06.18.07

Balls, Nuts, or Testicles: A Guide to Proper Usage

Posted in Life, Tommy Boy at 6:34 pm by tommyboy

Have you ever been in this situation?

Lady Friend: Do you got something in your pockets?

You: Just a huge set of. . . gonads.

You struck out because you used “gonads” instead of the more appropriate “balls” or “nuts” (given some rephrasing). So here’s a handy guide so you can refer to the male reproductive glands in the proper manner.

BALLS

Example: Hey, baby, you want to see my balls?

Usage: Balls should be used for emphasis, either in a sexual manner (”Suck on my balls”) or in telling someone off (”Suck my balls”). This is due to the hard “b” sound at the start of the word. Balls. The word demonstrates confidence in its usage and says you mean business. You can also use balls as a metaphor or in clever allusions to sports. However, even in such situations, balls should be delivered in an assertive manner so the receiver of the message understands your position of power in delivering it. It’s aggressive. It’s a classic.

NUTS

Example: I got a delivery. It’s a bag of nuts. And it’s going to your mouth.

Usage: Considering the derivation from the basic food item, it’s not a coincidence that nuts is best used in metaphors, allusions, poetry etc. See deez nuts in your motherfuckin’ mouth. It’s a lot softer than balls, so it’s not as appropriate in a one-on-one sexual situation as a stand-alone word, but can be used effectively as a coy metaphor. When you ask “Would you like to taste my nuts? They’re salty,” and then you pull out a bag of cashews, you’re referring to both your nuts and your nuts. It works on two levels and shows your intellect. Nuts is also appropriate when someone has an accident (Billy just got jacked in the nuts by a line drive.) This is also due to the elegant nature of the word, this time softening the painful situation.

JUNK

Example: That dude just flashed his junk to a schoolbus.

Usage: By definition, junk is something that people don’t want. So, junk is most properly used when referring to a prank or an instance where you were showing your balls to someone who didn’t want to see them. If you Xeroxed your balls and posted the copies around the office, it’s proper to say “I Xeroxed my junk!” This is especially appropriate if your junk is unkempt - if it’s hairy or not the right color. There is a frat-boy mentality to the word and, with that, the notion that you are doing things with your junk that are funny primarily in the context of men. Junk also does not exclude the penis or the scrotum, it’s the all-in one package. (Sidenote: in the interest of time, this article does not deal with appropriate usage for penis and scrotum synonyms, simply testicle synonyms or terms such as junk that are primarily testicle-related)

GENITALS

Example: Doc, I seem to have a rash on my genitals.

Usage: Due to the vagueness of genitals (also can refer to a female), genitals should primarily be used when you want to be vague. Especially in an embarrassing situation. In a doctor’s office, explaining a disease to a loved one (Honey, I, uh, think you should have a doctor check out your, uh, genitals.), or in a court of law (Your honor, I admit, my genitals were placed on the defendant’s forehead and, yes, I did take a picture.) It’s the official terminology from the unofficial source. Doctor uses testicles, patient uses genitals, unless the patient is younger or the doctor is uncomfortable, in which case genitals may be used.

BUSINESS

Example: Baby, why don’t I take this off and show you my business?

Usage: Much like junk or genitals, business has a vagueness to it, but unlike them it also has a sexual aggressiveness to it. So you can use business with the same assertiveness that you use balls (again, the hard “b” sound), but you can always brush it off as a joke if the listener is offended. “Take a good look at my business.” Try to avoid using it as a metaphor because, unlike balls or nuts, people will more often confuse it with your occupation. Instead, point to your genitals and really hit the “biz” in “business.”

PRIVATES

Example: I enjoyed the sex scenes in Saving Ryan’s Privates.

Usage: Privates whould really only be used in birds and bees speeches and clever pornography titles

TESTICLES

Example: I met with Dr. Goldman today and he said my testicles are misshapen.

Usage: Testicles should primarily be used in situations where science or doctors are involved. If you are a doctor, you don’t want to go up to a patient and say, “So I was chekcing out your balls and. . .” You want to say, “So after looking at your testicles, I concluded. . .” It’s official and should really be used exclusively in an official context.

TESTES

Example: OK, class, boys have testes and girls have ovaries.

Usage: Testes should only be used when instructing children in grade school sex-ed classes, primarily because it’s the most kid-friendly sounding synonym for balls. Also the presence of the word “test” in the word could potentially confuse kids into thinking sex is something they shouldn’t participate in. The other offshoot of this primary usage is 10-year old boys giggling while saying the word testes because they think it’s a dirty word, when in reality it’s quite tame. While lame, testes is appropriately used in said context.

GONADS (or in short, NADS)

Example: That tackle has some serious gonads, playing with a bum leg.

Usage: Gonads doesn’t have a lot going for it, and nads even less so. The only proper usage is when you are demonstrating someone’s courage - i.e. in a political or sports arena - if you can’t use the word balls because your medium won’t allow it (radio/TV) or because you’ve already used balls too many times in conversation and you are looking for variety. There are so many more effective words than gonads that I would advise it should only be used for variety or to surprise the listener.

HUEVOS

Example: That guy has some huevos gigante.

Usage: Obviously, huevos can be used when talking to Hispanic people, although when trying to impress a Hispanic lady you should still use balls. But turning to the Spanish translation is most approproately used for empahasizing the size of someone’s testicles, either because they demonstrate courage or because they are anatomically gifted. It’s as if you need to learn a new language to understand the size of this person’s genitals. They droop to Mexico. When using huevos, you should place your hands at least 6 inches below your actual balls to exaggerate the size in a visual form. This also helps your non-Spanish-speaking friends to understand what you are talking about. Huevos should be said in a slightly Spanish accent and ended with a Spanish adjective such as grande or gigante.

Hopefully this guide will help you avoid any future embarrassing situations. And maybe help you become a better person.

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