06.27.07
Sex Tape Power Rankings: Saved by the Bell Edition
Today’s post is actually a repost from something I put on Loosely Based Sports in October when news of Dustin Diamond’s sex tape first hit the E! News crawl. I find this repost both relevant, considering Dustin Diamond’s awesomely bad performance on VH1’s “Celebrity Fit Club: Men vs. Women,” and useful, considering I started a new job this week.
But before that, I made two omissions to “Balls, Nuts and Testicles: A Guide to Proper Usage” The first is STONES i.e. “He’s going to jump that waterfall with his tricycle. That takes stones.” Stones should used when someone does a feat or performs an act that is both (a) in such a profound manner that people should erect a statue, possibly from stone, and (b) non-sexual in nature. Extraordinary heroism, courage, or guts deserves the use of stones. You don’t impregnate someone with stones, but you create legend, and that’s pretty damn admirable.
The second omission is COJONES (pronounced kuh-HO-naiz) i.e. He’s got some cojones, walking through burning hot coals like that. Cojones has almost identical usage traits as Huevos except (a) you should not modify cojones with an adjective like gigante and (b) it can be used in a sexual manner if you have a natural Latin accent. For example, if you are Enrique Iglesias, first off, congratulations, you got a good thing going and thanks for reading the blog. If you are Enrique, you can sweet talk a woman and slip in cojones without losing a beat. “I have enjoyed this date very much. The enchiladas were delicious. Now, I long to kiss you like you’ve never been kissed before and nuzzle your breasts. With my cojones.” Especially effective if it’s the only Spanish word in the sentence and delivered in a whisper. With the natural Latin accent, you can get away with using cojones and still come off as charming. Try reading that with a New York or South Side Chicago accent. It doesn’t work as well.
Thanks, readers, for those suggestions. And now here are my thoughts on Screech:
I just read a story that Dustin Diamond aka Screech has just released a sex tape featuring him and two women. Which got me thinking. Out of all the Saved By the Bell cast members, where does Screech rank in terms sex-tape watchability? Here is my order starting with the character whose sex tape I would most like to see:
1. Kelly Kapowski - the hottest chick on the show, very dirty, also very ambitious. I would think she would take charge in the bedroom. Maybe do a cheer. I could see her playing up to the camera as well because of her outgoing personality
2. Lisa Turtle - underrated hotness, except in Screech’s eyes. Great fashion sense, will probably have on really hot lingerie. The sweetest of the girls, almost like the girl-next-door, which is always a winner in amateur porn.
3. Zack Morris - the girl he’d be doing would be pretty hot, but the key highlight is Zack’s ability to freeze time. Mid-pump, he can give us a run-down on who this girl is and why she’s a one-night stand. Maybe fix himself a sandwich
4. Violet - you know Violet’s a freak. Behind the glasses and the pigtails, that girl is nasty! Shit will get broken. You will see positions you’ve never seen before (shocker, Cleveland Steamer, Hot Carl, etc.) Definitely under the radar, but there’s no way it can disappoint
5. Stacey Corosi - Take charge tough girl will be animal in bed. Plus, you’re at the beachhouse so the view might be nice. My only concern is will she do all the nasty stuff or does she think she’s better than that. With the right director, I think she would do it.
6. Slater - Good moves learned from wrestling team / ballet practice. Major concern is him trying to find a mirror so he can look at himself. Takes time away from the coitus. Will probably score a hot chick because of his status on the athletic fields (always big in high school)
7. Tori - Kind of like Stacey Corosi, but without the beachhouse. Somewhat dull, but definitely hot. Wrong side of the tracks girl might put in a little extra effort to get some attention.
8. Jesse Spano - I saw it already. It’s called Showgirls. It’s not very good. Too much of a headcase. Might start popping speed during the middle of the tape. Still very hot and better than any of the people left on the list.
9. Max - Mainly for the magic. I could see him taking the condom in his hand and turning it into a dove. Or he’s eating her out and he pulls a rabbit out of her pussy.
10. Any of the nerds (sans Screech) - based off the Revenge of the Nerds Theory, the nerds are probably great in bed and attract hot girls. I don’t know if that movie was a true document, but it’s worth a shot to find out.
11. Belding - Not a lot of promise here, but he should make a few good puns. I’m not excited to see him or Mrs. Belding naked. Maybe “putting her in detention” will be interesting, but mainly just wishful thinking on my part.
12. Miss Bliss - attractive in her old age, but will be pretty boring in bed. I’m assuming just missionary. A little too proper. It’s like watching Lady Chatterly’s Lover on Showtime when you’re really in the mood for Insatiable Desires
13. Mr. Corosi - awful, just awful. The folds of fat make this tape a ghastly sight. The only bright spot might be his weight and propensity to be out of breath might lead to the woman riding him, maybe even in a reverse cowgirl - always good for camera purposes. Though the woman Mr. Corosi gets is probably fat too so it could be worse. I’m getting nautious just thinking about it. But Mr. Corosi is still more watchable than. . .
14. Screech - Zoinks! Not only is Screech a huge dork and probably a terrible lover, he would probably have to pull the worst girls. Dirty, ugly girls who would be willing to have sex with Screech. And videotape it. These girls have to be the lowest of the low. There are hookers in Chernobyl that probably would turn Screech down. There is no way this tape can be appealing. They may create a standards of decency board for internet pornography with the sole purpose of stopping this video. I feel very strongly about this. Yet, I would still watch it.
My apologies to those loyal readers of both Loosely Based Sports and Ironic T-Shirt - all ten of you - for the redundancy.