07.16.07
Pawing at the Brink
The following question has occupied my mind for no less than the last four minutes: Has this blog become a glorified diary for my eyes and words only? (”And now my empty chorus falls on empty ears…”)
My cat is old. I am almost 26 years old and this cat has been around for the vast majority of my formative years, it’s seen me in single digits. She even has an old person name, Phoebe (no, not after the famous Phoebe you’re thinking of). Most people would agree when I say that the cat’s eating habits over the years have been more Ralphie May than my bulimic ex-girlfriend Ralphng Mae; however, all’s changed with old age.
Phoebe’s become increasingly finicky when it comes to her food. Perhaps it’s because we spoiled her with favorites such as Little Debbie Donut Sticks, blueberry muffins and her favorite, cold cut turkey. Perhaps it’s because she saw her reflection in the mirror and decided it was time for a change. Perhaps she didn’t feel attractive enough when my sister brought her younger cats (Daven and Sofie) to live at the house for a while (she wanted to be the Demi Moore to Daven’s Ashton Kutcher). Most probably, she’s just getting old and doesn’t feel like eating anymore. Mind you, this is the cat who employs the dip-your-paw-into-the-water then lick-your-paw rather than the more conventional face-in-bowl, tongue-in-water technique for drinking.
We’ve tried everything lately to get the cat eating again. “Everything” in this case includes switching food brands, switching from dry to wet food, mixing dry and wet, covering the food (dry and wet) with turkey gravy from Thanksgiving Dinner, we even tried setting a place for the cat at the table (ok, no we didn’t). All of our efforts have gone for naught; they’ve been roughly as effective as Britney Spears’ parenting techniques.
So we’ve hit a rough patch. Whiskas was whisked away. Friskies lost their frisk. 9 lives? Not anymore, Phoebe shot them down. Now we’re down to our last ditch effort. It’s once again time to place a call to the bullpen and all we have sitting out there is Jose Mesa. Now I’ll throw this out there, I hate Jose Mesa for a plethora of reasons, and the figurative version is no exception. I’ll try to be brief, and in doing so, I must return to Saved by the Bell (note to Webmaster: can you make SBTB a category for me already?). [EDITOR’S NOTE: Done.] Each morning when I watch the show, I get numerous commercials that irritate me based on either content, lack of focus on target demographic or some combination thereof. Examples of this are 1-800-PET-MEDS, Gold Bond Medicated Pads and one of the worst, J.G. Wentworth. I swear if I have to hear one more time about cash for my structured settlement, I’ll go Ron Artest on the guy. That said, the worst commercial of all is for Fancy Feast Cat Food. Come on now. This is your target market? The majority viewership for these re-runs HAS TO BE mid 20’s and younger kids before school or work starts, what kind of advertising is this?!?! Shouldn’t Toucan Sam, Count Chocula and the EGGO guy be plastered on the screen? If I saw that in the morning, I’d immediately run out for some cereal. But back to the Fancy Feast, the Jose Mesa of cat food. This commercial instructs owners to “delight her with salmon florentine,” a “restaurant style” piece of grilled salmon that it is “simmered in a fragrant reduction” with greens; a dish that is apparently so tantalizing that humans find themselves pawing at their cat for a taste, a cruel and unusual reversal of fortune.
What does this all mean? Naturally, upon meandering past the cat’s bowl when leaving for work this morning, what do I notice? Fancy Feast, salmon florentine. The verdict is still out on whether the cat will enjoy it or not, but rest assured, if this persuades her to eat, I will not only be disappointed, but also on the verge of insanity. Remember when Brian (Fred Savage) realized his little brother Eric (played by real life little sib Ben) had been kidnapped by Boy in Little Monsters? I’ll be like that, feeling helpless and angry, but if she eats, I guess there’s a moral victory somewhere.
I love my cat and will be devastated when something happens to her, lets hope the Fancy Feast keeps her around for a while. Oh, and if you want to see the most hilarious website in the history of civilization, follow this cat around for a while. I promise you will not be disappointed.
And in all seriousness, Bulimia and other eating disorders are a devastating problem in this world today, and not just among felines. Go here to make a donation to the National Eating Disorders Association.
Be well.