11.30.07

The Bachelor Guy » MILFs and Cougars: A Practical Guide

Posted in Life, Big D at 5:07 pm by Big D

This is brilliant!  Everything you need to know to tell the difference between a MILF and a Cougar.  Akin to our own Guide to Testicles, this thing lays it all out!

The Bachelor Guy » MILFs and Cougars: A Practical Guide

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11.29.07

Big D’s Big Picks: NFL Week 13

Posted in Sports, Big D at 7:59 am by Big D

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11.21.07

Big D’s Big Picks: NFL Week 12

Posted in Sports, Big D at 4:06 am by Big D

Well, I clearly have no idea what I’m talking about so here ya go!

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11.20.07

Review of the Creation Museum in Kentucky: Home for Idiots

Posted in Life, Big D at 9:55 am by Big D

Oh man… John Scalzi recently visited the Creation Museum and posted a great synopsis on the adventure. It never fails to shock me at how stupid people are & I’d love to get over to this place and witness it first hand. Glad there are other like-minded, not retarded people like John who feel the same way! His opening paragraph says it all:

Imagine, if you will, a load of horseshit. And we’re not talking just your average load of horseshit; no, we’re talking colossal load of horseshit. An epic load of horseshit. The kind of load of horseshit that has accreted over decades and has developed its own sort of ecosystem, from the flyblown chunks at the perimeter, down into the heated and decomposing center, generating explosive levels of methane as bacteria feast merrily on vintage, liquified crap. This is a Herculean load of horseshit, friends, the likes of which has not been seen since the days of Augeas.

And you look at it and you say, “Wow, what a load of horseshit.”

Hilarious! …And accurate! One day I hope to start my own religion or other such venture that takes money from willing idiots. What a great scam.

Check out the rest of John’s great wrap-up (along with a *ton* of comments) here: Your Creation Museum Report.

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11.18.07

Big D’s Big Picks: NFL Week 11

Posted in Sports, Big D at 11:32 am by Big D

Not be last week compared to the rest of the field…  here are this weeks picks:

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11.11.07

Legs and Breasts!

Posted in AJ, JD at 11:58 pm by jd

Thanksgiving time is rapidly approaching and the Socks were sitting around discussing how much better their Turkey Weekend is than yours. Yes, we said Turkey WEEKEND. It starts with a night at the bar (don’t they all) and ends with, uhh, a night at the bar. But in between, there is a birthday (Jay’s) a football game (Turkey Bowl) and the beginning of the most wonderful time of the year (Christmas Season).
About the time we were thinking of an idea for how to write this column, Jay had just finished watching Disney movies all day. Jay walked downstairs and the following exchange took place:

Jay – Dude, how good are Disney movies?
Adam – Almost as good as Thanksgiving.

Together – DISNEY THEMED THANKSGIVING COLUMN!

And there it was, we had our plan. We will now detail our Thanksgiving itinerary in musical soundtrack form (CD available on Virgin Records). Sing the songs to the tune of your Disney Musical Favorites! (NOTED: This is funnier if you listen to the tunes while reading).

On Wednesday, Thanksgiving break starts, and the Socks go out to the beautiful bars of Amherst, Ohio for the first of three times in the next 4 days.

“We Just Can’t Wait for Drinking” (to the tune of “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King” – Lion King)
It’s gonna be a crazy night,
So single Mom’s beware.
Set your mind to “Shock and Awe,”
And read on if you dare.
It’s only just the first event,
We open the bar door.
We’re dressing up, we’re gettin’ down,
And drinking lots of Coors!
(Thus far we hope that we are inspiring.)
Oh we just can’t wait for drinking!
Our friends saying “Drink this.”
Our friends saying “Get here!”
No one saying “Stop that!”
Everyone shouting “Drink Beer!” (DRINK BEER!)
Free of classes for three days,
Now we’ll drink them all away.

Thursday is Turkey Day and Jay’s Birthday! It’s family with all the fixin’s.

“Legs and Breasts” (tune of “Be Our Guest” – Beauty and the Beast)
Legs and breasts, legs and breasts,
Not naughty like they’d suggest.
Stack your plate with taters and turkey
Then dig into the mess.
Dinner’s served,
Quite the bird,
30 pounds! Why, that’s absurd!
Try the gravy, it’s delicious,
Thick and creamy; not nutritious.
Got meat sweats and painful cramps,
Time to find some bigger pants,
And the dinner here is never second best!
There’s just a single menu,
At our happy venue,
Legs and breasts,
Legs and breasts,
LEGS AND BREASTS!

Friday is an event we have aptly named “Turkey Crawl.” It’s when the Socks parade around Amherst (for the 2nd time) with friends and family, hopping (or crawling) from one bar to the next in joyful exuberance. They start at an old time pizza parlor and walk the streets from there. A secondary purpose of Turkey Crawl is to ensure we are all hungover in preparation for the Saturday morning football game. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves…

“Turkey Crawl-ing” (tune of “Under the Sea” – The Little Mermaid)
The pizzas are always better,
After the first few drinks,
We eat lots of pepperoni,
Then into the booze we sink.
We walk to the bars around us,
At each one we will drink more.
When wonderful friends surround us,
How could you want much more?
Turkey crawling, turkey crawling!
This night is greater as it gets later;
Take it from me.
We drink a lot of PBR,
‘Cause it’s a dollar at the bar,
Shoot Kamikazes,
Jim, Jack and Johnny,
Turkey Crawling!
It makes all the wives unhappy,
As through the streets we stroll,
The weather is always crappy,
But beer shields us from the cold.
The end of the night is lucky,
The D.D. is really great,
The crawlers are getting hungry,
And Taco Bell’s open late!
Turkey crawling, turkey crawling!
You will not beat us,
Try and out drink us,
That’s just crazy!
Back to the hot tub we will go,
Then we will pass out in the snow,
We’ll be hungover,
When it’s all over,
Turkey crawling!

Finally! Turkey Bowl Saturday is upon us; and it is glorious! This epic game between the old guys and the young guns is unathletic at its core, and entertaining to the end. It is the highlight of everyone’s weekend. Nay, it is the highlight of everyone’s year! (For more information, check out www.lcturkeybowl.org. Not to shamelessly plug one of our websites.) (Make sure you see the links on the website to the other websites such as blog.looselybasedfilms.com)

One Jump Ahead (of the Fat Guys) – (tune of “One Jump Ahead” – Aladdin)
Gotta keep,
One jump ahead of the fat guys,
I feel sick, but I’m gonna score,
I swear, I’m never gonna drink no more!
(and that’s a lie)
One rush, an awkward tackle,
I’m down, “Hey that’s my junk!”
My God, I think that I still am drunk!
(Half back, trick pass, defense, take that!)
Just a quick smoke break, guys,
Oh my God I think I might die!
Be back in a jiff, gotta get some snacks,
And then we can start Game 2.

When all is said and done, we can look back on the weekend and the great times had by all; and that leaves us but one thing to do: start talking trash for next year. Happy Holidays!

Come Have a Drink With Me – (tune of “You’ve Got a Friend in Me” – Toy Story)
Come have a drink with me,
Maybe eat some turkey.
When you’re drunk and,
Nice and fed,
And your face and your feet they are, glowing red,
Even though the weekend might be dead,
Just come have a drink with me.
Oh yeah,
One last drink with me.

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11.10.07

Big D’s Big Picks: NFL Week 10

Posted in Sports, Big D at 2:33 pm by Big D

Man, my picks have been bad this year!

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11.07.07

He’s Baaaaacckkkk

Posted in Sports, JD at 1:05 am by jd

It’s 12:20 AM and I am awake watching Mike Brown dismantle the Cavs chances of winning a game on the road at Golden State. I guess it’s time for a running diary.

Currently its 78-73 Cavs with 2 minutes left in the 3rd quarter. I can’t wait for the token mismanagement of the game that causes us to lose.

I wonder what it’ll be this time. An ill advised timeout? A treacherous substitution? Perhaps just a lack of strategic, umm, strategy.

Update, as I was typing that, Mike Brown inserted Damon Jones and Ira Newble to replace Drew Gooden and Lebron James. 78-78 after a Baron Davis 3. Make it 81-80 Golden State going to the 4th. Hate to say I told you so.

So since my last post, which I can no longer remember writing, I’ve gone to Grad School, started up my basketball season coaching high school kids and gotten engaged. Crazy times right? Well, its clear that I’ve had a lot on my plate, and thus haven’t been able to post. Right now I’m about as reliable as generic brand hemorrhoid cream. I’ve also played an entire touch football season and gone to the championship game in my Co-Ed softball league. I feel like you need to know these things.

I hate Mike Brown, but not JUST Mike Brown (the coach of the Cavaliers, by the way, for people trying to catch up). I also hate the Cavs announcers. And the Indians announcers come to think of it. But that’s neither here nor there. “Much to Z’s chagrin, he just picked up his 3rd foul.” That’s unfortunate.

How much does this American TV writers strike suck? Am I relegated to reruns of the Daily Show and Colbert Report? Am I actually going to have to read his (Stephen Colbert) book? And incidentally, why does anyone think he’s funny? Myself included. Here’s the thing, any old jerk off can go on television and jumble words together while making sarcastic comments and selflessly plugging consumer products in order to get comps from said companies. It’s especially nerve wracking when this jerk off is the last person that would need the comps he shameless requests. Ok, I’ve managed to do it, I’m switching to Ellen.

Timeout Mike Brown, 85-81 Warriors. Lebron James is making every effort to will the Cavs to victory, but I’m not sure he can overcome.

Let me update that score, its 89-85. Sorry. And the Cavs just had a “good possession” in which we ended with a 30% 3 point shooter taking a 3 from the corner. He missed. But you knew that. Got to love when Devin Brown is the big offseason free agent signing.

Devin Brown turns the ball over and Lebron makes a RIDICULOUS Tayshaun Prince block from behind. His 2nd in the 4th quarter. Wow. It’s too bad Mike Brown’s involved here, this would actually be a very good, entertaining game otherwise. It’s also doomed by its association to the NBA.

In unrelated news, any time I sleep at my Mom’s house, I shut the door to my room and my cat meows until I open it. This has lasted as long as 45 minutes… we’ll come back to this, but I have to tell you, we just had the stupid unnecessary Mike Brown timeout. 6:32 remaining in the game, 93-89 Warriors, oh AND he put Damon Jones back in the game!!! A bad substitution following the bad timeout! It’s the Mike Brown Special! It’s like a McDonald’s Value Meal, only McDonald’s is the worst basketball coach in the world, and the Value Meal is really horrific basketball strategy, but back to the 45 minutes… So I’m just wondering to myself if this isn’t her kind of creepy revenge from my article ripping Fancy Feast Gourmet cat food commercials. She did like her some Fancy Feast.

An improbable 3 by Damon Jones cuts the Warriors lead to 1 and leads to a Don Nelson timeout. This was preceded by 3 turnovers and what looked like a stretch of bad JV basketball.

I’m getting tired. Lets be honest, you aren’t reading anymore anyway. Well you know what, print it out next time and take it into the John with you. That’s what I’d do. At least its not the crappy writing of the other guys on this site.

We just got reminded by Fred McLeod (the Cavs play-by-play man) for the 29th time that Lebron is “X” stats short of his 11th career triple double. A developing storyline, I’ll keep you in “the know.”

Damon Jones WIDE OPEN 3, back iron. Saw that coming.

Did I tell you that I write for the John Carroll News now? Oh I didn’t? Well I do. I’m a pretty big deal.

Side question, does anyone still go to hockey games in American cities not ending in ‘roit? I’m just curious, I really don’t know.

Austin Carr (Cavs Color Man): “Lebron’s guarding everyone out there. He really wants to win, Fred.” Just under 3 minutes to go, 98 all with Andris Biedrins about to shoot two free throws. But first, we’ll go to George Clooney’s voice talking about malted hops and imploring you to raise up the Great American Lager. Now a cheesy song promoting an American car company.

I watched Pirates 1 today. Really good flick. Really good. Keira Knightley is extraordinarily beautiful in the movie.

McLeod just told me my stomach is in knots, much like the GM of the Warriors who they showed on the screen. He was calmly using his Blackberry, probably making fun of Danny Ferry (Cavs GM) for having Mike Brown as his coach. Meanwhile, Biedrins misses both free throws. McLeod: “Suffice it to say, the Cavs could use a hoop here.”

There is a jar of Oreo Cookies sitting next to me. I feel like Mikey McD in Rounders the way I’m turning down “zee cookies.” My puns could use some work today. Cavs by 5 now! And its “nervous nilly time on that Golden State bench.” I swear you can’t make these things up.

Well now if we lose this game, I’ll be stunned. Then again, Mike Brown is our Coach, so 1 minute, 5 point lead with the ball. I’m not hedging bets.

37 seconds left in the game, Golden State just scored again. Mike Brown just called another timeout. Dumb, and I’ll tell you why. A) You now throw the ball in from half court, more than likely, instead of killing time bringing the ball all the way up the court. B) You now give Golden State a chance to set their defense, whether its pressuring the ball or what. And it always is better to set up your defense than to just go with the flow, especially when you are a bad defensive team. In fact, as a coach, I would have screamed timeout after that bucket went in had I been the team that just scored.

And despite its being completely idiotic, Daniel “Boobie” Gibson just hit a huge 3 to put the Cavs up 4 with 19.5 remaining. His fifth “triple” of the night. Austin Carr is stumbling on more words than Mel Gibson when he was arrested. He may have just had a stroke.

Baron Davis misses a 3, Drew Gooden rebounds the ball and that will just about do it, 12.5 to go and Gooden gets 2 free tosses. Drew split the pair. He also shaved his “ducktail” or “reverse soul patch” over the Summer. Good move.

7.2 remaining, Cavs up 4, Warriors inbounding at half court. Still no triple double for Lebron. Apparently “you have to score points to win on the road.” Austin, you’ve outdone yourself.

Mercifully, it’s over. 108-104 Cavs. Mike Brown tried his damnedest, but to no avail. Lebron wouldn’t let his team lose. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to… wait, Boobie Gibson kinda looks like a black, male Keira Knightley. Yeah, time for bed.

Be well.

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11.04.07

Big D’s Big Picks: NFL Week 9

Posted in Sports, Big D at 4:25 pm by Big D

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11.01.07

Redoing My Fantasy Draft

Posted in Sports, Tommy Boy at 7:59 pm by tommyboy

I’m not going to lie. I’m pissed. I’m pissed like Lewis Black on a Tuesday. Because my fantasy football team is crap. I’m 3-5 and I still have a shot at the playoffs if I go on a run, but I could have done a helluva lot better. Because out of my 12-team league, only myself and one other person (maybe two) were live for the draft. That’s it. I’m losing to the autodraft system. I had the opportunity to build the team that I wanted and I made one bad decision after the other. And I easily (and realistically) could have drafted a great fantasy football team. So without further ado, I am redoing my draft. This is based on our draft results, only taking players that would have been available at the time. And again, it’s easy to say that oh I should have taken Randy Moss in the 3rd round, but I’m giving you a realistic scenario based on my thoughts at the time, my past history, and give you a draft that could have happened.

Round 1 - Joseph Addai, RB, Colts. I had the 4th pick and I had Addai listed as my third best player (behind LTD and Stephen Jackson) until right before the draft. When I read Bill Simmons. And he made a somewhat convincing argument why Shaun Alexander was going to have a bounceback year. Disregard the fact that he was coming off injury and Steve Hutchinson was still gone, I took Alexander. Stupid, stupid. I could have, would have, and should have taken Addai. I hate Bill Simmons and his great life.

Round 2 - Chad Johnson, WR, Bengals. This is who I took and I can’t say that I wouldn’t in hindsight have taken him, even though Houshamazili is having a better year.

Round 3 - Tom Brady, QB, Patriots. He was on the top of my board in the 3rd round. But I stupidly did not take him because of two factors. One, the emphasis all those damn magazines and shows put on running backs. If I didn’t take two running backs in the first three rounds, I’m led to believe that my team will suck. Bullshit. Most of those publications go off a 2 RB and 1 Flex system. We only get to play 2 RBs and we have to play 5 Receivers (at least one of which is a Tight End). Further, with time-share backfields, injuries to running backs, and the ease with which receivers can handle corners based on rules, there’s an argument to be made that receivers and quarterbacks are equally productive and consistent. The other factor in not taking Brady is that I kinda hate him. He goes from hot actress to hot model. He has three super bowls (threatening Joe Montana’s legacy if he wins this year). He went to Michigan. These are not very good reasons to reject a player on draft day. But yet, I took Thomas Jones. I am reaching for a shotgun now.

Round 4 - Plaxico Burress, WR, Giants. I took Plax in the fourth round last year. Loved him. He was one of my most consistent players. I secretly loved the Giants passing attack (see Round 8). Why didn’t I take him again (but took Deuce McAllister instead)? Because I’m an idiot, that’s why.

Round 5 - Lamont Jordan, RB, Raiders. I secretly coveted Jordan, who I had on my team two years ago, and took him in the seventh round. The loss of Dominic Rhodes early, a favorable schedule, and a better offensive mind than Art Shell (not a stretch), meant good things. In this scenario I take him two rounds early. And not Todd Heap, who I strangely coveted based on an easy early schedule. But even a great Todd Heap doesn’t give me more than 7 or 8 touchdowns. I’m jabbing a pen in my eyeball now.

Round 6 - Marion Barber III, RB, Cowboys. Barber was a back that I always loved because he gets in the end zone regularly. He slips to the 11th round in our draft based on all the autodrafting ridiculousness. 11th Round. He was one of those guys I kept saying, “He’s still there? I really want him, but I already have 4 RBs and I need to get wide receivers.” I’ll take him here.

Round 7 - Santonio Holmes, WR, Steelers. I liked the Steelers passing game. I liked that he dominated the end of last season. He was on a lot of sleeper lists. But I never pulled the trigger. Because I already had Bernard Berrian. (there is an organ in my body crying now, but I can’t tell which one)

Round 8 - Eli Manning, QB, Giants. This is who I took and I’d take him again. I liked the Giants schedule and targeted Manning before the draft. But he should have been targeted as a good backup with Brady as the starter

Round 9 - Heath Miller, TE, Steelers. I always liked Heath Miller and all the touchdowns he got. Had I not taken Heap. I would have been in line for Miller, available in the 9th round. It also is important to note that about round 8 or 9 (whichever round I took Drew Bennett), I did look at my draft and said “I hate my team.” That’s strange, because in fantasy and real drafts, everyone looks at their own draft and believes that made out like a bandit. Not me. I knew my draft was shit during the draft. One bad move unfolded into another. It’s like I went into Iraq with a half-ass plan and kept screwing up because I didn’t have a good exit strategy.

Round 10 - Adrian Peterson, RB, Vikings. I know, I know. This seems like hindsight, but hear me out. I had Chester Taylor last year and he was pretty good. The reason he was good was because he had Steve Hutchinson at guard and Tony Richardson at fullback. The reason he wasn’t great was because he was CHESTER TAYLOR. Adrian Peterson was ten times the player Taylor was, I knew that, and Taylor was hurt at the start of the season. I should have considered Peterson, but at this point I’m trying to figure out who’s going to help me in case Manning or my shitty receivers don’t pull their weight. I hate myself.

Round 11 - Wes Welker, WR, Patriots. This is who I took as a great sleeper (Patriots trade a 2nd round pick for this guy, they know what they are doing, Moss and Stallworth stretch the field, etc.). I’d obviously take him again. He’s awesome.

Round 12 - Brandon Marshall, WR, Broncos. Baby TO. Where I took him. Don’t regret it. Would do it again

Round 13 - Oakland, DEF. Sure there are better defenses, and some available, but I liked the Raiders and I would be disingenuous to say that I would have taken someone different based on my thoughts at the time.

Round 14 - James Jones, WR, Packers. I was debating between the two Joneses (Jacoby and James) and ended up with Jacoby. As much as I loathe the Packers, I should have figured Jones would make more of an impact considering the QBs (Favre over Schaub, though Schaub’s OK)

Round 15 - Desmond Clark, TE, Bears. Showing my beloved Bears some love after taking a Packer. With Greg Olsen out to start the season, he’s a good pickup.

Round 16 - Matt Stover, K, Ravens. For my kicker, Matt Stover, my kicker from last year who I loved, was available. I was tired and took Joe Nedney. If I had a staple gun right now. . .

So there’s my draft. And here’s how I would have performed with this team, based on reasonable projections of who I would start (bolded numbers indicate that week’s starters:

Name 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Joseph Addai 19 14 20 20 0 bye 10 28
Chad Johnson 15 32 13 5 bye 8 11 5
Tom Brady 29 26 33 26 28 40 49 40
Plaxico Burress 32 9 14 8 18 15 4 1
Lamont Jordan 21 15 21 7 bye 8 6 1
Marion Barber III 14 20 23 7 6 5 15 bye
Santonio Holmes 12 5 4 24 0 bye 11 8
Eli Manning 34 12 9 9 19 19 15 7
Heath Miller 9 3 8 4 10 bye 17 4
Adrian Peterson 22 11 18 14 bye 45 13 7
Wes Welker 12 9 8 4 3 27 26 14
Brandon Marshall 11 8 13 8 5 bye 7 6
Oakland 2 14 7 7 bye - 8 6
James Jones 2 7 7 10 2 0 bye 16
Des Clark 3 2 5 10 12 4 3 1
Matt Stover 8 9 16 7 10 18 2 bye
Arizona - - - - 13 2 - -
Jason Elam - - - - - - - 8
Total 159 136 144 116 105 164 151 121

Weeks 1-3: I play with the girls I brought to the dance and kick some serious ass, with a pretty good bench to boot

Week 4: I swap out Marion Barber for Lamont Jordan, based on what he did to the Bears (but get the same result had I stuck with Jordan) and use Marshall instead of Welker based on the previous week.

Week 5: My worst week at 105 points. This assumes that I play Addai knowing he will be injured instead of picking up someone (Brandon Jacobs perhaps?) because Jordan and Peterson are on byes. I play Des Clark over James Jones in my W/T based on Griese as QB and good showing week before. I’ll also say that I picked up Arizona, like I did in real life.

Week 6: Still have Jordan on the bench because I’m unsure about his injury, which gives me the opportunity to play Peterson and enjoy his 45 points against my Bears. The devil’s found a nice little place on his mantle for my soul.

Week 7: How can I bench Peterson and Welker after their performances in week 6? Won’t do it. They kick ass again. But I only get 151. Maybe someone else beats me. (Silently laughing)
Week 8: As in real life, picked up Jason Elam and his eighty game winning field goals to fill in for Stover in the bye week. How was he still available? Another humdrum 121. And probably another W

Without major maneuvering on the waiver wire (which would be unlikely), I’m probably 8-0 and getting my roster in line for the playoffs. Instead I’m 3-5 and wondering where it all went wrong. Combine this with the plight of Notre Dame football, the Chicago Bears, and the Cubs’ early playoff exit and there is no joy in Tomsville. If only Tom Brady wasn’t so damn perfect. . . .

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