07.24.07

Wedding Crashers…

Posted in Life, JD at 3:33 pm by jd

It’s been called the biggest day in a girl’s life. It’s the day when she gets to hand pick the people that will be staring at her. For some girls this is a tremendously big deal because they don’t get that kind of attention often. These “Ugly Ducklings” are transformed into a swan for the big day and for a moment, all is right in their world. For other girls, it’s just another day to be prettier than you, the “royal you” (even though she’s the Princess).

Well I’ve been to my share of weddings. I’ve seen girls from both sides of the spectrum revel and bask in being the center of attention, and most of them have been fantastic. They deserve it on their day. The grooms, by and large, don’t give a crap as long as their woman is content. We’ll leave it at that.

The thing is, when you plan a wedding, please, please, PLEASE keep the, umm, crowd(?) in mind. There are several things that can (and will) destroy your wedding, and you probably didn’t think of them, despite your detail oriented planning.

First and foremost, start on time. There is nothing worse than making people wait for you, especially when they paid money to get here and spend their time for you. They probably even threw some cash in a generic card they got at CVS on their way to the ceremony. The least you can do is honor that “One Thirty in the Afternoon on the Thirty-First of Smarch in the Lord’s year of Two Thousand Sixty-Nine.” [Side note: The Lord’s year?]

Moving forward with a Christian ceremony, we come to the readings. As a rule, if it’s from the book of Sirach, make sure it doesn’t talk about a gracious wife being a servant. Why, you ask? Because the moment you get into the brunt of this reading, each and every male in attendance between the ages of 15 and 31 will begin to snicker something in the vein of “And may your Pimp Hand remain strong.” Nothing kills the emotion of a beautiful ceremony like immaturity and choosing from this Book of the Bible sets yourself up for failure.

Along these same lines, inform the [insert Priest/Pastor/Rabbi/other appropriate Religious cleric here] to keep his preaching short and preferrably personal to the two of you as a couple. Noted: This works best if you’ve been a longtime member of the Church. If you are choosing to get married outside of a traditional religious setting, don’t worry about this part. For the sake of honesty, I’ll be forthright. We do not want to hear about the missions going on in Kenya or Indonesia and how the Priest has seen unconditional love in so many different ways, but that he can tell your servitude towards each other will stand the test of time. We don’t care. I was at a wedding this past week where the Priest spoke specifically with a message of small deeds being key to a successful marriage, noting two examples from the parents of both the bride and groom. That was committment to the speech. Good job by him, it was also under 5 minutes which is quite respectable.

Little kids can spoil a wedding with sudden outbursts. This, too, will make all the guys laugh and focus will be drawn off of the bride and how dare you! Simple fix, make absolutely sure there is a “cry room” or simply do not invite small children to the ceremony.

Establish clear parameters if you are using a full Ceremony. If people are not of your Faith, they probably should not be dining on your Lord, just ask Dane Cook. Make sure everyone is communicated to as to what parts they participate in, and when they should just sit out a few plays. We don’t need the Ryan Seacrest guy who just jumps in everywhere despite not belonging or being welcome. Go away, Seacrest. Go away.

Two more things and the mass nitpicking will be done. I love the presentation of flowers to Mary (Catholics). I love the smashing of the glass under your foot (Jews). I love the fat people prancing around (Greeks, ok I can’t back that up). What I don’t love is when these specific traditions take a really long time. For example, Ave Maria (which should now, thanks to mainstream media, be reserved for use in Mob Movies and videogames) when sung behind the floral rite, should not be sung in its entirety. The song is nearly 7 minutes long and that is WAYYYYYY too much time to stare at a statue (or at two people staring at a statue which is staring back at the crowd). Use the first verse and end it. Also, please employ a cantor who can really wail, otherwise this will be dreadful.

Finally, be unlike anyone named Bush and have a solid Exit Strategy. Instead of having the entire recessional of the whole wedding party then sending some Groomsmen back into the fray to clear ground, just have each wedding party pairing act as ushers letting a few rows exit as they walk by. It’s really your best option, guys, considering it’s your only option.

The ceremony is an extremely large deal, despite the fact that fewer people show their smiling faces at this event than the reception. However, the key to a banging wedding is to have the guests enjoy themselves in the limbo that exists between ceremony and reception.

In the interval between the wedding and reception, provide options of things to entertain guests; it doesn’t have to be elaborate. Maybe request that your parents host people at their home for a clean bathroom and some sandwich trays. If you have a hotel arranged for your guests, see if they have a bar/restaurant/hall, etc. where people can mingle and yes, have a few beers. Double points for a free shuttle to the reception (always good if everyone can have fun and be safe). Even if it means just recommending to guests that they meet up in between the wedding and reception at the hotel to pop a few tops, this will be an extraordinary touch that leads to happiness with the wedding as a whole. Plus, it’ll provide Diesel more time to seal the deal with some married chick attending sans husband.

The actual reception is pretty hard to screw up. Avoid the following things: Bad food (always taste test prior to the date), a bad DJ (ask for references), bad lighting (you’ve got to be able to see what you’re eating), great lighting (the not cute chicks will appreciate that), any song ending in the word “Slide,” prewritten speeches and most of all, Cash Bars. Always use the following: red skinned potatoes, buffet style serving (you get to take the leftovers home), preferrably a television somewhere close by and absolutely a must, Bon Jovi. Do those things and you’re golden.

For final touches, promote the post Wedding party at the hotel, you’re guests will love you, and arrange for pizza to be delivered around Midnight. What a classy touch. In keeping with the food theme, have a morning (not too early) brunch the day after and visit with everyone you missed the night before. It really bookends and validates their trip up, plus it makes guests more apt to stay overnight, and as we’ve said, that helps the Diesel find a certain special someone.

Weddings are great. Or not. It’s up to you.

Be well.

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