06.03.08
Remember when they used to show pornography on planes?
Why is every movie on an airline a chick flick? This weekend on an American flight from Chicago to Los Angeles I sat through this alarmingly awful movie called “Definitely, Maybe.” I didn’t listen to the audio but I gather that the plot involves Ryan Reynolds being a massive tool.
Remember the good old days when they used to show pornography on the plane? The airline would serve its three course dinner centered around Beef Bourguignon and in between the first and second course they would start the feature. Occasionally you’d get a stinker like “Whorish Seduction” but more often than not you’d get treated to classics like “Asian Gangbang Sluts 5” or “Penetration Station” (you know, the one with trains). You’d be enjoying your delicious meal with plenty of legroom while the adult film starlet du jour gets probed anally by your classic hairy overweight male porn star. The time passed with ease and you got to your destination with a smile.
Nowadays, the flight attendants won’t even give you a handjob if you asked them, I think that’s plain wrong. You pay large fees, $15 to check a bag, $4 for a cookie, I think the least the service can do is to let you ejaculate all over their precious seats. Knowing them, they’d probably charge you a cleanup fee. This isn’t like the good old days.
The bigger problem is if the airline will stop showing men pounding on women doggiestyle and stop blowing their customers then I fear this reduction in service quality will trickle down to other aspects of society. Pretty soon, it will be illegal to urinate in the corner of a Denny’s or to eat bald eagle heads while skinny dipping at the Holiday Inn. The freedom to do such things is what makes America great.
The easy party to blame for all this would be American Airlines. And sure it’s easy to blame the Moral Majority for treating us like children who shouldn’t eat steak with our graphic sexual content. But, I think the problem runs deeper. No the real culprit is corporate bigwigishness and its culture of greed. Because of them, pornography as in-flight entertainment is seen as an extra as opposed to a necessity. Because of them, airlines realize if they cut back on such amenities they can save a few pennies, leading to the reduction in the number of circus clowns on planes and the almost total eradication of mud wrestling on cross-country ventures. Because of them, buying drugs from the flight attendants is almost non-existent nowadays. It almost isn’t worth it to get on a plane anymore.
But I can’t dwell on the past and reminisce about the good old days. Gas is nearly $8 a gallon and it’s not even legal to steal it anymore. It’s a different time, a different economy. But no matter what the airlines take away from me, I’ll always have the time that I saw three girls bring out a three-headed dildo on a red-eye to Rochester. Yeah, those were the good old days.
–TR
