04.15.08

The Jordanesque Ambre of Rock of Love 2

Posted in Music, Life, Celebrities, Television, Sports, Tommy Boy at 3:29 pm by tommyboy

So this year’s edition of Rock of Love, Rock of Love 2 with Brett Michaels, ended on Sunday with Ambre taking the crown as Brett’s “rock of love.” Amidst a sea of skanks, media-whores, and women of ill repute, Ambre displayed class, poise, and the perfect dose of sexiness to woo the lead singer of Poison. Her performance was undeniably a thing of beauty. One may even call it Jordanesque. In fact, Ambre’s rise to “rock of love” status has a distinct correlation to the career of Michael Jordan. As Michael Jordan established himself as the most prolific basketball player of his generation, Ambre established herself as the greatest female suitor in the Rock of Love house.

Episode 1: When the women whore themselves out to Brett on their first day seeing him, Ambre stays back and chooses to stay above the fray. She almost gets cut from the show, but, stunningly, Jackye quits on her own and Ambre is given another chance.

Connection to MJ: Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, thus establishing his legend of overcoming an early obstacle

Episode 2: Ambre takes advantage of her second chance by being amongst the top three in the Peep Show, where the contestants had to demonstrate a talent for Brett. Ambre’s talent was “giving presents” so she wrapped herself up in a bow and unwrapped herself for Brett. This showed Brett that she was interested in him, that she was sexy, and that she was creative.

Connection to MJ: Jordan truly burst onto the scene early on when he hit the game winning shot in the NCAA Championship game as a Freshman against Georgetown. While Jordan was surrounded by stars much more highly touted than he (as was Ambre), Jordan established himself as a clutch performer.

Episode 3: Ambre fights hard but ultimately loses in the Roller Derby where they have to protect baby Brett. She stays above the fray when other girls try to interrupt Kristy Joe’s solo date

Connection to MJ: Probably the hardest direct correlation of the lot, but let’s compare this to Jordan falling to third in the 1984 NBA Draft. He wasn’t bitter or frustrated, but it put a chip on MJ’s shoulder so he could go out and prove he was the best.

Episode 4: Ambre continues to shine as her team wins the “motorcycle repair” challenge and Ambre gets to do a 50s style photo shoot. Ambre’s classic and classy beauty is perfect for the shoot. But the other bitches on her team, like Megan, contnue to rag and hate on her.

Connection to MJ: Jordan’s rookie year was nothing less of sensational. Jordan’s athleticism and ability to score coupled with a photo on the cover of Sports Illustrated with the title “A Star is Born” turns Jordan into the next superstar. He gets selected to the All-Star game but bitches on his team, like Isaiah Thomas, hate on him and try to freeze him out.

Episode 5: In the second annual Mud Bowl, Ambre clearly leads her team in an unlikely and epic athletic performance. Ambre squares off against Daisy (it really was between these two the whole time, wasn’t it?) with mud and blood flying. She gets injured but battles through. The game goes into overtime, but in the end Ambre loses.

Connection to MJ: Coming off an injury-plagued season, Jordan faces off against Larry Bird and the Boston Celtics in the Boston Garden for a memorable playoff game. Jordan puts in a record 63 points in an epic athletic performance. The game goes into overtime, but in the end Jordan loses.

Episode 6: After battling through her injuries, Ambre shines in the cowgirl competition, riding against a professional rider in Katherine, and her team wins. Jessica gets the MVP and the solo date. On the group date, while Ambre talks and connects with Brett emotionally, Kristy Joe steals the spotlight by making out hard with Brett in the “dinner in the dark.” But Ambre was winning Brett over as the most complete player in the game.

Connection to MJ: Jordan comes back the following season from his injury and puts up the most prolific numbers of his career, 37.1 ppg, over 200 steals and 100 blocks (first time in NBA history, 86% from the line and 48% from the field, but Magic Johnson won the MVP and the NBA title. Others would win titles and MVPs, but Jordan established himself as the most complete player in the game.

Episode 7: Ambre partners with Kristy Joe for a performance for war veterans. They lose, but Ambre comes through with one of her most clutch performances in the series. When Brett asks everyone at dinner which girls are there for the wrong reasons, all the girls hesitate to rock the boat with honesty, except for Ambre who takes a big shot at Kristy Joe. Ambre’s honesty was exactly what Brett wanted and she got the first VIP pass. She had frontrunner status from then on.

Connection to MJ: MJ took his own shot – known to the basketball world and especially to Cleveland fans as “The Shot”, hitting a straight-on jumper over Craig Ehlo at the buzzer of Game 5 in a first round series, propelling the Bulls to the next round of the playoffs. That game-winner established Jordan as the top clutch shooter in basketball and the most feared player with the ball in his hands.

Episode 8: In an episode where the girls have to make a music video, Ambre steps up and directs, and considering her limited resources did a very good job. Megan derisively says, “What does she think she is, Martin Scorsese?” but Ambre’s effort compared to the orgy masturbation video turned in by Daisy’s crew wins her a solo date with Brett where they connect on a spiritual level. Ambre is distancing herself from the competition, a passing of the torch of sorts from former frontrunner Daisy.

Connection to MJ: Jordan wins his first championship, adding leadership to his immense talents and pushing the Bulls past pre-AIDS Magic Johnson and the LA Lakers for the title. It was a passing of the torch from Magic to Michael, and MJ would never look back.

Episode 9: Ex-boyfriends infilrate the house and Ambre is expecting her ex-fiancee to dish dirt on her. To Ambre’s surprise, her best friend has come instead. While Brett gets dirt from ex-boyfriends, Ambre gets nothing but praise from her friend. In the same episode, a bombshell is dropped that Daisy still lives with her ex in a one-bedroom apartment. This will ultimately crush any chance Daisy has of winning Brett’s trust.

Connection to MJ: This is like when Jordan hit six three pointers in the first half of a Finals game in 1992, with 3 pointers not really the most noted part of his game, and threw his arms up to the announcers on the sideline. He didn’t know he had it in him and it seemed like Jordan was leading a charmed life. And Magic’s AIDS equals Daisy’s ex situation. She could never recover.

Episode 10: The girls go to Vegas and Ambre seemingly fades away, letting Daisy’s ex-relationship and Jessica’s drunkenness take the spotlight. Being out of the spotlight only seems to highlight her sanity and makes her stronger as a counterpoint to the other girls.

Connection to MJ: Jordan went away to play baseball. His absence from the game only seemed to highlight his importance to the game. Also, Michael Jordan did a little movie called “Space Jam” where he shined against several cartoonish characters in a ridiculous contest. That’s quite a parallel, isn’t it? (By the way, the Space Jam lineup of the greatest players in the game: Muggsy Bogues, Larry Johnson, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, and Shawn Bradley? First of all, the best players in the game? Really? And who’s the shooting guard? Grand-ma-ma? A quick team with good guard play destroys them. I could never take this film seriously.)

Episode 11: Ambre faces her toughest obstacle. Ambre’s dad reveals to Brett that she is 37. Problem is, she told Brett she was 32. Honesty, or lack thereof, thwarted girls’ chances in the past. But what does Ambre do? She tells Brett she loves him. She rises above. And then in the elimination, she lets Daisy take the hero role in outing Destiney’s lack of love for Brett.

Connection to MJ: Jordan overcomes the flu in game 5 of the 1997 Finals in one of the greatest single performances in NBA history, rising above adversity to will his team to victory. And then in the decisive game 6, Jordan passed up the game-winning shot to Steve Kerr.

Episode 12: In a head-to-head duel with Daisy, Ambre is called out as not being sexy. Ambre responds by delivering the death blow. She seduces Brett, gives him an erotic massage, declares at dinner that she wasn’t wearing underwear, and then shows the goods Basic Instinct style. What does Daisy do under pressure? She vomits on a boat. Not only is Ambre saner, she becomes sexier and willing to deliver under pressure. It was the performance that truly sealed Ambre’s legacy.

Connection to MJ: In a crucial back and forth deciding Game 6 of the 1998 Finals, Michael Jordan takes over the end of the game, which many suspect may be his last, stealing the ball and putting on an offensive exhibition in the last minute, culminating with a game-winning shot over Bryon Russell. It was the shot that could forever define his legacy.

Now it wasn’t truly the end of Michael Jordan’s career and the tour won’t end for Ambre either. Jordan sputtered as an owner and had a comeback in a Wizards jersey that many of us would like to forget. All I’m saying is, it might be really creepy if Ambre breaks up with Brett, later goes on to own a less successful band like, say, Winger, and then in a desperate attempt to revitalize the band starts dating Kip Winger. That amount of parallel would be frightening.

Permalink