11.11.07
Legs and Breasts!
Thanksgiving time is rapidly approaching and the Socks were sitting around discussing how much better their Turkey Weekend is than yours. Yes, we said Turkey WEEKEND. It starts with a night at the bar (don’t they all) and ends with, uhh, a night at the bar. But in between, there is a birthday (Jay’s) a football game (Turkey Bowl) and the beginning of the most wonderful time of the year (Christmas Season).
About the time we were thinking of an idea for how to write this column, Jay had just finished watching Disney movies all day. Jay walked downstairs and the following exchange took place:
Jay – Dude, how good are Disney movies?
Adam – Almost as good as Thanksgiving.
Together – DISNEY THEMED THANKSGIVING COLUMN!
And there it was, we had our plan. We will now detail our Thanksgiving itinerary in musical soundtrack form (CD available on Virgin Records). Sing the songs to the tune of your Disney Musical Favorites! (NOTED: This is funnier if you listen to the tunes while reading).
On Wednesday, Thanksgiving break starts, and the Socks go out to the beautiful bars of Amherst, Ohio for the first of three times in the next 4 days.
“We Just Can’t Wait for Drinking” (to the tune of “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King” – Lion King)
It’s gonna be a crazy night,
So single Mom’s beware.
Set your mind to “Shock and Awe,”
And read on if you dare.
It’s only just the first event,
We open the bar door.
We’re dressing up, we’re gettin’ down,
And drinking lots of Coors!
(Thus far we hope that we are inspiring.)
Oh we just can’t wait for drinking!
Our friends saying “Drink this.”
Our friends saying “Get here!”
No one saying “Stop that!”
Everyone shouting “Drink Beer!” (DRINK BEER!)
Free of classes for three days,
Now we’ll drink them all away.
Thursday is Turkey Day and Jay’s Birthday! It’s family with all the fixin’s.
“Legs and Breasts” (tune of “Be Our Guest” – Beauty and the Beast)
Legs and breasts, legs and breasts,
Not naughty like they’d suggest.
Stack your plate with taters and turkey
Then dig into the mess.
Dinner’s served,
Quite the bird,
30 pounds! Why, that’s absurd!
Try the gravy, it’s delicious,
Thick and creamy; not nutritious.
Got meat sweats and painful cramps,
Time to find some bigger pants,
And the dinner here is never second best!
There’s just a single menu,
At our happy venue,
Legs and breasts,
Legs and breasts,
LEGS AND BREASTS!
Friday is an event we have aptly named “Turkey Crawl.” It’s when the Socks parade around Amherst (for the 2nd time) with friends and family, hopping (or crawling) from one bar to the next in joyful exuberance. They start at an old time pizza parlor and walk the streets from there. A secondary purpose of Turkey Crawl is to ensure we are all hungover in preparation for the Saturday morning football game. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves…
“Turkey Crawl-ing” (tune of “Under the Sea” – The Little Mermaid)
The pizzas are always better,
After the first few drinks,
We eat lots of pepperoni,
Then into the booze we sink.
We walk to the bars around us,
At each one we will drink more.
When wonderful friends surround us,
How could you want much more?
Turkey crawling, turkey crawling!
This night is greater as it gets later;
Take it from me.
We drink a lot of PBR,
‘Cause it’s a dollar at the bar,
Shoot Kamikazes,
Jim, Jack and Johnny,
Turkey Crawling!
It makes all the wives unhappy,
As through the streets we stroll,
The weather is always crappy,
But beer shields us from the cold.
The end of the night is lucky,
The D.D. is really great,
The crawlers are getting hungry,
And Taco Bell’s open late!
Turkey crawling, turkey crawling!
You will not beat us,
Try and out drink us,
That’s just crazy!
Back to the hot tub we will go,
Then we will pass out in the snow,
We’ll be hungover,
When it’s all over,
Turkey crawling!
Finally! Turkey Bowl Saturday is upon us; and it is glorious! This epic game between the old guys and the young guns is unathletic at its core, and entertaining to the end. It is the highlight of everyone’s weekend. Nay, it is the highlight of everyone’s year! (For more information, check out www.lcturkeybowl.org. Not to shamelessly plug one of our websites.) (Make sure you see the links on the website to the other websites such as blog.looselybasedfilms.com)
One Jump Ahead (of the Fat Guys) – (tune of “One Jump Ahead” – Aladdin)
Gotta keep,
One jump ahead of the fat guys,
I feel sick, but I’m gonna score,
I swear, I’m never gonna drink no more!
(and that’s a lie)
One rush, an awkward tackle,
I’m down, “Hey that’s my junk!”
My God, I think that I still am drunk!
(Half back, trick pass, defense, take that!)
Just a quick smoke break, guys,
Oh my God I think I might die!
Be back in a jiff, gotta get some snacks,
And then we can start Game 2.
When all is said and done, we can look back on the weekend and the great times had by all; and that leaves us but one thing to do: start talking trash for next year. Happy Holidays!
Come Have a Drink With Me – (tune of “You’ve Got a Friend in Me” – Toy Story)
Come have a drink with me,
Maybe eat some turkey.
When you’re drunk and,
Nice and fed,
And your face and your feet they are, glowing red,
Even though the weekend might be dead,
Just come have a drink with me.
Oh yeah,
One last drink with me.