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05.02.08
Posted in Music, Life, Celebrities, Television, Movies, Tommy Boy at 9:21 pm by tommyboy
Dear Diary,
Oh boy, I did lots today. Today was so super. Here is a list of the top eight things I did today:
1. I saw a trailer for Speed Racer today. It was a really cool trailer. I think I want to make a list of the Top 12 trailers of movies based on old cartoons. This would be different from the list I proposed of the top 12 movies based on old cartoons because it would just be about the trailers
2. I had an awesome breakfast. The top five things in my breakfast today, in no particular order, were scrambled eggs, whole wheat toast, crispy bacon, Valencia orange juice, and strawberry jam. I don’t know if it ranks in my top 15 breakfasts of all time, but it certainly ranks in my top nine homemade breakfasts of all time
3. I got in a heated debate about American Idol today with one of my coworkers. She said that David Archuleta was the greatest Idol contestant whose last name ended in a vowel and I said he wouldn’t even crack the top four, what with Fantasia Barrino, Justin Guarini, Bo Bice, and Kimberly Locke. She said nuh-uh, Locke doesn’t end with a vowel and I said yeah-huh. And she was totally better. Remember that song “8th World Wonder.” That has numbers and words. I like numbers and words. It’s almost like a list but not quite
4. I thought of several lists today. The top three lists I thought of were Top 25 Movies featuring veterinarians, Top 15 actors who appeared in Burger King commercials (Elisabeth Shue, I’m thinking you’re up there!), and Top 50 uses of synthesizers in 80s songs. Those are awesome lists.
5. I got home early so I was able to catch up on the TiVo for my favorite show: E’s “The Daily 10.” That show is so cool. It puts entertainment news in list form, which makes it more important to me. They should really do the news news, like the Darfur stuff, you know, in list form. It would make it so much easier to follow.
6. I did a list with Roman numerals instead of numbers, and that was kind of neat. Numbers are better for lists, but Roman numerals are good for a change of pace or if you meet a Roman and you want to speak his language. Letters are OK too, but you’re going have so many letters in the actual list, you should just use numbers. I think it goes, in order, numbers, Roman numerals, letters, and then wingdings. Wingdings are the worst because they’re weird.
7. Someone posted a comment that it was so much better years ago when Entertainment Weekly put out an important list once or twice a year, but I totally nailed that guy. I gave him 20 reasons why daily lists are better than biannual lists and I ordered them from least awesome to most awesome which is the best way to structure a list. It was definitely in the top 75 responses to a reader complaint about our lists of all time. So eat that, hotpants17!
8. I bought an orangutan.
So that was my day. Out of all the days in the week it was definitely in the top 7 
Write to you tomorrow!
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04.15.08
Posted in Music, Life, Celebrities, Television, Sports, Tommy Boy at 3:29 pm by tommyboy
So this year’s edition of Rock of Love, Rock of Love 2 with Brett Michaels, ended on Sunday with Ambre taking the crown as Brett’s “rock of love.” Amidst a sea of skanks, media-whores, and women of ill repute, Ambre displayed class, poise, and the perfect dose of sexiness to woo the lead singer of Poison. Her performance was undeniably a thing of beauty. One may even call it Jordanesque. In fact, Ambre’s rise to “rock of love” status has a distinct correlation to the career of Michael Jordan. As Michael Jordan established himself as the most prolific basketball player of his generation, Ambre established herself as the greatest female suitor in the Rock of Love house.
Episode 1: When the women whore themselves out to Brett on their first day seeing him, Ambre stays back and chooses to stay above the fray. She almost gets cut from the show, but, stunningly, Jackye quits on her own and Ambre is given another chance.
Connection to MJ: Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, thus establishing his legend of overcoming an early obstacle
Episode 2: Ambre takes advantage of her second chance by being amongst the top three in the Peep Show, where the contestants had to demonstrate a talent for Brett. Ambre’s talent was “giving presents” so she wrapped herself up in a bow and unwrapped herself for Brett. This showed Brett that she was interested in him, that she was sexy, and that she was creative.
Connection to MJ: Jordan truly burst onto the scene early on when he hit the game winning shot in the NCAA Championship game as a Freshman against Georgetown. While Jordan was surrounded by stars much more highly touted than he (as was Ambre), Jordan established himself as a clutch performer.
Episode 3: Ambre fights hard but ultimately loses in the Roller Derby where they have to protect baby Brett. She stays above the fray when other girls try to interrupt Kristy Joe’s solo date
Connection to MJ: Probably the hardest direct correlation of the lot, but let’s compare this to Jordan falling to third in the 1984 NBA Draft. He wasn’t bitter or frustrated, but it put a chip on MJ’s shoulder so he could go out and prove he was the best.
Episode 4: Ambre continues to shine as her team wins the “motorcycle repair” challenge and Ambre gets to do a 50s style photo shoot. Ambre’s classic and classy beauty is perfect for the shoot. But the other bitches on her team, like Megan, contnue to rag and hate on her.
Connection to MJ: Jordan’s rookie year was nothing less of sensational. Jordan’s athleticism and ability to score coupled with a photo on the cover of Sports Illustrated with the title “A Star is Born” turns Jordan into the next superstar. He gets selected to the All-Star game but bitches on his team, like Isaiah Thomas, hate on him and try to freeze him out.
Episode 5: In the second annual Mud Bowl, Ambre clearly leads her team in an unlikely and epic athletic performance. Ambre squares off against Daisy (it really was between these two the whole time, wasn’t it?) with mud and blood flying. She gets injured but battles through. The game goes into overtime, but in the end Ambre loses.
Connection to MJ: Coming off an injury-plagued season, Jordan faces off against Larry Bird and the Boston Celtics in the Boston Garden for a memorable playoff game. Jordan puts in a record 63 points in an epic athletic performance. The game goes into overtime, but in the end Jordan loses.
Episode 6: After battling through her injuries, Ambre shines in the cowgirl competition, riding against a professional rider in Katherine, and her team wins. Jessica gets the MVP and the solo date. On the group date, while Ambre talks and connects with Brett emotionally, Kristy Joe steals the spotlight by making out hard with Brett in the “dinner in the dark.” But Ambre was winning Brett over as the most complete player in the game.
Connection to MJ: Jordan comes back the following season from his injury and puts up the most prolific numbers of his career, 37.1 ppg, over 200 steals and 100 blocks (first time in NBA history, 86% from the line and 48% from the field, but Magic Johnson won the MVP and the NBA title. Others would win titles and MVPs, but Jordan established himself as the most complete player in the game.
Episode 7: Ambre partners with Kristy Joe for a performance for war veterans. They lose, but Ambre comes through with one of her most clutch performances in the series. When Brett asks everyone at dinner which girls are there for the wrong reasons, all the girls hesitate to rock the boat with honesty, except for Ambre who takes a big shot at Kristy Joe. Ambre’s honesty was exactly what Brett wanted and she got the first VIP pass. She had frontrunner status from then on.
Connection to MJ: MJ took his own shot – known to the basketball world and especially to Cleveland fans as “The Shot”, hitting a straight-on jumper over Craig Ehlo at the buzzer of Game 5 in a first round series, propelling the Bulls to the next round of the playoffs. That game-winner established Jordan as the top clutch shooter in basketball and the most feared player with the ball in his hands.
Episode 8: In an episode where the girls have to make a music video, Ambre steps up and directs, and considering her limited resources did a very good job. Megan derisively says, “What does she think she is, Martin Scorsese?” but Ambre’s effort compared to the orgy masturbation video turned in by Daisy’s crew wins her a solo date with Brett where they connect on a spiritual level. Ambre is distancing herself from the competition, a passing of the torch of sorts from former frontrunner Daisy.
Connection to MJ: Jordan wins his first championship, adding leadership to his immense talents and pushing the Bulls past pre-AIDS Magic Johnson and the LA Lakers for the title. It was a passing of the torch from Magic to Michael, and MJ would never look back.
Episode 9: Ex-boyfriends infilrate the house and Ambre is expecting her ex-fiancee to dish dirt on her. To Ambre’s surprise, her best friend has come instead. While Brett gets dirt from ex-boyfriends, Ambre gets nothing but praise from her friend. In the same episode, a bombshell is dropped that Daisy still lives with her ex in a one-bedroom apartment. This will ultimately crush any chance Daisy has of winning Brett’s trust.
Connection to MJ: This is like when Jordan hit six three pointers in the first half of a Finals game in 1992, with 3 pointers not really the most noted part of his game, and threw his arms up to the announcers on the sideline. He didn’t know he had it in him and it seemed like Jordan was leading a charmed life. And Magic’s AIDS equals Daisy’s ex situation. She could never recover.
Episode 10: The girls go to Vegas and Ambre seemingly fades away, letting Daisy’s ex-relationship and Jessica’s drunkenness take the spotlight. Being out of the spotlight only seems to highlight her sanity and makes her stronger as a counterpoint to the other girls.
Connection to MJ: Jordan went away to play baseball. His absence from the game only seemed to highlight his importance to the game. Also, Michael Jordan did a little movie called “Space Jam” where he shined against several cartoonish characters in a ridiculous contest. That’s quite a parallel, isn’t it? (By the way, the Space Jam lineup of the greatest players in the game: Muggsy Bogues, Larry Johnson, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, and Shawn Bradley? First of all, the best players in the game? Really? And who’s the shooting guard? Grand-ma-ma? A quick team with good guard play destroys them. I could never take this film seriously.)
Episode 11: Ambre faces her toughest obstacle. Ambre’s dad reveals to Brett that she is 37. Problem is, she told Brett she was 32. Honesty, or lack thereof, thwarted girls’ chances in the past. But what does Ambre do? She tells Brett she loves him. She rises above. And then in the elimination, she lets Daisy take the hero role in outing Destiney’s lack of love for Brett.
Connection to MJ: Jordan overcomes the flu in game 5 of the 1997 Finals in one of the greatest single performances in NBA history, rising above adversity to will his team to victory. And then in the decisive game 6, Jordan passed up the game-winning shot to Steve Kerr.
Episode 12: In a head-to-head duel with Daisy, Ambre is called out as not being sexy. Ambre responds by delivering the death blow. She seduces Brett, gives him an erotic massage, declares at dinner that she wasn’t wearing underwear, and then shows the goods Basic Instinct style. What does Daisy do under pressure? She vomits on a boat. Not only is Ambre saner, she becomes sexier and willing to deliver under pressure. It was the performance that truly sealed Ambre’s legacy.
Connection to MJ: In a crucial back and forth deciding Game 6 of the 1998 Finals, Michael Jordan takes over the end of the game, which many suspect may be his last, stealing the ball and putting on an offensive exhibition in the last minute, culminating with a game-winning shot over Bryon Russell. It was the shot that could forever define his legacy.
Now it wasn’t truly the end of Michael Jordan’s career and the tour won’t end for Ambre either. Jordan sputtered as an owner and had a comeback in a Wizards jersey that many of us would like to forget. All I’m saying is, it might be really creepy if Ambre breaks up with Brett, later goes on to own a less successful band like, say, Winger, and then in a desperate attempt to revitalize the band starts dating Kip Winger. That amount of parallel would be frightening.
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01.23.08
Posted in Celebrities, Music, Life, Television, Movies, News, Sports, Tommy Boy at 7:25 pm by tommyboy
Dr. Phil has been criticized for his involvement in trying to help Britney Spears. Maybe Dr. Phil is an opportunist or maybe he truly cares, but the better question is “Would he help?” Would he be a good doctor for Ms. Spears to visit? So I’ve decided to compile a list of noted doctors. We’ll take a look at how they would treat Britney Spears and whether they would be a Good Doctor or a Bad Doctor.
Dr. Drew Pinsky
Treatment: Bring her into Celebrity Rehab where she can detox and discuss her problems with the guy from Taxi and a couple porn stars.
Analysis: The self-described addictionologist can help wean Britney off her drink of choice – Red Bull, Vodka, and Cherry NyQuil – and get her the medical attention she needs. But more importantly, she can take a look at the has-beens in front of her and improve her self-esteem by repeating to herself, “It’s Britney, bitch.” Would this make her more likely to believe she doesn’t really have a problem comparatively? Maybe. But Dr. Drew can show Britney barely living examples of where she could be if she doesn’t get her life in order. And his experience on Loveline can help her get out of the unhealthy relationship with Adnan Ghalib.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Doc Brown
Treatment: Transport Britney back to the start of her career so she can live her life differently.
Analysis: Doc Brown would sit Britney down in the Delorean and take her back to the late 90s, during “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” when she was still a virgin (insert winking emoticon) She would realize that she should keep better company, live a better lifestyle, realize she can do better than JT (that may be a stretch), and determine that her talents lie solely in her delicious late 90s ass. When she realizes people will get sick of her vocals and her crazy partying, she can channel her career into more acting roles, fitness videos, and any other thing she can more accurately copy from Madonna’s body of work.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. Laura
Treatment: Blame all Britney’s troubles on her kiss with Madonna and attempt to cure Britney of her homosexuality
Analysis: Dr. Laura’s diagnosis would not help because making Britney more heterosexual would make her more likely to pop out additional babies, and that’s only going to augment her problems because she has trouble taking care of the kids she already has. And two women kissing doesn’t necessarily make them homosexual, it makes them awesome.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Dre
Treatment: Try to revitalize Britney’s music career by laying down sick beats.
Analysis: Now here’s a solution! What better way to revitalize a music career than collaborating with one of the greatest producers in Hip Hop history. Also, it’s a way to get at ex-lover JT by working with Timbaland’s predecessor as the preeminent music producer. Successful music can ultimately improve Britney’s self-esteem to the point where she becomes a contributing member of society.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. 90210
Treatment: Improve Britney’s self-image through plastic surgery.
Analysis: Sadly, Britney would not benefit from Dr. 90210’s popular procedures. Breast augmentation is unnecessary since babies and ho-hos have already started that process. And any tummy tucks or lyposuction would be undone anytime the Cheesy Gordita Crunch is available at Taco Bell. Self image is always unstable when you consume the alcohol and drugs that she reportedly ingests.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. J
Treatment: Embarrass Britney into a more healthy lifestyle by posterizing her with thunderous yet graceful dunks
Analysis: The man who turned dunking into an art form when he transitioned from the ABA to the NBA would probably talk trash as he’s raining down slams and jams right in the Notorious B.S.’s face. While the rim-rocking display would be entertaining, it would more than likely not cure Britney of what ails her.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Giggles
Treatment: Torture Britney through unlicensed and often ironic use of medical equipment.
Analysis: There comes a time when drastic measures are necessary. And maybe a maniacal doctor taking revenge on the town that stoned his father to death is just the answer. Giggles’ witty pun-laden quips would get the message through Britney’s skull, most likely when he is jamming a sharp instrument through her skull.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. Pepper
Treatment: Provide cola refreshment with the extra kick provided by its 23 flavors.
Analysis: While surely refreshing and more accredited than competitor Mr. Pibb, Dr. Pepper would only remind Britney how much she likes her sugar-filled drinks to be complemented with Everclear or other alcoholic additives. She doesn’t need that.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Seuss
Treatment: Provide life lessons in simple colorful rhyme schemes
Analysis: Assuming Britney knows how to read, reading this children’s literature would be helpful in telling Britney how to behave like a good person instead of a skeezle, beezle, or bum. And as a bonus, if she reads these books with her children, she could look like a good mother even when she may not be one.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Juris Doctor
Treatment: Instill Britney with knowledge about laws so she becomes better at not breaking them.
Analysis: The more Britney learns about the law, the more she’s apt to actually break the law. For example, if she knew there was a law against public urination we would have seen her urinate in public already. She relishes the role of bad girl. It’s not her ignorance of the law that seems to be the problem, it’s her disdain for law.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Doc Martens
Treatment: Give Britney a swift kick in the ass.
Analysis: Simple. Straightforward. Effective.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. Atkins
Treatment: Improve Britney’s physical condition by prescribing a low-carb lifestyle.
Analysis: Reducing carbs will only remove the non-alcoholic portion of Britney’s mixed drink, which will most likely make her more drunk and thus more of a problem. Also, Britney does not seem like she would stick to the regimen because of a lack of discipline and a lack of understanding of what carbohydrates are (Wait, if it’s Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, does that, like, burn the carbohydrates off, y’all?)
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Scholl’s
Treatment: Give Britney’s feet a rest through shoe inserts that will have her “gellin’ like Magellan”
Analysis: After years of being on the road and shooting highly choreographed music videos, maybe more comfortable shoes would help Britney relax into a more comfortable lifestyle. She could regain the precise and mildly pornographic dance moves that catapulted her to super-stardom instead of the lazy, immobile moves she displayed at last year’s VMAs.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
The Spin Doctors
Treatment: Serenade her with such 90s alt-rock hits as “Two Princes” and “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong”
Analysis: While this jam band breaks out all the hits from their multi-platinum album Pocket Full of Kryptonite, Britney might realize that her music and subsequently her life, isn’t all that bad. I mean, they had their one album and faded into oblivion, while Britney keeps churning out hits even when she’s mentally unstable. To be honest, this is probably worse for The Spin Doctors. The fact that they would reunite and the best gig they can get is at Promises trying to convince Britney not to kill herself. It’s sad.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTORS
And finally. . .
Dr. Phil
Treatment: State the obvious to Britney in a slow Southern drawl so she can understand that what she’s doing is often stupid
Analysis: While Dr. Phil speaks the same language as Britney, his recommendations will probably fall on deaf ears because Britney knows mishandling her kids and abusing substances are bad for her. She just likes doing them. Some quack repeating it slowly in simple language isn’t a deterrent. It’s annoying.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
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12.20.07
Posted in Music, The Diesel at 3:20 pm by Diesel The
I admit it. I’m a sucker for a great Christmas song. Like everyone, I go straight for the classics first and look at any “new” songs or remakes with a wary eye. 99.99% of them are terrible. Sorry, Josh Groban (okay, that’s not really fair because I’m not aware of ever hearing a single song of his. But his Christmas album is currently number one and I just have a hunch that if I were to listen to it, I would put it in the 99.99%).
I will also admit that some classic songs kind of suck, too. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer is a classic, I suppose, and very enjoyable when you’re four. However, it’s also extremely irritating when you’re 24.
So after 4 years of scouring the Christmas CD collection of WJCU in my college radio DJ days, and a few more years after that accumulating what I can from the internet, this is my list of essential Christmas music that I listen to every year. You should be able to fit them on two 80 minute CDs (if anyone uses CDs anymore). (CDs Nutz!) (Sorry, had to say it).
The Big 3
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas – Frank Sinatra
White Christmas – Bing Crosby
The Christmas Song – Nat King Cole
Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, and Frank Sinatra are the forefathers of classic Christmas music. And these are easily the three best Christmas songs from the past one hundred years. Put them together, and you have Christmas magic. Sitting next to a Christmas tree, a roaring fire (actual or on a flat screen tv), hot cocoa (or Irish coffee), family and friends, and these songs on the radio. That should be Christmas every year.
Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Solstice, Harvest, or December 25th
Christmas – Blues Traveler
If you’ve never heard this song, you should iTunes or Limewire (or whatever it is those crazy kids do these days) right away. The only Christmas song I’ve ever heard that name drops Kwanzaa, let alone Chanukah, Solstice, and Harvest. I love the all inclusiveness. And like any good Christmas song, it’s got a tinge of nostalgia and regret, but is ultimately a message of hope, peace, and love. Gotta love it.
Classics
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas – Judy Garland
I’ll Be Home For Christmas – Bing Crosby
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! – Frank Sinatra
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer – Gene Autry
The Most Wonderful Time of the Year – Johnny Mathis
Come Rest Ye’ Merry Gentlemen – Bing Crosby
Do You Hear What I Hear? – Nat King Cole
Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Frank Sinatra
I’ll Be Home For Christmas – Frank Sinatra
It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas – Bing Crosby
These songs are classic. You know it and I know it. Anything by Frankie or Bing or Nat and the Christmas spirit fills the air. Judy Garland’s version of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas is heart breaking. I love the line (changed for Frankie’s version): “Someday soon, we all will be together, if the fates allow. Until then we’ll have to muddle through somehow…” Plus, Sinatra’s Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! is played over the end credits of Die Hard. Impossible to top that.
Cartoon Classics
Holly Jolly Christmas – Burl Ives
You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch – Boris Karloff
Silver and Gold – Burl Ives
The Chimpmunk Song – Alvin & the Chimpmunks
Christmastime is Here - Vince Guaraldi (A Charlie Brown Christmas)
These are the greatest songs from the Christmas specials of our childhood. Rudolph, the Grinch, Charlie Brown…They all bring back that excited Christmas feeling we lost as we aged.
Golden Oldies
Blue Christmas – Elvis Presley
Wonderful Christmastime – Paul McCartney
Please Come Home For Christmas – The Eagles
Merry Christmas, Baby – The Beach Boys
Santa Claus is Coming to Town – The Beach Boys
Auld Lang Syne – the Beach Boys
Christmas Time (Is Here Again) – The Beatles
Feliz Navidad – Jose Feliciano
We Three Kings – The Beach Boys
Jingle Bell Rock - Bobby Helms
Run Rudolph Run – Chuck Berry
The Man With All The Toys – The Beach Boys
Happy Xmas (War Is Over) – John Lennon
Little Saint Nick – The Beach Boys
They even made Christmas music back in the early days of Rock n Roll. Shocking, I know. The entire Beach Boys’ Christmas Album is a classic, especially Little Saint Nick and The Man With All The Toys. John Lennon and Paul McCartney both check in with solid (in Paul’s case) and spectacular (in John’s case) Christmas classics. And for me, it’s not Christmas Eve unless I hear Feliz Navidad.
Very Special Christmas Music
Christmas Eve (Sarajevo) – Trans-Siberian Orchestra (Carol of the Bells)
Do They Know it’s Christmas? – Barenaked Ladies
Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Bruce Springsteen
The Christmas Song – Hootie & the Blowfish
Oh, Holy Night! – Jewel
Christmastime – Smashing Pumpkins
Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home) – U2
The Birth of Christ – Boyz II Men
Song for a Winter’s Night – Sarah McLachlan
Jingle Bells – The Brian Setzer Orchestra
Let It Snow – Boyz II Men
Silent Night – Boyz II Men
Christmas Song – Dave Matthews Band
These are the (relatively) new Christmas songs that will hopefully find their rightful place in the canon of Christmas classics (gotta love alliteration). I call it “Very Special Music” because a good portion of these songs were made for the Very Special Christmas compilations. Only the best tracks made it to this list, my favorite being Blues Traveler’s Christmas, as mentioned above. Yes, I know Band Aid did Do They Know It’s Christmas?, but I can’t find that track online and I do dig BNL’s live version. The Trans-Siberian Orchestra track is my favorite performance of Carol of the Bells. Hootie does a nice job with The Christmas Song, as does Jewel with Oh, Holy Night! The Smashing Pumpkins, not at the top of mind when it comes to Christmas tunes, pulls off a really nice, original track. And yeah, I like Boyz II Men’s Christmas Interpretations. We all have our guilty pleasures…
Saturday Night Live
The Chanukah Song – Adam Sandler
Christmastime is Here – Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, Tracy Morgan
SNL comes strong with two solid comedic holiday songs, both of which are better seen, rather than heard. I laugh every time I see Tracy Morgan dancing in place, for no good reason. You Tube that Shiznit.
I Can’t Believe This Song Exists, But I’m So Glad That It Does
Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy – David Bowie & Bing Crosby
OUTSTANDING duet of two disparate musical legends. I didn’t know this even existed until finding it while DJing back in the late 90s. I guess they performed this live on some Christmas special in the 70s only a week or so before Bing passed away. Amazing how great it sounds. If you can find the copy with the introduction from the Christmas special, you’re in for a kitchy treat. Bowie: “Are you the new butler?” Bing: “It’s been a long time since I’ve been the new anything…” But seriously, the song is really really good.
That’s about it. I’m sure I’ve forgotten some lost classic from your youth, so drop a comment or two and let me know what I missed. Or even what song you think shouldn’t be on my list.
Anyway, I hope you have a safe and happy holiday season. Be well.
Peace on Earth to Everyone, and Abundance to Everyone You’re With…
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08.23.07
Posted in Life, Music, Celebrities, Television, Tommy Boy at 3:26 pm by tommyboy
So I’m sitting at my desk, enjoying a delicious York peppermint patty, reading up on current events, when I come across this piece of news - Ryan Seacrest to host Emmy Awards.
What? Look, I have nothing against Ryan Seacrest. I’m sure he’s a decent guy. But the host of the Emmy’s should be an entertainer, right? How does he entertain? He’s not funny. He doesn’t sing or dance. Granted, he looks tan and reads a teleprompter with ease (more than I can say for On The Lot host Adrianna Costa). But still. . .
Which leads me to the ultimate question: Has Ryan Seacrest finally jumped the shark? Every time I think he’s jumped the shark, it seems like he keeps booking increasingly successful and increasingly more ridiculous gigs. (Note: For those of you unfamiliar with the term, “jumping the shark” originated from Happy Days when Fonzie literally jumped over a shark in water skis. It refers to the point in time where a show, a person, or anything for that matter, peaks and never can quite return to its original form. There’s a great web site (www.jumptheshark.com) that both shows all the categories of jumping the shark and also shows when each TV show jumped the shark. Really entertaining.)
Consider the following Seacrest timeline:
1995 - Seacrest becomes the afternoon drive host at Star 98.7 in Los Angeles. Adult Contemporary. You know, the station that white people listen too. Let’s hear some Hootie and the Blowfish! He was popular, got good ratings, and stayed at this station in this time slot until January of 2004. He also starts hosting something called “Gladiators 2000” an American Gladiators for kids. He’s 21. In the next few years, he hosts some other silly unsuccessful shows, but the radio gig is his main thing.
2000 - Seacrest’s first taste of network television is hosting “NBC Saturday Night Movie” I remember being hungover and exhausted after a day of tailgating and watching ND football my Senior year, turning on the television which has stopped recording the ND on NBC game and seeing this tool talking about the movie and asking viewers to call in with their favorite character or line. It was like how TNT and USA have butchered watching movies with Dinner and a Movie or DVD on TV, except worse because it was just this tool out there asking what my favorite Sylvester Stallone movie was. Then I would go out to a house party and be surrounded by tools. I’d get so pissed off I’d start fights with them. I miss college.
2002 - Seacrest starts hosting Idol with some clown named Dunkleman. Here’s where he starts to get big. Seacrest clearly is more popular than Dunkleman, confirmed the following year when Seacrest hosts solo and then hosts American Juniors. It also helps that “metrosexuality” starts to peak and Seacrest becomes the poster boy. From here on out, we can start the discussion of when he jumps the shark.
January/February 2004 - Three major events take place almost simultaneously. Seacrest gets his own TV show, On Air With Ryan Seacrest 1/12/04. Not surprising. They give TV shows to almost anyone who is recognizable. I just saw that Steve, the security guy from Jerry Springer is getting his own syndicated show. Makes sense as a tie-in to what he does on the radio and also a way to tie-in his American Idol success by getting first dibs on the eliminated contestants.
2nd event is Seacrest replaces Casey Kasem as host of American Top 40. Casey Kasem was on his last legs and this also seems like an inevitable move, but still one that raises a few more eyebrows. American Top 40 is a prestigious national radio show and Seacrest is starting to get luckier by the day that these projects keep falling in the lap of a guy without much of a sense of humor or discernible talent besides being tan. (By the way, if you haven’t heard Casey Kasem’s blowup, treat yourself by clicking on a link to an MP3 on this web site, the producers let the tape roll and caught one of the best tirades ever.)
The 3rd event (while wikipedia lists it as February I kinda remember this happening at the same time as the TV show launch) Seacrest switches from 98.7, the station that gave him his big break, to KIIS FM (102.7 in Los Angeles, but syndicated throughout the country) replacing legendary DJ Rick Dees. This seemed like the ultimate jumping the shark moment. First off, Seacrest sells his soul by turning his back on the place that gave him his break and also his co-host of a number of years, Lisa Fox. 98.7 was so stunned that they got a co-host for Fox that sounded almost exactly like Seacrest, to the point that I thought they cloned him. He also goes to the #1 sell-out station, KIIS. And then to top it off, he replaces Rick Dees, the posterboy for jumping the shark, from Disco Duck to The Rick Dees Show. It became a parallel universe where corny prankster Dees was trumped by his ‘04 equivalent, not as funny but considerably more accessible to what the kids want. That Rick Dees held on as long as he did catering to the preteen audience when he was growing more ancient is a testament to his staying power. I never really listened to Dees because I never was up early enough to follow him, but I happened to be listening on his last show after dropping The Diesel off at the airport. It was crazy. People called in crying. You couldn’t believe he was fired, this institution. But here was Seacrest, jumping the ultimate jumper of the shark.
September 2004 - On Air With Ryan Seacrest is cancelled. It seems like Seacrest’s status as having jumped the shark is confirmed. After coining the increasingly ridiculous send-off “Seacrest out,” he gave a humorists a fitting punchline after the show’s demise. After all the special privileges and competitive advantages afforded him, Seacrest still couldn’t get ratings. But. . .
American Idol is still going strong, so inexplicably. . .
April 2005 - Seacrest gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Huh? He’s on the same street as Sean Connery, Tom Cruise, and Pee Wee Herman. He gets the radio symbol, but we basically got the middle finger. Fate has said, “Yeah this guy is famous, whether you like it or not. So stick it up your ass.” Turns out you can pay for the privilege of being immortalized with a star, so it’s only partially an honor. Have enough money and you too can be recognized.
August 2005 - Announced that Seacrest becomes executive producer and co-host of Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years Eve. First Casem, then Dees, and now Clark. Seacrest starts replacing giants one by one. But now it’s the world-beloved Dick Clark on arguably the most iconic American event of the year. Outside of the Super Bowl and maybe the Oscars, is there a televised event that has as much significance as Dick Clark on New Years Eve? Whether it gets ratings or not, everyone recognizes it. It’s what you watch if you’re not going out on New Years Eve and even if you are out at a bar or a house party there’s a good chance it’s on as everyone watches the ball drop in Times Square. Seacrest’s ascension seems to be unthwarted. Maybe he didn’t jump the shark. He’s officially enjoying the career path we all thought Carson Daly would have.
December 2005 - Clark is ill and Seacrest hosts New Years Eve solo. The deal with the devil is firmly in place as the ageless Clark cannot overcome the force that is Seacrest and finally starts to show his age. Can it get bigger for Seacrest? No, right? He’s Skeletor in the Masters of the Universe movie after the key is returned and his suit turns to gold. He’s impossible to stop. You would think this is his peak.
January 2006 - Seacrest gets a 3 yr deal to host E! News. Almost immediately after supplanting Clark, Seacrest gets another job. Fronting the hard-hitting news team at E! News, giving us the latest on Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Heidi from the Hills. It’s a logical move, but also one that really highlights his rise to power. Sadly, many people care more about their celebutantes than they do the war in Iraq or socioeconomic ills. So he is delivering the news that today’s youth care about, the Walter Kronkite for the iPod generation. He also has so many jobs he reminds me of the Jamaican family on In Living Color (we work 25 hours a day, mon!)
June 2007 - Seacrest makes cameo in Knocked Up. And it’s a hilarious cameo at that with a great Jessica Simpson joke on top of a self-referential joke. I have to confess that this guy kinda won me over with this. Is this his peak? Parody, as Mel Brooks demonstrated in Blazing Saddles among other films, signals the end of a genre’s true significance, and by doing a self-parody maybe he has foretold his demise. Doubt it. He’s really good at this, and probably bought himself some a few more ticks of the clock on his 15 minutes. But then you hear. . .
August 2007 - Seacrest will host the 2007 Emmy Awards. OK, this is getting ridiculous. This has to be the jumping the shark moment. The Emmys host has to be funny and entertaining, even moreso because there are so many awards and it’s the same winners every year, and he’s neither. It can be nothing but an abject failure, right? And this will surely be the end of King Seacrest, right?
That’s what I’ve thought in the past and he proves me wrong time and time again.
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07.26.07
Posted in Music, Television, Big D at 9:44 pm by Big D
Hey - there’s a show on CET HD right now called “Soundstage” and it’s Jewel performing… not to sound like a homo, but she’s very good.
Also, she’s very hot.
But, besides that it’s pretty cool - just her and an acoustic guitar singing tunes. I’d kind of forgotten about her, but it’s good to see that she’s both still hot and a genuinely good musician, unlike most of the music chicks these days.
Oh, and yea: she’s still not had her teeth fixed, but it’s not really that bad & I can understand a concern that it may change her sound.
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Posted in Celebrities, Music, Life, Television, Movies, News, Sports, JD at 2:40 pm by jd
A little bit of this, a little bit of that…
Great post today by AJ. Consider it my muse for the following, musings. Too much muse, sorry. Sorry, Rick Reilly, I’m stealing your column idea. Apologies also to Oleander for stealing their line.
“We’re here to be there when our kid has three goals and an assist. And especially when he doesn’t.”
– Rick Reilly
We’re here to donate to a cause we believe in, even if it means buying a burrito that has the proceeds donated to the Urban Learning Garden; and even if it DOESN’T mean donating to a Church. Your beliefs are your own, and you are entitled. Just don’t express them around me because I might not agree with you, and if not, you are wrong!
We’re here to bitch at the referees, throw a pillow at the television, call our “favorite” players and coaches the most grotesque names in the book, then ask them for an autograph when we see them at a restaurant. AFTER they finish eating.
We’re here to hate our job, but know that, God willing, it is leading us to something better.
We’re here to be entertained, to think and to be moved to tears. Jimmy V says you should laugh, think and cry everyday, and I think he knew what he was talking about. By the way, we are here to NEVER give up. I will fight, today I win.
We are here to judge you. It’s human nature. Wedge, Brown, Crennel, Vick, Pacman, Donaghy, Stern, Goodell, Selig, Bonds, Lohan, Spears, Hilton we are judging you right now. Get over it. The first thing we do when we talk to someone on the phone, see them in person or otherwise communicate with them is size them up. We just usually don’t publicize our judgment. Well guess what? You put yourself into the public domain, we put our judgment into the public domain. You don’t have to preside over a court to have that right.
We are here to laugh at George Bush when he says, “Too many OB/GYN’s aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country” and then freak out when we realize he doesn’t get what he just said. Oh, and he’s our president.
We are here to play Coed sports, to win a Rec basketball league and feel good about ourselves, to mock people that blatantly ask for it, to agree with Carlos Mencia, to go see a “little kids” movie on opening night and then sneak into something else after for a double feature. We’re here to spoil the people we care about. We’re here to drink enough once that we never want to drink again. We’re here to make a kid feel good about himself, and we’re here to grin uncontrollably when a baby smiles at us.
We’re here to ridicule people who write about babies.
We’re here to associate ourselves with a character from Winnie the Pooh, or a Disney Princess or decide who gets to be Vince amongst our group of friends. We’re here to act like we’re one of the gang when we talk about last week’s episode. We’re here for “Let’s hug it out!” and “What is the deal with lamp shades?” and a Bill Cosby lecture that’s five minutes too long, but absolutely perfect. We’re here to get excited when superduperstars make cameos. “Is that something you might be interested in?”
We’re here to say please and thank you. We’re here to laugh at farts. We’re here to embellish our stories so that no one believes them, but heck, it makes us feel good. We’re here to give a speech that we are completely unprepared for, knock it out of the park and then treat ourselves to a nice lunch after.
We are here to start a slow clap, to give a big pump up speech, to pick up our opponent when we knock them to the ground and to tip our cap when they deserve it. We’re here to fall flat on our face. We’re here to sleep in the bed we’ve made.
We’re here to fall off the horse. We are here to get back on.
We’re here to post endless blogs and not give a damn what anyone else thinks.
“VICTORY!!!”
Be well.
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07.16.07
Posted in Music, The Diesel at 3:31 pm by Diesel The
So Saturday night, on kind of a lark, Tommy Boy, myself, and our friend Rich end up at the House of Blues at the Sunset Strip, beer in hand, waiting for the opening act to take the stage at a Rusted Root concert. Yeah, I didn’t know they were still together either, but memories of listening to their first album at parties back in high school were too strong to ignore. So we ended up going. Why the hell not?
So the opening act comes on and, from the reaction of the crowd, I would bet money that not a single person had ever heard of them before. They turn out to be a three piece British band called Back Door Slam. This is a name, which, to me, means that they either, a) get angry when leaving and slam the back door of their homes; b) are fans of basketball, specifically the back door pass and slam dunk; Or c) fans of, well, I think you can guess the last one.
Here’s the crazy thing, though. They were good. I mean, really REALLY GOOD. The audience which had paid them no attention whatsoever at the start of the show, was cheering like crazy for them by the end. I even had goosebumps at one point.
As I said, they’re a 3 piece band. Bass guitar, drum set, and lead guitar and that’s it. Looking at the three of them, as Tommy mentioned during their first song, they didn’t look like they were in the same band. The bass guitarist, Adam Jones, looked straight out of an emo group with straight black hair, a tight t-shirt, and acting like he couldn’t care less. The drummer, Ross Doyle, was a bigger bald guy with a wacky hat (I’m guessing he was bald) and also seemed to just be chillin’. Davy Knowles, the lead guitarist/vocalist, though, is who blew everyone away. He was obviously the reason the rest of the band was there at all. He looked semi-grunge, jeans, button-down shirt, and disheveled Beatle-esque hair.
And this guy could play. As a guy with zero musical talent and zero actual knowledge of how to play any musical instrument, let alone a guitar, I can still say, with confidence, that this guy was GOOD. (It’s like pornography. “I know it when I see it; Or, that which gives me wood.”) (Thank you, Jon Stewart). I’ve been to a lot of concerts, good, bad, and everywhere in between, and I have never seen anything quite like this.
I’m not quite sure how to describe their sound. Definitely kind of a classic rock, bluesy vibe. Reminds me of Clapton with a little Hendrix and some Springsteen thrown in. But with a modern feel to it. After three songs, I leaned over to Tommy Boy and told him that, after having seen John Mayer*, the guy who has sold millions of records and is dating Jessica Simpson, that I was far more entertained by this guy. In fact, this is the kind of guitar player John Mayer wakes up in the morning wishing he could be (or thinks he already is).
At one point, the lead guitarist says they’re going to do a cover of a song BB King and Clapton did a few years ago, “Ridin’ with the King.” Now we already knew the guy was a good guitar player, but we didn’t know how good. So I made the comment giving the guy credit for his ambition. Not just anyone can do a song justice once it’s been performed by two of the greatest guitarists of all time. But that sonofabitch pulled it off. I said, “what’s next? Hendrix?” Yup. He actually pulled out a friggin’ Hendrix song and blew us away with that, too. Sickeningly good.
So they finished their set and everyone went wild. As they left the stage, strangers were turning to us to verify that yes, we did just see that. Rusted Root came on and only a few songs in, they called the lead guitarist out to jam with them. He completely stole the song. I’ve never seem someone play like that in my life.
And actually, Rusted Root was a fun show as well. It did indeed take us back to our high school days. I also love it when a concert doesn’t end until almost 1 am. We definitely got our money’s worth (Only downside: $6 for a can of Bud Light. Yes, I said “can”).
And we discovered a brand new talent. If you get the chance to see Back Door Slam live at some point, I highly recommend it. They just released their first album, Roll Away, a couple weeks ago. I think to really do them justice you need to see them live, but it will definitely give you an idea of their sound and talent.
It’s great discoveries like this, and the sharing of this discovery with a room full of strangers, that prove that there is nothing quite like the live concert experience . . .
*Yes, I attended a concert at which John Mayer was performing. Okay, I’ve actually gone to 5 concerts at which John Mayer was performing. In my defense, the first two he was touring with Guster, the second two with Counting Crows, and the last one, with Ben Folds. All three of those bands rule and if Mayer was on last we left early every time. So there. Plus Mayer did that Chappelle’s Show sketch, so he can’t be all bad.
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07.09.07
Posted in Life, Music, Celebrities, Tommy Boy at 12:58 pm by tommyboy
Few songs have captured the true human spirit more than Eddie Murphy’s “Party All the Time.” Collaborating with legendary wordsmith Rick James, Murphy created a timeless classic, one rich in literary wonder and enlightenment. I will now conduct a lyrical analysis to “Party All the Time” in the hopes to uncover the genius behind the words.
Girl I can’t understand it, why you want to hurt me
After all of the things i’ve done for you
Murphy and James aggressively begin the song in the first person, challenging the girl who likes to party all the time. By using “it” plus the qualifier, Murphy and James indicate the girl probably knows her fault, the “it”, and the qualifier becomes significant for our hero, Murphy. He is verbalizing his frustration more for his own benefit, which is carried through the song. Murphy introduces the notion that if you provide for the girl she should be appreciative if she really cared about you.
I buy you champagne, roses and put diamonds on your fingers
But still you hang out all night, what am I to do
OK, so Murphy has not only bought her expensive champagne and roses, but he is already at the stage of putting diamonds on her fingers. This relationship is serious and this girl is not treating the relationship with the respect it deserves by hanging out all night. Murphy has asked a rather introspective question, wondering what he should do in said situation. Should he buy this girl even more champagne and diamonds? Should he end the relationship? At this stage, he simply will confront his girl in song.
My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time, party all the time
Murphy and James use triplicate structure to emphasize that this girl likes to party all the time. Now, instead of talking to the girl, they talk to us, the casual observer. They explain the difficult situation our hero is in, being in this relationship where one man buys this girl champagne and roses, but she never enjoys it because she is always out partying.
My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time, she parties all the time
Murphy and James re-emphasize this girl’s partying nature through almost the identical triplicate structure, but really kicks it in by adding the pronoun “she” on the last phrase. This girl really parties all the time, and it drives our heartsick hero mad.
Whoooohooohoohoo (party all the time)
She likes to party all the time (party all the time)
Whoooohooohoohoo (party all the time)
She likes to party all the time (party all the time)
Murphy wails like a dog, crying for his master. Unfortunately, the dog’s master is a girl who likes to party all the time so she cannot attend to his needs. And then, in the parenthetical, James chips in. This is like bringing in the expert witness at trial. Rick James frequents a lot of parties, and can corroborate that this girl parties all the time. Thus, it’s not just one man’s potentially jaded perception of his relationship. We have a second opinion that confirms how this girl parties all the time. The repetition from two sources really drives home the point and helps us to feel the angst of our protagonist.
Girl I seen you at clubs, just hangin out and dancing
You give your number to every man you see
The narrative takes a significant twist in this couplet. Murphy and James return to addressing the girl and we now see that Murphy has followed his girl to the clubs. Maybe he asked one day, “What have you been doing?” And the girl says, “I was just partying.” Murphy replies, “You were partying all the time?” And she retorts, “Yes, I like to party all the time.” Murphy grows suspicious that the partying may be something more nefarious and follows her to the point that he sees her in the clubs. At first it seems innocent. She’s just hangin’ out and dancing. But the dancing leads to her giving her numbers out to strange men. Have they provided her with champagne and diamonds like our hero has? Surely not all of them. Why is she providing her number to every man she sees? She’s not very selective. Not only does she like to party all the time, she likes to flirt with a plethora of men, confirming the fears of our protagonist.
You never come home at night because your out romancin
I wish you’d bring some of your love home to me
This relationship just got a little crazier. This girl never comes home at night because she is out romancin’. She must just go home with a different guy every night. Is Murphy her daytime boyfriend? Or is he just one of the guys she went home with one time and he pines for her as if she is his girl? I suspect by the fact that he has bought her diamonds for her fingers that their relationship is significant - or at least it was - and her partying ways have escalated, now to the point that Murphy cannot take it anymore. But even though she’s out romancin’ every guy she meets, he really wants the relationship to last. It says a lot about Murphy’s desperation, but even more about this girl. She charms men like the Medusa, unable to let her go even when she parties all the time.
But My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time, party all the time
Murphy and James return to triplicate structure to emphasize her partying, but now we know the partying may now mean partying sexually with every man she meets. By starting with “But,” Murphy and James are reasoning the notion introduced in the last line, that Murphy wants her to bring her love home. He is a conflicted lover, wanting to recapture the love they had when he provided her champagne and roses, but also struggling with her constant partying. The “But” seems to be Murphy’s inner voice, saying that he needs to let go of those irrational emotions and think logically. How can you be in a relationship with someone who parties all the time?
My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time
She still parties all the time. Sh’s never going to stop. Now we have a duplicate structure, maybe because Murphy and James are fed up with her shenanigans.
My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time, party all the time
My girl wants to party all the time
party all the time (hold) yeah
Murphy and James show that this girl really wants to party all the time. Murphy even holds the word time for what seemed to be an infinite length, suggesting that time literally has stood still because of her excessive partying.
party party party party party
The repetition of the word party emphasizes what this girl likes to do. Does she like to knit all the time? No, she likes to party all the time.
whoooooo
whoooohoohooo
Again more wailing like the lovesick puppy. This girl has truly broken Murphy’s spirit to a point beyond words.
she likes to party all the time
she lets her hair down
she likes to party down
James comes in for this last stanza, probably because Murphy has been too broken down by his girl’s partying ways. And James also adds in the nugget that she lets her hair down. Maybe this is part of her dual persona. To Murphy, she is prim and proper with her hair up, but when she parties her hair is down. She is a different person, clearly not the person Murphy fell in love with when he bought her champagne, roses and diamonds.
Unfortunately, Rick James is no longer with us and Murphy has not recorded a significant record since, but we will always have their epic story of unrequited love, unrequited because of a girl who couldn’t stop partying all the time.
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06.22.07
Posted in Life, Music, Celebrities, Tommy Boy at 7:22 pm by tommyboy
The other night I had a dream that I got a venereal disease from Avril Lavigne. So, good news, I had sex with Avril Lavigne. Bad news, I got VD. It’s a difficult call whether I came out ahead on this one, so I will now examine the situation from a glass half-full / glass half-empty perspective.
Glass half-full - I totally had sex with Avril Lavigne! She’s an international pop sensation. She’s on Maxim’s Hot 100. Chicks who can sing are very sexy. Good work, Tommy.
Glass half-empty - Yeah, she’s on the Maxim Hot 100, but she’s not THAT hot. The Maxim list is bullshit anyway; it’s all about who has the best publicist and whether you’ll do a spread. Avril Lavigne’s kinda dirty (did I mention the venereal disease?) so they’ll get a spread out of her someday and threw her a bone now. I’ve gone my whole life disease free and I’m going to blow that on Avril Lavigne? That’s like going through high school with perfect attendance and two weeks before graduation ditching school for a matinee of Baby Geniuses. If you’re going to blow it, blow it with some style.
Glass half-full: Sure, she’s no Jessica Biel. But she’s quite do-able AND she’s a celebrity. That’s huge. I might get in US Weekly. I could have a good conversation piece at Hollywood parties. If I ever see the dude from Sum 41, I could honestly say, “Yeah, I hit that too.” Then we’d nod in a knowing manner and go off on our way, cause that’s what dude’s do. In between burning sensations, I’d feel pretty proud of myself.
Glass half-empty: She’s a celebrity now, but how far into her fifteen minutes of fame is she? Fourteen? If I said that I got gonnorhea from Sporty Spice, sure it would be cool at the time, but who cares about Sporty Spice now? And I still would have the gonnorhea.
Glass half-full: She’s not going away any time soon. She plays guitar. She’s got a punk attitude. She’s a real musician.
Glass half-empty: Her music sucks. That song “Girlfriend” is terrible.
Glass half-full: I like that song “Girlfriend.” It’s pretty catchy.
Glass half-empty: “Girlfriend” is a really popular song at gay dance clubs. If I like that song, maybe I’m gay.
Glass half-full: If I were gay, I probably wouldn’t have had sex with Avril Lavigne.
Glass half-empty: True. But then I wouldn’t have a venereal disease.
Glass half-full: True.
(Awkward silence)
Glass half-full: Avril Lavigne is Canadian and they have free health care. If I went up to visit Avril, I could get free medicine for my venereal disease. And then probably have sex with her, unless that was a one-time thing which is totally cool.
Glass half-empty: She lives in LA now, so I couldn’t visit her in Canada. Maybe her parents. But that would be awkward. “Hi, your daughter gave me a venereal disease. Do you mind if I crash here and get some free drugs?” It wouldn’t work.
Glass half-full: Oh, she lives in LA. Since we both already had sex and share the same venereal disease, maybe I could drop by and have sex with her again.
Glass half-empty: I think that was a one time thing.
Glass half-full: Totally cool.
It’s tough to determine which side is right in this debate. But that’s how life is. It’s. . . complicated. “Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?” Why indeed.
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