relevant from the show (and MPG is barely hanging on).
A client of mine lost her brother in Iraq in 2005. She recently had a $50,000 memorial constructed for him and all the other Ohioans lost in the war and she called to insure it, basically because she’s worried that people against the war will vandalize it. What a sick reality. People, whether you are for or against this war is your prerogative, but supporting your troops is not. The vast majority of these troops enlisted to protect your judgmental ass in any capacity possible. They didn’t choose to go to Iraq, they go where they’re told. So for you to say you are not going to support our troops is like Stewie Griffin punching Lois in the face the first time she fed him because he’s lactose intolerant and she couldn’t have known. She was trying to help him by feeding, didn’t know it was detrimental to offer her chest, and was chastised for the mistake. Yeah, it’s a completely unrelated example from a fictional cartoon television show, but when you berate people who sign up to watch your back, you deserve to see how ridiculous you are. You’re no better than an English accented cartoon baby who’s plotting to kill his mother because her caring for him interferes to much with his personal life. Shut up and say thank you. You don’t have to support the war, but when someone puts their ass on the line for you, the least you can do is say thanks. Those of you that do so, pat yourselves on the back.
I hate long blog posts. Sorry. Copy, paste and take it to the bathroom with you.
I was recently in Myrtle Beach for a week. The first full day I was there, Sunday, was the end of “Black Biker Week” which comes the week immediately after “Biker Week.” Equality is alive and well in the south.
Myrtle Beach was sunny Sunday through Friday while I was there. When I left Ohio on Saturday, it was raining. When I got home the next Saturday, it was raining. It’s rained everyday since I’ve been home. O-H!!!
One final note, please don’t replace Bob Barker. Please just develop a new game show directed toward old folks homes where the only excitement is a xylophone sounding bell and someone jumping up and down. This is really the only way. Replacing Roddy was tough, replacing Bob will be impossible. Please, please, please just cancel the Price is Right. It’s the only way to do the show justice.
In honor of the great Stephen Colbert, and as I have no original thoughts of my own, it’s time to get judgmental on your ass. This is “Tip of the Cap; Wag of my Finger.”
Tip of the Cap to Braylon Edwards of the Cleveland Browns for recognizing that education is by far the most important part of any society and putting not only his money, but his time and energy to good use. Edwards donated a million dollars to a mentor and scholarship program for the Cleveland Public Schools, one of the many public school systems in this country badly in need of funding. Here is a link to a an espn.com article about it. Most illuminating to me was this paragraph:
One girl told Edwards he couldn’t imagine how much this opportunity meant to her. Another boy echoed a similar sentiment. Finally, a mother approached Edwards and said she hadn’t even thought about college for her son until the boy was chosen for this award. At best, she figured, her son would have to go to a trade school.
That possibility nearly stunned Edwards.
“How do you have a kid in the eighth grade who doesn’t even have the possibility of going to college?” he said. “That’s crazy.”
Wag of the Finger to the Cincinnati Bengals. Yet another Bengals player was arrested on Friday. On the plus side, since Linebacker A.J. Nicholson had already been arrested in the past year, the Bengals’ “Players Arrested” board can stay at number 9. On the down side, their four month streak free of arrests is now over. Sadly, far too many athletes make headlines for these reasons, making what Edwards is doing all the more impressive. Go Browns! EDITOR’S NOTE: Oh, and Bengals receiver Chris Henry, already suspended, has apparently failed a drug test. Whoo Dey? Dey be going to jail.
Tip of the Cap to The Office and NBC. Not only did The Office produce a sensational hour long season finale, but NBC reportedly has ordered 30 episodes for next season, instead of the usual 22. Combine this with the renewal of 30 Rock and all is forgiven for the cancellation of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (Aaron Sorkin, please get another show on the air very soon).
Best quote from The Office finale (as accurately as I can remember it): Dwight (to the camera): Of course, Jack Bauer would be my ideal number two. But he’s unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.
Tip of the Cap to my hometown Cleveland Cavaliers, for getting to the Eastern Conference Finals for the first time since I was in junior high and Mark Price was leading the team.
Wag of the Finger to Cavs Coach Mike Brown for not being able to coach his way out of a paper bag.
Tip of the Cap to season finale week. The 06-07 television season is almost over and I have to say, it’s been a very good one. Two big finales still to come: Lost (I tivo’d it and haven’t had a chance to watch it yet) and House. And, as a relief to most of us, American Idol will now go off the air for 7 months. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. And to those of you that jumped off the Lost bandwagon during the first half of this season, you are missing out on an outstanding run of episodes. I cannot wait to watch the finale. Great stuff.
Wag of my Finger to the Heroes and 24 finales that aired Monday night. I won’t ruin anything for those of you that are going to watch on your tivos later, but I found them underwhelming. Heroes has been solid all season long but they have yet to take it to the next level. I was hoping for a truly bad ass battle at the end and what we got was pretty weak. I guess that’s what you run into when trying to turn a concept that is typically created as an effects heavy mega-budgeted movie and try to do it for 1/150th of the cost (1/150th is my best guess, based on an estimated budget of $1 million per 1 hour episode of Heroes and $300 million per 2 hour superhero movie).
And 24, well, 24 has been off all season and the season finale was no exception. The final scene did crackle with an intensity I haven’t seen on the show in awhile, which is a credit to Keifer Sutherland. Here’s hoping for a return to form for 24 next season.
Tip of the Cap and Wag of the Finger to the whole Floyd Landis/ Greg LeMond doping trial story. Holy crap, this ridiculous! Terrible, yes, hence the wag of the finger, but unbelievably ludicrous, hence the Tip of the Cap. Now I just want it to go away.
Tip of the Cap to the new Travis album, The Boy With No Name. This was the band I always thought was going to hit big in the USA way back in 2001, but it turned out to be Coldplay. What are you gonna do? Still, Travis is a mega-band in Great Britain, but mostly unknown on this side of the pond. Anyway, I dig the new disc. Last night I couldn’t stop listening to “My Eyes.” Check it out if you get the chance.
A shocking Wag of the Finger to Counting Crows for going on a tour that I may not be able to attend. I’ve seen at least one show on every Counting Crows tour since Recovering the Satellites came out, usually two shows. They are an excellent, excellent live band. I even dropped two Ben Franklin’s on prime seats to their show at the Walt Disney Concert Hall with the Los Angeles Symphony Orchestra (no regrets, best show ever). But now that they’re doing a tour of minor league baseball stadiums this summer (kind of a cool idea), they’re keeping mostly to the east and Midwest, without a stop out near me in LA. I guess I just have to fly to Minneapolis to see a good friend of mine and take in the show. Can’t wait for the new album.
Tip of the Cap to my box office predictions. So far so good. Spidey 3 dropped HUGE in its second week. Yes, it still took in $58 million, but that’s an astounding 61% drop from the week before. Then Shrek 3 came out with a massive $121 million opening and Spidey dropped another 50%, down to $29 million. With Pirates out on Thursday night, Spidey is a goner. Shrek and Pirates could take in over $300 million combined over the 4 day weekend, while Spiderman will be lucky to make $15 million. I won’t be shocked if Shrek pulls in another $100 million in its second weekend. Spidey is already at $258 million overall, but at this rate, it’ll be lucky to make my conservative prediction of $315 million before it’s out of theaters.
Tip of the Cap to former President Jimmy Carter. If he or the pundits or whoever want to say that his comments about the Bush Administration being the worst in US history were reckless, fine, but no one can say that he was wrong.
