05.24.07

All Over the Place

Posted in Saved by the Bell, Life, Television, Sports, JD at 4:19 pm by jd

A little bit of this, a little bit of that…

Saved By the Bell update – How do you know you’re getting old? When you start way overanalyzing Saved by the Bell to the point where it makes you take a week away from the show; not that I know from experience (dude). Today, the Super Station showed the episode where one of Bayside’s most favorite, revered alumni passes away, he was the guy who created the elastic strip on underwear. This man left Bayside a stack of high society (that’s 10 g’s for those of you not “in the know”) and Mr. Belding has decided he’ll let the student body vote on how the money should be used.

TIMEOUT.

This would never happen. No principal would allow the students to decide where a donation could best be spent when it comes to his school. That’s issue number 1 of an undetermined amount of issues. Number 2 is that when everyone speaks to promote their idea to the school as to how the money should be spent, Zack and Slater offer the following idea. Let me just remind you that this is 10,000 dollars. Their idea is to put Astroturf on the football field AND build a dome over the baseball field. These are the same people who supposedly can look at a car and estimate the amount it would take to fix it’s damage.

TIMEOUT.

They are not that stupid. We couldn’t think of a better segue to the plot than Slater and Zack making this comment? Couldn’t this have been Ox and his cronies? Or would that have made too much sense? Ox is the moron jock of the show, the writers should have let him do his job. Furthermore, after Mr. Belding points out the absurdity of the dome and turf idea, Zack says, “Ok, Ray Bans for all the outfielders!” and everyone cheers. In the Early 90’s, this comment clearly should have been “Oakleys” and not Ray Bans. They were much cooler and still up and coming amongst the teen demographic. Skip forward and this whole scenario leads to Tori of all people (God I hate Tori) suggesting that the money be used on girls sports. What?!?!

TIMEOUT.

That’s even more ludicrous than building a Minor League worthy stadium for such a meager donation. Slater correctly points out that girls sports count, “just not as much.” And you know what? He’s right! He accurately sums up why guys sports get so much more press and money than girls do, they bring in the revenue. Finally something intelligent is spoken! However, the girls take issue with this truth and so Belding decides to have a “boys vs. girls” competition for the money. Zack thinks of a scam, it gets uncovered when Screech opens his mouth (go figure) and it blows up in their face. The girls win the money, give some to the mini golf team and everyone’s happy.

Plus Ginger (Veronica Vaughan of Billy Madison fame) is in this episode, you have to love that. So I had 3 issues with the episode, not counting the obvious fact that it was a Tori episode and should therefore be banned from television faster than the Michael Jackson Concert Special for Rainbow Babies and Children’s Hospital titled, “Live at Neverland Ranch: And no, Johnny Depp won’t be there, no adults are allowed!”

Onto more pressing and important matters…

In the vein of Jayson Stark’s new book about overrated and underrated baseball players at each position, I’d like to list some overrated and corresponding underrated things.

Medical Show:
Overrated (OR) – Grey’s Anatomy (Duh) Under (UR) – House Correctly (CR) - ER
Note: We all know my Grey’s feelings, everyone that has seen House more than once loves it, but not many people watch it still. That’ll change. Don’t “kill off” Omar Epps. ER’s been banging it out forever. Not as much bang anymore, still worth watching for the long time hangers on.

Breakfast Food:
OR – Eggs of any kind UR – Yogurt Parfait w/ Fruit CR – Cereal
Eggs and heart attack are synonymous. Cereal is a great fall back, but yogurt with some Granola and fruit fills you up and is healthy. Plus you’ll be regular all day. Can you ask for more?

Body Washing Technique
OR – The Vegan Self Cleansing Method UR – The Brush CR – Bar Soap
You’re not an oven, my vegan friend. Please go take a shower and this time bring some artificial suds. Use a brush and some body wash for full effect. It’s like having someone scratch your back and getting a sponge bath all at the same time, and you don’t have to sit in your own filth like you would with an actual bath. Use the brush in the shower! And bar soap is like cereal and ER, it’s old reliable. Use this hunk of fat when you feel like being frugal. It’ll get you clean and sometimes smells nice.

Game Time Beverage
OR – Beer UR – Mixed Drinks CR – Soda Pop
Yes, beer is overrated while watching a game, especially when outside like at a baseball game. People at baseball games usually drink about 3 beers if they are drinking for a reason other than “I like the taste of beer.” So if you’re drinking to get a buzz before driving home, why not have 2 mixed drinks which will give you roughly the same alcohol content if you get them at the right place (and don’t order something weaker than Elizabeth Berkeley’s acting), won’t dehydrate you as much and will have a much higher novelty factor? You can drink beer whenever, go for the hard stuff and save the beer for the college kids. Soda pop is great for the designated driver (and, “Duff wholeheartedly supports the Designated Driver program. Now who is ready to party!).

One more beef before I go. There are two types of people in Ohio who buy cars made by Ford. The people who bleed red, white and blue and only buy domestic then make everyone feel bad about their choice of car if it’s not Ford or GM; and the people who buy them because they are affordable (read: cheap), most of whom work for Ford and feel they have no other choice.

The latter are the people who put the “I work for Ford, I drive a Ford” license plate holder on their Escape to make us feel like they’re loyal. Well I had a client come in the other day to insure his brand new Ford Focus. Yes, he works for Ford. His words to me, VERBATIM, were the following: “Jay, I can’t wait until I retire so that I can be a Honda or Toyota. Just something that’s reliable that I know I’ll be able to drive for 5-10 years without a problem.” What a sparkling endorsement from the guy building Ford E Series vans. Is it a wonder that I want nothing to do with that dirty four letter F word?

This isn’t the worst. The worst is the first group of consumers. You know them, trust me. They are the “holier than thou,” judgmental, snooty, look-all-the-way-down-their-nose-into-the-pig-pen-where-everyone-else-is-doomed a-holes that make this country what it is and shouldn’t be; arrogant. Yes, I drive a Honda. Yes, my car was manufactured in Ohio. Several Ford vehicles are manufactured in Mexico with European parts. Chrysler is backed by a German company. Yet, my car, which was made right here in the United States, in the state in which I reside, is the problem.

“Well the profits go back to Japan” you say. True, but I don’t think the Ohioan that snapped my bumpers on is giving anything back to the company that isn’t laced with saline and running on a second hand (sweat and time). Furthermore, my car’s company didn’t outsource all of its engineering to another company and still has manufacturing factories for all its car models in its own country. So in reality, my car’s company is domestically friendly as well as friendly in foreign affairs.

So go ahead Ford and GM owners, keep saying that your car that came from a German guy’s idea and was put together by a Mexican makes you a better American while you just voted down a tax levy that would’ve given more tax money to the crippled school districts because you saw a commercial on your Mitsubishi big screen that reminded you that you’re F-650 needs gas and you can’t afford another tax expense.

After all, the Persian rugs come in any day.

Just leave me alone when I pull into your driveway, unassumingly, in my “foreign” car. Everyone’s entitled to their own patriotism.

Oh and by the way, our country wouldn’t be half of what it is now, not even a fraction, in fact, without trade, imports and exports. So kiss my red, white and blue behind.

Be well.

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