07.13.07
Coed Softball: Bright Lights, Neon Balls & the Dane Train
At 12 years of age, I was at the height of my game. We’re talking .850 batting average, starting pitcher and shortstop on a playoff caliber baseball team, Houston. I remember vividly playing in the qualifier, my comrades and I carrying a solid 14-1 record in against our division rivals, and the only team we’d lost to, 15-0 Dallas. I went 4-4 that game and threw 4 innings of shut out ball. In the top of the 5th I singled home a run and Houston lead 1-0! The bottom of the 5th was a disaster. 4 runs on no hits, but probably 10 or so walks. We lost the game 4-1. It would be the last competitive game of baseball I played.
At 25, I’m trying to resurrect my hardball career. I’ve played informal home run derby and several seasons of old man softball at Softball World, but the best seasons of my life have come from Cleveland Plays, Coed Style.
This past season I played on “The Others” and we finished a solid 7-3 good for a third place tie in the league plus a coveted spot in the postseason. I’m sad to say that we went down in a blaze of glory to the number 1 seed House of Cues 11-7 which improved their overall record to 11-1. We fell to 8-4 including the postseason, still a respectable record. In fact, one season earlier our team was in a similar situation and managed to make the Championship game before losing a hard fought battle.
So my teams have been Coed studs, but my Old Men teams have been even better, making 3 consecutive final games and, much like the Philadelphia Eagles, coming up short each time. But my greatness aside, I’d like to briefly evaluate the inner workings of the old men league, vs. the coed league, and I’ll do so by utilizing the five senses.
Ok, I’ve got my Tostitos Bite Size 100% White Corn Tortilla Chips, a bottle of water and the insatiable urge to pee, let’s knock this out.
SIGHT
The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision.
Thucydides
At an Old Man’s League Softball game, you can expect to find any combination of the following items: Gatorade bottles, beer, Gatorade bottles full of beer, Ben Gay, Cigarettes, girls inexplicably dressed as dime store hookers cheering on douchebag guys wearing bandanas with cut off shirts thinking they’re cool, tons of bats in every dug out, umpires, scorekeepers and pin striped baseball pants. Lots of them. But the thing about the beer is that you usually can’t bring it from home, you have to buy it on site, and the people with multiple bats and baseball pants on are wearing them because you can expect head first slide, balls to the wall, “Game 7″ type play, every game. To lose is a tragedy, to win a must. Any deviation from the actual game plan could lead to a blow up of epic proportions, and you don’t even want to know about Rain Outs.
At a Coed League Softball game, many of the sights are similar. Beer is present, but usually is consumed from a plastic Dixie Cup or the can (complete with I Heart Fat Chicks beer cousy) and is purchased at the nearest gas station on the way to the game. The beer being downed can be no more expensive than $6.48 for a 12 pack, Coeds literally live the High Life. There is no Ben Gay and the only time you’ll find pinstriped baseball pants is when someone attempts to be funny and ironic. It works every time. There will be one bat shared by the whole team (on rare occasions possibly two). And on occasion, this bat is used by both teams. The promiscuous girls are wearing booty shorts and missing the balls in the outfield, then when its time to hit, the girls usually dribble the ball up the 3rd base line for an infield single (though undoubtedly there is always one team with girls who look & play like Lisa Fernandez, get out of their way NOW). Rain clouds are welcome, and the first thing you’ll see after the game ends is everyone scurrying off like Ants Marching to the bar.
SOUND
When money talks I hate to listen, but lately it’s been screaming in my ear.
Ben Folds
The sounds of softball are the same regardless of where you go. Cracks of the bat, balls hitting the fence after being thrown away, no calls by the ump on fair or foul balls and people cursing their own name. The difference? In the O.M. League, you’ll hear a lot more 4 letter words. Apparently umpires don’t like to hear that around ladies, so in the Coed League, you hear less swearing. No one needs a Coed Umpire so far up your ass that you’re starting to feel like Richard Simmons on date number 4.
SMELL
I love the smell of a woman’s armpit when she’s not wearing deodorant
Scott Caan
Is it just me or is this guy the male Paris Hilton? He has a career at all because his Dad is fantastic at what he does and he gets the least out of it that he possibly could. He was good in the Ocean’s movies though. The smells of softball are really 4 fold. Dirt, beer, cigarettes and liniment. To change these scents just because you add a gender would be akin to letting Dustin Diamond take over the role of Zack just for the Tori episodes. The scents are the same.
TASTE AND TOUCH
To combine taste and touch is to save time and space.
JD
Taste of softball is beer. Period. End of discussion. Touch in softball is high fives and butt slaps. If it’s coed, maybe you want to refrain from the butt slaps. There’s not a lot to say about these categories.
Moving on. There is one more specific difference between the two leagues. Anticipation. Both leagues anticipate certain opponents whether its for the challenge of facing an undefeated team, or the prospects of playing a team that the “Dane Train” plays for (The DT was a female player on Tony’s Hot Nuts that wore her uniform so well that comments such as “I can’t wait to ride the DT” or “I’ll let her see my locomotive anytime” were weekly staples, even if her team wasn’t playing that week). So what’s the difference? Old Man Leagues anticipate playing against other men, Coed Leagues the guys anticipate playing a team with good looking chicks (see above referenced slutty girls). Oh, and the ball is bright freaking Neon green so you think you’d be able to see it, even when it’s dark outside. Not the case at all. However, when a player misses a play because of the inability to see in a Coed league, that player is laughed at (unless it’s a girl because then they react emotionally and catty for the rest of the game) whereas in a O.M. League that player is chastised and benched.
Me? I’m happy just being on a field, regardless of which league it is. So… If you’d like to sponsor my comeback to hard ball, I am more than willing to take donations, drop me a comment and I’ll tell you where to make the check out.
But the thing you MUST remember is this: Any game played with balls and bats is fantastic and you should feel greatful just to be out there.
It’s an individual playing by himself, for his team. Or herself and her team, but lets be honest, the best thing a girl can usually do is stay out of the way! Was that wrong?
My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, “You’re tearing up the grass!” “We’re not raising grass,” Dad would reply. “We’re raising boys.”
- Harmon Killebrew
Be well.