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08.25.08
Posted in Life, Movies, Sports, JD at 12:43 pm by jd
If nothing else, lets be clear on this one point: I don’t smoke. While we’re at it, let me jump on a soapbox and say this: You shouldn’t smoke either. I like the view from up here so I’ll say a few more things.
* Is there any bigger irony than a firefighter going on a smoke break?
* If coffee stunts your growth, shouldn’t Ritalin make you taller?
* After a hard day, two Parrot Bay Coolers just won’t cut it.
* Lebron has officially surpassed Kobe as the best player on the planet.
* As far as deep fried things go, you could do worse than General Tso’s Chicken.
Has anyone else noticed that Heath Ledger’s performance in Dark Knight is being way over blown because of his prescription drug mishap? Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy, thought he was great in 10 Things I Hate About You and I think he was nothing short of outstanding in the new (and quite literally) “Dark” film. I still just think he’s closer to some MTV Movie Popcorn for Best Villain than to a posthumous Oscar. It’s really hard to beat Jack at what he does, and Heath did just that, but lets be realistic.
While we’re being realistic, the Trail Blazers invited Luke Jackson into their training camp. That trail flamed out when he hung up his Green and Gold Oregon sneakers. Cavs beat writer Bob Finnan (who The Diesel, Tommy Boy and I may or may not have seen in Vegas at the Summer League and, in related news, is a lying bastard) still thinks he can play despite having been in and out of the league at best for two seasons. To paraphrase Finnan, “If he can get healthy and a long enough look, he’ll be a solid contributer to an NBA Franchise.” Please Bob, he’s no Jason Kapono.
I could not get through my day without morning coffee, but I’ve come to realize that Folgers has long since NOT been the “best part of waking up.” CVS in Northern Ohio is selling two week supplies of the stuff for $2.99! Don’t get me wrong, I’m drinking it, but I’d rather dip into the Peet’s, Starbuck’s or Dunkin.
Last but not least, today is the day that my longtime one and only pet will be put to sleep. She’s been great and I wanted to mention her because it has definitely been a rough decision and is going to be even worse when we go to the Vet later. We’ll miss you, Phoebe.
See you somewhere soon, I hope.
Be well.
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04.14.08
Posted in Television, JD at 12:14 pm by jd
You have to see this if you haven’t.. You have to love John Oliver
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11.11.07
Posted in AJ, JD at 11:58 pm by jd
Thanksgiving time is rapidly approaching and the Socks were sitting around discussing how much better their Turkey Weekend is than yours. Yes, we said Turkey WEEKEND. It starts with a night at the bar (don’t they all) and ends with, uhh, a night at the bar. But in between, there is a birthday (Jay’s) a football game (Turkey Bowl) and the beginning of the most wonderful time of the year (Christmas Season).
About the time we were thinking of an idea for how to write this column, Jay had just finished watching Disney movies all day. Jay walked downstairs and the following exchange took place:
Jay – Dude, how good are Disney movies?
Adam – Almost as good as Thanksgiving.
Together – DISNEY THEMED THANKSGIVING COLUMN!
And there it was, we had our plan. We will now detail our Thanksgiving itinerary in musical soundtrack form (CD available on Virgin Records). Sing the songs to the tune of your Disney Musical Favorites! (NOTED: This is funnier if you listen to the tunes while reading).
On Wednesday, Thanksgiving break starts, and the Socks go out to the beautiful bars of Amherst, Ohio for the first of three times in the next 4 days.
“We Just Can’t Wait for Drinking” (to the tune of “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King” – Lion King)
It’s gonna be a crazy night,
So single Mom’s beware.
Set your mind to “Shock and Awe,”
And read on if you dare.
It’s only just the first event,
We open the bar door.
We’re dressing up, we’re gettin’ down,
And drinking lots of Coors!
(Thus far we hope that we are inspiring.)
Oh we just can’t wait for drinking!
Our friends saying “Drink this.”
Our friends saying “Get here!”
No one saying “Stop that!”
Everyone shouting “Drink Beer!” (DRINK BEER!)
Free of classes for three days,
Now we’ll drink them all away.
Thursday is Turkey Day and Jay’s Birthday! It’s family with all the fixin’s.
“Legs and Breasts” (tune of “Be Our Guest” – Beauty and the Beast)
Legs and breasts, legs and breasts,
Not naughty like they’d suggest.
Stack your plate with taters and turkey
Then dig into the mess.
Dinner’s served,
Quite the bird,
30 pounds! Why, that’s absurd!
Try the gravy, it’s delicious,
Thick and creamy; not nutritious.
Got meat sweats and painful cramps,
Time to find some bigger pants,
And the dinner here is never second best!
There’s just a single menu,
At our happy venue,
Legs and breasts,
Legs and breasts,
LEGS AND BREASTS!
Friday is an event we have aptly named “Turkey Crawl.” It’s when the Socks parade around Amherst (for the 2nd time) with friends and family, hopping (or crawling) from one bar to the next in joyful exuberance. They start at an old time pizza parlor and walk the streets from there. A secondary purpose of Turkey Crawl is to ensure we are all hungover in preparation for the Saturday morning football game. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves…
“Turkey Crawl-ing” (tune of “Under the Sea” – The Little Mermaid)
The pizzas are always better,
After the first few drinks,
We eat lots of pepperoni,
Then into the booze we sink.
We walk to the bars around us,
At each one we will drink more.
When wonderful friends surround us,
How could you want much more?
Turkey crawling, turkey crawling!
This night is greater as it gets later;
Take it from me.
We drink a lot of PBR,
‘Cause it’s a dollar at the bar,
Shoot Kamikazes,
Jim, Jack and Johnny,
Turkey Crawling!
It makes all the wives unhappy,
As through the streets we stroll,
The weather is always crappy,
But beer shields us from the cold.
The end of the night is lucky,
The D.D. is really great,
The crawlers are getting hungry,
And Taco Bell’s open late!
Turkey crawling, turkey crawling!
You will not beat us,
Try and out drink us,
That’s just crazy!
Back to the hot tub we will go,
Then we will pass out in the snow,
We’ll be hungover,
When it’s all over,
Turkey crawling!
Finally! Turkey Bowl Saturday is upon us; and it is glorious! This epic game between the old guys and the young guns is unathletic at its core, and entertaining to the end. It is the highlight of everyone’s weekend. Nay, it is the highlight of everyone’s year! (For more information, check out www.lcturkeybowl.org. Not to shamelessly plug one of our websites.) (Make sure you see the links on the website to the other websites such as blog.looselybasedfilms.com)
One Jump Ahead (of the Fat Guys) – (tune of “One Jump Ahead” – Aladdin)
Gotta keep,
One jump ahead of the fat guys,
I feel sick, but I’m gonna score,
I swear, I’m never gonna drink no more!
(and that’s a lie)
One rush, an awkward tackle,
I’m down, “Hey that’s my junk!”
My God, I think that I still am drunk!
(Half back, trick pass, defense, take that!)
Just a quick smoke break, guys,
Oh my God I think I might die!
Be back in a jiff, gotta get some snacks,
And then we can start Game 2.
When all is said and done, we can look back on the weekend and the great times had by all; and that leaves us but one thing to do: start talking trash for next year. Happy Holidays!
Come Have a Drink With Me – (tune of “You’ve Got a Friend in Me” – Toy Story)
Come have a drink with me,
Maybe eat some turkey.
When you’re drunk and,
Nice and fed,
And your face and your feet they are, glowing red,
Even though the weekend might be dead,
Just come have a drink with me.
Oh yeah,
One last drink with me.
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11.07.07
Posted in Sports, JD at 1:05 am by jd
It’s 12:20 AM and I am awake watching Mike Brown dismantle the Cavs chances of winning a game on the road at Golden State. I guess it’s time for a running diary.
Currently its 78-73 Cavs with 2 minutes left in the 3rd quarter. I can’t wait for the token mismanagement of the game that causes us to lose.
I wonder what it’ll be this time. An ill advised timeout? A treacherous substitution? Perhaps just a lack of strategic, umm, strategy.
Update, as I was typing that, Mike Brown inserted Damon Jones and Ira Newble to replace Drew Gooden and Lebron James. 78-78 after a Baron Davis 3. Make it 81-80 Golden State going to the 4th. Hate to say I told you so.
So since my last post, which I can no longer remember writing, I’ve gone to Grad School, started up my basketball season coaching high school kids and gotten engaged. Crazy times right? Well, its clear that I’ve had a lot on my plate, and thus haven’t been able to post. Right now I’m about as reliable as generic brand hemorrhoid cream. I’ve also played an entire touch football season and gone to the championship game in my Co-Ed softball league. I feel like you need to know these things.
I hate Mike Brown, but not JUST Mike Brown (the coach of the Cavaliers, by the way, for people trying to catch up). I also hate the Cavs announcers. And the Indians announcers come to think of it. But that’s neither here nor there. “Much to Z’s chagrin, he just picked up his 3rd foul.” That’s unfortunate.
How much does this American TV writers strike suck? Am I relegated to reruns of the Daily Show and Colbert Report? Am I actually going to have to read his (Stephen Colbert) book? And incidentally, why does anyone think he’s funny? Myself included. Here’s the thing, any old jerk off can go on television and jumble words together while making sarcastic comments and selflessly plugging consumer products in order to get comps from said companies. It’s especially nerve wracking when this jerk off is the last person that would need the comps he shameless requests. Ok, I’ve managed to do it, I’m switching to Ellen.
Timeout Mike Brown, 85-81 Warriors. Lebron James is making every effort to will the Cavs to victory, but I’m not sure he can overcome.
Let me update that score, its 89-85. Sorry. And the Cavs just had a “good possession” in which we ended with a 30% 3 point shooter taking a 3 from the corner. He missed. But you knew that. Got to love when Devin Brown is the big offseason free agent signing.
Devin Brown turns the ball over and Lebron makes a RIDICULOUS Tayshaun Prince block from behind. His 2nd in the 4th quarter. Wow. It’s too bad Mike Brown’s involved here, this would actually be a very good, entertaining game otherwise. It’s also doomed by its association to the NBA.
In unrelated news, any time I sleep at my Mom’s house, I shut the door to my room and my cat meows until I open it. This has lasted as long as 45 minutes… we’ll come back to this, but I have to tell you, we just had the stupid unnecessary Mike Brown timeout. 6:32 remaining in the game, 93-89 Warriors, oh AND he put Damon Jones back in the game!!! A bad substitution following the bad timeout! It’s the Mike Brown Special! It’s like a McDonald’s Value Meal, only McDonald’s is the worst basketball coach in the world, and the Value Meal is really horrific basketball strategy, but back to the 45 minutes… So I’m just wondering to myself if this isn’t her kind of creepy revenge from my article ripping Fancy Feast Gourmet cat food commercials. She did like her some Fancy Feast.
An improbable 3 by Damon Jones cuts the Warriors lead to 1 and leads to a Don Nelson timeout. This was preceded by 3 turnovers and what looked like a stretch of bad JV basketball.
I’m getting tired. Lets be honest, you aren’t reading anymore anyway. Well you know what, print it out next time and take it into the John with you. That’s what I’d do. At least its not the crappy writing of the other guys on this site.
We just got reminded by Fred McLeod (the Cavs play-by-play man) for the 29th time that Lebron is “X” stats short of his 11th career triple double. A developing storyline, I’ll keep you in “the know.”
Damon Jones WIDE OPEN 3, back iron. Saw that coming.
Did I tell you that I write for the John Carroll News now? Oh I didn’t? Well I do. I’m a pretty big deal.
Side question, does anyone still go to hockey games in American cities not ending in ‘roit? I’m just curious, I really don’t know.
Austin Carr (Cavs Color Man): “Lebron’s guarding everyone out there. He really wants to win, Fred.” Just under 3 minutes to go, 98 all with Andris Biedrins about to shoot two free throws. But first, we’ll go to George Clooney’s voice talking about malted hops and imploring you to raise up the Great American Lager. Now a cheesy song promoting an American car company.
I watched Pirates 1 today. Really good flick. Really good. Keira Knightley is extraordinarily beautiful in the movie.
McLeod just told me my stomach is in knots, much like the GM of the Warriors who they showed on the screen. He was calmly using his Blackberry, probably making fun of Danny Ferry (Cavs GM) for having Mike Brown as his coach. Meanwhile, Biedrins misses both free throws. McLeod: “Suffice it to say, the Cavs could use a hoop here.”
There is a jar of Oreo Cookies sitting next to me. I feel like Mikey McD in Rounders the way I’m turning down “zee cookies.” My puns could use some work today. Cavs by 5 now! And its “nervous nilly time on that Golden State bench.” I swear you can’t make these things up.
Well now if we lose this game, I’ll be stunned. Then again, Mike Brown is our Coach, so 1 minute, 5 point lead with the ball. I’m not hedging bets.
37 seconds left in the game, Golden State just scored again. Mike Brown just called another timeout. Dumb, and I’ll tell you why. A) You now throw the ball in from half court, more than likely, instead of killing time bringing the ball all the way up the court. B) You now give Golden State a chance to set their defense, whether its pressuring the ball or what. And it always is better to set up your defense than to just go with the flow, especially when you are a bad defensive team. In fact, as a coach, I would have screamed timeout after that bucket went in had I been the team that just scored.
And despite its being completely idiotic, Daniel “Boobie” Gibson just hit a huge 3 to put the Cavs up 4 with 19.5 remaining. His fifth “triple” of the night. Austin Carr is stumbling on more words than Mel Gibson when he was arrested. He may have just had a stroke.
Baron Davis misses a 3, Drew Gooden rebounds the ball and that will just about do it, 12.5 to go and Gooden gets 2 free tosses. Drew split the pair. He also shaved his “ducktail” or “reverse soul patch” over the Summer. Good move.
7.2 remaining, Cavs up 4, Warriors inbounding at half court. Still no triple double for Lebron. Apparently “you have to score points to win on the road.” Austin, you’ve outdone yourself.
Mercifully, it’s over. 108-104 Cavs. Mike Brown tried his damnedest, but to no avail. Lebron wouldn’t let his team lose. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to… wait, Boobie Gibson kinda looks like a black, male Keira Knightley. Yeah, time for bed.
Be well.
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09.28.07
Posted in Sports, JD, The Diesel at 12:04 am by Diesel The
JD and The Diesel are partners in a weekly NFL office pool. Ever wonder how these Boy Wonders have been able to pick 4 out of every 10 games right so far this season? Me neither.
What follows is a peak at the thought processes of two armchair quarterbacks (and Turkey Bowl stars) in the form of an Instant Messenger conversation.
I warn you now, it’s essentially gibberish. And I won’t even get started on the syntax…
As always, all picks are for entertainment purposes only (whatever the hell that means). Go Browns!
JD (9:54:07 AM): lets rock this catbox one more time
The Diesel (9:54:19 AM): shizzle
JD (9:56:52 AM): cowboys seem to be the obvious pick for the suicide
The Diesel (9:56:54 AM): did you get the email?
JD (9:57:18 AM): yeah
The Diesel (9:57:54 AM): thoughts? comments?
JD (9:57:56 AM): im not all about picking a road team for the suicide
JD (9:58:11 AM): but I’d probably take Houston if i was
JD (9:58:27 AM): or Pittsburgh
The Diesel (10:01:00 AM): the big lines are cowboys and chargers
The Diesel (10:01:02 AM): both at home
JD (10:01:23 AM): no chance i’m picking the chargers to beat anybody
JD (10:01:37 AM): actually
JD (10:01:41 AM): let’s go with them
JD (10:01:44 AM): i hate the cowboys
The Diesel (10:02:28 AM): i felt the same about the chargers
The Diesel (10:02:34 AM): except it’s the chiefs
The Diesel (10:02:46 AM): and they’re awful
The Diesel (10:03:07 AM): i also hate the cowboys, but i’m willing to overlook that to win some money
The Diesel (10:03:39 AM): the ravens are only team i refuse to use in any way, be it gambling, fantasy football, or acknowledging their existence
JD (10:03:47 AM): chargers it is
The Diesel (10:03:51 AM): everyone else is fair game if it puts coin in my pocket…
JD (10:03:56 AM): LT scores 2 and his back up scores 2
JD (10:04:11 AM): (b/c i started him in fantasy this week)
The Diesel (10:04:31 AM): i don’t get it…
JD (10:04:32 AM): ok here’s the picks
The Diesel (10:04:32 AM): what?
JD (10:04:37 AM): michael turner
JD (10:04:39 AM): LT’s back up
The Diesel (10:04:45 AM): LT’s backup?
The Diesel (10:04:49 AM): gotcha
JD (10:04:55 AM): is one of my fantasy football starters in the money league this week
JD (10:05:03 AM): so he’ll score 2 times against the miserable chiefs
JD (10:05:04 AM): i hope
The Diesel (10:05:05 AM): i’ve got to start brian russell this week, SJ’s backup
JD (10:05:08 AM): i’m 0-3 in that league
The Diesel (10:05:17 AM): brian leonard
The Diesel (10:05:21 AM): not russell, sorry
The Diesel (10:05:30 AM): ouch
JD (10:05:34 AM): i was gonna say
JD (10:05:38 AM): when did he move from safety?
The Diesel (10:05:51 AM): “excuse my friend, he’s a little slow…”
JD (10:06:19 AM): ok here’s my picks
JD (10:06:23 AM): lets do this one more time
JD (10:06:26 AM): the hell with a coin
The Diesel (10:06:26 AM): no coin flip?
JD (10:06:28 AM): thats no fun
The Diesel (10:06:39 AM): i’m pissy about our performance, though
JD (10:06:40 AM): plus the first couple weeks have been an anomaly
The Diesel (10:06:49 AM): they always are…
JD (10:06:52 AM): whatever, remember last year when i got incredibly good at the end
JD (10:07:01 AM): i am traditionally a slow starter
JD (10:07:07 AM): now lets do this
The Diesel (10:07:12 AM): okay, let’s do it
JD (10:07:14 AM): browns + 4.5
The Diesel (10:07:20 AM): obviously
The Diesel (10:07:28 AM): i think we’ll win this one
JD (10:07:31 AM): TB + 2.5 @ CAR
JD (10:07:46 AM): what do you think
The Diesel (10:08:41 AM): Panthers. i like the home team.
JD (10:08:48 AM): ditto
JD (10:09:13 AM): Det +3.5 at home against the bears and new starting qb brian griese
JD (10:09:26 AM): I hate everything about Detroit and the Bears have a good defense
The Diesel (10:09:40 AM): but the bears also have SIX defensive starters hurt
JD (10:09:54 AM): but dallas smoked them
The Diesel (10:10:00 AM): for maybe the first time ever, smart money could be on detroit
JD (10:10:02 AM): i still think they rebound
JD (10:10:10 AM): pick who you want
JD (10:10:19 AM): i see the bears playing good in the first start from griese
The Diesel (10:10:19 AM): let’s go to the coin…
JD (10:10:27 AM): you got one on you?
The Diesel (10:10:30 AM): Bears
The Diesel (10:10:41 AM): i’m prepared
The Diesel (10:10:52 AM): It’s New Hampshire “Live Free or Die”
The Diesel (10:10:55 AM): Hard
JD (10:11:25 AM): haha
JD (10:11:40 AM): remember my titans covering against the colts premonition was right too
JD (10:11:41 AM): if it helps
The Diesel (10:11:47 AM): that is true
The Diesel (10:12:07 AM): so will the cowboys beat the rams by 13.5?
JD (10:12:21 AM): no steven jackson?
JD (10:12:37 AM): i go yes
The Diesel (10:12:51 AM): sure
The Diesel (10:13:02 AM): plus they’re at home
JD (10:13:06 AM): right
The Diesel (10:13:16 AM): packs/viks
The Diesel (10:13:20 AM): will the magic continue?
JD (10:13:23 AM): yeah
JD (10:13:49 AM): actually i don’t know
JD (10:13:54 AM): what’s the tarvaris jackson status
The Diesel (10:14:06 AM): he sucks
JD (10:14:12 AM): pack wins
The Diesel (10:14:23 AM): i’m cool wit dat
JD (10:14:31 AM): texans pick apart the falcons in schaub’s return
The Diesel (10:15:02 AM): yup
JD (10:15:15 AM): broncos beat the spread
JD (10:15:25 AM): shanahan’s a good coach that will establish the run and kill clock
The Diesel (10:15:26 AM): i agree
JD (10:15:31 AM): they’ll lose, but keep it interesting
The Diesel (10:15:48 AM): denver it is
The Diesel (10:16:23 AM): raiders getting 4.5 on the road against miami
JD (10:16:31 AM): and I like the Dolphins at home
The Diesel (10:16:46 AM): btw i also have a raiders logo on my computer desktop right now
The Diesel (10:16:53 AM): never lose a bet to your company’s IT guy
JD (10:17:02 AM): u think raiders?
The Diesel (10:17:07 AM): hell no
The Diesel (10:17:12 AM): go fins!
The Diesel (10:17:23 AM): or is it phins?
JD (10:17:33 AM): it’s who cares
The Diesel (10:17:39 AM): yes. yes it is.
The Diesel (10:18:04 AM): jets -3.5 against the Bills at home
JD (10:18:49 AM): jets give up a ton of points, coming out party for marshawn lynch and lee evans
JD (10:18:55 AM): i like the bills
JD (10:19:06 AM): upset special
The Diesel (10:19:26 AM): i think both teams stink, but i’ll go with the bills
JD (10:20:13 AM): giants at home with momentum getting points against the eagles>
The Diesel (10:20:14 AM): eagles-3.5@giants
JD (10:20:14 AM): ?
The Diesel (10:20:21 AM): hmmm
The Diesel (10:20:32 AM): what’d the giants do last week?
JD (10:21:25 AM): beat the redskins
The Diesel (10:21:41 AM): and eli has stopped sucking?
JD (10:21:48 AM): remember the browns put up 50+ then got destroyed by the raiders d
JD (10:21:52 AM): shut down, not destroyed
JD (10:21:54 AM): well both
The Diesel (10:22:09 AM): the browns have been a terrible 1st quarter team
The Diesel (10:22:25 AM): also, mcnabb and curtis are on my fantasy team
JD (10:22:31 AM): ok go eagles
The Diesel (10:22:39 AM): but let’s go new york football giants at home
JD (10:22:52 AM): ok
JD (10:23:11 AM): steelers to cover
JD (10:23:39 AM): well
JD (10:23:48 AM): the cardinals are 1-2, all in 3 point games
JD (10:23:55 AM): including at home against baltimore
The Diesel (10:24:46 AM): i’m also intrigued by their whole dual qb thing…
JD (10:24:54 AM): yeah
The Diesel (10:24:58 AM): let’s go cards with the points
JD (10:25:00 AM): ok
The Diesel (10:25:05 AM): not confident about it, but what the hell…
The Diesel (10:25:15 AM): it’s always fun to root against pittsburgh
JD (10:25:17 AM): sd covers 123
JD (10:25:17 AM): 12
JD (10:25:20 AM): yes it is
The Diesel (10:25:24 AM): chiefs are awful
The Diesel (10:25:36 AM): we did decide on SD as our suicide pick, yes?
JD (10:25:40 AM): seattle at sf by a field goal
JD (10:25:42 AM): yes
JD (10:25:48 AM): on sunday night
JD (10:25:57 AM): sf looked awful last week
The Diesel (10:26:16 AM): works for me. sea it is
JD (10:26:46 AM): pats cover 8 on the road?
The Diesel (10:26:49 AM): now the intriguing pick…
The Diesel (10:27:02 AM): this is a landmine
The Diesel (10:27:21 AM): the vegas over/under is currently 53, so it’s not going to be a low scoring game
JD (10:27:27 AM): nope
The Diesel (10:27:35 AM): the pats have to win by a touchdown plus
JD (10:27:41 AM): but the pats score 38 every game
JD (10:27:45 AM): which leaves cinci with 15
The Diesel (10:28:05 AM): okay, let’s ride the backs of the cheaters… pats -7.5
JD (10:28:09 AM): ok
JD (10:28:19 AM): email those to me if you could
JD (10:28:26 AM): as they are my lbs picks too
The Diesel (10:28:27 AM): yup
The Diesel (10:28:39 AM): i think we should post this IM on the blog
JD (10:28:43 AM): thanks
The Diesel (10:28:43 AM): it could be funny
JD (10:28:51 AM): ok good plan
JD (10:28:58 AM): wrote article # 2 for jcu yesterday
The Diesel (10:29:01 AM): can you do it, since I can’t from work?
JD (10:29:08 AM): its our version of tip of the cap, wag of the finer
JD (10:29:09 AM): finger
The Diesel (10:29:11 AM): make sure our IMs and names aren’t included
JD (10:29:33 AM): ok
The Diesel (10:29:33 AM): and make sure the games are listed with point spreads, so people know what we’re talking about
JD (10:29:46 AM): yeah i dont have time before having to go to ec
JD (10:29:50 AM): but i’ll do it when i get back
JD (10:29:59 AM): when im dying from running with these mf’ers
The Diesel (10:30:01 AM): cool. i can edit when i get home if need be, too
JD (10:30:04 AM): ok
The Diesel (10:30:11 AM): enjoy ec
JD (10:30:13 AM): hey by the way, set up a blog name for our roommate [JB]
The Diesel (10:30:14 AM): i gots to work
JD (10:30:16 AM): call him jb
The Diesel (10:30:22 AM): sure
JD (10:30:23 AM): thanks
The Diesel (10:30:27 AM): send me his email address
JD (10:30:30 AM): also real quick, about the article yesterday
The Diesel (10:30:44 AM): email that to me, if you will
JD (10:30:48 AM): our tip… wag…
JD (10:30:54 AM): we decided on HIGH FIVE, FAUX FIVE
JD (10:31:02 AM): and we did it about first dates
JD (10:31:06 AM): i’ll post it to the blog if you want too
The Diesel (10:31:11 AM): nice
The Diesel (10:31:14 AM): go for it
JD (10:31:18 AM): so it’s gonna be recurring
The Diesel (10:31:27 AM): exxxxcellent
JD (10:31:36 AM): FAUX five!
JD (10:31:41 AM): love it, so funny
The Diesel (10:31:50 AM): ridiculous
The Diesel (10:31:56 AM): i’m pretty happy with these picks
The Diesel (10:31:58 AM): strangely
JD (10:31:59 AM): me too
JD (10:32:00 AM): i know
JD (10:32:09 AM): maybe b/c we took a second to do them
The Diesel (10:32:11 AM): we need gas money for vegas, baby!
JD (10:32:16 AM): vegas baby, vegas
The Diesel (10:32:30 AM): it’ll be here before you know it
The Diesel (10:32:52 AM): oh, as usual, i’m just using the vegas o/u for our total points tie breaker
JD (10:33:04 AM): did u see i beat tommy boy [in fantasy football this week], btw
The Diesel (10:33:33 AM): how’d that happen?
JD (10:33:59 AM): by one point when they adjusted
JD (10:34:00 AM): i don’t know
JD (10:34:10 AM): i think they gave romo one more point
JD (10:34:27 AM): ok im out
JD (10:34:30 AM): see ya
The Diesel (10:34:52 AM): l8r
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08.06.07
Posted in Celebrities, Sports, JD at 9:07 am by jd
A little bit of this, a little bit of that…
I have comments on some sports Headlines from this morning and over the weekend.
1: Brady Quinn’s Holdout
Can anyone tell me why this is a national story? The kid was picked 22nd in the draft and is the lowest first round draft pick that is unsigned. Now I understand, Darrelle Revis is a Cornerback, and that position is much less difficult (and lower profile) to learn and therefore, Revis missing camp is not as big a deal, but what about the NUMBER ONE pick Jamarcus Russell? Has the fact that he’s still holding out escaped everyone’s minds? Even Greeny on Mike & Mike in the morning commented to the effect of, “usually the big story would be the number one pick in the draft not signing, but not in this case.” Why? What is it about Brady Quinn that makes him “a pretty big deal?” Does he have many leather-bound books? Does his new home smell of rich mahogany? I don’t know, but any headline that degrades Cleveland is a winner apparently.
2. Tiger Woods Silences Rory Sabbatini
The fact that Rory even made a comment like, “He’s looks as beatable as ever” shows just how great Tiger Woods is. That comment is derogatory? It’s not like he said, “Tiger is terrible. He’s lost it.” This is simply saying that Tiger is slumping and it MIGHT give someone else a chance. This whole situation is a matter of media spinning some off the cuff comment in order to try and create a story where there is none. Tiger self-motivates as well as, if not better than, any other athlete in the world, that’s why he’s a great as he is. Come on now, saying he’s as beatable as ever when he’s been dominant all along? That’s like saying Roger Clemens stuff isn’t as sharp as it was 5 years ago in his first outing back this year. No kidding! It’s called rust, and as we’ve seen, it can be washed off.
3. Spurrier Upset Over Denial of Recruits’ Admission
This article shows everything that is wrong in the world of college athletics. These kids are Student-Athletes. Student comes first. So when Spurrier signed two kids who had bad grades last winter to athletic scholarships, maybe the first thing he should have said to them was, “Get your damn grades up.” He didn’t, apparently, and they didn’t, obviously, and now they are stuck scrambling for somewhere else to play (and maybe attend class). Spurrier has no one to blame for the rejection of the two recruits but the two recruits. I applaud South Carolina for not giving potential football players preferential treatment. The second that school lowers their standards is the second the institution slips. Remember, Coach, without the institution, you have no team to coach anyway. Tell your kids to get their grades up and this won’t be a problem. Come on, it’s not like high school is brain surgery. Do your homework and worst case scenario you end up with low C’s. Tip of the Cap to the Admissions Department at the University of South Carolina; Wag of the Finger to Steve Spurrier.
MISCELLANEOUS:
Barry Bonds tied Hank Aaron with his 755th home run in San Diego the other night, and from the looks of it, was about half an inch from breaking that record in his very next at bat. No, not half an inch in ball travel, half an inch in bat on ball. He took a hellacious cut at a fast ball over the middle and just got under it enough that he fouled it back. The boo birds were out as Barry stepped to the plate for each appearance, then gave him a standing ovation (and deservedly so. Praise now, chastise later) after 755 and boo’d there own pitcher after each walk. Double Standard? Hmm.
A-Rod hits 500 and it’s just about as big a deal as the other “500″ was this year (Frank Thomas), which is to say, it wasn’t. Now no offense to the Big Hurt, but this 500 is significant because it’s probably the precursor to 757 (or whatever that number will be when Bonds retires), and for that, we will praise A-Rod. Unless Jose Canseco intervenes, and he says he will. Sore loser.
Tom Glavine gets win number 300 and it couldn’t have happened to a better guy. This was the best moment of the weekend and I’m sorry I fell asleep before the game ended. Congrats to the third best pitcher for the Atlanta Braves during their 1990’s domination (Maddux, Smoltz), you deserve it.
I won’t spoil this for you, but let me just say, unequivocally and loudly, “Not Surprised!”
Congratulations also to John Clayton for being enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. It’s a testament to all of his hard work over the years. Now, if we can just get him some Rogaine…
Be well.
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08.02.07
Posted in Life, Celebrities, Television, JD at 3:58 pm by jd
Guys, as a rule, like to watch certain things on the television. Basically, if you can gross us out, make us laugh or get us on the edge of our seat (one way or another, are you listening Jessica Alba?), then we’ll accept and embrace what we’re seeing. There are exceptions to this rule. They are the following: Baseball (the real sweet science), Jeopardy (especially Teen Week so we can pretend we’re smart, plus the obvious, Nerdy Chicks) and anything with a character modeled after, or played by, Wayne Brady.
That is all. That’s it. No more.
These three exceptions, though, do not take into account what happens when a girl enters the picture. With a girl comes reality TV, “E! True Entertainment Access Hollywood Story Tonight,” the View, Dr. Phil and, if you’re REALLY lucky, LC from Laguna Beach.
There are definite exceptions made to the remote control rule when you have a girlfriend, boys, and this will be the first in a series of posts about some of the places your television channel switching may stop if you are blessed with a significant other.
Every Tuesday night last summer and every Wednesday night so far this Summer, my television has been stuck on FX from 10:00 to 11:00 PM (EDT). I’ve been observing the tale of a middle aged fireman named Tommy Gavin, portrayed by Denis Leary, whose dysfunctional family causes him more grief than Cleveland Cavaliers fans after the selection of Luke Jackson in the first round a few years back. Let me just catch you up to speed real quick:
Tommy lives with his ex-wife Janet and 10ish month old baby boy who has no name and his pre-pubescent daughter Katy. His 18 year old daughter Colleen has recently moved out of the house, choosing instead to live in a studio apartment with her destitute rocker boyfriend. His other small child was killed off by a drunk driver at the end of Season 1 (or 2, I don’t know). He has recently been involved in a massive house fire accidentally started by his ex-girlfriend (Sheila, who happened to the be widow of his cousin) and is fresh off a relationship with his slain brother’s ex-wife Angie who he was dating out of spite because his brother was at the time living with his ex-wife Janet (who Tommy now lives with) but in reality Tommy was sneaking around having an affair with Janet that neither Johnnie (the brother) nor Angie knew about. Oh, and did I mention that the nameless baby boy from earlier in this paragraph may or may not really be Johnnie’s kid or that Sheila has offered a half million dollars (that she got when her husband was killed in 9/11) to Tommy for custody of the (one way or another) bastard child?
Did you catch all that?
Welcome to one of the thousands of storylines going on in the FX Original Series “Rescue Me.” This is only part of Tommy’s life and doesn’t scratch the surface of his problems (that include alcoholism, anger issues and lately, ED), let alone the problems of all the other characters. Let me try to sum up in list form:
In The Firehouse:
1 - Lt. Kenneth Shea or “Lou” - Recently broke up with a nymphomaniacal ex-Nun because he wants more than just a physical relationship.
2 - Franco - Engaged to a hot mid 20’s chick (Natalie) who’s brother (Richie) has a rare form of Tourette’s that makes him exclaim the “N” word randomly for no apparent reason AND Franco has a daughter (Keela) who was basically kidnapped by 61 year old Susan Sarandon after her relationship with Franco ended (yeah Franco is 30ish and they dated, ewww) but Franco’s cool with it because she takes better care of Keela anyway, but now they want to be back in Franco’s life.
3 - Garrity - Married to Tommy’s alcoholic sister, Maggie, but getting a divorce because she watches porn too much and so he’s forced to stay with Mike and in the process burns down Mike’s Mom’s house. Also is being forced out of his first name (Sean) by the new Probationary Fireman because the new guy, who’s actual name is Bart, wants to be called Sean. And Bart/Sean/Probie is a great basketball player so they are appeasing him for the sake of the Station Basketball team.
4 - Mike - The newest full timer. A bi-curious guy who just was asked by his Mom to kill her, but she died of natural causes the night he was planning on doing it. He never changed anything about her house because it was how he remembered her until Garrity burned it down.
5 - The Chief - Just got the job as Chief of this house, because the longtime Chief had a heart attack, failed his physical to get the job back, got a desk job and decided to kill himself rather than accept the desk job.
I’d go into the “outside the firehouse” characters, but this is too long as it is.
Welcome to the show. There are way too many angles to follow. It literally took me all of Season 3 to get “caught up.” Then at the beginning of Season 4, I was lost again, because old characters came up. Good Lord. The show is more confusing and harder to figure out than a Rubix Cube to a color blind guy.
So how do I feel about Rescue Me? Well, it, as in any program, has its ups and downs. Denis Leary is great in his character at times, but awful at others. Up until the most recent episode, he couldn’t handle the emotional low points, but, in typical Leary fashion, knocked out the comedy. We may have had a turning point with the lead character and for the first time I see the potential the show has to offer, when you finally get everything sorted out.
I have one main qualm with the show, and it is incredibly gigantic. The show employs the “Pay it Forward” technique of creating tragic situations for young kids (you thought I meant casting Bon Jovi didn’t you? Shame on you). You had Tommy’s son killed by a drunk driver (100% against this), you constantly have babies killed off in fires (yes it happens, no not with the frequency Rescue Me would have you believe), you have the nameless baby saga, and I won’t even bring up the latest wrinkle in that plot. If you need a powerful cliff hanging end to your show, create it through great writing, not contrite and ill fated story ideas. If we want to see kids being killed by their parents’ stupidity or drunk drivers, we’ll turn on the news.
After watching the four minute intro to this week’s episode, I had extremely high hopes that the writers had learned to balance drama and prose into an effective emotional weave. I didn’t even have a problem with the death of some kids. Usually the firefighting scenes are so over the top unbelievable (an entire side wall of a building gives out causing our heroes to plunge 5 stories down and out the building and none are injured) or extremely dull that they add very little, if anything, to the show. This was never more evident a problem than last week, where they completed omitted an “on the job” scene.
However, this opening sequence was believable, moving and really showed that even though firemen risk their lives at times, their heroic efforts can go for naught, even if they don’t realize it at the time. It really lent credibility to the writers. The guys ran into the burning building, not knowing if people were alive or dead, but trying to save them anyway, even if their own health was at risk. This was shown through the eyes of the new Probie, who visibly second guessed his decision to enter this career.
All the guys were shaken by this event, but came through it together and grew because of it. These are all truths shown throughout the show. If the show can consistently capture this magic, it has a very good chance to turn into an outstanding “edge of your seat” show. I’ll even recommend to a few guys.
If and when though, folks, if and when.
If Rescue Me can be consistent, I’ll be the first to praise its growth. For now, it’s stuck on the list of “The TV Only Stops Here for Her.” It’s getting better.
Feel free to comment with questions about the storylines, I know they’re a bit confusing.
Be Well.
Permalink
08.01.07
Posted in Sports, JD at 1:23 pm by jd
A timeline, in reverse chronological order.
Sunday, July 29, 2007 - The unthinkable happens.
August 2004 - Tim Couch is cut after a not-so-300 like battle with Doug Pederson for the position of Brett Favre’s personal bitch, I mean back up.
April(ish) 1999 - Tim Couch is drafted number one overall by fledgling franchise, the Cleveland Browns. It starts…
Ok that’s the short version of Tim Couch’s life as a professional football player. Here goes the longer version, wait, no one cares.
Tim Couch was one of 5 quarterbacks taken in the top 12 selections in the first round of the 1999 NFL draft; a draft that at the time, was to be one of the strongest classes for quarterbacks of all time. Oops. Take a listen to these names and laugh: Donovan McNabb (ok, he’s a good QB, but he flakes out every year in the playoffs and his biggest accomplishment in the NFL has been several spots promoting Chunky Soup), Akili Smith, Cade McNown and Daunte Culpepper.
Lets dwell on Daunte for a minute. Give credit where its due, the guy utilized his Hall of Fame caliber receiver (Randy Moss) when he had the chance, but he has made zero headlines for scoring since Moss jetted for “greener” pastures (the infamous “Love Boat” incident notwithstanding). Just how far has this guy’s stock dropped? Well, the Jacksonville Jaguars chose to fork over a potential half million dollars plus to a guy that last played in the NFL 3 years ago rather than potentially give Culpepper a one year contract. And Daunte’s newest plight? Banishment to the hell that is Oakland, California during football season to stand behind an Offensive Line that couldn’t block odor with a Speed Stick.
But Tim Couch is back in the NFL, at least for the moment. He gets no money guaranteed and thus he’ll have to beat out 5th year reserve, Quinn Gray, a man who went to Florida A&M and is currently injured. If he can’t make this team, you can close the book on his career faster than a Potter-phile can finish “The Deathly Hallows.”
I don’t know about you, but I’m rooting for Tim Couch. He deserves the money, if not the pride, he’ll earn from getting back to the bigs. The beating he took in Cleveland was enough to make any man question his career, and still he fights. Like a cancer patient starting chemo, he fights. Like Barry Bonds in Federal Court, he fights. Like Britney Spears with paparazzi, he fights.
God and Roger Goodell willing, he’ll win.
Be well.
Permalink
07.26.07
Posted in Celebrities, Music, Life, Television, Movies, News, Sports, JD at 2:40 pm by jd
A little bit of this, a little bit of that…
Great post today by AJ. Consider it my muse for the following, musings. Too much muse, sorry. Sorry, Rick Reilly, I’m stealing your column idea. Apologies also to Oleander for stealing their line.
“We’re here to be there when our kid has three goals and an assist. And especially when he doesn’t.”
– Rick Reilly
We’re here to donate to a cause we believe in, even if it means buying a burrito that has the proceeds donated to the Urban Learning Garden; and even if it DOESN’T mean donating to a Church. Your beliefs are your own, and you are entitled. Just don’t express them around me because I might not agree with you, and if not, you are wrong!
We’re here to bitch at the referees, throw a pillow at the television, call our “favorite” players and coaches the most grotesque names in the book, then ask them for an autograph when we see them at a restaurant. AFTER they finish eating.
We’re here to hate our job, but know that, God willing, it is leading us to something better.
We’re here to be entertained, to think and to be moved to tears. Jimmy V says you should laugh, think and cry everyday, and I think he knew what he was talking about. By the way, we are here to NEVER give up. I will fight, today I win.
We are here to judge you. It’s human nature. Wedge, Brown, Crennel, Vick, Pacman, Donaghy, Stern, Goodell, Selig, Bonds, Lohan, Spears, Hilton we are judging you right now. Get over it. The first thing we do when we talk to someone on the phone, see them in person or otherwise communicate with them is size them up. We just usually don’t publicize our judgment. Well guess what? You put yourself into the public domain, we put our judgment into the public domain. You don’t have to preside over a court to have that right.
We are here to laugh at George Bush when he says, “Too many OB/GYN’s aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country” and then freak out when we realize he doesn’t get what he just said. Oh, and he’s our president.
We are here to play Coed sports, to win a Rec basketball league and feel good about ourselves, to mock people that blatantly ask for it, to agree with Carlos Mencia, to go see a “little kids” movie on opening night and then sneak into something else after for a double feature. We’re here to spoil the people we care about. We’re here to drink enough once that we never want to drink again. We’re here to make a kid feel good about himself, and we’re here to grin uncontrollably when a baby smiles at us.
We’re here to ridicule people who write about babies.
We’re here to associate ourselves with a character from Winnie the Pooh, or a Disney Princess or decide who gets to be Vince amongst our group of friends. We’re here to act like we’re one of the gang when we talk about last week’s episode. We’re here for “Let’s hug it out!” and “What is the deal with lamp shades?” and a Bill Cosby lecture that’s five minutes too long, but absolutely perfect. We’re here to get excited when superduperstars make cameos. “Is that something you might be interested in?”
We’re here to say please and thank you. We’re here to laugh at farts. We’re here to embellish our stories so that no one believes them, but heck, it makes us feel good. We’re here to give a speech that we are completely unprepared for, knock it out of the park and then treat ourselves to a nice lunch after.
We are here to start a slow clap, to give a big pump up speech, to pick up our opponent when we knock them to the ground and to tip our cap when they deserve it. We’re here to fall flat on our face. We’re here to sleep in the bed we’ve made.
We’re here to fall off the horse. We are here to get back on.
We’re here to post endless blogs and not give a damn what anyone else thinks.
“VICTORY!!!”
Be well.
Permalink
07.24.07
Posted in Life, JD at 3:33 pm by jd
It’s been called the biggest day in a girl’s life. It’s the day when she gets to hand pick the people that will be staring at her. For some girls this is a tremendously big deal because they don’t get that kind of attention often. These “Ugly Ducklings” are transformed into a swan for the big day and for a moment, all is right in their world. For other girls, it’s just another day to be prettier than you, the “royal you” (even though she’s the Princess).
Well I’ve been to my share of weddings. I’ve seen girls from both sides of the spectrum revel and bask in being the center of attention, and most of them have been fantastic. They deserve it on their day. The grooms, by and large, don’t give a crap as long as their woman is content. We’ll leave it at that.
The thing is, when you plan a wedding, please, please, PLEASE keep the, umm, crowd(?) in mind. There are several things that can (and will) destroy your wedding, and you probably didn’t think of them, despite your detail oriented planning.
First and foremost, start on time. There is nothing worse than making people wait for you, especially when they paid money to get here and spend their time for you. They probably even threw some cash in a generic card they got at CVS on their way to the ceremony. The least you can do is honor that “One Thirty in the Afternoon on the Thirty-First of Smarch in the Lord’s year of Two Thousand Sixty-Nine.” [Side note: The Lord’s year?]
Moving forward with a Christian ceremony, we come to the readings. As a rule, if it’s from the book of Sirach, make sure it doesn’t talk about a gracious wife being a servant. Why, you ask? Because the moment you get into the brunt of this reading, each and every male in attendance between the ages of 15 and 31 will begin to snicker something in the vein of “And may your Pimp Hand remain strong.” Nothing kills the emotion of a beautiful ceremony like immaturity and choosing from this Book of the Bible sets yourself up for failure.
Along these same lines, inform the [insert Priest/Pastor/Rabbi/other appropriate Religious cleric here] to keep his preaching short and preferrably personal to the two of you as a couple. Noted: This works best if you’ve been a longtime member of the Church. If you are choosing to get married outside of a traditional religious setting, don’t worry about this part. For the sake of honesty, I’ll be forthright. We do not want to hear about the missions going on in Kenya or Indonesia and how the Priest has seen unconditional love in so many different ways, but that he can tell your servitude towards each other will stand the test of time. We don’t care. I was at a wedding this past week where the Priest spoke specifically with a message of small deeds being key to a successful marriage, noting two examples from the parents of both the bride and groom. That was committment to the speech. Good job by him, it was also under 5 minutes which is quite respectable.
Little kids can spoil a wedding with sudden outbursts. This, too, will make all the guys laugh and focus will be drawn off of the bride and how dare you! Simple fix, make absolutely sure there is a “cry room” or simply do not invite small children to the ceremony.
Establish clear parameters if you are using a full Ceremony. If people are not of your Faith, they probably should not be dining on your Lord, just ask Dane Cook. Make sure everyone is communicated to as to what parts they participate in, and when they should just sit out a few plays. We don’t need the Ryan Seacrest guy who just jumps in everywhere despite not belonging or being welcome. Go away, Seacrest. Go away.
Two more things and the mass nitpicking will be done. I love the presentation of flowers to Mary (Catholics). I love the smashing of the glass under your foot (Jews). I love the fat people prancing around (Greeks, ok I can’t back that up). What I don’t love is when these specific traditions take a really long time. For example, Ave Maria (which should now, thanks to mainstream media, be reserved for use in Mob Movies and videogames) when sung behind the floral rite, should not be sung in its entirety. The song is nearly 7 minutes long and that is WAYYYYYY too much time to stare at a statue (or at two people staring at a statue which is staring back at the crowd). Use the first verse and end it. Also, please employ a cantor who can really wail, otherwise this will be dreadful.
Finally, be unlike anyone named Bush and have a solid Exit Strategy. Instead of having the entire recessional of the whole wedding party then sending some Groomsmen back into the fray to clear ground, just have each wedding party pairing act as ushers letting a few rows exit as they walk by. It’s really your best option, guys, considering it’s your only option.
The ceremony is an extremely large deal, despite the fact that fewer people show their smiling faces at this event than the reception. However, the key to a banging wedding is to have the guests enjoy themselves in the limbo that exists between ceremony and reception.
In the interval between the wedding and reception, provide options of things to entertain guests; it doesn’t have to be elaborate. Maybe request that your parents host people at their home for a clean bathroom and some sandwich trays. If you have a hotel arranged for your guests, see if they have a bar/restaurant/hall, etc. where people can mingle and yes, have a few beers. Double points for a free shuttle to the reception (always good if everyone can have fun and be safe). Even if it means just recommending to guests that they meet up in between the wedding and reception at the hotel to pop a few tops, this will be an extraordinary touch that leads to happiness with the wedding as a whole. Plus, it’ll provide Diesel more time to seal the deal with some married chick attending sans husband.
The actual reception is pretty hard to screw up. Avoid the following things: Bad food (always taste test prior to the date), a bad DJ (ask for references), bad lighting (you’ve got to be able to see what you’re eating), great lighting (the not cute chicks will appreciate that), any song ending in the word “Slide,” prewritten speeches and most of all, Cash Bars. Always use the following: red skinned potatoes, buffet style serving (you get to take the leftovers home), preferrably a television somewhere close by and absolutely a must, Bon Jovi. Do those things and you’re golden.
For final touches, promote the post Wedding party at the hotel, you’re guests will love you, and arrange for pizza to be delivered around Midnight. What a classy touch. In keeping with the food theme, have a morning (not too early) brunch the day after and visit with everyone you missed the night before. It really bookends and validates their trip up, plus it makes guests more apt to stay overnight, and as we’ve said, that helps the Diesel find a certain special someone.
Weddings are great. Or not. It’s up to you.
Be well.
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