10.15.07

Pick My “Plus One” (but first a plug)

Posted in Life, Television, Tommy Boy at 5:39 pm by tommyboy

I have a dilemma that I would like your help with. But first. . .

The sketch comedy writing show I’ve been working on for a while is finally set to open this week. Hungry Like the Wolfowitz, starring a stellar cast from Second City Los Angeles and written by myself along with four other very talented writers, opens this Thursday, October 18th at 8:00 PM. It will run for four Thursdays and seating is limited so get your tickets early. The theater is located at The Second City Studio Theater, 6560 Hollywood Blvd., Hollywood, CA, 90028. Box office # is 323/464-8542. For more info, check us out on myspace at www.myspace.com/hungry_wolfowitz

The other big news is that three of the writers from this show (myself, Kristina Adelmeyer, and Christo Angeloff) and Dan Reber from the other writing show (’Zombies, Whores, and Puppets’ at 9:30 PM the next four Thursdays at Second City) have been writing and filming material that can now be seen on the web! It’s called Hello Sundays. We now have three videos up and we plan to post something on Sundays for the next few weeks.

You can view our videos on Youtube, FunnyorDie, and/or JibJab. Check us out on any of these sites by searching hello sundays. They are also posted on our myspace page, www.myspace.com/hello_sundays.

Hope to see you at the show if you are in Los Angeles. And no matter where you live, you can check out our work online.

Now, back to the matter at hand. The show that I work on is having a big party in less than two weeks. Formal cocktail attire. In an airplane hangar. Very cool. Should be a lot of fun. However, it is an event where I can bring myself plus one guest and the problem is that I don’t have any good leads on the “plus one” at the moment. The following are some options and I would like some feedback on who should go.

1. Girl who is a friend #1 - This girl is someone who I have been trying to go out with for a while. She is super nice, like nominated for sainthood nice. The problem has been every time I have asked her out, she has had a conflict because she does so much charity work. (This is actually true. I know a lot of stuff I wrote about in the past and stuff I will write further down in the column is a joke, but this is true. She is completely selfless.) I think she might be so nice that she will tire of my antics quickly, but I’m not sure. Going out with her would either confirm or deny my suspicion. But not sure if this is the occasion. And there’s also the sneaking suspicion I have that she’s just not that into me.

2. Girl who is a friend #2 - This girl is someone I was in contact with somewhat regularly a few months ago and I tried to go out with her at the time. Very cautiously (”Your friends are in town? Great, let’s hang out!”) but ineffective nonetheless. She flew home a lot at the time when it would have worked out and also found great excuses why we couldn’t make it out until our communication grinded to a halt before briefly picking up again. And also she’s a beauty queen. Like there was a contest where people judge you on how beautiful you are and she fuckin’ won. So I’m thinking she probably blew me off (and unfortunately not the good kind) or didn’t like me like that and didn’t have the heart to tell me. I’ve tried to bring her out to screenings and such in the past without much success; do I go for it on 4th and 20?

3. A Prostitute - I could obviously hire a professional escort. They are paid good sums of money because of their expertise in accompanying their clients - “johns” - on events such as the one I’m going to. She can inform my coworkers on sexually transmitted diseases and her tales from prison may be interesting to people who work on this police-based show. If I were to hire a professional, I would try to find one with an engaging personality, a quick wit, and medium-sized breasts so as not to tip off her prostitutishness to my co-workers. The problem with this scenario is not only is it costly, but it may reflect poorly on me when I come in to work on Monday if my co-workers figure out she is a prostitute.

4. A blowup doll - Not only is the blowup doll high comedy, but it is also a pretty easy date. There’s a 95% chance I would get some later. However, the big drawback to this guest is that blowup dolls can’t talk. Ideally a guest that I would bring would be able to engage me in conversation in order to break up the evening a bit and help me keep enough distance from co-workers that I don’t become intrusive. Conversations with blow-up dolls are too often a one-way street.

5. Try to meet a random girl at Oktoberfest - I am going to Oktoberfest on Friday. The clientele is really diverse (from families to crazy people) and there is a good chance I won’t find a woman who is interested under the age of 40. But booze will be flowing. This will make for a really awkward first date, going to a formal cocktail party in an airplane hangar. But it could be impressive to said girl and with the right girl the evening might be quite nice. Big gamble banking on the “right girl” doing the chicken dance in Torrance.

6. Try to invite someone who’s at the writing show - This is an intriguing possibility as well. It depends on how our crowd is on Thursday but there may be people there that I have somewhat of a history with. Without the history, it’s the same gamble as Oktoberfest, lessened by the common ground of having seen the show. They will have a sense of humor which is welcome. But we’re looking at a much smaller sample size here.

7. Try to meet a random girl at ND/USC gamewatch - ND will face USC and probably lose because they have lost almost every game they’ve played this year (They are essentially a high school team at almost every position, returning the fewest lettermen in Div. 1-A, due to transfers and poor recruiting classes by Ty Willingham, but that’s a different column) Bottom line is, they stink. But there will still be some more ND people coming out to watch the rivalry game than usual, I think. I may know some of them. But I’ve never fared well with the usual ND girl. They are like Princess Vespa to my Dark Helmet. And by this point in life, most of them are in relationships or married. Doubtful, but may be worth a shot. The alternative may be the USC girl, but that may require me to go to a bar that has more USC people, and that would be too painful unless Mark Sanchez is on the take.

8. Go to 4Play Gentleman’s Club Saturday Night - I don’t think it would be a good idea for me to try to pick up a stripper without seeing the whole episode of VH1’s The Pick-Up Artist. And I don’t think it would be wise for me to bring a stripper to this function (see reasons under “Prostitute” above). But it wouldn’t hurt to try. Especially after a weekend of being rejected by random girls who were wondering what was wrong with me after I asked them out to a formal party when I haven’t been able to correctly pronounce their name the entire day/night. If nothing else, the professional ladies of the night might be able to offer some advice, provided I pay for the VIP dance.

9. The Ex of a few months - Bad idea. I know there are no bad ideas in brainstorming, but. . .bad idea.

10. The Roommate - I already played this hand at the show’s premiere party (held at the same club Jack Bauer got busted at for his DUI). Bringing him again probably would be fine, but for a formal event like this (so soon after the premiere no less) I feel like I should go in a different direction. It would help divert suspicion that we’re roommates in the West Hollywood sense. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

11. Another friend (guy or girl) - A really safe way to play it and also a cool thing to share with a different friend. Would have to choose among friends, which is always weird. And if it’s a girl, there’s always that weird “Are they dating?” vibe. And if it’s a guy, there’s always that weird “Are they dating?” vibe “He did bring his roommate to the last event.” I’m really insecure.

12. Mom - Otherwise known as The Vinnie Chase Solution. This would be the perfect solution except for the fact that my mother a) lives in Chicago and b) is not the kind of person who easily jumps on a plane. And unlike Vinnie Chase, I don’t have the resources to get Turtle, E, and Drama on a private jet and help fly her out to Cali.

13. Go by myself - Since I will be going to a work function, it’s not completely out of the question, right? I should have a decent amount of people to talk to. Further, it could be fun to come up with excuses as to why I didn’t bring anyone (missed flight, got stood up at the last minute, kidnapping, etc.). But the advantage of having someone there is pretty huge. Being there alone means I have to leech on to other people’s conversations the whole time, which can get pretty annoying for the other parties. Plus, I’m still relatively new and I don’t have any true BFFs at work.

14. Skip the event - I can always come up with a good excuse as to why I couldn’t go. I was sick, something came up, I got shot in Compton, etc. The list is endless and, frankly, my absence gets forgotten a lot more easily than, say, bringing a blow-up doll. But that’s the coward’s way out, isn’t it? Did Thomas Edison invent the DVD player by being a pussy and skipping cocktail parties simply because he couldn’t find the right “plus one?” I didn’t think so.

So those are my options. Feel free to weigh in. And if there are other options I have not considered (cloning, animals, etc.) please feel free to add those options as well.

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