06.22.07

Avril Lavigne and Venereal Disease: A Dream

Posted in Life, Music, Celebrities, Tommy Boy at 7:22 pm by tommyboy

The other night I had a dream that I got a venereal disease from Avril Lavigne. So, good news, I had sex with Avril Lavigne. Bad news, I got VD. It’s a difficult call whether I came out ahead on this one, so I will now examine the situation from a glass half-full / glass half-empty perspective.

Glass half-full - I totally had sex with Avril Lavigne! She’s an international pop sensation. She’s on Maxim’s Hot 100. Chicks who can sing are very sexy. Good work, Tommy.

Glass half-empty - Yeah, she’s on the Maxim Hot 100, but she’s not THAT hot. The Maxim list is bullshit anyway; it’s all about who has the best publicist and whether you’ll do a spread. Avril Lavigne’s kinda dirty (did I mention the venereal disease?) so they’ll get a spread out of her someday and threw her a bone now. I’ve gone my whole life disease free and I’m going to blow that on Avril Lavigne? That’s like going through high school with perfect attendance and two weeks before graduation ditching school for a matinee of Baby Geniuses. If you’re going to blow it, blow it with some style.

Glass half-full: Sure, she’s no Jessica Biel. But she’s quite do-able AND she’s a celebrity. That’s huge. I might get in US Weekly. I could have a good conversation piece at Hollywood parties. If I ever see the dude from Sum 41, I could honestly say, “Yeah, I hit that too.” Then we’d nod in a knowing manner and go off on our way, cause that’s what dude’s do. In between burning sensations, I’d feel pretty proud of myself.

Glass half-empty: She’s a celebrity now, but how far into her fifteen minutes of fame is she? Fourteen? If I said that I got gonnorhea from Sporty Spice, sure it would be cool at the time, but who cares about Sporty Spice now? And I still would have the gonnorhea.

Glass half-full: She’s not going away any time soon. She plays guitar. She’s got a punk attitude. She’s a real musician.

Glass half-empty: Her music sucks. That song “Girlfriend” is terrible.

Glass half-full: I like that song “Girlfriend.” It’s pretty catchy.

Glass half-empty: “Girlfriend” is a really popular song at gay dance clubs. If I like that song, maybe I’m gay.

Glass half-full: If I were gay, I probably wouldn’t have had sex with Avril Lavigne.

Glass half-empty: True. But then I wouldn’t have a venereal disease.

Glass half-full: True.

(Awkward silence)

Glass half-full: Avril Lavigne is Canadian and they have free health care. If I went up to visit Avril, I could get free medicine for my venereal disease. And then probably have sex with her, unless that was a one-time thing which is totally cool.

Glass half-empty: She lives in LA now, so I couldn’t visit her in Canada. Maybe her parents. But that would be awkward. “Hi, your daughter gave me a venereal disease. Do you mind if I crash here and get some free drugs?” It wouldn’t work.

Glass half-full: Oh, she lives in LA. Since we both already had sex and share the same venereal disease, maybe I could drop by and have sex with her again.

Glass half-empty: I think that was a one time thing.

Glass half-full: Totally cool.

It’s tough to determine which side is right in this debate. But that’s how life is. It’s. . . complicated. “Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?” Why indeed.

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