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01.23.08
Posted in Celebrities, Music, Life, Television, Movies, News, Sports, Tommy Boy at 7:25 pm by tommyboy
Dr. Phil has been criticized for his involvement in trying to help Britney Spears. Maybe Dr. Phil is an opportunist or maybe he truly cares, but the better question is “Would he help?” Would he be a good doctor for Ms. Spears to visit? So I’ve decided to compile a list of noted doctors. We’ll take a look at how they would treat Britney Spears and whether they would be a Good Doctor or a Bad Doctor.
Dr. Drew Pinsky
Treatment: Bring her into Celebrity Rehab where she can detox and discuss her problems with the guy from Taxi and a couple porn stars.
Analysis: The self-described addictionologist can help wean Britney off her drink of choice – Red Bull, Vodka, and Cherry NyQuil – and get her the medical attention she needs. But more importantly, she can take a look at the has-beens in front of her and improve her self-esteem by repeating to herself, “It’s Britney, bitch.” Would this make her more likely to believe she doesn’t really have a problem comparatively? Maybe. But Dr. Drew can show Britney barely living examples of where she could be if she doesn’t get her life in order. And his experience on Loveline can help her get out of the unhealthy relationship with Adnan Ghalib.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Doc Brown
Treatment: Transport Britney back to the start of her career so she can live her life differently.
Analysis: Doc Brown would sit Britney down in the Delorean and take her back to the late 90s, during “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” when she was still a virgin (insert winking emoticon) She would realize that she should keep better company, live a better lifestyle, realize she can do better than JT (that may be a stretch), and determine that her talents lie solely in her delicious late 90s ass. When she realizes people will get sick of her vocals and her crazy partying, she can channel her career into more acting roles, fitness videos, and any other thing she can more accurately copy from Madonna’s body of work.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. Laura
Treatment: Blame all Britney’s troubles on her kiss with Madonna and attempt to cure Britney of her homosexuality
Analysis: Dr. Laura’s diagnosis would not help because making Britney more heterosexual would make her more likely to pop out additional babies, and that’s only going to augment her problems because she has trouble taking care of the kids she already has. And two women kissing doesn’t necessarily make them homosexual, it makes them awesome.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Dre
Treatment: Try to revitalize Britney’s music career by laying down sick beats.
Analysis: Now here’s a solution! What better way to revitalize a music career than collaborating with one of the greatest producers in Hip Hop history. Also, it’s a way to get at ex-lover JT by working with Timbaland’s predecessor as the preeminent music producer. Successful music can ultimately improve Britney’s self-esteem to the point where she becomes a contributing member of society.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. 90210
Treatment: Improve Britney’s self-image through plastic surgery.
Analysis: Sadly, Britney would not benefit from Dr. 90210’s popular procedures. Breast augmentation is unnecessary since babies and ho-hos have already started that process. And any tummy tucks or lyposuction would be undone anytime the Cheesy Gordita Crunch is available at Taco Bell. Self image is always unstable when you consume the alcohol and drugs that she reportedly ingests.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. J
Treatment: Embarrass Britney into a more healthy lifestyle by posterizing her with thunderous yet graceful dunks
Analysis: The man who turned dunking into an art form when he transitioned from the ABA to the NBA would probably talk trash as he’s raining down slams and jams right in the Notorious B.S.’s face. While the rim-rocking display would be entertaining, it would more than likely not cure Britney of what ails her.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Giggles
Treatment: Torture Britney through unlicensed and often ironic use of medical equipment.
Analysis: There comes a time when drastic measures are necessary. And maybe a maniacal doctor taking revenge on the town that stoned his father to death is just the answer. Giggles’ witty pun-laden quips would get the message through Britney’s skull, most likely when he is jamming a sharp instrument through her skull.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. Pepper
Treatment: Provide cola refreshment with the extra kick provided by its 23 flavors.
Analysis: While surely refreshing and more accredited than competitor Mr. Pibb, Dr. Pepper would only remind Britney how much she likes her sugar-filled drinks to be complemented with Everclear or other alcoholic additives. She doesn’t need that.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Seuss
Treatment: Provide life lessons in simple colorful rhyme schemes
Analysis: Assuming Britney knows how to read, reading this children’s literature would be helpful in telling Britney how to behave like a good person instead of a skeezle, beezle, or bum. And as a bonus, if she reads these books with her children, she could look like a good mother even when she may not be one.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Juris Doctor
Treatment: Instill Britney with knowledge about laws so she becomes better at not breaking them.
Analysis: The more Britney learns about the law, the more she’s apt to actually break the law. For example, if she knew there was a law against public urination we would have seen her urinate in public already. She relishes the role of bad girl. It’s not her ignorance of the law that seems to be the problem, it’s her disdain for law.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Doc Martens
Treatment: Give Britney a swift kick in the ass.
Analysis: Simple. Straightforward. Effective.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. Atkins
Treatment: Improve Britney’s physical condition by prescribing a low-carb lifestyle.
Analysis: Reducing carbs will only remove the non-alcoholic portion of Britney’s mixed drink, which will most likely make her more drunk and thus more of a problem. Also, Britney does not seem like she would stick to the regimen because of a lack of discipline and a lack of understanding of what carbohydrates are (Wait, if it’s Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, does that, like, burn the carbohydrates off, y’all?)
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Scholl’s
Treatment: Give Britney’s feet a rest through shoe inserts that will have her “gellin’ like Magellan”
Analysis: After years of being on the road and shooting highly choreographed music videos, maybe more comfortable shoes would help Britney relax into a more comfortable lifestyle. She could regain the precise and mildly pornographic dance moves that catapulted her to super-stardom instead of the lazy, immobile moves she displayed at last year’s VMAs.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
The Spin Doctors
Treatment: Serenade her with such 90s alt-rock hits as “Two Princes” and “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong”
Analysis: While this jam band breaks out all the hits from their multi-platinum album Pocket Full of Kryptonite, Britney might realize that her music and subsequently her life, isn’t all that bad. I mean, they had their one album and faded into oblivion, while Britney keeps churning out hits even when she’s mentally unstable. To be honest, this is probably worse for The Spin Doctors. The fact that they would reunite and the best gig they can get is at Promises trying to convince Britney not to kill herself. It’s sad.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTORS
And finally. . .
Dr. Phil
Treatment: State the obvious to Britney in a slow Southern drawl so she can understand that what she’s doing is often stupid
Analysis: While Dr. Phil speaks the same language as Britney, his recommendations will probably fall on deaf ears because Britney knows mishandling her kids and abusing substances are bad for her. She just likes doing them. Some quack repeating it slowly in simple language isn’t a deterrent. It’s annoying.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
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01.04.08
Posted in Television, Movies, Tommy Boy at 7:24 pm by tommyboy
In the New Year 2008, I really want to write a lot more and this blog is one of the areas I want to improve on in terms of regularity. So one of my New Years resolutions was to write here every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. As with my resolutions to run at least three days a week (too tired from New Years) and to not get so drunk in public that I cause a scene and get scolded by the elderly (guilty), I already broke my resolution to write here more by being too hung over after attending the Rose Bowl. But I want to start and try to make this work. And what better subject to talk about than drinking:
I was watching this movie on Lifetime a while back called “The Party Never Stops: Diary of a Binge Drinker.” Now I don’t normally watch Lifetime movies (no really I don’t. Stop judging me.), but I saw a description at EW.com and thought the movie spoke to me on a personal level. It stars Sara Paxton (trying desperately to transition from child to adult roles) as Jesse Tanner, a high school track star who gets to college as a shy lass and begins drinking so that she can fit in. Nancy Travis plays her mother, apparently because So I Married an Axe Murderer 2 is still in preproduction after a dozen years or so, and grows worried when Jesse doesn’t answer her phone calls. You see, Jesse is now using alcohol as a crutch, which is bullshit because a crutch helps you walk. Jesse is determined and focused but enjoys going out with her friends and getting obliterated. These were the drinking highlights of Jesse’s Freshman year: take first drink in dorm room with the girls, get trashed at Frat party, go on double date with massive Senior tool, sleep with massive Senior tool on the first date, find out he has a girlfriend, get fake ID, sleep with random guy who doesn’t know her name, come back to dorm room after afternoon drinking to find mom there, go to San Diego for Spring Break and appear topless on the internet, fail to make the track team, have that awkward talk with mom about being topless on the internet, swear off drinking, say “fuck that” at frat party and crash car into fire hydrant, get arrested, swear off drinking again, find roommate dead from alcohol poisoning, write down a journal, sell rights to Lifetime. It’s like they were writing my story.
Movies that involve drinking have always been dear to my heart. I especially admire characters who drink well beyond the acceptable human limits to comedic or dramatic effect. When a character can consume a ridiculous amount of alcohol, that character, if he or she is lucky enough, can enter what I call The Movie Drinking Pantheon. These characters should be admired, respected for their willingness to say “Rehab’s for Quitters. Cirrhosis is Super.”
So here are the five original inductees to the Movie Drinking Pantheon, in no particular order:
Arthur (Dudley Moore) in Arthur - Arthur is a wealthy socialite who has lived his life like a kid. His family’s ultimatum forcing him to marry Susan, a woman he does not love, only causes him to drink more. And more. Until he’s staggering and stumbling through the whole film. Highlights include Arthur’s proposal scene at a fancy restaurant where his Scotch is in the middle of his white china plate instead of food, leaving a drink on the bumper of his car as he staggers to meet Linda, and collapsing at his wedding. Arthur’s diminutive size makes his drinking feats all the more impressive. Pound for pound, maybe the greatest drinker in cinema history.
Bluto Blutarsky (John Belushi) in Animal House - While Bluto drinks through most of this movie at a frighteningly awesome rate, what truly makes his drinking feats is drinking a whole bottle of Jack Daniels and smashing the bottle on a car saying, “Thanks, I needed that.” It’s hard enough to drink water from a glass that fast, let alone Tennessee whiskey from a bottle. Almost as impressive as a friend of mine in college who did a two beer beer bong in 1 .5 seconds. Seven years of pre-med or pre-law (what’s the difference) was time well spent for Bluto.
Ben Sanderson (Nicholas Cage) in Leaving Las Vegas - Here is a case to remind us that alcoholism is not just about laughs, it’s serious business too. Ben Sanderson has come to Las Vegas in order to drink himself to death. This is one of the activities that Vegas.com neglects to mention, but the ever-intuitive Sanderson decides to make his trip to Vegas a memorable one drinking-wise. He wakes up to a hard alcohol breakfast and stumbles through the day. Even the charms of the lovely prostitute Sera (Elizabeth Shue) cannot deter Ben from his dreams. For your dedication, Mr. Sanderson, I salute you. Wait, you’re saying this movie is not out to glorify drinking. Then I completely missed the point. Probably cause I was drunk playing the ever popular and lethal Leaving Las Vegas drinking game.
Willie/Santa (Billy Bob Thornton) in Bad Santa - When one measures alcoholic exploits, one often looks at consistency, speed, and also drinking when nobody thinks you should. Willie nails all of these categories. Not only does Willie drink constantly, but as evidenced by his shot after shot of tequila and by his full case polish-off before an early robbery, he is not merely a distance drinker. Drinking alcohol that you pour over a child’s gash and drinking before playing Santa Clause at the mall are great ways of upping the ante and drinking at inappropriate times. Willie’s lofty status in the pantheon of movie drinking is aided by his innate ability to urinate on himself. Clearly deserving our respect.
Ralph/Bernadette (Terence Stamp) in The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert - Sure, the drink-off in a bar between a cocky patron and the bar owner has been done. But where else has the patron been a cross-dressing transsexual? Bernadette proves her womanhood by standing up to the boys and outdrinking the bar’s rep. A huge upset for those that did not follow Bernadette on the bus through the desert like we did. Bernadette is as intimidating as she is ladylike and proves that great movie drunkenness is not just for men, it’s also for he-shes.
(Bet you didn’t think a post with the title “Movie Drinking Pantheon” would reference both a Lifetime movie and a movie about drag queens.)
There’s the initial five. Names can be added, but only if they show the ability to drink beyond human limits as demonstrated by these particular characters. Their performances will forever be cherished.
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01.01.08
Posted in Big D at 7:34 pm by Big D
Miss an episode of your favorite show? Unable to see Flight of the Conchords without HBO? The TV thing is pretty cool, but it’s a little more “underground”. You’ll need a little software to get started.
1. A BitTorrent client. This is the program that will do the downloading. Torrents work by downloading little pieces of large files from lots of different computers on the net.
http://download.utorrent.com/1.7.5/utorrent.exe
2. The proper CODECs to be able to view the videos. CODECs are like magic decoder rings that tell your computer how to interpret the various way in which video is encoded. The best thing to use for this is the CCCP, available at the following address:
http://cccp-project.net/download.php?type=cccp
Next, you need to find the Torrent files that will tell your client how to download things… The best site for this is The Pirate Bay (TPB):
http://thepiratebay.org/tv
There are also movies, programs & now music on TPB… Basically you just look for what you want & then download it. Speeds will vary based on how many other people have the file that you want available for download; some are really fast, others will take a while.
There are even ways to subscribe to RSS feeds of the shows you like, so that they’ll automatically be downloaded whenever there is a new episode. Pretty crazy.
There is a way that you can burn these to a CD or DVD for playback in your standard player (so that you can watch it on your TV instead of your PC)… I haven’t really done that though since I’ve got a pretty big monitor. Search the net or check out the software that came with your DVD ROM.
One final note is that since this is kind of the underground of the internet, you should have an up-to-date virus scanner running on your computer. 
If you don’t have one you can get one for free here:
http://free.grisoft.com/doc/2/
have fun!
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