01.04.08
Movie Drinking Pantheon
In the New Year 2008, I really want to write a lot more and this blog is one of the areas I want to improve on in terms of regularity. So one of my New Years resolutions was to write here every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. As with my resolutions to run at least three days a week (too tired from New Years) and to not get so drunk in public that I cause a scene and get scolded by the elderly (guilty), I already broke my resolution to write here more by being too hung over after attending the Rose Bowl. But I want to start and try to make this work. And what better subject to talk about than drinking:
I was watching this movie on Lifetime a while back called “The Party Never Stops: Diary of a Binge Drinker.” Now I don’t normally watch Lifetime movies (no really I don’t. Stop judging me.), but I saw a description at EW.com and thought the movie spoke to me on a personal level. It stars Sara Paxton (trying desperately to transition from child to adult roles) as Jesse Tanner, a high school track star who gets to college as a shy lass and begins drinking so that she can fit in. Nancy Travis plays her mother, apparently because So I Married an Axe Murderer 2 is still in preproduction after a dozen years or so, and grows worried when Jesse doesn’t answer her phone calls. You see, Jesse is now using alcohol as a crutch, which is bullshit because a crutch helps you walk. Jesse is determined and focused but enjoys going out with her friends and getting obliterated. These were the drinking highlights of Jesse’s Freshman year: take first drink in dorm room with the girls, get trashed at Frat party, go on double date with massive Senior tool, sleep with massive Senior tool on the first date, find out he has a girlfriend, get fake ID, sleep with random guy who doesn’t know her name, come back to dorm room after afternoon drinking to find mom there, go to San Diego for Spring Break and appear topless on the internet, fail to make the track team, have that awkward talk with mom about being topless on the internet, swear off drinking, say “fuck that” at frat party and crash car into fire hydrant, get arrested, swear off drinking again, find roommate dead from alcohol poisoning, write down a journal, sell rights to Lifetime. It’s like they were writing my story.
Movies that involve drinking have always been dear to my heart. I especially admire characters who drink well beyond the acceptable human limits to comedic or dramatic effect. When a character can consume a ridiculous amount of alcohol, that character, if he or she is lucky enough, can enter what I call The Movie Drinking Pantheon. These characters should be admired, respected for their willingness to say “Rehab’s for Quitters. Cirrhosis is Super.”
So here are the five original inductees to the Movie Drinking Pantheon, in no particular order:
Arthur (Dudley Moore) in Arthur - Arthur is a wealthy socialite who has lived his life like a kid. His family’s ultimatum forcing him to marry Susan, a woman he does not love, only causes him to drink more. And more. Until he’s staggering and stumbling through the whole film. Highlights include Arthur’s proposal scene at a fancy restaurant where his Scotch is in the middle of his white china plate instead of food, leaving a drink on the bumper of his car as he staggers to meet Linda, and collapsing at his wedding. Arthur’s diminutive size makes his drinking feats all the more impressive. Pound for pound, maybe the greatest drinker in cinema history.
Bluto Blutarsky (John Belushi) in Animal House - While Bluto drinks through most of this movie at a frighteningly awesome rate, what truly makes his drinking feats is drinking a whole bottle of Jack Daniels and smashing the bottle on a car saying, “Thanks, I needed that.” It’s hard enough to drink water from a glass that fast, let alone Tennessee whiskey from a bottle. Almost as impressive as a friend of mine in college who did a two beer beer bong in 1 .5 seconds. Seven years of pre-med or pre-law (what’s the difference) was time well spent for Bluto.
Ben Sanderson (Nicholas Cage) in Leaving Las Vegas - Here is a case to remind us that alcoholism is not just about laughs, it’s serious business too. Ben Sanderson has come to Las Vegas in order to drink himself to death. This is one of the activities that Vegas.com neglects to mention, but the ever-intuitive Sanderson decides to make his trip to Vegas a memorable one drinking-wise. He wakes up to a hard alcohol breakfast and stumbles through the day. Even the charms of the lovely prostitute Sera (Elizabeth Shue) cannot deter Ben from his dreams. For your dedication, Mr. Sanderson, I salute you. Wait, you’re saying this movie is not out to glorify drinking. Then I completely missed the point. Probably cause I was drunk playing the ever popular and lethal Leaving Las Vegas drinking game.
Willie/Santa (Billy Bob Thornton) in Bad Santa - When one measures alcoholic exploits, one often looks at consistency, speed, and also drinking when nobody thinks you should. Willie nails all of these categories. Not only does Willie drink constantly, but as evidenced by his shot after shot of tequila and by his full case polish-off before an early robbery, he is not merely a distance drinker. Drinking alcohol that you pour over a child’s gash and drinking before playing Santa Clause at the mall are great ways of upping the ante and drinking at inappropriate times. Willie’s lofty status in the pantheon of movie drinking is aided by his innate ability to urinate on himself. Clearly deserving our respect.
Ralph/Bernadette (Terence Stamp) in The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert - Sure, the drink-off in a bar between a cocky patron and the bar owner has been done. But where else has the patron been a cross-dressing transsexual? Bernadette proves her womanhood by standing up to the boys and outdrinking the bar’s rep. A huge upset for those that did not follow Bernadette on the bus through the desert like we did. Bernadette is as intimidating as she is ladylike and proves that great movie drunkenness is not just for men, it’s also for he-shes.
(Bet you didn’t think a post with the title “Movie Drinking Pantheon” would reference both a Lifetime movie and a movie about drag queens.)
There’s the initial five. Names can be added, but only if they show the ability to drink beyond human limits as demonstrated by these particular characters. Their performances will forever be cherished.