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06.27.07
Posted in Saved by the Bell, Life, Celebrities, Television, Tommy Boy at 12:36 am by tommyboy
Today’s post is actually a repost from something I put on Loosely Based Sports in October when news of Dustin Diamond’s sex tape first hit the E! News crawl. I find this repost both relevant, considering Dustin Diamond’s awesomely bad performance on VH1’s “Celebrity Fit Club: Men vs. Women,” and useful, considering I started a new job this week.
But before that, I made two omissions to “Balls, Nuts and Testicles: A Guide to Proper Usage” The first is STONES i.e. “He’s going to jump that waterfall with his tricycle. That takes stones.” Stones should used when someone does a feat or performs an act that is both (a) in such a profound manner that people should erect a statue, possibly from stone, and (b) non-sexual in nature. Extraordinary heroism, courage, or guts deserves the use of stones. You don’t impregnate someone with stones, but you create legend, and that’s pretty damn admirable.
The second omission is COJONES (pronounced kuh-HO-naiz) i.e. He’s got some cojones, walking through burning hot coals like that. Cojones has almost identical usage traits as Huevos except (a) you should not modify cojones with an adjective like gigante and (b) it can be used in a sexual manner if you have a natural Latin accent. For example, if you are Enrique Iglesias, first off, congratulations, you got a good thing going and thanks for reading the blog. If you are Enrique, you can sweet talk a woman and slip in cojones without losing a beat. “I have enjoyed this date very much. The enchiladas were delicious. Now, I long to kiss you like you’ve never been kissed before and nuzzle your breasts. With my cojones.” Especially effective if it’s the only Spanish word in the sentence and delivered in a whisper. With the natural Latin accent, you can get away with using cojones and still come off as charming. Try reading that with a New York or South Side Chicago accent. It doesn’t work as well.
Thanks, readers, for those suggestions. And now here are my thoughts on Screech:
I just read a story that Dustin Diamond aka Screech has just released a sex tape featuring him and two women. Which got me thinking. Out of all the Saved By the Bell cast members, where does Screech rank in terms sex-tape watchability? Here is my order starting with the character whose sex tape I would most like to see:
1. Kelly Kapowski - the hottest chick on the show, very dirty, also very ambitious. I would think she would take charge in the bedroom. Maybe do a cheer. I could see her playing up to the camera as well because of her outgoing personality
2. Lisa Turtle - underrated hotness, except in Screech’s eyes. Great fashion sense, will probably have on really hot lingerie. The sweetest of the girls, almost like the girl-next-door, which is always a winner in amateur porn.
3. Zack Morris - the girl he’d be doing would be pretty hot, but the key highlight is Zack’s ability to freeze time. Mid-pump, he can give us a run-down on who this girl is and why she’s a one-night stand. Maybe fix himself a sandwich
4. Violet - you know Violet’s a freak. Behind the glasses and the pigtails, that girl is nasty! Shit will get broken. You will see positions you’ve never seen before (shocker, Cleveland Steamer, Hot Carl, etc.) Definitely under the radar, but there’s no way it can disappoint
5. Stacey Corosi - Take charge tough girl will be animal in bed. Plus, you’re at the beachhouse so the view might be nice. My only concern is will she do all the nasty stuff or does she think she’s better than that. With the right director, I think she would do it.
6. Slater - Good moves learned from wrestling team / ballet practice. Major concern is him trying to find a mirror so he can look at himself. Takes time away from the coitus. Will probably score a hot chick because of his status on the athletic fields (always big in high school)
7. Tori - Kind of like Stacey Corosi, but without the beachhouse. Somewhat dull, but definitely hot. Wrong side of the tracks girl might put in a little extra effort to get some attention.
8. Jesse Spano - I saw it already. It’s called Showgirls. It’s not very good. Too much of a headcase. Might start popping speed during the middle of the tape. Still very hot and better than any of the people left on the list.
9. Max - Mainly for the magic. I could see him taking the condom in his hand and turning it into a dove. Or he’s eating her out and he pulls a rabbit out of her pussy.
10. Any of the nerds (sans Screech) - based off the Revenge of the Nerds Theory, the nerds are probably great in bed and attract hot girls. I don’t know if that movie was a true document, but it’s worth a shot to find out.
11. Belding - Not a lot of promise here, but he should make a few good puns. I’m not excited to see him or Mrs. Belding naked. Maybe “putting her in detention” will be interesting, but mainly just wishful thinking on my part.
12. Miss Bliss - attractive in her old age, but will be pretty boring in bed. I’m assuming just missionary. A little too proper. It’s like watching Lady Chatterly’s Lover on Showtime when you’re really in the mood for Insatiable Desires
13. Mr. Corosi - awful, just awful. The folds of fat make this tape a ghastly sight. The only bright spot might be his weight and propensity to be out of breath might lead to the woman riding him, maybe even in a reverse cowgirl - always good for camera purposes. Though the woman Mr. Corosi gets is probably fat too so it could be worse. I’m getting nautious just thinking about it. But Mr. Corosi is still more watchable than. . .
14. Screech - Zoinks! Not only is Screech a huge dork and probably a terrible lover, he would probably have to pull the worst girls. Dirty, ugly girls who would be willing to have sex with Screech. And videotape it. These girls have to be the lowest of the low. There are hookers in Chernobyl that probably would turn Screech down. There is no way this tape can be appealing. They may create a standards of decency board for internet pornography with the sole purpose of stopping this video. I feel very strongly about this. Yet, I would still watch it.
My apologies to those loyal readers of both Loosely Based Sports and Ironic T-Shirt - all ten of you - for the redundancy.
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06.22.07
Posted in Life, Music, Celebrities, Tommy Boy at 7:22 pm by tommyboy
The other night I had a dream that I got a venereal disease from Avril Lavigne. So, good news, I had sex with Avril Lavigne. Bad news, I got VD. It’s a difficult call whether I came out ahead on this one, so I will now examine the situation from a glass half-full / glass half-empty perspective.
Glass half-full - I totally had sex with Avril Lavigne! She’s an international pop sensation. She’s on Maxim’s Hot 100. Chicks who can sing are very sexy. Good work, Tommy.
Glass half-empty - Yeah, she’s on the Maxim Hot 100, but she’s not THAT hot. The Maxim list is bullshit anyway; it’s all about who has the best publicist and whether you’ll do a spread. Avril Lavigne’s kinda dirty (did I mention the venereal disease?) so they’ll get a spread out of her someday and threw her a bone now. I’ve gone my whole life disease free and I’m going to blow that on Avril Lavigne? That’s like going through high school with perfect attendance and two weeks before graduation ditching school for a matinee of Baby Geniuses. If you’re going to blow it, blow it with some style.
Glass half-full: Sure, she’s no Jessica Biel. But she’s quite do-able AND she’s a celebrity. That’s huge. I might get in US Weekly. I could have a good conversation piece at Hollywood parties. If I ever see the dude from Sum 41, I could honestly say, “Yeah, I hit that too.” Then we’d nod in a knowing manner and go off on our way, cause that’s what dude’s do. In between burning sensations, I’d feel pretty proud of myself.
Glass half-empty: She’s a celebrity now, but how far into her fifteen minutes of fame is she? Fourteen? If I said that I got gonnorhea from Sporty Spice, sure it would be cool at the time, but who cares about Sporty Spice now? And I still would have the gonnorhea.
Glass half-full: She’s not going away any time soon. She plays guitar. She’s got a punk attitude. She’s a real musician.
Glass half-empty: Her music sucks. That song “Girlfriend” is terrible.
Glass half-full: I like that song “Girlfriend.” It’s pretty catchy.
Glass half-empty: “Girlfriend” is a really popular song at gay dance clubs. If I like that song, maybe I’m gay.
Glass half-full: If I were gay, I probably wouldn’t have had sex with Avril Lavigne.
Glass half-empty: True. But then I wouldn’t have a venereal disease.
Glass half-full: True.
(Awkward silence)
Glass half-full: Avril Lavigne is Canadian and they have free health care. If I went up to visit Avril, I could get free medicine for my venereal disease. And then probably have sex with her, unless that was a one-time thing which is totally cool.
Glass half-empty: She lives in LA now, so I couldn’t visit her in Canada. Maybe her parents. But that would be awkward. “Hi, your daughter gave me a venereal disease. Do you mind if I crash here and get some free drugs?” It wouldn’t work.
Glass half-full: Oh, she lives in LA. Since we both already had sex and share the same venereal disease, maybe I could drop by and have sex with her again.
Glass half-empty: I think that was a one time thing.
Glass half-full: Totally cool.
It’s tough to determine which side is right in this debate. But that’s how life is. It’s. . . complicated. “Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?” Why indeed.
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06.21.07
Posted in Life, Music, JD at 1:15 pm by jd
I’ve been inspired by the VH1 Countdown post and the Top Summer Songs post and have decided to venture back into the realm of music myself; lets give this a whirl. The emotion music evokes can be therapeutic in a number of circumstances. These situations can include, but are not limited to the death of your dog, harsh feelings on war, scopin’ some fine ace on the streets or in da club, expressing resentment towards other musicians who you may not enjoy or everyone’s favorite, falling in love. In this blog, I’d like to tackle the opposite; breaking up. Everyone’s had to do it or will have to at some point, so I’d like to lend some assistance to those who might enter this boat in the not so distant future, as I don’t plan on it myself. No, “The Hardest Part of Breaking Up” by 2gether did not make the list. So without much further ado, I give to you, the 20 Best Break Up Songs (that I could think of over the past couple days) along with a lyric from each. This will include 5 classics and 15 you may not know. Enjoy, and then cry yourself to sleep. (Warning: Print and take to the bathroom, it’s a long one, longest ever maybe. Sorry.)
Los Songs Clasicos:
You Give Love a Bad Name – Bon Jovi
Does this song even need an explanation? If you can’t scream out your frustrations in ending a relationship where you were tortured, where can you? You promise me Heaven then put me through Hell. Chains of love got a hold on me, when passion’s a prison you can’t break free… Shot through the heart and you’re too blame, you give love a bad name. I play my part and you play your game…
Against All Odds – Phil Collins
This is for you hopeless romantics that hope the evil woman will come back. You’re holding out and thinking that she’ll come around, kind of like when you asked your Mom if you were allowed to stay over your girlfriend’s house in high school for the first time. She says no, but you pray she’ll change her mind and just trust you. It’s not happening, kids. I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry. There’s so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why. You’re the only one who really knew me at all.
Positively 4th Street – Bob Dylan
A classic that you might not know, this song should transcend generations with its contemporary lyrics of desperation, but since it’s old and anyone born after 1980 is a pop-punk snob, this song will likely be lost in the depths sooner rather than later. But check it out, it’s a good’n. You got a lotta nerve to say you got a helping hand to lend, you just want to be on the side that’s winning… Do you take me for such a fool to think I’d make contact with the one who tries to hide what he don’t know to begin with?
End of the Road – Boyz II Men
Along with its Spanish counterpart (Al Final del Camino, released on the special edition version of CooleyHighHarmony), End of the Road is perhaps the sappiest R & B break up song of all time, and nothing less would be expected from Legends BIIM. This also could be the best Soundtrack song ever (Boomerang). This is another song for the people trying to win their boy/girl back. Well I can’t sleep at night without holding you tight, girl each time I try I just break down and cry. Pain in my head, oh I’d rather be dead, spinnin’ around and around.
I Will Survive – Gloria Gaynor
Everyone knows this hot jam, but few people equate it to breaking up, they just think of it as a hot jam that’s a classic. Parents can listen to it with their kids and reminisce about the days when Motown was where it’s at (I have no problem NOT listening to the Temptations, which is weird). I love this song because when I was a Junior in High School I went on a weekend trip to New York with my Drama Club (yes, I’m a Drama Nerd and I’m proud. Speaking of which, why call it drama club when 99% of high schools perform comedies because the directors think they are easier when in fact comedy is the most difficult style of acting to pull off? I smell another post, oh wait, I just haven’t showered yet today. Sorry, back to the post.) and we stayed a block from Times Square. One morning a group of us were going to eat breakfast next to where they shoot the Letterman show and as we walked out of our hotel, we heard this song playing. Figuring it was just someone playing music in the morning, we thought nothing of it, until we turned around and there on stage was Gloria Gaynor belting it out. Fantastic turn of events that morning. And Letterman even showed up to eat breakfast with us! Ok, not really. Go on now go, walk out the door, don’t turn around now cause you’re not welcome anymore. Weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye? Did you think I’d crumble? Did you think I’d lay down and die? Oh no, not I…
“Note” Worthy – We’re Not Making Love No More – Dru Hill
Los Songs That You Might Not Know
Screenwriting an Apology – Hawthorne Heights
This is for the people who like hybrid songs of heavier moments and softer touch. Similar in style to their song “Ohio is for Lovers,” this song says I want you back, but I’m not sure why. Just wake me when it’s over, when the curtains raise it’s time to move on. Exit now, credits rolling, the girl who stole my heart, the one that got away… Scene missing, fade to black, you’re acting all this out again.
Song for the Dumped – Ben Folds Five
The ultimate in angst ridden, get-out-of-my-life music. This song is about as subtle as Richard Simmons flirting at the Million Man March. Wait, you don’t get that reference? Me either, it’s because it’s doesn’t make sense. This song, however, does make sense, like Malcolm X rallying a crowd at the Gay Pride Festival. So you wanted to take a break? Slow it down some and have some space? F*** you too! Give me my money back, give me my money back you bitch! I want my money back. And don’t forget to give me back my black t-shirt. I wish I hadn’t bought you dinner right before you dumped me on your front porch.
Anywhere With You – Saves the Day
I love this song primarily because people that haven’t heard it and are just desperately looking for a song to put on a Mix Tape for a girl could mistake the title for something romantic only to hear it later and crap their pants while trying to explain to their lady friend the mix up (sound familiar, AJ?). I know I can’t come near you, everytime I do I get to shaking inside and the sun in my eyes so I’ll stay away. I’d rather be here than anywhere with you. I’ve been dancing with your ghost, toasting note to note. So here’s to the passing of all that could be between you and me.
Walk On – U2
Big U2 fans like Johnny Drama will know this one. It’s about having the strength to deal and get past the chick or dude that broke your heart. Victory! The only baggage you can bring is all that you can’t leave behind…And I know it aches and your heart, it breaks, you can only take so much. Walk on… You’ve got to leave it behind.
Another Lonely Day – Ben Harper
The next Hendrix (after his Star Spangled Banner performance in Cleveland) has a depressing song about being alone, welcome to the world of music. I think every musician has written a song like this at some point. I like this one. I’d rather walk alone than chase you around, I’d rather fall myself than have you drag me on down. It wouldn’t have worked out anyway, so for now it’s just another lonely day…
Bulimic – The Used
Catchy beat, pop-punk type band and song, what’s not to love, children of baby boomers? Plus its named after a common eating disorder, it’s perfectly fitting in this day and age. Makes me sick, no pun intended. And did I mention in this song that the guy is in control for a change? From the way that you acted to the way that I felt it, it wasn’t worth my time. And now it’s sad cause all I missed wasn’t that good to begin with. And now I’ve started you begging saying things that you don’t mean, it isn’t worth my time. A line’s a dime a million times and I’m about to see all of them… I’m about to see a million things I thought I’d never see before and I’m about to do all of the things I’ve dreamed of and I don’t even miss you at all. Goodbye to you, you’re taking up my time.
Empty Apartment – Yellowcard
Yellowcard is extremely underrated. They are the new Poison, the group no one expected to catch on but still made hits for years and years. The violin gets me. This song is about breaking up, but still being able to be there for each other and maybe remain buddies in time. I could put the entire song’s lyrics here, but just listen to it. Waking up from this nightmare, how’s your life? What’s it like there? Is it all what you want it to be? Does it hurt when you think about me and how broken my heart is?… When you get lonely and no one’s around, you know that I’ll catch you when you’re falling down. We came together but you left alone and I know how it feels to walk out on your own, maybe someday I will see you again and you’ll look me in my eyes and call me your friend.
Walking By – Something Corporate
The hardest part of making this list was whittling down the groups who had multiple songs and picking my favorite. So Co had a bunch of songs I could have used, as did spin off Jack’s Mannequin, but this song just takes the cake, narrowly edging “Bad Day” (It’s been a bad day, another bad day, and all I wanna do is look at you and know I’m ok.) and the Jack’s jam “Rescued” (Say you’ll miss me one last time, and I’ll be strong, whatever you do, just please don’t get me rescued). This song is beautifully harmonic to people of all ages and is just damn good writing. Plus, the piano is perfect for a melancholy tune. Why do you look when you’ve already found me?… Why do you leave these questions unanswered? The circus awaits, you’re already gone. My Cheshire Cat doorstop, with fear in her smile, what makes it so easy for you to be walking by? What did I do that you can’t seem to want me and why do we lie here and whisper goodbyes? Where can I go that your pictures won’t haunt me? What makes it so easy for you to be walking by?
Happier – Guster
Another just all around good song from a band that could have multiple on this list. This song is about time wasted and finally telling your ex to go pound salt. Well you knew this would come and you left me all alone, you’re lost and long gone, don’t take it so seriously, go on get going I’m fine on my own, and what got me this far, I finally got it figured out. And you’re gone now, and did it make you happier? One more inch, you son of a bitch, you’ve been a waste of my time, always! And now you’re half awake, you bend till you break and make the same mistake, always! So go on…
Don’t Push Love Away – The Juliana Theory
15 down, 5 to go and this one you probably haven’t heard. You’ll probably also have a hard time finding the full song unless you buy the album. This song is much different than most JT songs, it’s mellow and cool. It’s about telling a person who has trouble connecting that if they open up, things will be ok. Just like how Dr. Turk couldn’t open up to JD on Scrubs, but he finally did and everyone lived happily ever after with Appletini’s. Here’s a thought, if you’re willing to listen. I only tell the truth of the feelings I’m given. Can you hear me now? Listen. She’s crying… can you feel me now, this time? Whispers in the rain, lying awake. Don’t push love away, you know you do. It’s all we have.
She Says – Howie Day
Ah, finally a song that deals with the competition. This song, unlike the ‘N Sync ditty “It Makes Me Ill,” talks straight to the new guy. Whereas Justin is saying he met the new guy and he’s not worried about the competishhh, Howie is saying, “Look here, Buddy, you’ve got no shot.” Sweet is the sight of her room, window open by candle light. How would you know… and when she says she wants somebody else, I hope you know that she doesn’t mean you. And when she breaks down and makes a sound, you’ll never hear her the way that I do…
Slow Down – The Academy Is…
I love this song. It’s BAM! Right in your face, take this, eat it and leave me the hell alone you worthless piece of crap. The only way you could be less important to me is if your parents hadn’t bumped uglies to bring you here in the first place. Take back everything you ever said, you never meant a word of it, you never did. She said “Alright, alright slow down.” Oh no, we won’t cause I regret everything that I said to ever make her feel like she was something special or that she ever really mattered. Did she ever really matter?
Broken Promise Ring – The Ataris
Three songs left, all very high school. Check out the words, it’s a good upbeat jam. I really want to call you, but I know that it’s not right, I probably shouldn’t tell you, but I dreamt of you last night. I guess I’m not prepared to say Goodbye, so long, farewell, I won’t be seeing you again until next time that it goes our way. I guess that I’m wrong for falling in love, but you’re still the one that I’m thinking of, I guess that its you who I want to old onto, but you’re holding onto someone else…
Screaming Infidelities – Dashboard Confessional
This is the perfect little ditty to the chick that left you for another guy and is rubbing your face all in it at every possibly opportunity. We’ve all been with this girl and we all hate her now and hate how we made ourselves miserable over her. She wasn’t even worth it we say, then we listen to “Slow Down” (2 songs up) and make ourselves feel better. This is the ultimate cry over spilt milk song, and we really do hate ourselves for wallowing in it when it’s over. That said, it’s a large part of the grieving and growing process. I’m missing your bed, I never sleep, avoiding the spots where we’d have to speak, and this bottle of Beast is taking me home. I’m cuddling close to blankets and sheets, you’re not alone and you’re not discreet, make sure I know who’s taking you home. Well as for now I’m gonna hear the saddest songs and sit alone and wonder how you’re making out. But as for me, I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone, making out.
Sonny – New Found Glory
Finally, we reach the last song, compliments of AJ. I’d forgotten about this one and really, it’s just a sad song. It’s more about losing a loved one than breaking up, but it serves the purpose. I think it’s a fitting end based on it’s primary lyric. Read on. When you lose a part of yourself to somebody you know, it takes a lot to let go. With every breath that you remember, pictures fade away but memory’s forever. An empty chair at all the tables, and I’ll be seeing you when all my days boil down, for now we’ll say goodbye, we know it’s not the last time. I’ve lost the best part of my day. This is the last thing I, I will remember. It’s better where you’re going anyway.
“Note” Worthy – Sunday Drive by The Early November
The silence from the side of the car tells me everything and how we are. There’s no more trying to make this alright, there’s no more trying tonight. Twelve days gone by since I have saw you last, I’ll give this one more try. I’ll give it all my best and I’ll ask what could you be doing that is so much fun without me by your side? And I will take a step back, and I’ll let you ahead and I will take a step away and see if you come back because there’s no more trying to make this alright. We will never be the same until you’re done.
Be well.
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Posted in Music, Big D at 9:27 am by Big D
I recently had the pleasure of checking out Poison in concert - but I almost didn’t make it.
A friend of mine who was heading to the show with me mentioned that they had a new album coming out. <Cue loud record-scratch> This was nearly a deal-breaker: while I love rocking out to classics like Look What the Cat Dragged In and Unskinny Bop, I simply don’t have the patience to listen to “something off our new album”.
…But then he quickly changed my opinion with this key detail: It’s a COVER ALBUM!
Awesome. So not only would the night be filled with Poison’s greatest hits, but we’d also get to hear their rendition of some classics such as Suffragette City, Your Momma Don’t Dance, and Just What I Needed. And, just when you thought that the Annual Summertime White Trash Bash couldn’t get any better, C.C. Deville covers Ray Charles’ Georgia on guitar with piano accompaniment.
It was an entertaining show as usual, complete with pyro and tons of people watching… not bad for an $8 ticket from the local Street Sellers (as an aside, I’ve recently learned that the term “scalper” is considered derrogatory).
After the encore, Bret, Bobby, Rikki, and C.C. told us “we’ll see you next summer!” …and you can bet that they’re right.
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06.18.07
Posted in Life, Tommy Boy at 6:34 pm by tommyboy
Have you ever been in this situation?
Lady Friend: Do you got something in your pockets?
You: Just a huge set of. . . gonads.
You struck out because you used “gonads” instead of the more appropriate “balls” or “nuts” (given some rephrasing). So here’s a handy guide so you can refer to the male reproductive glands in the proper manner.
BALLS
Example: Hey, baby, you want to see my balls?
Usage: Balls should be used for emphasis, either in a sexual manner (”Suck on my balls”) or in telling someone off (”Suck my balls”). This is due to the hard “b” sound at the start of the word. Balls. The word demonstrates confidence in its usage and says you mean business. You can also use balls as a metaphor or in clever allusions to sports. However, even in such situations, balls should be delivered in an assertive manner so the receiver of the message understands your position of power in delivering it. It’s aggressive. It’s a classic.
NUTS
Example: I got a delivery. It’s a bag of nuts. And it’s going to your mouth.
Usage: Considering the derivation from the basic food item, it’s not a coincidence that nuts is best used in metaphors, allusions, poetry etc. See deez nuts in your motherfuckin’ mouth. It’s a lot softer than balls, so it’s not as appropriate in a one-on-one sexual situation as a stand-alone word, but can be used effectively as a coy metaphor. When you ask “Would you like to taste my nuts? They’re salty,” and then you pull out a bag of cashews, you’re referring to both your nuts and your nuts. It works on two levels and shows your intellect. Nuts is also appropriate when someone has an accident (Billy just got jacked in the nuts by a line drive.) This is also due to the elegant nature of the word, this time softening the painful situation.
JUNK
Example: That dude just flashed his junk to a schoolbus.
Usage: By definition, junk is something that people don’t want. So, junk is most properly used when referring to a prank or an instance where you were showing your balls to someone who didn’t want to see them. If you Xeroxed your balls and posted the copies around the office, it’s proper to say “I Xeroxed my junk!” This is especially appropriate if your junk is unkempt - if it’s hairy or not the right color. There is a frat-boy mentality to the word and, with that, the notion that you are doing things with your junk that are funny primarily in the context of men. Junk also does not exclude the penis or the scrotum, it’s the all-in one package. (Sidenote: in the interest of time, this article does not deal with appropriate usage for penis and scrotum synonyms, simply testicle synonyms or terms such as junk that are primarily testicle-related)
GENITALS
Example: Doc, I seem to have a rash on my genitals.
Usage: Due to the vagueness of genitals (also can refer to a female), genitals should primarily be used when you want to be vague. Especially in an embarrassing situation. In a doctor’s office, explaining a disease to a loved one (Honey, I, uh, think you should have a doctor check out your, uh, genitals.), or in a court of law (Your honor, I admit, my genitals were placed on the defendant’s forehead and, yes, I did take a picture.) It’s the official terminology from the unofficial source. Doctor uses testicles, patient uses genitals, unless the patient is younger or the doctor is uncomfortable, in which case genitals may be used.
BUSINESS
Example: Baby, why don’t I take this off and show you my business?
Usage: Much like junk or genitals, business has a vagueness to it, but unlike them it also has a sexual aggressiveness to it. So you can use business with the same assertiveness that you use balls (again, the hard “b” sound), but you can always brush it off as a joke if the listener is offended. “Take a good look at my business.” Try to avoid using it as a metaphor because, unlike balls or nuts, people will more often confuse it with your occupation. Instead, point to your genitals and really hit the “biz” in “business.”
PRIVATES
Example: I enjoyed the sex scenes in Saving Ryan’s Privates.
Usage: Privates whould really only be used in birds and bees speeches and clever pornography titles
TESTICLES
Example: I met with Dr. Goldman today and he said my testicles are misshapen.
Usage: Testicles should primarily be used in situations where science or doctors are involved. If you are a doctor, you don’t want to go up to a patient and say, “So I was chekcing out your balls and. . .” You want to say, “So after looking at your testicles, I concluded. . .” It’s official and should really be used exclusively in an official context.
TESTES
Example: OK, class, boys have testes and girls have ovaries.
Usage: Testes should only be used when instructing children in grade school sex-ed classes, primarily because it’s the most kid-friendly sounding synonym for balls. Also the presence of the word “test” in the word could potentially confuse kids into thinking sex is something they shouldn’t participate in. The other offshoot of this primary usage is 10-year old boys giggling while saying the word testes because they think it’s a dirty word, when in reality it’s quite tame. While lame, testes is appropriately used in said context.
GONADS (or in short, NADS)
Example: That tackle has some serious gonads, playing with a bum leg.
Usage: Gonads doesn’t have a lot going for it, and nads even less so. The only proper usage is when you are demonstrating someone’s courage - i.e. in a political or sports arena - if you can’t use the word balls because your medium won’t allow it (radio/TV) or because you’ve already used balls too many times in conversation and you are looking for variety. There are so many more effective words than gonads that I would advise it should only be used for variety or to surprise the listener.
HUEVOS
Example: That guy has some huevos gigante.
Usage: Obviously, huevos can be used when talking to Hispanic people, although when trying to impress a Hispanic lady you should still use balls. But turning to the Spanish translation is most approproately used for empahasizing the size of someone’s testicles, either because they demonstrate courage or because they are anatomically gifted. It’s as if you need to learn a new language to understand the size of this person’s genitals. They droop to Mexico. When using huevos, you should place your hands at least 6 inches below your actual balls to exaggerate the size in a visual form. This also helps your non-Spanish-speaking friends to understand what you are talking about. Huevos should be said in a slightly Spanish accent and ended with a Spanish adjective such as grande or gigante.
Hopefully this guide will help you avoid any future embarrassing situations. And maybe help you become a better person.
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06.14.07
Posted in AJ, Life, Music at 1:07 pm by AJ
Summer is upon us and with is comes music festivals, picnics, and cookouts. People tend to be outside during summer in pools, on front porches, or taking road trips and the one constant about these summer activities is music. Everywhere you go there is music playing and during the summer it all seems to be up beat and enjoyable. There are some singers who’s voices and style appear to be perfect for the those long summer months (i.e. Sinatra and the gang) and then there are bands that seem to only be around during the months of sun and leisure. Since I was a kid I have always thought of specific songs as meant for summer and so without further adieu here is my summer soundtrack… (note: these are the songs I’ve chosen. They are in no particular order and are open for discussion. I also took the liberty of adding in my favorite lyrics from the song because at my internship I have that kind of time.)
1. Centerfield- John Fogerty: Of course I’m going to start with a song about baseball. Although this song discusses the opening of a new season, which is the spring time, this song is played in ballparks and stadiums all summer long and makes us all feel as if we could make an over the shoulder Mays like catch… “So say hey willie, tell ty cobb and joe dimaggio; Don’t say “it ain’t so”, you know the time is now.”
2. Slow Ride - FogHat- This is one for all of the classic rock lovers out there or, if your like me, lovers of the movie Dazed and Confused. This is the quintessential movie about school letting out and enjoying a day in the life of a summer time high schooler. It shows that all of the problems of sports, girls and class seem to melt away. This soundtrack is chalk full of summer classic rock from Skynyrd to ZZ Top but Slow Ride will forever stick in my mind because of the end of the movie. The main characters head off to get Aerosmith tickets (”Top priotrity of the summer”) and are driving down the road as Foghat plays in the background…priceless “Slow down, go down, got to get your lovin’ one more time Hold me, roll me, slow ridin’ woman you’re so fine.”
3. Summertime -Bachelor Number One- This song is from the American Pie soundtrack and is the first of a few with the word “summer” actually in the title. Since 7th grade I’ve listened to this song on the last day of school and before the first day of school with my brother to remind us how perfect summer time is. It has classic lyrics such as “kick off your shoes, the booze, and use anything but your mind…cause this is the summer time…” This song is as close to summer perfection as I can possibly imagine and reminds me of the high school adolescence that we all miss from time to time.
4. Black Rock- O.A.R.- Of A Revolution or OAR as they are better known is one of those bands that I’m pretty sure hibernates from October til may only to resurface with catchy songs to be played at rib cook offs around the country (See: Crazy Game of Poker). This specific song is a great little diddy about sitting out on the rocks near a lake. It’s a peaceful and easy going work that reminds us that sometimes you just have to get away and listen to the waves. “On the black rock is where i spend my time writing a memory or writing a rhyme thinking about what is right or wrong”
5. Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay- Otis Redding- This may be more of a vacation song than summer but much like Black Rock it shows that sitting around watching the tide roll in can be one of the best ways to spend a summer day. “Look like nothing’s gonna change. Everything still remains the same. I can’t do what ten people tell me to do. So I guess I’ll remain the same”
6. Boys of Summer - Don Henley- Another with the word summer in the title, this is one of those timeless classics that will forever be loved (and remade…ahem -ataris). It talks about a man who loves a girl and how his love will still be strong after she’s finished with all of her summer flings. This man is either truly in love or retarded. “I never will forget those nights, i wonder if it was a dream. Remember how you drove me crazy? remember how i made you scream?”
7. Up All Night- Unwritten Law- This is an unusual pick but it was one that was played in my car on trips to Cedar Point throughout my teenage years. Its best line “Cuz we’re alright, we’re up all night ,To see the sun come up again now. Just one more time no reason why. To see the sun come up again” Is a reminder that you don’t need a reason to stay up all night… It’s summer, why not? Side note: it also talks about smoking pot on the front porch…if you’re into that kind of thing
8. Holiday From Real - Jack’s Mannequin- Everything In Transit, Jack’s first album, may just be the best cd every created period let alone for the summer and so picking just one song from it was tough. I Choose Holiday because of one line “California in the Summer, Ah, and my hair is growin’ long, Fuck yeah, we can live like this”… poetry. Who doesn’t want to live like that? Andrew McMahon… you are a gift from God.
9. Summertime - DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince You can’t have a summer cd without having this song on it. Everyone born in the 80’s grew up with this song and is reminded of that final day of 6th grade running home from school to jump in a pool and kick it big willy style. “Summa, Summa, Summatime…Time to sit back and unwind.”
10. Just Cruisin’ - Will Smith- yes a 2nd Will Smith song… This one is all about drivin’ around by yourself on a nice day just listenin’ to music and not having a care in the world. The only difference is that Will is cruising in an Aston Martin and we were in a 1991 Buick park avenue… style. “Just Cruisin’…where baby? I don’t care”
11. Esta Vida - Grasshopper Takeover- “Esta Vida is Life…” That’s not just a translation, it’s the songs most used lyric. This song defines summer. It talks of cheap nights at bars and a girl he loves. This is another band like OAR where every song just reminds you of summer. (also listen to: Forever Young) “Everything is gonna be okay, when the day turns to night or the night turns into day. I’d fall apart but for the melody in my view.”
12. Summer of ‘69 - Bryan Adams- “The Canadian government has apologized numerous times for Bryan Adams” but they don’t need to apologize for this tasty lick. It speaks of a better time when all there was to worry about was summer crushes and a smooth playin’ 6-string. “Standin’ on your mama’s porch, You told me it would last forever. Oh the way you held my hand I knew that it was now or never. Those were the best days of my life”
13. Summer ‘79- The Ataris- They took a high risk shot by trying their own version of the Canadian classic but they did rather well. They sing about roller rinks, drive ins and laying on the roof watching the stars. Not a bad summer day. “We Are the Champions” playing out on the radio station. Everyone sing along with these anthems of our generation. Cruisin’ down Pacific Coast Highway, Put the top down, crawl into the back seat. Let’s create anthems of our own tonight.”
14. Loner - Ekoostik Hookah- Another less known song…This hippie band sings of the beaches and a freedom in life that seems only possible under the warmth of summer. Sometimes we all just need to get away from it all. “And they’re askin’ me where’d you get that tan boy and I’ll say out on the beaches of life…”
15. Where Summer B? - Ben Folds Five- Sadly the only time Ben will be on this list. This song is compliments of JD and is another one I enjoy listening to on the first day of summer. “They’re asking where you been like I know where ya been. hey Summer, where ya been?”
16. Constellations - Jack Johnson Much like OAR, Jack’s and Ben; Jack Johnson is a guy who could have any number of songs on this list. I choose Constellations because its a slower song and perhaps his most beautiful. “It was just another night With the sun set And the moon rise not so far behind, To give us just enough light, To lay down underneath the stars. Listen to all the translations Of the stories across the sky. We drew our own constellations”
17. Standard Lines (I Hope You’re Happy) - Dashboard Confessional- This is yet another band that seems perfect for summer although their often times depressing songs fit well in the winter as well. But with songs and albums with names like Dusk and Summer and So Long Sweet Summer it’s no wonder why they made the list. This specific song makes the cut specifically because it is in the very first episode of Clone High; the greatest show no one has ever heard of. “But your taste still lingers on my lips, Like I just placed them upon yours And i starve… I starve for you”
18. Hook - Blue’s Traveler- One of only 3 bands that will make the winter song list as well (Ben Folds, and Jack’s) Blue’s Traveler has a few hits and every one of them sticks to your head like glue (special thanks to sean paul for that line). “Suck it in suck it in suck it in If you’re Rin Tin Tin or Anne Boleyn…” (the rest of this lyrics is far too long to put in but you all know how it goes)
19. Fly - Sugar Ray- This tune is another that will stick in your head and never leave but it’s quite catchy and actually was the start of Suagr Ray becoming moderately successful…I know I’m shocked too… “Dance a little stranger show me where you’ve been. say what? Love can make you hostage, wanna do it again?”
20. The Way - Fastball- The list comes to an end with a one hit wonder that I absolutely love. I placed this one hit special on the list for all the other’s I left out such as Summer Girls by LFO, Flagpoll sita by Harvey Danger (which I do love), and all the others which I’m sure I’m forgetting. “Anyone could see the road that they walk on is paved in gold, And its always summer, they’ll never get cold.”
So there is my summer play list…I hope you all enjoyed it. Feel free to add your two cents. go out and get some sun.
that’s all for now
If a June night could talk, it would probably boast it invented romance. -Bern Williams
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06.13.07
Posted in AJ, Sports at 10:18 am by AJ
As I’ve been watching the NBA Finals this past week I’ve noticed that something’s been missing. Other than a cavs win, scoring, and general excitement, the one major difference between this series and every other series during this month and a half marathon called the playoffs is the fact that the crowd is not uniformly dressed. For Cleveland it was the all red “Beat Detroit!” shirts, Utah had those hideous baby blues, and in Golden State- All Yellow “We Believe” shirts that powered them past the best underachieving team in the league… the Mavs. In the NBA this trend was started last year by the Miami Heat. They had their crowd wear eerily creepy all white shirts at every single game. It was ghastly and terrifying and it worked. I’ve been having trouble deciding whether or not i like the idea of every member in the crowd wearing the same shirt and I’ve finally come to the conclusion that its a pretty cool fad even if thats all that it is. There’s something pretty interesting about seeing a multimillion dollar actress and a family of four, who had to take out a second mortgage just to attend the game, wearing the same outfit. I thought to myself that it was pretty impressive that a organization could pull off a stunt involving the entire crowd but then I started to think about the origin of this trend: College athletics.
Nearly every major college stadium, regardless of sport, is unicolored for games. Ohio State has a sea of red, Nebraska and Alabama have the same altho ‘Bame calls theirs a sea or crimson (so picky) , Clemson has their orange crush, Texas A&M has their maroon clad 12th Man, Duke has their always blue and white Camron Crazies and the list goes on. Each and every game these fans come completely decked out in their colleges colors to support their beloved athletes and each time it’s equally as impressive. Perhaps the most impressive was Penn State’s “White Out” a couple years back which ended up costing the Buckeyes a shot at another national title. 110,000 screaming fans wearing nothing but white. Pretty impressive. I believe that this game was the inpsiration for the NBA teams and until now it’s been quite successful. Cleveland didn’t have a promotion like this last year against Detroit and they lost in 7, this year we had “Beat Detroit” and “Rise up!” and we did. Now in the finals even those annoying Rise Up shirts have been abandoned. (Maybe fans think if they dress up with some class they’ll have a shot at Eva Longoria… ) It’s too late to create new shirts for game 4 but I fully believe if the entire crowd comes clad in Rise up shirts that we will take this series back to San Antonio. What the Hell I say everyone in the crowd wears their Beat Detroit! shirts again. If nothing else perhaps it’ll cause confusion in Duncan and Co. and we can steal a game… Hey at this point I’ll try anything.
thats all for now…
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.” -Truman Capote
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06.12.07
Posted in Life, Music, Television, Sports, JD at 9:01 am by jd
A little bit of this, a little bit of that…
Lists, Over Rated/Under Rated and whatever else I can think of to jot down.
5 Songs I couldn’t live without:
Something Corporate - Watch the Sky
Counting Crows - Anna Begins
Ben Folds Five - Evaporated
2Pac - Unconditional Love
Billy Joel - Piano Man
5 Unnerving Commercials That Need to Be Pulled
The BeepBeep.com Commercial with it’s stupid jingle
Anything for a Chevy Silverado or Toyota Tundra
The Yaz Birth Control Pill Commercial
The Coors Light Commercial where “It Turned Blue!”
The UPS White Board Commercials. I hate that guy and his whiteboard magic.
5 Shows That I “Don’t” Like
Rescue Me
The Hills
Deal or No Deal
Scrubs
Two-A-Days
BURGERS
O/R - Ruby Tuesday U/R - Red Robin
In N Out remains the gold standard in the burger world. But for those of us not privileged enough to be near one, I recommend the Banzai Burger at Red Robin. Tasty and affordable. Also, if you get a chance to try “Five Guys Famous Burgers and Fries,” do it, it’ll be well worth your money. They are as close as you can get to a fast food In N Out type burger North East of the Mississipi.
MUSIC
O/R - REM U/R - Travis
Notice I didn’t put a link to REM’s website, I just don’t care enough. For years they have gotten by on the exact same song (Man on the Moon, Losing My Religion, What’s the Frequency, Kenneth? They are all based around the exact same chords and rhythm structures) and a subpar, if not distinctive, voice. Now before all you REM fans jump down my throat, I am not saying they are bad. I do believe they are a great band, maybe even Hall of Fame worthy, but the way they have disappeared from the mainstream since, well really since “Everybody Hurts” is inexplicable; other than people got sick of hearing the same voice backed by the same song. And I’m sorry diehards (Diesel), REM is no longer mainstream, and that’s fine. True fans still adore their music, everyone else couldn’t care less. Travis, on the other hand, rebounds from a fantastically bad fourth album with a solid effort in their new work, “The Boy With No Name.” It’s technically not due for release until July 5th, but it can be had, especially on iTunes, where Diesel is quick to point out that you get a secret song, “Perfect Heaven Space.” It’s a definite keeper (as was Blue Flashing Light, a secret song on their earlier CD, “The Man Who”). They love these guys in the UK.
5 Reasons the Cavaliers Will Get Swept In the Finals
Mike Brown’s ignorance on the offensive end of the court
Mike Brown’s inability to use timeouts
The Spurs are just too good
Mike Brown’s ineptitude in making changes to his lineup
Danny Ferry is in cahoots with Gregg Poppovich (after all, he hired Mike Brown!)
I think you’ve had your fill, Go Cavs!
Be Well.
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06.11.07
Posted in AJ, Life, Sports at 12:46 pm by AJ
I’ve been flipping through the site searching for an idea for my first blog and as expected…big brother jd had something for me. this is convenient because now i can pretend to be creative while stealing an idea from someone who isn’t allowed to get mad at me for it. A while back (easter ish i think) jd wrote a list of things worth having some faith in… well i’d like to steal that and come up with a list of my own… so lets give this blogging thing a shot-
I believe that weddings are not overrated and that anyone who elope will be missing out on the greatest party in the world- a wedding reception
that being said, I believe that Livin on a Prayer by Bon Jovi and Paradise by the Dashboard light by meatloaf may just be the two greatest songs ever composed and i say composed because works of art like those aren’t simply written
-i believe that Southern Comfort and Vernor’s is the best alcoholic drink one can imbibe
-i believe reality tv is the worse thing to ever happen to television
-i believe that The Simpsons is the most intelligent show ever to be television.
-I believe that The Sopranos contains the worst acting of all time and is further proof that anything with violence can be successful in this company.
-I believe that Vincent Chase and company have the greatest lives ever…even if it is made up
-I fully believe that NPH is not gay (i don’t care if he publicly admitted it)… if you’ve ever seen Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle then you’d agree
-I believe that deep frying vegetables is morally and ethically wrong and county fairs are the work of the devil
-SPORTS
-As a baseball purist I believe that a ball off a wooden bat is the most beautiful sound a man can ever here
-I also believe that aluminum bats are the worst thing to ever happen to sports
-I believe in Kentucky Blue grass and crushed red brick
-I believe that being able to put a soccer ball in the upper 90 from outside the 18 on a dead sprint is the single most impressive ability in all of sports
-I believe Lord Stanley’s cup is the best named trophy for any championship.
-I believe that bowl games should have names like the Orange and Rose bowl and and that corporate sponsorships ruin bowl week.
-I believe that when Roger Federer is finally able beat Rafael Nadal consistently on clay he should be consider one of the greatest athletes of all time.
-I believe that any food off of a grill at a tailgate party before a football games tastes exponentially better.
-I believe that baseball games are for purists and that that is unfortunate
-I believe high school basketball coaches are treated like royalty in their communities and that many of them deserve it
-I believe that it is every human beings right to hate the Yankees but it should be required that you respect derek jeter regardless.
-I believe the cavs are one player away, if the Indians can get by the red sox they will win the world series, and the browns will be a title contender in 3 years.
side note- i also believe in optimism
RANDOM
-I believe that the movies that no one sees or even heard of are often times the best. IE- Pan’s Labyrinth, Capote, 21 Grams, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.
-I believe mel gibson is clinically insane
-I believe PETA has some of the best advertising on the planet
-I believe the Discovery Channel series Planet Earth was visually breathtaking
-I believe Morgan Freeman has the most soothing voice around and that he was perhaps the only actor alive who could get away with playing God without causing a societal backlash.
-I believe Jon Stewart is the smartest man in America
-I believe that life is what you make and you can control your own destiny.
-I believe the best advise in the world comes through two things: older siblings and personal experience.
-I believe that if one had the time they could make an entire novel out of these sorts of lists…
thats all for now
“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” -Oscar Wilde
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06.09.07
Posted in Music, Television, The Diesel at 4:29 pm by Diesel The
So on this beautiful Saturday morning I was making an egg white omelette (or, as some may call it, scrambled eggs) with some whole grain toast and 95% fat free turkey bacon, with the VH1 Top 20 Countdown on in the background. It’s typically a nice distraction and it keeps me up to date on what those crazy kids are listening to these days.
Of course, I’m not really sure why I do it, because I typically dislike 18 or 19 of the 20 songs on the list. Occasionally, though, a song shows up that peaks my interest, either musically or visually. A few months ago, I discovered that great video for The All-American Rejects‘ “Move Along” and I ended up digging the song, too, despite myself.
This happened again today (kind of), so I thought I’d do a running diary of the VH1 V-Spot Top 20 Countdown for June 9, 2007. Settle in. It’s going to be a long one.
You can watch all the videos and vote for next week at the VH1 site linked to here.
The show begins with a montage promoting the “rivalry” between a Daughtry song and Bon Jovi song for the number one spot. So those are obviously the top 2 videos. Way to spoil the ending not 30 seconds into the show, VH1.
Ameer Haleem is the show’s host and I actually think he does a pretty solid job. (He can at least speak in complete sentences, unlike the host of “On the Lot,” but that’s a whole other post…)
Green Day’s cover of John Lennon’s “Working Class Hero” starts things off as the number 20 video and, I have to say, they’ve done a good job with it. I’m a big Beatles and John Lennon fan, so I have high expectations. It’s also nice to see his music continue to be used to promote good causes, in this case Amnesty International and the movement to stop the genocide in Darfur.
As for the video, though, it’s fairly unremarkable. It’s a typical “black and white; this is important; people are dying; so watch this video” video that we’ve seen many times before. And, for that matter, when did Green Day become the new U2? I always thought that was Coldplay? I never would have guessed that back when they were singing about masturbation losing it’s fun in 1994. Now I’m just waiting for the Gin Blossoms to reform and release a save the dolphins album with R.E.M. Anyone else?
So at 19 is the song that started all this, the Plain White T’s “Hey There Delilah.” I haven’t yet spoken to a single person about this song, so I don’t yet know if I’m supposed to like it (yes, that’s a joke), but I have to admit it caught me right from the start, at least musically. Visually, I can’t really recommend the video. They went with a washed out blue and white color scheme with different blocks of images, kind of in the style of 24. It appears the idea was to shoot static footage of the singer in an apartment with the camera locked off and contrast that with the hand held footage of city exteriors. From there, the concept loses me. I guess since the song is so simple they felt they needed to complicate the video. I dunno. It just doesn’t work for me. The song, though, I dig. I even downloaded it from iTunes. Not that I condone ever paying for music…
Since I’ve actually already liked 2 songs on this countdown, we may be in for a long haul of crappy music and videos. Number 18 is Gwen Stefani’s “4 in the Morning.” While not an awful song, it’s just not my bag, baby. I do really like looking at Gwen in that little white t-shirt. Very nice.
17 is Linkin Park’s “What I’ve Done.” This is a band I’ve been mostly indifferent to for a long time. I do like that “In the End” song from a few years back, but otherwise they haven’t done anything for me. What really bothers me, though, is that this is yet another music video that throws famous historical images on the screen in order to make a statement. Dude, we all love MLK, Gandhi, and RFK. And yes, we all hate Castro, Stalin, and Hitler. They have absolutely nothing to do with your crappy song, so please leave them out of your video. That also goes for the images of the Lincoln Memorial and World Trade Center. Way to end with a mushroom cloud though, now I’m moved.
Didn’t the Goo Goo Dolls and friggin’ Nickelback do these kind of statement videos just a few months ago?
Soul Aslyum needs to release a new “Runaway Train” video. Apparently the timing is right…
Enough already.
Hey, did you know Spike now has it’s own awards show? The Guys Choice Awards. Apparently they will settle the age old question of “Who is the hottest Jessica?” Obviously, any answer other than Jessica Alba is a ridiculous breach of honor, decorum, and sanity.
Back to the Countdown. 16 is Fall Out Boys‘ “Thnks Fr Th Mmrs” (actual spelling). Say what you will about FOB’s music, but their videos always hold my attention. Decent song, too. Love the monkey and the hot chick. Glad to see a band genuinely having fun and not taking themselves as seriously as open heart surgery. I think their lead guitarist dude, Pete Wentz , looks like Val Kilmer. Anyone else? Great body spray gag, too.
Between songs Ameer shows a picture of the VH1 producer who looks like Borat. You know what? He’s right. Very nice.
15 is Fergie. Gotta fast forward this crap. Thank God for Tivo. Fergie, either get some talent or get better looking. Gotta be one or the other for me to care.
Ah, time for VH1’s Countdown Contenders. Now this list is technically voted on by viewers, but there is still a gatekeeper of sorts. On the VH1 page, you only have a certain number of songs for which to vote. So the countdown can be manipulated in that way. It appears to me that VH1 has been overly hyping a number of rather lame, rather similar musicians that I can never tell apart. Two of which are countdown contenders: Paulo Nutini and Matt Kearney. The third is the #14 video: Rocco Deluca and the Burden’s “Colorful.” Yes, it must be quite a burden being that annoying.
Thankfully, VH1 skipped over the song, so we will, too. Oh, the third countdown contender? Elliott Yamin, aka, the Jewish Jodeci. Seriously, have you heard this song “Wait for You”? Straight Jodeci, baby. K.C. and Jo-Jo, where are you? Wow, I listened to a few more snippets of that dude’s music. He’s terrible. Wow.
13 is The Bravery’s “Time Won’t Let Me Go.” Tried to like it, but I was bored by both the song and visuals. Next.
12 Avril Lavigne’s “Girlfriend.” Does anyone else see this as a “Hey Mickey You’re So Fine” rip off? I think she even uses the words “you’re so fine.” Whatever. I’m told it’s a big hit at gay dance clubs.
According to Ameer, Avril is quoted on the cover of Jane magazine as saying “I’m not a party person and I always where underwear.” Well that’s too bad.
11 a little Michael Bublé “Everything” action for you. I really have nothing against this guy and more power to you if you dig his stuff. Just not for me. A friend whose musical taste I greatly respect gave me an earlier album of his, so I tried. I really did. Kind of a dumb, cheesy video, too. I hate that they went to a cheap gag of a dude in drag, too.
To the top 10 and a smoking hot Carrie Underwood with her song “Before He Cheats.” Too bad from the song and video it appears she’s a psycho-bitch. It does bother me that this kind of violence a woman perpetrates against a man is celebrated. If a man wrote and performed a song like this he’d be demonized (and probably rightfully so). Violent acts against a woman are NEVER justified. NEVER. But, on the same token, a woman committing violent acts against a man should also not be tolerated. But whatever. It’s just a song. And she’s smokin’ hot. So all is forgiven. Love the red bra under the black tank top. Very nice.
9 Brandi Carlile’s “The Story.” First off, is she related to Belinda? Second off, her story is painfully boring. Loved some of the visuals and the location of the video. But really couldn’t get into it or the song. And her voice gets really bad when she yells. Ouch.
8 Maroon 5’s “Makes Me Wonder” It makes me wonder how the hell these guys have a career. My perfect hell space is filled with Maroon 5 songs. Lame. Awful. Boring. Derivative. Next song.
7 is Pink’s “U + Ur Hand.” It may just be me, but I feel like she’s been releasing the same song over and over again for the past five years. Next.
6 Rihanna’s “Umbrella” with the great Jay-Z. This seems to be this summer’s huge hit. Doesn’t do it for me. Sorry. I don’t think Rihanna’s that hot, either (relatively speaking, of course). Do you think Jay-Z has to ask Beyonce for permission to work with these chicks? I do.
5 Dashboard Confessional’s “Stolen” Now this is right up my alley. I think this is an excellent song paired with a great video. Love the location, the change in color temperatures, the casting of the hot dark haired chick. Not exactly sure where it’s set, but it feels to me like a old fancy 1920s beach house on the east coast. A nice pairing for a song from an album called Dusk and Summer. There’s a great hint of a story, but it’s subtle enough to let the viewer fill in the blanks. I’m a huge fan. The editing and visuals compliment the song perfectly, each building to a perfect climax, with the snow coming in and the kiss on the beach. Beautiful. I will say, the song does sound a little faster than on the album version. Maybe it’s just me.
4 Nelly Furtado “All Good Things (Come to an End)” Nelly is smokin’ hot, though I do prefer her in her “I’m Like a Bird” phase. Love her voice, too. This song seems okay, but just like most of her recent songs, I really only watch the video to look at her.
3 Kelly Clarkson “Never Again” Man, these American Idol chicks are really pissed off. Dang. Unlike most AI contestants I actually think Kelly is fairly talented and I even enjoyed that “Since You’ve Been Gone” song. This one, though, not so much. And I’m not sure how I feel about her “Sue Ellen Mischke Bra on the Outside” look. I mean, theoretically, I’m all for it. But practically speaking, I don’t think Kelly pulls it off.
Now I wonder what the top 2 videos will be? Let me take a wild guess…
2 Daughtry’s “Home” For those of you who think Nickelback rocks just a little too hard…
1 Bon Jovi “(You Want To) Make a Memory” The Jovi will always get the benefit of the doubt from me, simply due to the perfection that is “Living on a Prayer.” Unfortunately, this song seems more to try an emulate their forgotten hit song “Always” from the late 90s. Such a sad part of the Bon Jovi past. Althought, I guess it’s really not that bad of a song and the video is actually pretty okay.
On a side note, is the rest of the band in this video, or just Jon? Oh, wait, there they are. In a booth in the back of the bar. I guess when your lead singer’s last name is also the name of your band, you take what you can get.
The video’s a bit cheesy, but Jon gave us a hot chick to look at. And what a great house? Jon must of left her a lot of money when he died. Oops, did I spoil the ending? Sorry.
Well, that’s the Top 20 Video Countdown from my perspective. Mostly lame, but actually a better weekend of songs than most.
Hope you enjoyed it. Catch you all on the flip-flop.
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