Oh boy, I did lots today. Today was so super. Here is a list of the top eight things I did today:
1. I saw a trailer for Speed Racer today. It was a really cool trailer. I think I want to make a list of the Top 12 trailers of movies based on old cartoons. This would be different from the list I proposed of the top 12 movies based on old cartoons because it would just be about the trailers
2. I had an awesome breakfast. The top five things in my breakfast today, in no particular order, were scrambled eggs, whole wheat toast, crispy bacon, Valencia orange juice, and strawberry jam. I don’t know if it ranks in my top 15 breakfasts of all time, but it certainly ranks in my top nine homemade breakfasts of all time
3. I got in a heated debate about American Idol today with one of my coworkers. She said that David Archuleta was the greatest Idol contestant whose last name ended in a vowel and I said he wouldn’t even crack the top four, what with Fantasia Barrino, Justin Guarini, Bo Bice, and Kimberly Locke. She said nuh-uh, Locke doesn’t end with a vowel and I said yeah-huh. And she was totally better. Remember that song “8th World Wonder.” That has numbers and words. I like numbers and words. It’s almost like a list but not quite
4. I thought of several lists today. The top three lists I thought of were Top 25 Movies featuring veterinarians, Top 15 actors who appeared in Burger King commercials (Elisabeth Shue, I’m thinking you’re up there!), and Top 50 uses of synthesizers in 80s songs. Those are awesome lists.
5. I got home early so I was able to catch up on the TiVo for my favorite show: E’s “The Daily 10.” That show is so cool. It puts entertainment news in list form, which makes it more important to me. They should really do the news news, like the Darfur stuff, you know, in list form. It would make it so much easier to follow.
6. I did a list with Roman numerals instead of numbers, and that was kind of neat. Numbers are better for lists, but Roman numerals are good for a change of pace or if you meet a Roman and you want to speak his language. Letters are OK too, but you’re going have so many letters in the actual list, you should just use numbers. I think it goes, in order, numbers, Roman numerals, letters, and then wingdings. Wingdings are the worst because they’re weird.
7. Someone posted a comment that it was so much better years ago when Entertainment Weekly put out an important list once or twice a year, but I totally nailed that guy. I gave him 20 reasons why daily lists are better than biannual lists and I ordered them from least awesome to most awesome which is the best way to structure a list. It was definitely in the top 75 responses to a reader complaint about our lists of all time. So eat that, hotpants17!
8. I bought an orangutan.
So that was my day. Out of all the days in the week it was definitely in the top 7 Write to you tomorrow!
So this year’s edition of Rock of Love, Rock of Love 2 with Brett Michaels, ended on Sunday with Ambre taking the crown as Brett’s “rock of love.” Amidst a sea of skanks, media-whores, and women of ill repute, Ambre displayed class, poise, and the perfect dose of sexiness to woo the lead singer of Poison. Her performance was undeniably a thing of beauty. One may even call it Jordanesque. In fact, Ambre’s rise to “rock of love” status has a distinct correlation to the career of Michael Jordan. As Michael Jordan established himself as the most prolific basketball player of his generation, Ambre established herself as the greatest female suitor in the Rock of Love house.
Episode 1: When the women whore themselves out to Brett on their first day seeing him, Ambre stays back and chooses to stay above the fray. She almost gets cut from the show, but, stunningly, Jackye quits on her own and Ambre is given another chance.
Connection to MJ: Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, thus establishing his legend of overcoming an early obstacle
Episode 2: Ambre takes advantage of her second chance by being amongst the top three in the Peep Show, where the contestants had to demonstrate a talent for Brett. Ambre’s talent was “giving presents” so she wrapped herself up in a bow and unwrapped herself for Brett. This showed Brett that she was interested in him, that she was sexy, and that she was creative.
Connection to MJ: Jordan truly burst onto the scene early on when he hit the game winning shot in the NCAA Championship game as a Freshman against Georgetown. While Jordan was surrounded by stars much more highly touted than he (as was Ambre), Jordan established himself as a clutch performer.
Episode 3: Ambre fights hard but ultimately loses in the Roller Derby where they have to protect baby Brett. She stays above the fray when other girls try to interrupt Kristy Joe’s solo date
Connection to MJ: Probably the hardest direct correlation of the lot, but let’s compare this to Jordan falling to third in the 1984 NBA Draft. He wasn’t bitter or frustrated, but it put a chip on MJ’s shoulder so he could go out and prove he was the best.
Episode 4: Ambre continues to shine as her team wins the “motorcycle repair” challenge and Ambre gets to do a 50s style photo shoot. Ambre’s classic and classy beauty is perfect for the shoot. But the other bitches on her team, like Megan, contnue to rag and hate on her.
Connection to MJ: Jordan’s rookie year was nothing less of sensational. Jordan’s athleticism and ability to score coupled with a photo on the cover of Sports Illustrated with the title “A Star is Born” turns Jordan into the next superstar. He gets selected to the All-Star game but bitches on his team, like Isaiah Thomas, hate on him and try to freeze him out.
Episode 5: In the second annual Mud Bowl, Ambre clearly leads her team in an unlikely and epic athletic performance. Ambre squares off against Daisy (it really was between these two the whole time, wasn’t it?) with mud and blood flying. She gets injured but battles through. The game goes into overtime, but in the end Ambre loses.
Connection to MJ: Coming off an injury-plagued season, Jordan faces off against Larry Bird and the Boston Celtics in the Boston Garden for a memorable playoff game. Jordan puts in a record 63 points in an epic athletic performance. The game goes into overtime, but in the end Jordan loses.
Episode 6: After battling through her injuries, Ambre shines in the cowgirl competition, riding against a professional rider in Katherine, and her team wins. Jessica gets the MVP and the solo date. On the group date, while Ambre talks and connects with Brett emotionally, Kristy Joe steals the spotlight by making out hard with Brett in the “dinner in the dark.” But Ambre was winning Brett over as the most complete player in the game.
Connection to MJ: Jordan comes back the following season from his injury and puts up the most prolific numbers of his career, 37.1 ppg, over 200 steals and 100 blocks (first time in NBA history, 86% from the line and 48% from the field, but Magic Johnson won the MVP and the NBA title. Others would win titles and MVPs, but Jordan established himself as the most complete player in the game.
Episode 7: Ambre partners with Kristy Joe for a performance for war veterans. They lose, but Ambre comes through with one of her most clutch performances in the series. When Brett asks everyone at dinner which girls are there for the wrong reasons, all the girls hesitate to rock the boat with honesty, except for Ambre who takes a big shot at Kristy Joe. Ambre’s honesty was exactly what Brett wanted and she got the first VIP pass. She had frontrunner status from then on.
Connection to MJ: MJ took his own shot – known to the basketball world and especially to Cleveland fans as “The Shot”, hitting a straight-on jumper over Craig Ehlo at the buzzer of Game 5 in a first round series, propelling the Bulls to the next round of the playoffs. That game-winner established Jordan as the top clutch shooter in basketball and the most feared player with the ball in his hands.
Episode 8: In an episode where the girls have to make a music video, Ambre steps up and directs, and considering her limited resources did a very good job. Megan derisively says, “What does she think she is, Martin Scorsese?” but Ambre’s effort compared to the orgy masturbation video turned in by Daisy’s crew wins her a solo date with Brett where they connect on a spiritual level. Ambre is distancing herself from the competition, a passing of the torch of sorts from former frontrunner Daisy.
Connection to MJ: Jordan wins his first championship, adding leadership to his immense talents and pushing the Bulls past pre-AIDS Magic Johnson and the LA Lakers for the title. It was a passing of the torch from Magic to Michael, and MJ would never look back.
Episode 9: Ex-boyfriends infilrate the house and Ambre is expecting her ex-fiancee to dish dirt on her. To Ambre’s surprise, her best friend has come instead. While Brett gets dirt from ex-boyfriends, Ambre gets nothing but praise from her friend. In the same episode, a bombshell is dropped that Daisy still lives with her ex in a one-bedroom apartment. This will ultimately crush any chance Daisy has of winning Brett’s trust.
Connection to MJ: This is like when Jordan hit six three pointers in the first half of a Finals game in 1992, with 3 pointers not really the most noted part of his game, and threw his arms up to the announcers on the sideline. He didn’t know he had it in him and it seemed like Jordan was leading a charmed life. And Magic’s AIDS equals Daisy’s ex situation. She could never recover.
Episode 10: The girls go to Vegas and Ambre seemingly fades away, letting Daisy’s ex-relationship and Jessica’s drunkenness take the spotlight. Being out of the spotlight only seems to highlight her sanity and makes her stronger as a counterpoint to the other girls.
Connection to MJ: Jordan went away to play baseball. His absence from the game only seemed to highlight his importance to the game. Also, Michael Jordan did a little movie called “Space Jam” where he shined against several cartoonish characters in a ridiculous contest. That’s quite a parallel, isn’t it? (By the way, the Space Jam lineup of the greatest players in the game: Muggsy Bogues, Larry Johnson, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, and Shawn Bradley? First of all, the best players in the game? Really? And who’s the shooting guard? Grand-ma-ma? A quick team with good guard play destroys them. I could never take this film seriously.)
Episode 11: Ambre faces her toughest obstacle. Ambre’s dad reveals to Brett that she is 37. Problem is, she told Brett she was 32. Honesty, or lack thereof, thwarted girls’ chances in the past. But what does Ambre do? She tells Brett she loves him. She rises above. And then in the elimination, she lets Daisy take the hero role in outing Destiney’s lack of love for Brett.
Connection to MJ: Jordan overcomes the flu in game 5 of the 1997 Finals in one of the greatest single performances in NBA history, rising above adversity to will his team to victory. And then in the decisive game 6, Jordan passed up the game-winning shot to Steve Kerr.
Episode 12: In a head-to-head duel with Daisy, Ambre is called out as not being sexy. Ambre responds by delivering the death blow. She seduces Brett, gives him an erotic massage, declares at dinner that she wasn’t wearing underwear, and then shows the goods Basic Instinct style. What does Daisy do under pressure? She vomits on a boat. Not only is Ambre saner, she becomes sexier and willing to deliver under pressure. It was the performance that truly sealed Ambre’s legacy.
Connection to MJ: In a crucial back and forth deciding Game 6 of the 1998 Finals, Michael Jordan takes over the end of the game, which many suspect may be his last, stealing the ball and putting on an offensive exhibition in the last minute, culminating with a game-winning shot over Bryon Russell. It was the shot that could forever define his legacy.
Now it wasn’t truly the end of Michael Jordan’s career and the tour won’t end for Ambre either. Jordan sputtered as an owner and had a comeback in a Wizards jersey that many of us would like to forget. All I’m saying is, it might be really creepy if Ambre breaks up with Brett, later goes on to own a less successful band like, say, Winger, and then in a desperate attempt to revitalize the band starts dating Kip Winger. That amount of parallel would be frightening.
Dr. Phil has been criticized for his involvement in trying to help Britney Spears. Maybe Dr. Phil is an opportunist or maybe he truly cares, but the better question is “Would he help?” Would he be a good doctor for Ms. Spears to visit? So I’ve decided to compile a list of noted doctors. We’ll take a look at how they would treat Britney Spears and whether they would be a Good Doctor or a Bad Doctor.
Dr. Drew Pinsky Treatment: Bring her into Celebrity Rehab where she can detox and discuss her problems with the guy from Taxi and a couple porn stars. Analysis: The self-described addictionologist can help wean Britney off her drink of choice – Red Bull, Vodka, and Cherry NyQuil – and get her the medical attention she needs. But more importantly, she can take a look at the has-beens in front of her and improve her self-esteem by repeating to herself, “It’s Britney, bitch.” Would this make her more likely to believe she doesn’t really have a problem comparatively? Maybe. But Dr. Drew can show Britney barely living examples of where she could be if she doesn’t get her life in order. And his experience on Loveline can help her get out of the unhealthy relationship with Adnan Ghalib. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Doc Brown Treatment: Transport Britney back to the start of her career so she can live her life differently. Analysis: Doc Brown would sit Britney down in the Delorean and take her back to the late 90s, during “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” when she was still a virgin (insert winking emoticon) She would realize that she should keep better company, live a better lifestyle, realize she can do better than JT (that may be a stretch), and determine that her talents lie solely in her delicious late 90s ass. When she realizes people will get sick of her vocals and her crazy partying, she can channel her career into more acting roles, fitness videos, and any other thing she can more accurately copy from Madonna’s body of work. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. Laura Treatment: Blame all Britney’s troubles on her kiss with Madonna and attempt to cure Britney of her homosexuality Analysis: Dr. Laura’s diagnosis would not help because making Britney more heterosexual would make her more likely to pop out additional babies, and that’s only going to augment her problems because she has trouble taking care of the kids she already has. And two women kissing doesn’t necessarily make them homosexual, it makes them awesome. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Dre Treatment: Try to revitalize Britney’s music career by laying down sick beats. Analysis: Now here’s a solution! What better way to revitalize a music career than collaborating with one of the greatest producers in Hip Hop history. Also, it’s a way to get at ex-lover JT by working with Timbaland’s predecessor as the preeminent music producer. Successful music can ultimately improve Britney’s self-esteem to the point where she becomes a contributing member of society. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. 90210 Treatment: Improve Britney’s self-image through plastic surgery. Analysis: Sadly, Britney would not benefit from Dr. 90210’s popular procedures. Breast augmentation is unnecessary since babies and ho-hos have already started that process. And any tummy tucks or lyposuction would be undone anytime the Cheesy Gordita Crunch is available at Taco Bell. Self image is always unstable when you consume the alcohol and drugs that she reportedly ingests. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. J Treatment: Embarrass Britney into a more healthy lifestyle by posterizing her with thunderous yet graceful dunks Analysis: The man who turned dunking into an art form when he transitioned from the ABA to the NBA would probably talk trash as he’s raining down slams and jams right in the Notorious B.S.’s face. While the rim-rocking display would be entertaining, it would more than likely not cure Britney of what ails her. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Giggles Treatment: Torture Britney through unlicensed and often ironic use of medical equipment. Analysis: There comes a time when drastic measures are necessary. And maybe a maniacal doctor taking revenge on the town that stoned his father to death is just the answer. Giggles’ witty pun-laden quips would get the message through Britney’s skull, most likely when he is jamming a sharp instrument through her skull. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR Dr. Pepper Treatment: Provide cola refreshment with the extra kick provided by its 23 flavors. Analysis: While surely refreshing and more accredited than competitor Mr. Pibb, Dr. Pepper would only remind Britney how much she likes her sugar-filled drinks to be complemented with Everclear or other alcoholic additives. She doesn’t need that. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Seuss Treatment: Provide life lessons in simple colorful rhyme schemes Analysis: Assuming Britney knows how to read, reading this children’s literature would be helpful in telling Britney how to behave like a good person instead of a skeezle, beezle, or bum. And as a bonus, if she reads these books with her children, she could look like a good mother even when she may not be one. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Juris Doctor Treatment: Instill Britney with knowledge about laws so she becomes better at not breaking them. Analysis: The more Britney learns about the law, the more she’s apt to actually break the law. For example, if she knew there was a law against public urination we would have seen her urinate in public already. She relishes the role of bad girl. It’s not her ignorance of the law that seems to be the problem, it’s her disdain for law.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Doc Martens Treatment: Give Britney a swift kick in the ass. Analysis: Simple. Straightforward. Effective. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. Atkins Treatment: Improve Britney’s physical condition by prescribing a low-carb lifestyle.
Analysis: Reducing carbs will only remove the non-alcoholic portion of Britney’s mixed drink, which will most likely make her more drunk and thus more of a problem. Also, Britney does not seem like she would stick to the regimen because of a lack of discipline and a lack of understanding of what carbohydrates are (Wait, if it’s Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, does that, like, burn the carbohydrates off, y’all?) For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Scholl’s Treatment: Give Britney’s feet a rest through shoe inserts that will have her “gellin’ like Magellan” Analysis: After years of being on the road and shooting highly choreographed music videos, maybe more comfortable shoes would help Britney relax into a more comfortable lifestyle. She could regain the precise and mildly pornographic dance moves that catapulted her to super-stardom instead of the lazy, immobile moves she displayed at last year’s VMAs. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
The Spin Doctors Treatment: Serenade her with such 90s alt-rock hits as “Two Princes” and “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” Analysis: While this jam band breaks out all the hits from their multi-platinum album Pocket Full of Kryptonite, Britney might realize that her music and subsequently her life, isn’t all that bad. I mean, they had their one album and faded into oblivion, while Britney keeps churning out hits even when she’s mentally unstable. To be honest, this is probably worse for The Spin Doctors. The fact that they would reunite and the best gig they can get is at Promises trying to convince Britney not to kill herself. It’s sad. For Britney, GOOD DOCTORS
And finally. . . Dr. Phil Treatment: State the obvious to Britney in a slow Southern drawl so she can understand that what she’s doing is often stupid Analysis: While Dr. Phil speaks the same language as Britney, his recommendations will probably fall on deaf ears because Britney knows mishandling her kids and abusing substances are bad for her. She just likes doing them. Some quack repeating it slowly in simple language isn’t a deterrent. It’s annoying. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Laughed my ass of upon seeing this on Sunday. Neil Patrick Harris was not at all subtle while checking out Hayden Panatierhot18yearoldchick’s rack while presenting an Emmy. This either proves that even gay men appreciate a nice set of ta-tas, or that Doogie just thought that that dress went very well with those shoes…
Thank You, FOX, for not censoring this moment during the west coast feed with that weird high angle shot like you did with the “fucking,” “holy shit,” and “goddamn” moments.
So I’m sitting at my desk, enjoying a delicious York peppermint patty, reading up on current events, when I come across this piece of news - Ryan Seacrest to host Emmy Awards.
What? Look, I have nothing against Ryan Seacrest. I’m sure he’s a decent guy. But the host of the Emmy’s should be an entertainer, right? How does he entertain? He’s not funny. He doesn’t sing or dance. Granted, he looks tan and reads a teleprompter with ease (more than I can say for On The Lot host Adrianna Costa). But still. . .
Which leads me to the ultimate question: Has Ryan Seacrest finally jumped the shark? Every time I think he’s jumped the shark, it seems like he keeps booking increasingly successful and increasingly more ridiculous gigs. (Note: For those of you unfamiliar with the term, “jumping the shark” originated from Happy Days when Fonzie literally jumped over a shark in water skis. It refers to the point in time where a show, a person, or anything for that matter, peaks and never can quite return to its original form. There’s a great web site (www.jumptheshark.com) that both shows all the categories of jumping the shark and also shows when each TV show jumped the shark. Really entertaining.)
Consider the following Seacrest timeline:
1995 - Seacrest becomes the afternoon drive host at Star 98.7 in Los Angeles. Adult Contemporary. You know, the station that white people listen too. Let’s hear some Hootie and the Blowfish! He was popular, got good ratings, and stayed at this station in this time slot until January of 2004. He also starts hosting something called “Gladiators 2000” an American Gladiators for kids. He’s 21. In the next few years, he hosts some other silly unsuccessful shows, but the radio gig is his main thing.
2000 - Seacrest’s first taste of network television is hosting “NBC Saturday Night Movie” I remember being hungover and exhausted after a day of tailgating and watching ND football my Senior year, turning on the television which has stopped recording the ND on NBC game and seeing this tool talking about the movie and asking viewers to call in with their favorite character or line. It was like how TNT and USA have butchered watching movies with Dinner and a Movie or DVD on TV, except worse because it was just this tool out there asking what my favorite Sylvester Stallone movie was. Then I would go out to a house party and be surrounded by tools. I’d get so pissed off I’d start fights with them. I miss college.
2002 - Seacrest starts hosting Idol with some clown named Dunkleman. Here’s where he starts to get big. Seacrest clearly is more popular than Dunkleman, confirmed the following year when Seacrest hosts solo and then hosts American Juniors. It also helps that “metrosexuality” starts to peak and Seacrest becomes the poster boy. From here on out, we can start the discussion of when he jumps the shark.
January/February 2004 - Three major events take place almost simultaneously. Seacrest gets his own TV show, On Air With Ryan Seacrest 1/12/04. Not surprising. They give TV shows to almost anyone who is recognizable. I just saw that Steve, the security guy from Jerry Springer is getting his own syndicated show. Makes sense as a tie-in to what he does on the radio and also a way to tie-in his American Idol success by getting first dibs on the eliminated contestants.
2nd event is Seacrest replaces Casey Kasem as host of American Top 40. Casey Kasem was on his last legs and this also seems like an inevitable move, but still one that raises a few more eyebrows. American Top 40 is a prestigious national radio show and Seacrest is starting to get luckier by the day that these projects keep falling in the lap of a guy without much of a sense of humor or discernible talent besides being tan. (By the way, if you haven’t heard Casey Kasem’s blowup, treat yourself by clicking on a link to an MP3 on this web site, the producers let the tape roll and caught one of the best tirades ever.)
The 3rd event (while wikipedia lists it as February I kinda remember this happening at the same time as the TV show launch) Seacrest switches from 98.7, the station that gave him his big break, to KIIS FM (102.7 in Los Angeles, but syndicated throughout the country) replacing legendary DJ Rick Dees. This seemed like the ultimate jumping the shark moment. First off, Seacrest sells his soul by turning his back on the place that gave him his break and also his co-host of a number of years, Lisa Fox. 98.7 was so stunned that they got a co-host for Fox that sounded almost exactly like Seacrest, to the point that I thought they cloned him. He also goes to the #1 sell-out station, KIIS. And then to top it off, he replaces Rick Dees, the posterboy for jumping the shark, from Disco Duck to The Rick Dees Show. It became a parallel universe where corny prankster Dees was trumped by his ‘04 equivalent, not as funny but considerably more accessible to what the kids want. That Rick Dees held on as long as he did catering to the preteen audience when he was growing more ancient is a testament to his staying power. I never really listened to Dees because I never was up early enough to follow him, but I happened to be listening on his last show after dropping The Diesel off at the airport. It was crazy. People called in crying. You couldn’t believe he was fired, this institution. But here was Seacrest, jumping the ultimate jumper of the shark.
September 2004 - On Air With Ryan Seacrest is cancelled. It seems like Seacrest’s status as having jumped the shark is confirmed. After coining the increasingly ridiculous send-off “Seacrest out,” he gave a humorists a fitting punchline after the show’s demise. After all the special privileges and competitive advantages afforded him, Seacrest still couldn’t get ratings. But. . .
American Idol is still going strong, so inexplicably. . .
April 2005 - Seacrest gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Huh? He’s on the same street as Sean Connery, Tom Cruise, and Pee Wee Herman. He gets the radio symbol, but we basically got the middle finger. Fate has said, “Yeah this guy is famous, whether you like it or not. So stick it up your ass.” Turns out you can pay for the privilege of being immortalized with a star, so it’s only partially an honor. Have enough money and you too can be recognized.
August 2005 - Announced that Seacrest becomes executive producer and co-host of Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years Eve. First Casem, then Dees, and now Clark. Seacrest starts replacing giants one by one. But now it’s the world-beloved Dick Clark on arguably the most iconic American event of the year. Outside of the Super Bowl and maybe the Oscars, is there a televised event that has as much significance as Dick Clark on New Years Eve? Whether it gets ratings or not, everyone recognizes it. It’s what you watch if you’re not going out on New Years Eve and even if you are out at a bar or a house party there’s a good chance it’s on as everyone watches the ball drop in Times Square. Seacrest’s ascension seems to be unthwarted. Maybe he didn’t jump the shark. He’s officially enjoying the career path we all thought Carson Daly would have.
December 2005 - Clark is ill and Seacrest hosts New Years Eve solo. The deal with the devil is firmly in place as the ageless Clark cannot overcome the force that is Seacrest and finally starts to show his age. Can it get bigger for Seacrest? No, right? He’s Skeletor in the Masters of the Universe movie after the key is returned and his suit turns to gold. He’s impossible to stop. You would think this is his peak.
January 2006 - Seacrest gets a 3 yr deal to host E! News. Almost immediately after supplanting Clark, Seacrest gets another job. Fronting the hard-hitting news team at E! News, giving us the latest on Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Heidi from the Hills. It’s a logical move, but also one that really highlights his rise to power. Sadly, many people care more about their celebutantes than they do the war in Iraq or socioeconomic ills. So he is delivering the news that today’s youth care about, the Walter Kronkite for the iPod generation. He also has so many jobs he reminds me of the Jamaican family on In Living Color (we work 25 hours a day, mon!)
June 2007 - Seacrest makes cameo in Knocked Up. And it’s a hilarious cameo at that with a great Jessica Simpson joke on top of a self-referential joke. I have to confess that this guy kinda won me over with this. Is this his peak? Parody, as Mel Brooks demonstrated in Blazing Saddles among other films, signals the end of a genre’s true significance, and by doing a self-parody maybe he has foretold his demise. Doubt it. He’s really good at this, and probably bought himself some a few more ticks of the clock on his 15 minutes. But then you hear. . .
August 2007 - Seacrest will host the 2007 Emmy Awards. OK, this is getting ridiculous. This has to be the jumping the shark moment. The Emmys host has to be funny and entertaining, even moreso because there are so many awards and it’s the same winners every year, and he’s neither. It can be nothing but an abject failure, right? And this will surely be the end of King Seacrest, right?
That’s what I’ve thought in the past and he proves me wrong time and time again.
Can anyone tell me why this is a national story? The kid was picked 22nd in the draft and is the lowest first round draft pick that is unsigned. Now I understand, Darrelle Revis is a Cornerback, and that position is much less difficult (and lower profile) to learn and therefore, Revis missing camp is not as big a deal, but what about the NUMBER ONE pick Jamarcus Russell? Has the fact that he’s still holding out escaped everyone’s minds? Even Greeny on Mike & Mike in the morning commented to the effect of, “usually the big story would be the number one pick in the draft not signing, but not in this case.” Why? What is it about Brady Quinn that makes him “a pretty big deal?” Does he have many leather-bound books? Does his new home smell of rich mahogany? I don’t know, but any headline that degrades Cleveland is a winner apparently.
The fact that Rory even made a comment like, “He’s looks as beatable as ever” shows just how great Tiger Woods is. That comment is derogatory? It’s not like he said, “Tiger is terrible. He’s lost it.” This is simply saying that Tiger is slumping and it MIGHT give someone else a chance. This whole situation is a matter of media spinning some off the cuff comment in order to try and create a story where there is none. Tiger self-motivates as well as, if not better than, any other athlete in the world, that’s why he’s a great as he is. Come on now, saying he’s as beatable as ever when he’s been dominant all along? That’s like saying Roger Clemens stuff isn’t as sharp as it was 5 years ago in his first outing back this year. No kidding! It’s called rust, and as we’ve seen, it can be washed off.
This article shows everything that is wrong in the world of college athletics. These kids are Student-Athletes. Student comes first. So when Spurrier signed two kids who had bad grades last winter to athletic scholarships, maybe the first thing he should have said to them was, “Get your damn grades up.” He didn’t, apparently, and they didn’t, obviously, and now they are stuck scrambling for somewhere else to play (and maybe attend class). Spurrier has no one to blame for the rejection of the two recruits but the two recruits. I applaud South Carolina for not giving potential football players preferential treatment. The second that school lowers their standards is the second the institution slips. Remember, Coach, without the institution, you have no team to coach anyway. Tell your kids to get their grades up and this won’t be a problem. Come on, it’s not like high school is brain surgery. Do your homework and worst case scenario you end up with low C’s. Tip of the Cap to the Admissions Department at the University of South Carolina; Wag of the Finger to Steve Spurrier.
MISCELLANEOUS:
Barry Bonds tied Hank Aaron with his 755th home run in San Diego the other night, and from the looks of it, was about half an inch from breaking that record in his very next at bat. No, not half an inch in ball travel, half an inch in bat on ball. He took a hellacious cut at a fast ball over the middle and just got under it enough that he fouled it back. The boo birds were out as Barry stepped to the plate for each appearance, then gave him a standing ovation (and deservedly so. Praise now, chastise later) after 755 and boo’d there own pitcher after each walk. Double Standard? Hmm.
A-Rod hits 500 and it’s just about as big a deal as the other “500″ was this year (Frank Thomas), which is to say, it wasn’t. Now no offense to the Big Hurt, but this 500 is significant because it’s probably the precursor to 757 (or whatever that number will be when Bonds retires), and for that, we will praise A-Rod. Unless Jose Canseco intervenes, and he says he will. Sore loser.
Tom Glavine gets win number 300 and it couldn’t have happened to a better guy. This was the best moment of the weekend and I’m sorry I fell asleep before the game ended. Congrats to the third best pitcher for the Atlanta Braves during their 1990’s domination (Maddux, Smoltz), you deserve it.
I won’t spoil this for you, but let me just say, unequivocally and loudly, “Not Surprised!”
Congratulations also to John Clayton for being enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. It’s a testament to all of his hard work over the years. Now, if we can just get him some Rogaine…
Guys, as a rule, like to watch certain things on the television. Basically, if you can gross us out, make us laugh or get us on the edge of our seat (one way or another, are you listening Jessica Alba?), then we’ll accept and embrace what we’re seeing. There are exceptions to this rule. They are the following: Baseball (the real sweet science), Jeopardy (especially Teen Week so we can pretend we’re smart, plus the obvious, Nerdy Chicks) and anything with a character modeled after, or played by, Wayne Brady.
That is all. That’s it. No more.
These three exceptions, though, do not take into account what happens when a girl enters the picture. With a girl comes reality TV, “E! True Entertainment Access Hollywood Story Tonight,” the View, Dr. Phil and, if you’re REALLY lucky, LC from Laguna Beach.
There are definite exceptions made to the remote control rule when you have a girlfriend, boys, and this will be the first in a series of posts about some of the places your television channel switching may stop if you are blessed with a significant other.
Every Tuesday night last summer and every Wednesday night so far this Summer, my television has been stuck on FX from 10:00 to 11:00 PM (EDT). I’ve been observing the tale of a middle aged fireman named Tommy Gavin, portrayed by Denis Leary, whose dysfunctional family causes him more grief than Cleveland Cavaliers fans after the selection of Luke Jackson in the first round a few years back. Let me just catch you up to speed real quick:
Tommy lives with his ex-wife Janet and 10ish month old baby boy who has no name and his pre-pubescent daughter Katy. His 18 year old daughter Colleen has recently moved out of the house, choosing instead to live in a studio apartment with her destitute rocker boyfriend. His other small child was killed off by a drunk driver at the end of Season 1 (or 2, I don’t know). He has recently been involved in a massive house fire accidentally started by his ex-girlfriend (Sheila, who happened to the be widow of his cousin) and is fresh off a relationship with his slain brother’s ex-wife Angie who he was dating out of spite because his brother was at the time living with his ex-wife Janet (who Tommy now lives with) but in reality Tommy was sneaking around having an affair with Janet that neither Johnnie (the brother) nor Angie knew about. Oh, and did I mention that the nameless baby boy from earlier in this paragraph may or may not really be Johnnie’s kid or that Sheila has offered a half million dollars (that she got when her husband was killed in 9/11) to Tommy for custody of the (one way or another) bastard child?
Did you catch all that?
Welcome to one of the thousands of storylines going on in the FX Original Series “Rescue Me.” This is only part of Tommy’s life and doesn’t scratch the surface of his problems (that include alcoholism, anger issues and lately, ED), let alone the problems of all the other characters. Let me try to sum up in list form:
In The Firehouse:
1 - Lt. Kenneth Shea or “Lou” - Recently broke up with a nymphomaniacal ex-Nun because he wants more than just a physical relationship.
2 - Franco - Engaged to a hot mid 20’s chick (Natalie) who’s brother (Richie) has a rare form of Tourette’s that makes him exclaim the “N” word randomly for no apparent reason AND Franco has a daughter (Keela) who was basically kidnapped by 61 year old Susan Sarandon after her relationship with Franco ended (yeah Franco is 30ish and they dated, ewww) but Franco’s cool with it because she takes better care of Keela anyway, but now they want to be back in Franco’s life.
3 - Garrity - Married to Tommy’s alcoholic sister, Maggie, but getting a divorce because she watches porn too much and so he’s forced to stay with Mike and in the process burns down Mike’s Mom’s house. Also is being forced out of his first name (Sean) by the new Probationary Fireman because the new guy, who’s actual name is Bart, wants to be called Sean. And Bart/Sean/Probie is a great basketball player so they are appeasing him for the sake of the Station Basketball team.
4 - Mike - The newest full timer. A bi-curious guy who just was asked by his Mom to kill her, but she died of natural causes the night he was planning on doing it. He never changed anything about her house because it was how he remembered her until Garrity burned it down.
5 - The Chief - Just got the job as Chief of this house, because the longtime Chief had a heart attack, failed his physical to get the job back, got a desk job and decided to kill himself rather than accept the desk job.
I’d go into the “outside the firehouse” characters, but this is too long as it is.
Welcome to the show. There are way too many angles to follow. It literally took me all of Season 3 to get “caught up.” Then at the beginning of Season 4, I was lost again, because old characters came up. Good Lord. The show is more confusing and harder to figure out than a Rubix Cube to a color blind guy.
So how do I feel about Rescue Me? Well, it, as in any program, has its ups and downs. Denis Leary is great in his character at times, but awful at others. Up until the most recent episode, he couldn’t handle the emotional low points, but, in typical Leary fashion, knocked out the comedy. We may have had a turning point with the lead character and for the first time I see the potential the show has to offer, when you finally get everything sorted out.
I have one main qualm with the show, and it is incredibly gigantic. The show employs the “Pay it Forward” technique of creating tragic situations for young kids (you thought I meant casting Bon Jovi didn’t you? Shame on you). You had Tommy’s son killed by a drunk driver (100% against this), you constantly have babies killed off in fires (yes it happens, no not with the frequency Rescue Me would have you believe), you have the nameless baby saga, and I won’t even bring up the latest wrinkle in that plot. If you need a powerful cliff hanging end to your show, create it through great writing, not contrite and ill fated story ideas. If we want to see kids being killed by their parents’ stupidity or drunk drivers, we’ll turn on the news.
After watching the four minute intro to this week’s episode, I had extremely high hopes that the writers had learned to balance drama and prose into an effective emotional weave. I didn’t even have a problem with the death of some kids. Usually the firefighting scenes are so over the top unbelievable (an entire side wall of a building gives out causing our heroes to plunge 5 stories down and out the building and none are injured) or extremely dull that they add very little, if anything, to the show. This was never more evident a problem than last week, where they completed omitted an “on the job” scene.
However, this opening sequence was believable, moving and really showed that even though firemen risk their lives at times, their heroic efforts can go for naught, even if they don’t realize it at the time. It really lent credibility to the writers. The guys ran into the burning building, not knowing if people were alive or dead, but trying to save them anyway, even if their own health was at risk. This was shown through the eyes of the new Probie, who visibly second guessed his decision to enter this career.
All the guys were shaken by this event, but came through it together and grew because of it. These are all truths shown throughout the show. If the show can consistently capture this magic, it has a very good chance to turn into an outstanding “edge of your seat” show. I’ll even recommend to a few guys.
If and when though, folks, if and when.
If Rescue Me can be consistent, I’ll be the first to praise its growth. For now, it’s stuck on the list of “The TV Only Stops Here for Her.” It’s getting better.
Feel free to comment with questions about the storylines, I know they’re a bit confusing.
Great post today by AJ. Consider it my muse for the following, musings. Too much muse, sorry. Sorry, Rick Reilly, I’m stealing your column idea. Apologies also to Oleander for stealing their line.
We’re here to donate to a cause we believe in, even if it means buying a burrito that has the proceeds donated to the Urban Learning Garden; and even if it DOESN’T mean donating to a Church. Your beliefs are your own, and you are entitled. Just don’t express them around me because I might not agree with you, and if not, you are wrong!
We’re here to bitch at the referees, throw a pillow at the television, call our “favorite” players and coaches the most grotesque names in the book, then ask them for an autograph when we see them at a restaurant. AFTER they finish eating.
We’re here to hate our job, but know that, God willing, it is leading us to something better.
We’re here to be entertained, to think and to be moved to tears. Jimmy V says you should laugh, think and cry everyday, and I think he knew what he was talking about. By the way, we are here to NEVER give up. I will fight, today I win.
We are here to judge you. It’s human nature. Wedge, Brown, Crennel, Vick, Pacman, Donaghy, Stern, Goodell, Selig, Bonds, Lohan, Spears, Hilton we are judging you right now. Get over it. The first thing we do when we talk to someone on the phone, see them in person or otherwise communicate with them is size them up. We just usually don’t publicize our judgment. Well guess what? You put yourself into the public domain, we put our judgment into the public domain. You don’t have to preside over a court to have that right.
We are here to laugh at George Bush when he says, “Too many OB/GYN’s aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country” and then freak out when we realize he doesn’t get what he just said. Oh, and he’s our president.
We are here to play Coed sports, to win a Rec basketball league and feel good about ourselves, to mock people that blatantly ask for it, to agree with Carlos Mencia, to go see a “little kids” movie on opening night and then sneak into something else after for a double feature. We’re here to spoil the people we care about. We’re here to drink enough once that we never want to drink again. We’re here to make a kid feel good about himself, and we’re here to grin uncontrollably when a baby smiles at us.
We’re here to ridicule people who write about babies.
We’re here to associate ourselves with a character from Winnie the Pooh, or a Disney Princess or decide who gets to be Vince amongst our group of friends. We’re here to act like we’re one of the gang when we talk about last week’s episode. We’re here for “Let’s hug it out!” and “What is the deal with lamp shades?” and a Bill Cosby lecture that’s five minutes too long, but absolutely perfect. We’re here to get excited when superduperstars make cameos. “Is that something you might be interested in?”
We’re here to say please and thank you. We’re here to laugh at farts. We’re here to embellish our stories so that no one believes them, but heck, it makes us feel good. We’re here to give a speech that we are completely unprepared for, knock it out of the park and then treat ourselves to a nice lunch after.
We are here to start a slow clap, to give a big pump up speech, to pick up our opponent when we knock them to the ground and to tip our cap when they deserve it. We’re here to fall flat on our face. We’re here to sleep in the bed we’ve made.
We’re here to fall off the horse. We are here to get back on.
We’re here to post endless blogs and not give a damn what anyone else thinks.
Few songs have captured the true human spirit more than Eddie Murphy’s “Party All the Time.” Collaborating with legendary wordsmith Rick James, Murphy created a timeless classic, one rich in literary wonder and enlightenment. I will now conduct a lyrical analysis to “Party All the Time” in the hopes to uncover the genius behind the words.
Girl I can’t understand it, why you want to hurt me
After all of the things i’ve done for you
Murphy and James aggressively begin the song in the first person, challenging the girl who likes to party all the time. By using “it” plus the qualifier, Murphy and James indicate the girl probably knows her fault, the “it”, and the qualifier becomes significant for our hero, Murphy. He is verbalizing his frustration more for his own benefit, which is carried through the song. Murphy introduces the notion that if you provide for the girl she should be appreciative if she really cared about you.
I buy you champagne, roses and put diamonds on your fingers
But still you hang out all night, what am I to do
OK, so Murphy has not only bought her expensive champagne and roses, but he is already at the stage of putting diamonds on her fingers. This relationship is serious and this girl is not treating the relationship with the respect it deserves by hanging out all night. Murphy has asked a rather introspective question, wondering what he should do in said situation. Should he buy this girl even more champagne and diamonds? Should he end the relationship? At this stage, he simply will confront his girl in song.
My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time, party all the time
Murphy and James use triplicate structure to emphasize that this girl likes to party all the time. Now, instead of talking to the girl, they talk to us, the casual observer. They explain the difficult situation our hero is in, being in this relationship where one man buys this girl champagne and roses, but she never enjoys it because she is always out partying.
My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time, she parties all the time
Murphy and James re-emphasize this girl’s partying nature through almost the identical triplicate structure, but really kicks it in by adding the pronoun “she” on the last phrase. This girl really parties all the time, and it drives our heartsick hero mad.
Whoooohooohoohoo (party all the time)
She likes to party all the time (party all the time)
Whoooohooohoohoo (party all the time)
She likes to party all the time (party all the time)
Murphy wails like a dog, crying for his master. Unfortunately, the dog’s master is a girl who likes to party all the time so she cannot attend to his needs. And then, in the parenthetical, James chips in. This is like bringing in the expert witness at trial. Rick James frequents a lot of parties, and can corroborate that this girl parties all the time. Thus, it’s not just one man’s potentially jaded perception of his relationship. We have a second opinion that confirms how this girl parties all the time. The repetition from two sources really drives home the point and helps us to feel the angst of our protagonist.
Girl I seen you at clubs, just hangin out and dancing
You give your number to every man you see
The narrative takes a significant twist in this couplet. Murphy and James return to addressing the girl and we now see that Murphy has followed his girl to the clubs. Maybe he asked one day, “What have you been doing?” And the girl says, “I was just partying.” Murphy replies, “You were partying all the time?” And she retorts, “Yes, I like to party all the time.” Murphy grows suspicious that the partying may be something more nefarious and follows her to the point that he sees her in the clubs. At first it seems innocent. She’s just hangin’ out and dancing. But the dancing leads to her giving her numbers out to strange men. Have they provided her with champagne and diamonds like our hero has? Surely not all of them. Why is she providing her number to every man she sees? She’s not very selective. Not only does she like to party all the time, she likes to flirt with a plethora of men, confirming the fears of our protagonist.
You never come home at night because your out romancin
I wish you’d bring some of your love home to me
This relationship just got a little crazier. This girl never comes home at night because she is out romancin’. She must just go home with a different guy every night. Is Murphy her daytime boyfriend? Or is he just one of the guys she went home with one time and he pines for her as if she is his girl? I suspect by the fact that he has bought her diamonds for her fingers that their relationship is significant - or at least it was - and her partying ways have escalated, now to the point that Murphy cannot take it anymore. But even though she’s out romancin’ every guy she meets, he really wants the relationship to last. It says a lot about Murphy’s desperation, but even more about this girl. She charms men like the Medusa, unable to let her go even when she parties all the time.
But My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time, party all the time
Murphy and James return to triplicate structure to emphasize her partying, but now we know the partying may now mean partying sexually with every man she meets. By starting with “But,” Murphy and James are reasoning the notion introduced in the last line, that Murphy wants her to bring her love home. He is a conflicted lover, wanting to recapture the love they had when he provided her champagne and roses, but also struggling with her constant partying. The “But” seems to be Murphy’s inner voice, saying that he needs to let go of those irrational emotions and think logically. How can you be in a relationship with someone who parties all the time?
My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time
She still parties all the time. Sh’s never going to stop. Now we have a duplicate structure, maybe because Murphy and James are fed up with her shenanigans.
My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time, party all the time
My girl wants to party all the time
party all the time (hold) yeah
Murphy and James show that this girl really wants to party all the time. Murphy even holds the word time for what seemed to be an infinite length, suggesting that time literally has stood still because of her excessive partying.
party party party party party
The repetition of the word party emphasizes what this girl likes to do. Does she like to knit all the time? No, she likes to party all the time.
whoooooo
whoooohoohooo
Again more wailing like the lovesick puppy. This girl has truly broken Murphy’s spirit to a point beyond words.
she likes to party all the time
she lets her hair down
she likes to party down
James comes in for this last stanza, probably because Murphy has been too broken down by his girl’s partying ways. And James also adds in the nugget that she lets her hair down. Maybe this is part of her dual persona. To Murphy, she is prim and proper with her hair up, but when she parties her hair is down. She is a different person, clearly not the person Murphy fell in love with when he bought her champagne, roses and diamonds.
Unfortunately, Rick James is no longer with us and Murphy has not recorded a significant record since, but we will always have their epic story of unrequited love, unrequited because of a girl who couldn’t stop partying all the time.
Today’s post is actually a repost from something I put on Loosely Based Sports in October when news of Dustin Diamond’s sex tape first hit the E! News crawl. I find this repost both relevant, considering Dustin Diamond’s awesomely bad performance on VH1’s “Celebrity Fit Club: Men vs. Women,” and useful, considering I started a new job this week.
But before that, I made two omissions to “Balls, Nuts and Testicles: A Guide to Proper Usage” The first is STONES i.e. “He’s going to jump that waterfall with his tricycle. That takes stones.” Stones should used when someone does a feat or performs an act that is both (a) in such a profound manner that people should erect a statue, possibly from stone, and (b) non-sexual in nature. Extraordinary heroism, courage, or guts deserves the use of stones. You don’t impregnate someone with stones, but you create legend, and that’s pretty damn admirable.
The second omission is COJONES (pronounced kuh-HO-naiz) i.e. He’s got some cojones, walking through burning hot coals like that. Cojones has almost identical usage traits as Huevos except (a) you should not modify cojones with an adjective like gigante and (b) it can be used in a sexual manner if you have a natural Latin accent. For example, if you are Enrique Iglesias, first off, congratulations, you got a good thing going and thanks for reading the blog. If you are Enrique, you can sweet talk a woman and slip in cojones without losing a beat. “I have enjoyed this date very much. The enchiladas were delicious. Now, I long to kiss you like you’ve never been kissed before and nuzzle your breasts. With my cojones.” Especially effective if it’s the only Spanish word in the sentence and delivered in a whisper. With the natural Latin accent, you can get away with using cojones and still come off as charming. Try reading that with a New York or South Side Chicago accent. It doesn’t work as well.
Thanks, readers, for those suggestions. And now here are my thoughts on Screech:
I just read a story that Dustin Diamond aka Screech has just released a sex tape featuring him and two women. Which got me thinking. Out of all the Saved By the Bell cast members, where does Screech rank in terms sex-tape watchability? Here is my order starting with the character whose sex tape I would most like to see:
1. Kelly Kapowski - the hottest chick on the show, very dirty, also very ambitious. I would think she would take charge in the bedroom. Maybe do a cheer. I could see her playing up to the camera as well because of her outgoing personality
2. Lisa Turtle - underrated hotness, except in Screech’s eyes. Great fashion sense, will probably have on really hot lingerie. The sweetest of the girls, almost like the girl-next-door, which is always a winner in amateur porn.
3. Zack Morris - the girl he’d be doing would be pretty hot, but the key highlight is Zack’s ability to freeze time. Mid-pump, he can give us a run-down on who this girl is and why she’s a one-night stand. Maybe fix himself a sandwich
4. Violet - you know Violet’s a freak. Behind the glasses and the pigtails, that girl is nasty! Shit will get broken. You will see positions you’ve never seen before (shocker, Cleveland Steamer, Hot Carl, etc.) Definitely under the radar, but there’s no way it can disappoint
5. Stacey Corosi - Take charge tough girl will be animal in bed. Plus, you’re at the beachhouse so the view might be nice. My only concern is will she do all the nasty stuff or does she think she’s better than that. With the right director, I think she would do it.
6. Slater - Good moves learned from wrestling team / ballet practice. Major concern is him trying to find a mirror so he can look at himself. Takes time away from the coitus. Will probably score a hot chick because of his status on the athletic fields (always big in high school)
7. Tori - Kind of like Stacey Corosi, but without the beachhouse. Somewhat dull, but definitely hot. Wrong side of the tracks girl might put in a little extra effort to get some attention.
8. Jesse Spano - I saw it already. It’s called Showgirls. It’s not very good. Too much of a headcase. Might start popping speed during the middle of the tape. Still very hot and better than any of the people left on the list.
9. Max - Mainly for the magic. I could see him taking the condom in his hand and turning it into a dove. Or he’s eating her out and he pulls a rabbit out of her pussy.
10. Any of the nerds (sans Screech) - based off the Revenge of the Nerds Theory, the nerds are probably great in bed and attract hot girls. I don’t know if that movie was a true document, but it’s worth a shot to find out.
11. Belding - Not a lot of promise here, but he should make a few good puns. I’m not excited to see him or Mrs. Belding naked. Maybe “putting her in detention” will be interesting, but mainly just wishful thinking on my part.
12. Miss Bliss - attractive in her old age, but will be pretty boring in bed. I’m assuming just missionary. A little too proper. It’s like watching Lady Chatterly’s Lover on Showtime when you’re really in the mood for Insatiable Desires
13. Mr. Corosi - awful, just awful. The folds of fat make this tape a ghastly sight. The only bright spot might be his weight and propensity to be out of breath might lead to the woman riding him, maybe even in a reverse cowgirl - always good for camera purposes. Though the woman Mr. Corosi gets is probably fat too so it could be worse. I’m getting nautious just thinking about it. But Mr. Corosi is still more watchable than. . .
14. Screech - Zoinks! Not only is Screech a huge dork and probably a terrible lover, he would probably have to pull the worst girls. Dirty, ugly girls who would be willing to have sex with Screech. And videotape it. These girls have to be the lowest of the low. There are hookers in Chernobyl that probably would turn Screech down. There is no way this tape can be appealing. They may create a standards of decency board for internet pornography with the sole purpose of stopping this video. I feel very strongly about this. Yet, I would still watch it.
My apologies to those loyal readers of both Loosely Based Sports and Ironic T-Shirt - all ten of you - for the redundancy.
Write to you tomorrow!
