Why is every movie on an airline a chick flick? This weekend on an American flight from Chicago to Los Angeles I sat through this alarmingly awful movie called “Definitely, Maybe.” I didn’t listen to the audio but I gather that the plot involves Ryan Reynolds being a massive tool.
Remember the good old days when they used to show pornography on the plane? The airline would serve its three course dinner centered around Beef Bourguignon and in between the first and second course they would start the feature. Occasionally you’d get a stinker like “Whorish Seduction” but more often than not you’d get treated to classics like “Asian Gangbang Sluts 5” or “Penetration Station” (you know, the one with trains). You’d be enjoying your delicious meal with plenty of legroom while the adult film starlet du jour gets probed anally by your classic hairy overweight male porn star. The time passed with ease and you got to your destination with a smile.
Nowadays, the flight attendants won’t even give you a handjob if you asked them, I think that’s plain wrong. You pay large fees, $15 to check a bag, $4 for a cookie, I think the least the service can do is to let you ejaculate all over their precious seats. Knowing them, they’d probably charge you a cleanup fee. This isn’t like the good old days.
The bigger problem is if the airline will stop showing men pounding on women doggiestyle and stop blowing their customers then I fear this reduction in service quality will trickle down to other aspects of society. Pretty soon, it will be illegal to urinate in the corner of a Denny’s or to eat bald eagle heads while skinny dipping at the Holiday Inn. The freedom to do such things is what makes America great.
The easy party to blame for all this would be American Airlines. And sure it’s easy to blame the Moral Majority for treating us like children who shouldn’t eat steak with our graphic sexual content. But, I think the problem runs deeper. No the real culprit is corporate bigwigishness and its culture of greed. Because of them, pornography as in-flight entertainment is seen as an extra as opposed to a necessity. Because of them, airlines realize if they cut back on such amenities they can save a few pennies, leading to the reduction in the number of circus clowns on planes and the almost total eradication of mud wrestling on cross-country ventures. Because of them, buying drugs from the flight attendants is almost non-existent nowadays. It almost isn’t worth it to get on a plane anymore.
But I can’t dwell on the past and reminisce about the good old days. Gas is nearly $8 a gallon and it’s not even legal to steal it anymore. It’s a different time, a different economy. But no matter what the airlines take away from me, I’ll always have the time that I saw three girls bring out a three-headed dildo on a red-eye to Rochester. Yeah, those were the good old days.
Oh boy, I did lots today. Today was so super. Here is a list of the top eight things I did today:
1. I saw a trailer for Speed Racer today. It was a really cool trailer. I think I want to make a list of the Top 12 trailers of movies based on old cartoons. This would be different from the list I proposed of the top 12 movies based on old cartoons because it would just be about the trailers
2. I had an awesome breakfast. The top five things in my breakfast today, in no particular order, were scrambled eggs, whole wheat toast, crispy bacon, Valencia orange juice, and strawberry jam. I don’t know if it ranks in my top 15 breakfasts of all time, but it certainly ranks in my top nine homemade breakfasts of all time
3. I got in a heated debate about American Idol today with one of my coworkers. She said that David Archuleta was the greatest Idol contestant whose last name ended in a vowel and I said he wouldn’t even crack the top four, what with Fantasia Barrino, Justin Guarini, Bo Bice, and Kimberly Locke. She said nuh-uh, Locke doesn’t end with a vowel and I said yeah-huh. And she was totally better. Remember that song “8th World Wonder.” That has numbers and words. I like numbers and words. It’s almost like a list but not quite
4. I thought of several lists today. The top three lists I thought of were Top 25 Movies featuring veterinarians, Top 15 actors who appeared in Burger King commercials (Elisabeth Shue, I’m thinking you’re up there!), and Top 50 uses of synthesizers in 80s songs. Those are awesome lists.
5. I got home early so I was able to catch up on the TiVo for my favorite show: E’s “The Daily 10.” That show is so cool. It puts entertainment news in list form, which makes it more important to me. They should really do the news news, like the Darfur stuff, you know, in list form. It would make it so much easier to follow.
6. I did a list with Roman numerals instead of numbers, and that was kind of neat. Numbers are better for lists, but Roman numerals are good for a change of pace or if you meet a Roman and you want to speak his language. Letters are OK too, but you’re going have so many letters in the actual list, you should just use numbers. I think it goes, in order, numbers, Roman numerals, letters, and then wingdings. Wingdings are the worst because they’re weird.
7. Someone posted a comment that it was so much better years ago when Entertainment Weekly put out an important list once or twice a year, but I totally nailed that guy. I gave him 20 reasons why daily lists are better than biannual lists and I ordered them from least awesome to most awesome which is the best way to structure a list. It was definitely in the top 75 responses to a reader complaint about our lists of all time. So eat that, hotpants17!
8. I bought an orangutan.
So that was my day. Out of all the days in the week it was definitely in the top 7 Write to you tomorrow!
So this year’s edition of Rock of Love, Rock of Love 2 with Brett Michaels, ended on Sunday with Ambre taking the crown as Brett’s “rock of love.” Amidst a sea of skanks, media-whores, and women of ill repute, Ambre displayed class, poise, and the perfect dose of sexiness to woo the lead singer of Poison. Her performance was undeniably a thing of beauty. One may even call it Jordanesque. In fact, Ambre’s rise to “rock of love” status has a distinct correlation to the career of Michael Jordan. As Michael Jordan established himself as the most prolific basketball player of his generation, Ambre established herself as the greatest female suitor in the Rock of Love house.
Episode 1: When the women whore themselves out to Brett on their first day seeing him, Ambre stays back and chooses to stay above the fray. She almost gets cut from the show, but, stunningly, Jackye quits on her own and Ambre is given another chance.
Connection to MJ: Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, thus establishing his legend of overcoming an early obstacle
Episode 2: Ambre takes advantage of her second chance by being amongst the top three in the Peep Show, where the contestants had to demonstrate a talent for Brett. Ambre’s talent was “giving presents” so she wrapped herself up in a bow and unwrapped herself for Brett. This showed Brett that she was interested in him, that she was sexy, and that she was creative.
Connection to MJ: Jordan truly burst onto the scene early on when he hit the game winning shot in the NCAA Championship game as a Freshman against Georgetown. While Jordan was surrounded by stars much more highly touted than he (as was Ambre), Jordan established himself as a clutch performer.
Episode 3: Ambre fights hard but ultimately loses in the Roller Derby where they have to protect baby Brett. She stays above the fray when other girls try to interrupt Kristy Joe’s solo date
Connection to MJ: Probably the hardest direct correlation of the lot, but let’s compare this to Jordan falling to third in the 1984 NBA Draft. He wasn’t bitter or frustrated, but it put a chip on MJ’s shoulder so he could go out and prove he was the best.
Episode 4: Ambre continues to shine as her team wins the “motorcycle repair” challenge and Ambre gets to do a 50s style photo shoot. Ambre’s classic and classy beauty is perfect for the shoot. But the other bitches on her team, like Megan, contnue to rag and hate on her.
Connection to MJ: Jordan’s rookie year was nothing less of sensational. Jordan’s athleticism and ability to score coupled with a photo on the cover of Sports Illustrated with the title “A Star is Born” turns Jordan into the next superstar. He gets selected to the All-Star game but bitches on his team, like Isaiah Thomas, hate on him and try to freeze him out.
Episode 5: In the second annual Mud Bowl, Ambre clearly leads her team in an unlikely and epic athletic performance. Ambre squares off against Daisy (it really was between these two the whole time, wasn’t it?) with mud and blood flying. She gets injured but battles through. The game goes into overtime, but in the end Ambre loses.
Connection to MJ: Coming off an injury-plagued season, Jordan faces off against Larry Bird and the Boston Celtics in the Boston Garden for a memorable playoff game. Jordan puts in a record 63 points in an epic athletic performance. The game goes into overtime, but in the end Jordan loses.
Episode 6: After battling through her injuries, Ambre shines in the cowgirl competition, riding against a professional rider in Katherine, and her team wins. Jessica gets the MVP and the solo date. On the group date, while Ambre talks and connects with Brett emotionally, Kristy Joe steals the spotlight by making out hard with Brett in the “dinner in the dark.” But Ambre was winning Brett over as the most complete player in the game.
Connection to MJ: Jordan comes back the following season from his injury and puts up the most prolific numbers of his career, 37.1 ppg, over 200 steals and 100 blocks (first time in NBA history, 86% from the line and 48% from the field, but Magic Johnson won the MVP and the NBA title. Others would win titles and MVPs, but Jordan established himself as the most complete player in the game.
Episode 7: Ambre partners with Kristy Joe for a performance for war veterans. They lose, but Ambre comes through with one of her most clutch performances in the series. When Brett asks everyone at dinner which girls are there for the wrong reasons, all the girls hesitate to rock the boat with honesty, except for Ambre who takes a big shot at Kristy Joe. Ambre’s honesty was exactly what Brett wanted and she got the first VIP pass. She had frontrunner status from then on.
Connection to MJ: MJ took his own shot – known to the basketball world and especially to Cleveland fans as “The Shot”, hitting a straight-on jumper over Craig Ehlo at the buzzer of Game 5 in a first round series, propelling the Bulls to the next round of the playoffs. That game-winner established Jordan as the top clutch shooter in basketball and the most feared player with the ball in his hands.
Episode 8: In an episode where the girls have to make a music video, Ambre steps up and directs, and considering her limited resources did a very good job. Megan derisively says, “What does she think she is, Martin Scorsese?” but Ambre’s effort compared to the orgy masturbation video turned in by Daisy’s crew wins her a solo date with Brett where they connect on a spiritual level. Ambre is distancing herself from the competition, a passing of the torch of sorts from former frontrunner Daisy.
Connection to MJ: Jordan wins his first championship, adding leadership to his immense talents and pushing the Bulls past pre-AIDS Magic Johnson and the LA Lakers for the title. It was a passing of the torch from Magic to Michael, and MJ would never look back.
Episode 9: Ex-boyfriends infilrate the house and Ambre is expecting her ex-fiancee to dish dirt on her. To Ambre’s surprise, her best friend has come instead. While Brett gets dirt from ex-boyfriends, Ambre gets nothing but praise from her friend. In the same episode, a bombshell is dropped that Daisy still lives with her ex in a one-bedroom apartment. This will ultimately crush any chance Daisy has of winning Brett’s trust.
Connection to MJ: This is like when Jordan hit six three pointers in the first half of a Finals game in 1992, with 3 pointers not really the most noted part of his game, and threw his arms up to the announcers on the sideline. He didn’t know he had it in him and it seemed like Jordan was leading a charmed life. And Magic’s AIDS equals Daisy’s ex situation. She could never recover.
Episode 10: The girls go to Vegas and Ambre seemingly fades away, letting Daisy’s ex-relationship and Jessica’s drunkenness take the spotlight. Being out of the spotlight only seems to highlight her sanity and makes her stronger as a counterpoint to the other girls.
Connection to MJ: Jordan went away to play baseball. His absence from the game only seemed to highlight his importance to the game. Also, Michael Jordan did a little movie called “Space Jam” where he shined against several cartoonish characters in a ridiculous contest. That’s quite a parallel, isn’t it? (By the way, the Space Jam lineup of the greatest players in the game: Muggsy Bogues, Larry Johnson, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, and Shawn Bradley? First of all, the best players in the game? Really? And who’s the shooting guard? Grand-ma-ma? A quick team with good guard play destroys them. I could never take this film seriously.)
Episode 11: Ambre faces her toughest obstacle. Ambre’s dad reveals to Brett that she is 37. Problem is, she told Brett she was 32. Honesty, or lack thereof, thwarted girls’ chances in the past. But what does Ambre do? She tells Brett she loves him. She rises above. And then in the elimination, she lets Daisy take the hero role in outing Destiney’s lack of love for Brett.
Connection to MJ: Jordan overcomes the flu in game 5 of the 1997 Finals in one of the greatest single performances in NBA history, rising above adversity to will his team to victory. And then in the decisive game 6, Jordan passed up the game-winning shot to Steve Kerr.
Episode 12: In a head-to-head duel with Daisy, Ambre is called out as not being sexy. Ambre responds by delivering the death blow. She seduces Brett, gives him an erotic massage, declares at dinner that she wasn’t wearing underwear, and then shows the goods Basic Instinct style. What does Daisy do under pressure? She vomits on a boat. Not only is Ambre saner, she becomes sexier and willing to deliver under pressure. It was the performance that truly sealed Ambre’s legacy.
Connection to MJ: In a crucial back and forth deciding Game 6 of the 1998 Finals, Michael Jordan takes over the end of the game, which many suspect may be his last, stealing the ball and putting on an offensive exhibition in the last minute, culminating with a game-winning shot over Bryon Russell. It was the shot that could forever define his legacy.
Now it wasn’t truly the end of Michael Jordan’s career and the tour won’t end for Ambre either. Jordan sputtered as an owner and had a comeback in a Wizards jersey that many of us would like to forget. All I’m saying is, it might be really creepy if Ambre breaks up with Brett, later goes on to own a less successful band like, say, Winger, and then in a desperate attempt to revitalize the band starts dating Kip Winger. That amount of parallel would be frightening.
I wrote a video for Phillip Wilburn, a very good impressionist at Big News who gets a good amount of hits on funnyordie. It’s the first installment of “Straight Talk With John McCain” Check it out
Dr. Phil has been criticized for his involvement in trying to help Britney Spears. Maybe Dr. Phil is an opportunist or maybe he truly cares, but the better question is “Would he help?” Would he be a good doctor for Ms. Spears to visit? So I’ve decided to compile a list of noted doctors. We’ll take a look at how they would treat Britney Spears and whether they would be a Good Doctor or a Bad Doctor.
Dr. Drew Pinsky Treatment: Bring her into Celebrity Rehab where she can detox and discuss her problems with the guy from Taxi and a couple porn stars. Analysis: The self-described addictionologist can help wean Britney off her drink of choice – Red Bull, Vodka, and Cherry NyQuil – and get her the medical attention she needs. But more importantly, she can take a look at the has-beens in front of her and improve her self-esteem by repeating to herself, “It’s Britney, bitch.” Would this make her more likely to believe she doesn’t really have a problem comparatively? Maybe. But Dr. Drew can show Britney barely living examples of where she could be if she doesn’t get her life in order. And his experience on Loveline can help her get out of the unhealthy relationship with Adnan Ghalib. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Doc Brown Treatment: Transport Britney back to the start of her career so she can live her life differently. Analysis: Doc Brown would sit Britney down in the Delorean and take her back to the late 90s, during “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” when she was still a virgin (insert winking emoticon) She would realize that she should keep better company, live a better lifestyle, realize she can do better than JT (that may be a stretch), and determine that her talents lie solely in her delicious late 90s ass. When she realizes people will get sick of her vocals and her crazy partying, she can channel her career into more acting roles, fitness videos, and any other thing she can more accurately copy from Madonna’s body of work. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. Laura Treatment: Blame all Britney’s troubles on her kiss with Madonna and attempt to cure Britney of her homosexuality Analysis: Dr. Laura’s diagnosis would not help because making Britney more heterosexual would make her more likely to pop out additional babies, and that’s only going to augment her problems because she has trouble taking care of the kids she already has. And two women kissing doesn’t necessarily make them homosexual, it makes them awesome. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Dre Treatment: Try to revitalize Britney’s music career by laying down sick beats. Analysis: Now here’s a solution! What better way to revitalize a music career than collaborating with one of the greatest producers in Hip Hop history. Also, it’s a way to get at ex-lover JT by working with Timbaland’s predecessor as the preeminent music producer. Successful music can ultimately improve Britney’s self-esteem to the point where she becomes a contributing member of society. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. 90210 Treatment: Improve Britney’s self-image through plastic surgery. Analysis: Sadly, Britney would not benefit from Dr. 90210’s popular procedures. Breast augmentation is unnecessary since babies and ho-hos have already started that process. And any tummy tucks or lyposuction would be undone anytime the Cheesy Gordita Crunch is available at Taco Bell. Self image is always unstable when you consume the alcohol and drugs that she reportedly ingests. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. J Treatment: Embarrass Britney into a more healthy lifestyle by posterizing her with thunderous yet graceful dunks Analysis: The man who turned dunking into an art form when he transitioned from the ABA to the NBA would probably talk trash as he’s raining down slams and jams right in the Notorious B.S.’s face. While the rim-rocking display would be entertaining, it would more than likely not cure Britney of what ails her. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Giggles Treatment: Torture Britney through unlicensed and often ironic use of medical equipment. Analysis: There comes a time when drastic measures are necessary. And maybe a maniacal doctor taking revenge on the town that stoned his father to death is just the answer. Giggles’ witty pun-laden quips would get the message through Britney’s skull, most likely when he is jamming a sharp instrument through her skull. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR Dr. Pepper Treatment: Provide cola refreshment with the extra kick provided by its 23 flavors. Analysis: While surely refreshing and more accredited than competitor Mr. Pibb, Dr. Pepper would only remind Britney how much she likes her sugar-filled drinks to be complemented with Everclear or other alcoholic additives. She doesn’t need that. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Seuss Treatment: Provide life lessons in simple colorful rhyme schemes Analysis: Assuming Britney knows how to read, reading this children’s literature would be helpful in telling Britney how to behave like a good person instead of a skeezle, beezle, or bum. And as a bonus, if she reads these books with her children, she could look like a good mother even when she may not be one. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Juris Doctor Treatment: Instill Britney with knowledge about laws so she becomes better at not breaking them. Analysis: The more Britney learns about the law, the more she’s apt to actually break the law. For example, if she knew there was a law against public urination we would have seen her urinate in public already. She relishes the role of bad girl. It’s not her ignorance of the law that seems to be the problem, it’s her disdain for law.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Doc Martens Treatment: Give Britney a swift kick in the ass. Analysis: Simple. Straightforward. Effective. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. Atkins Treatment: Improve Britney’s physical condition by prescribing a low-carb lifestyle.
Analysis: Reducing carbs will only remove the non-alcoholic portion of Britney’s mixed drink, which will most likely make her more drunk and thus more of a problem. Also, Britney does not seem like she would stick to the regimen because of a lack of discipline and a lack of understanding of what carbohydrates are (Wait, if it’s Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, does that, like, burn the carbohydrates off, y’all?) For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Scholl’s Treatment: Give Britney’s feet a rest through shoe inserts that will have her “gellin’ like Magellan” Analysis: After years of being on the road and shooting highly choreographed music videos, maybe more comfortable shoes would help Britney relax into a more comfortable lifestyle. She could regain the precise and mildly pornographic dance moves that catapulted her to super-stardom instead of the lazy, immobile moves she displayed at last year’s VMAs. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
The Spin Doctors Treatment: Serenade her with such 90s alt-rock hits as “Two Princes” and “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” Analysis: While this jam band breaks out all the hits from their multi-platinum album Pocket Full of Kryptonite, Britney might realize that her music and subsequently her life, isn’t all that bad. I mean, they had their one album and faded into oblivion, while Britney keeps churning out hits even when she’s mentally unstable. To be honest, this is probably worse for The Spin Doctors. The fact that they would reunite and the best gig they can get is at Promises trying to convince Britney not to kill herself. It’s sad. For Britney, GOOD DOCTORS
And finally. . . Dr. Phil Treatment: State the obvious to Britney in a slow Southern drawl so she can understand that what she’s doing is often stupid Analysis: While Dr. Phil speaks the same language as Britney, his recommendations will probably fall on deaf ears because Britney knows mishandling her kids and abusing substances are bad for her. She just likes doing them. Some quack repeating it slowly in simple language isn’t a deterrent. It’s annoying. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
In the New Year 2008, I really want to write a lot more and this blog is one of the areas I want to improve on in terms of regularity. So one of my New Years resolutions was to write here every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. As with my resolutions to run at least three days a week (too tired from New Years) and to not get so drunk in public that I cause a scene and get scolded by the elderly (guilty), I already broke my resolution to write here more by being too hung over after attending the Rose Bowl. But I want to start and try to make this work. And what better subject to talk about than drinking:
I was watching this movie on Lifetime a while back called “The Party Never Stops: Diary of a Binge Drinker.” Now I don’t normally watch Lifetime movies (no really I don’t. Stop judging me.), but I saw a description at EW.com and thought the movie spoke to me on a personal level. It stars Sara Paxton (trying desperately to transition from child to adult roles) as Jesse Tanner, a high school track star who gets to college as a shy lass and begins drinking so that she can fit in. Nancy Travis plays her mother, apparently because So I Married an Axe Murderer 2 is still in preproduction after a dozen years or so, and grows worried when Jesse doesn’t answer her phone calls. You see, Jesse is now using alcohol as a crutch, which is bullshit because a crutch helps you walk. Jesse is determined and focused but enjoys going out with her friends and getting obliterated. These were the drinking highlights of Jesse’s Freshman year: take first drink in dorm room with the girls, get trashed at Frat party, go on double date with massive Senior tool, sleep with massive Senior tool on the first date, find out he has a girlfriend, get fake ID, sleep with random guy who doesn’t know her name, come back to dorm room after afternoon drinking to find mom there, go to San Diego for Spring Break and appear topless on the internet, fail to make the track team, have that awkward talk with mom about being topless on the internet, swear off drinking, say “fuck that” at frat party and crash car into fire hydrant, get arrested, swear off drinking again, find roommate dead from alcohol poisoning, write down a journal, sell rights to Lifetime. It’s like they were writing my story.
Movies that involve drinking have always been dear to my heart. I especially admire characters who drink well beyond the acceptable human limits to comedic or dramatic effect. When a character can consume a ridiculous amount of alcohol, that character, if he or she is lucky enough, can enter what I call The Movie Drinking Pantheon. These characters should be admired, respected for their willingness to say “Rehab’s for Quitters. Cirrhosis is Super.”
So here are the five original inductees to the Movie Drinking Pantheon, in no particular order:
Arthur (Dudley Moore) in Arthur - Arthur is a wealthy socialite who has lived his life like a kid. His family’s ultimatum forcing him to marry Susan, a woman he does not love, only causes him to drink more. And more. Until he’s staggering and stumbling through the whole film. Highlights include Arthur’s proposal scene at a fancy restaurant where his Scotch is in the middle of his white china plate instead of food, leaving a drink on the bumper of his car as he staggers to meet Linda, and collapsing at his wedding. Arthur’s diminutive size makes his drinking feats all the more impressive. Pound for pound, maybe the greatest drinker in cinema history.
Bluto Blutarsky (John Belushi) in Animal House- While Bluto drinks through most of this movie at a frighteningly awesome rate, what truly makes his drinking feats is drinking a whole bottle of Jack Daniels and smashing the bottle on a car saying, “Thanks, I needed that.” It’s hard enough to drink water from a glass that fast, let alone Tennessee whiskey from a bottle. Almost as impressive as a friend of mine in college who did a two beer beer bong in 1 .5 seconds. Seven years of pre-med or pre-law (what’s the difference) was time well spent for Bluto.
Ben Sanderson (Nicholas Cage) in Leaving Las Vegas - Here is a case to remind us that alcoholism is not just about laughs, it’s serious business too. Ben Sanderson has come to Las Vegas in order to drink himself to death. This is one of the activities that Vegas.com neglects to mention, but the ever-intuitive Sanderson decides to make his trip to Vegas a memorable one drinking-wise. He wakes up to a hard alcohol breakfast and stumbles through the day. Even the charms of the lovely prostitute Sera (Elizabeth Shue) cannot deter Ben from his dreams. For your dedication, Mr. Sanderson, I salute you. Wait, you’re saying this movie is not out to glorify drinking. Then I completely missed the point. Probably cause I was drunk playing the ever popular and lethal Leaving Las Vegas drinking game.
Willie/Santa (Billy Bob Thornton) in Bad Santa - When one measures alcoholic exploits, one often looks at consistency, speed, and also drinking when nobody thinks you should. Willie nails all of these categories. Not only does Willie drink constantly, but as evidenced by his shot after shot of tequila and by his full case polish-off before an early robbery, he is not merely a distance drinker. Drinking alcohol that you pour over a child’s gash and drinking before playing Santa Clause at the mall are great ways of upping the ante and drinking at inappropriate times. Willie’s lofty status in the pantheon of movie drinking is aided by his innate ability to urinate on himself. Clearly deserving our respect.
Ralph/Bernadette (Terence Stamp) in The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert- Sure, the drink-off in a bar between a cocky patron and the bar owner has been done. But where else has the patron been a cross-dressing transsexual? Bernadette proves her womanhood by standing up to the boys and outdrinking the bar’s rep. A huge upset for those that did not follow Bernadette on the bus through the desert like we did. Bernadette is as intimidating as she is ladylike and proves that great movie drunkenness is not just for men, it’s also for he-shes.
(Bet you didn’t think a post with the title “Movie Drinking Pantheon” would reference both a Lifetime movie and a movie about drag queens.)
There’s the initial five. Names can be added, but only if they show the ability to drink beyond human limits as demonstrated by these particular characters. Their performances will forever be cherished.
I’m not going to lie. I’m pissed. I’m pissed like Lewis Black on a Tuesday. Because my fantasy football team is crap. I’m 3-5 and I still have a shot at the playoffs if I go on a run, but I could have done a helluva lot better. Because out of my 12-team league, only myself and one other person (maybe two) were live for the draft. That’s it. I’m losing to the autodraft system. I had the opportunity to build the team that I wanted and I made one bad decision after the other. And I easily (and realistically) could have drafted a great fantasy football team. So without further ado, I am redoing my draft. This is based on our draft results, only taking players that would have been available at the time. And again, it’s easy to say that oh I should have taken Randy Moss in the 3rd round, but I’m giving you a realistic scenario based on my thoughts at the time, my past history, and give you a draft that could have happened.
Round 1 - Joseph Addai, RB, Colts. I had the 4th pick and I had Addai listed as my third best player (behind LTD and Stephen Jackson) until right before the draft. When I read Bill Simmons. And he made a somewhat convincing argument why Shaun Alexander was going to have a bounceback year. Disregard the fact that he was coming off injury and Steve Hutchinson was still gone, I took Alexander. Stupid, stupid. I could have, would have, and should have taken Addai. I hate Bill Simmons and his great life.
Round 2 - Chad Johnson, WR, Bengals. This is who I took and I can’t say that I wouldn’t in hindsight have taken him, even though Houshamazili is having a better year.
Round 3 - Tom Brady, QB, Patriots. He was on the top of my board in the 3rd round. But I stupidly did not take him because of two factors. One, the emphasis all those damn magazines and shows put on running backs. If I didn’t take two running backs in the first three rounds, I’m led to believe that my team will suck. Bullshit. Most of those publications go off a 2 RB and 1 Flex system. We only get to play 2 RBs and we have to play 5 Receivers (at least one of which is a Tight End). Further, with time-share backfields, injuries to running backs, and the ease with which receivers can handle corners based on rules, there’s an argument to be made that receivers and quarterbacks are equally productive and consistent. The other factor in not taking Brady is that I kinda hate him. He goes from hot actress to hot model. He has three super bowls (threatening Joe Montana’s legacy if he wins this year). He went to Michigan. These are not very good reasons to reject a player on draft day. But yet, I took Thomas Jones. I am reaching for a shotgun now.
Round 4 - Plaxico Burress, WR, Giants. I took Plax in the fourth round last year. Loved him. He was one of my most consistent players. I secretly loved the Giants passing attack (see Round 8). Why didn’t I take him again (but took Deuce McAllister instead)? Because I’m an idiot, that’s why.
Round 5 - Lamont Jordan, RB, Raiders. I secretly coveted Jordan, who I had on my team two years ago, and took him in the seventh round. The loss of Dominic Rhodes early, a favorable schedule, and a better offensive mind than Art Shell (not a stretch), meant good things. In this scenario I take him two rounds early. And not Todd Heap, who I strangely coveted based on an easy early schedule. But even a great Todd Heap doesn’t give me more than 7 or 8 touchdowns. I’m jabbing a pen in my eyeball now.
Round 6 - Marion Barber III, RB, Cowboys. Barber was a back that I always loved because he gets in the end zone regularly. He slips to the 11th round in our draft based on all the autodrafting ridiculousness. 11th Round. He was one of those guys I kept saying, “He’s still there? I really want him, but I already have 4 RBs and I need to get wide receivers.” I’ll take him here.
Round 7 - Santonio Holmes, WR, Steelers. I liked the Steelers passing game. I liked that he dominated the end of last season. He was on a lot of sleeper lists. But I never pulled the trigger. Because I already had Bernard Berrian. (there is an organ in my body crying now, but I can’t tell which one)
Round 8 - Eli Manning, QB, Giants. This is who I took and I’d take him again. I liked the Giants schedule and targeted Manning before the draft. But he should have been targeted as a good backup with Brady as the starter
Round 9 - Heath Miller, TE, Steelers. I always liked Heath Miller and all the touchdowns he got. Had I not taken Heap. I would have been in line for Miller, available in the 9th round. It also is important to note that about round 8 or 9 (whichever round I took Drew Bennett), I did look at my draft and said “I hate my team.” That’s strange, because in fantasy and real drafts, everyone looks at their own draft and believes that made out like a bandit. Not me. I knew my draft was shit during the draft. One bad move unfolded into another. It’s like I went into Iraq with a half-ass plan and kept screwing up because I didn’t have a good exit strategy.
Round 10 - Adrian Peterson, RB, Vikings. I know, I know. This seems like hindsight, but hear me out. I had Chester Taylor last year and he was pretty good. The reason he was good was because he had Steve Hutchinson at guard and Tony Richardson at fullback. The reason he wasn’t great was because he was CHESTER TAYLOR. Adrian Peterson was ten times the player Taylor was, I knew that, and Taylor was hurt at the start of the season. I should have considered Peterson, but at this point I’m trying to figure out who’s going to help me in case Manning or my shitty receivers don’t pull their weight. I hate myself.
Round 11 - Wes Welker, WR, Patriots. This is who I took as a great sleeper (Patriots trade a 2nd round pick for this guy, they know what they are doing, Moss and Stallworth stretch the field, etc.). I’d obviously take him again. He’s awesome.
Round 12 - Brandon Marshall, WR, Broncos. Baby TO. Where I took him. Don’t regret it. Would do it again
Round 13 - Oakland, DEF. Sure there are better defenses, and some available, but I liked the Raiders and I would be disingenuous to say that I would have taken someone different based on my thoughts at the time.
Round 14 - James Jones, WR, Packers. I was debating between the two Joneses (Jacoby and James) and ended up with Jacoby. As much as I loathe the Packers, I should have figured Jones would make more of an impact considering the QBs (Favre over Schaub, though Schaub’s OK)
Round 15 - Desmond Clark, TE, Bears. Showing my beloved Bears some love after taking a Packer. With Greg Olsen out to start the season, he’s a good pickup.
Round 16 - Matt Stover, K, Ravens. For my kicker, Matt Stover, my kicker from last year who I loved, was available. I was tired and took Joe Nedney. If I had a staple gun right now. . .
So there’s my draft. And here’s how I would have performed with this team, based on reasonable projections of who I would start (bolded numbers indicate that week’s starters:
Weeks 1-3: I play with the girls I brought to the dance and kick some serious ass, with a pretty good bench to boot
Week 4: I swap out Marion Barber for Lamont Jordan, based on what he did to the Bears (but get the same result had I stuck with Jordan) and use Marshall instead of Welker based on the previous week.
Week 5: My worst week at 105 points. This assumes that I play Addai knowing he will be injured instead of picking up someone (Brandon Jacobs perhaps?) because Jordan and Peterson are on byes. I play Des Clark over James Jones in my W/T based on Griese as QB and good showing week before. I’ll also say that I picked up Arizona, like I did in real life.
Week 6: Still have Jordan on the bench because I’m unsure about his injury, which gives me the opportunity to play Peterson and enjoy his 45 points against my Bears. The devil’s found a nice little place on his mantle for my soul.
Week 7: How can I bench Peterson and Welker after their performances in week 6? Won’t do it. They kick ass again. But I only get 151. Maybe someone else beats me. (Silently laughing)
Week 8: As in real life, picked up Jason Elam and his eighty game winning field goals to fill in for Stover in the bye week. How was he still available? Another humdrum 121. And probably another W
Without major maneuvering on the waiver wire (which would be unlikely), I’m probably 8-0 and getting my roster in line for the playoffs. Instead I’m 3-5 and wondering where it all went wrong. Combine this with the plight of Notre Dame football, the Chicago Bears, and the Cubs’ early playoff exit and there is no joy in Tomsville. If only Tom Brady wasn’t so damn perfect. . . .
I have a dilemma that I would like your help with. But first. . .
The sketch comedy writing show I’ve been working on for a while is finally set to open this week. Hungry Like the Wolfowitz, starring a stellar cast from Second City Los Angeles and written by myself along with four other very talented writers, opens this Thursday, October 18th at 8:00 PM. It will run for four Thursdays and seating is limited so get your tickets early. The theater is located at The Second City Studio Theater, 6560 Hollywood Blvd., Hollywood, CA, 90028. Box office # is 323/464-8542. For more info, check us out on myspace at www.myspace.com/hungry_wolfowitz
The other big news is that three of the writers from this show (myself, Kristina Adelmeyer, and Christo Angeloff) and Dan Reber from the other writing show (’Zombies, Whores, and Puppets’ at 9:30 PM the next four Thursdays at Second City) have been writing and filming material that can now be seen on the web! It’s called Hello Sundays. We now have three videos up and we plan to post something on Sundays for the next few weeks.
Hope to see you at the show if you are in Los Angeles. And no matter where you live, you can check out our work online.
Now, back to the matter at hand. The show that I work on is having a big party in less than two weeks. Formal cocktail attire. In an airplane hangar. Very cool. Should be a lot of fun. However, it is an event where I can bring myself plus one guest and the problem is that I don’t have any good leads on the “plus one” at the moment. The following are some options and I would like some feedback on who should go.
1. Girl who is a friend #1 - This girl is someone who I have been trying to go out with for a while. She is super nice, like nominated for sainthood nice. The problem has been every time I have asked her out, she has had a conflict because she does so much charity work. (This is actually true. I know a lot of stuff I wrote about in the past and stuff I will write further down in the column is a joke, but this is true. She is completely selfless.) I think she might be so nice that she will tire of my antics quickly, but I’m not sure. Going out with her would either confirm or deny my suspicion. But not sure if this is the occasion. And there’s also the sneaking suspicion I have that she’s just not that into me.
2. Girl who is a friend #2 - This girl is someone I was in contact with somewhat regularly a few months ago and I tried to go out with her at the time. Very cautiously (”Your friends are in town? Great, let’s hang out!”) but ineffective nonetheless. She flew home a lot at the time when it would have worked out and also found great excuses why we couldn’t make it out until our communication grinded to a halt before briefly picking up again. And also she’s a beauty queen. Like there was a contest where people judge you on how beautiful you are and she fuckin’ won. So I’m thinking she probably blew me off (and unfortunately not the good kind) or didn’t like me like that and didn’t have the heart to tell me. I’ve tried to bring her out to screenings and such in the past without much success; do I go for it on 4th and 20?
3. A Prostitute - I could obviously hire a professional escort. They are paid good sums of money because of their expertise in accompanying their clients - “johns” - on events such as the one I’m going to. She can inform my coworkers on sexually transmitted diseases and her tales from prison may be interesting to people who work on this police-based show. If I were to hire a professional, I would try to find one with an engaging personality, a quick wit, and medium-sized breasts so as not to tip off her prostitutishness to my co-workers. The problem with this scenario is not only is it costly, but it may reflect poorly on me when I come in to work on Monday if my co-workers figure out she is a prostitute.
4. A blowup doll - Not only is the blowup doll high comedy, but it is also a pretty easy date. There’s a 95% chance I would get some later. However, the big drawback to this guest is that blowup dolls can’t talk. Ideally a guest that I would bring would be able to engage me in conversation in order to break up the evening a bit and help me keep enough distance from co-workers that I don’t become intrusive. Conversations with blow-up dolls are too often a one-way street.
5. Try to meet a random girl at Oktoberfest - I am going to Oktoberfest on Friday. The clientele is really diverse (from families to crazy people) and there is a good chance I won’t find a woman who is interested under the age of 40. But booze will be flowing. This will make for a really awkward first date, going to a formal cocktail party in an airplane hangar. But it could be impressive to said girl and with the right girl the evening might be quite nice. Big gamble banking on the “right girl” doing the chicken dance in Torrance.
6. Try to invite someone who’s at the writing show - This is an intriguing possibility as well. It depends on how our crowd is on Thursday but there may be people there that I have somewhat of a history with. Without the history, it’s the same gamble as Oktoberfest, lessened by the common ground of having seen the show. They will have a sense of humor which is welcome. But we’re looking at a much smaller sample size here.
7. Try to meet a random girl at ND/USC gamewatch - ND will face USC and probably lose because they have lost almost every game they’ve played this year (They are essentially a high school team at almost every position, returning the fewest lettermen in Div. 1-A, due to transfers and poor recruiting classes by Ty Willingham, but that’s a different column) Bottom line is, they stink. But there will still be some more ND people coming out to watch the rivalry game than usual, I think. I may know some of them. But I’ve never fared well with the usual ND girl. They are like Princess Vespa to my Dark Helmet. And by this point in life, most of them are in relationships or married. Doubtful, but may be worth a shot. The alternative may be the USC girl, but that may require me to go to a bar that has more USC people, and that would be too painful unless Mark Sanchez is on the take.
8. Go to 4Play Gentleman’s Club Saturday Night - I don’t think it would be a good idea for me to try to pick up a stripper without seeing the whole episode of VH1’s The Pick-Up Artist. And I don’t think it would be wise for me to bring a stripper to this function (see reasons under “Prostitute” above). But it wouldn’t hurt to try. Especially after a weekend of being rejected by random girls who were wondering what was wrong with me after I asked them out to a formal party when I haven’t been able to correctly pronounce their name the entire day/night. If nothing else, the professional ladies of the night might be able to offer some advice, provided I pay for the VIP dance.
9. The Ex of a few months - Bad idea. I know there are no bad ideas in brainstorming, but. . .bad idea.
10. The Roommate - I already played this hand at the show’s premiere party (held at the same club Jack Bauer got busted at for his DUI). Bringing him again probably would be fine, but for a formal event like this (so soon after the premiere no less) I feel like I should go in a different direction. It would help divert suspicion that we’re roommates in the West Hollywood sense. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
11. Another friend (guy or girl) - A really safe way to play it and also a cool thing to share with a different friend. Would have to choose among friends, which is always weird. And if it’s a girl, there’s always that weird “Are they dating?” vibe. And if it’s a guy, there’s always that weird “Are they dating?” vibe “He did bring his roommate to the last event.” I’m really insecure.
12. Mom - Otherwise known as The Vinnie Chase Solution. This would be the perfect solution except for the fact that my mother a) lives in Chicago and b) is not the kind of person who easily jumps on a plane. And unlike Vinnie Chase, I don’t have the resources to get Turtle, E, and Drama on a private jet and help fly her out to Cali.
13. Go by myself - Since I will be going to a work function, it’s not completely out of the question, right? I should have a decent amount of people to talk to. Further, it could be fun to come up with excuses as to why I didn’t bring anyone (missed flight, got stood up at the last minute, kidnapping, etc.). But the advantage of having someone there is pretty huge. Being there alone means I have to leech on to other people’s conversations the whole time, which can get pretty annoying for the other parties. Plus, I’m still relatively new and I don’t have any true BFFs at work.
14. Skip the event - I can always come up with a good excuse as to why I couldn’t go. I was sick, something came up, I got shot in Compton, etc. The list is endless and, frankly, my absence gets forgotten a lot more easily than, say, bringing a blow-up doll. But that’s the coward’s way out, isn’t it? Did Thomas Edison invent the DVD player by being a pussy and skipping cocktail parties simply because he couldn’t find the right “plus one?” I didn’t think so.
So those are my options. Feel free to weigh in. And if there are other options I have not considered (cloning, animals, etc.) please feel free to add those options as well.
Let’s open up the mailbag and answer some football fantasy questions:
Tommyboy, I was really excited that I was able to draft Donovan McNabb this year. I love him! Love, love, love him! A lot of people had their doubts about him because of his injury and all that stuff that that nasty TO said about him, but I don’t care. He’s my man and I’m sticking with him. He’s got those strong arms and those big muscles. Tell me you like Donovan McNabb, too. Please? - Walter from Omaha, NE
I do think Donovan McNabb will have a good season - after all he was on pace to be the best quarterback in football statistically last year before the injury. But I do understand when people have their concerns. Injuries always present risk of reoccurring and he’s not really young in football years anymore. His mobility will be limited which will limit some of the plays he creates and he might take some more sacks this year from being cautious. But like you mentioned, his strong arm coupled with a good understanding of the offense should lead to a Top 6 QB season. Just make sure you have a good backup in case the injury reoccurs.
I’m debating whether I should start Peyton Manning or Rex Grossman this week. I know they are both good guys and I like what they do in the community, but Rex is so much dreamier. If I were out in public, maybe at a bar or a malt shop, I would much rather have Rex draped on my arm than Peyton. He’s way cuter, especially when he smiles and he gets those dimples. Oh, just thinking about it, I think I’m starting Rex, but I’d love to hear what your take is. - Steve from Tacoma, WA
Well, Steve, most leagues don’t give points for “dreaminess” because you can’t quantify it, so you have to look strictly at the statistics. And when you look at the statistics, Peyton Manning gives you the best chance of accumulating the most points. He’s far more consistent from week to week, and Rex also faces a tough Chargers defense on Sunday. So in my opinion, start Peyton.
I was lucky enough to get LaDanian Tomlinson in my draft this week, but someone said that I should have gotten Michael Turner as a “handcuff” pick. What is a handcuff? Is it a player I would like to handcuff to my bedposts so I can take advantage of him? In that case, I would have handcuffed Tom Brady! - Carl from Newton, MA
A handcuff is actually the backup to a player on his own team. The rationale behind selecting your star running back’s backup is that if your star goes down, that player will become the starter and you won’t be hurt too bad. I don’t like the handcuff as much as other people. Sometimes it pays off (Larry Johnson a couple years ago) but more often than not it’s a wasted draft pick. And even if that person goes into the starting lineup, there’s no guarantee they will be effective. I would rather load my bench with proven starting running backs so that if my star back goes down, I have proven people filling his spot in the lineup. So even if you didn’t pick up Michael Turner, no problem. And even if you want him later, he will probably be one of the first RBs to go on the waiver wire, especially when teams start having bye weeks.
Hey, Tommyboy, longtime reader. In my league, we start 1 QB, 2 RBs, 2 WRs, 1 TE, 1 K, 1 DEF, and 1 Flex. I’m assuming that the Flex player is “player I would most like to have sex with my anus.” In that case, I’m having a hard time deciding between Clinton Portis and Joe Jurevicius. What do you think? - Chuck from Arlington Heights, IL
The “flex” player can either be a running back/wide receiver/tight end or wide receiver/tight end. I would check with your league settings. If you have the option of using a running back, always go with a running back, provided you have one that’s getting a decent amount of carries. They get the most consistent touches and have the greatest likelihood of scoring touchdowns. If you don’t have that option, generally go for a wide receiver over a tight end unless the tight end has a much better matchup than the wide receiver. You usually have a greater opportunity to get big yards from your receivers. But, if you have two great tight ends on your roster, why not play them both? On most rosters, the order should be running back, then wide receiver, then tight end.
When Marvin Harrison fell to the third round of my draft and I was able to get him, I got so excited that I ejaculated all over my computer screen. Do you have any recommendations for cleaning my screen? - Dirk from Toledo, OH
I would wipe off the majority of the ejaculate with a soft tissue and then I would use a Windex Glass and Surface, nothing too abrasive, to give a thorough clean. Spray the Windex into a paper towel and gently rub the screen, drying it off with the unused portion of the towel or another paper towel. Good get on Marvin Harrison. People really overemphasize getting running backs early because they minimize risk, but Harrison is a surer bet than Edgerrin James, Clinton Portis, or many other running backs taken ahead of him.
Well, that’s it. Thanks for the letters, the photographs, and the stolen jock straps. Have fun with Football Fantasy this year.
Write to you tomorrow!
