03.01.07
R.I.P. FHM (2000-2007)
March 2007 brings the end of one of our most treasured institutions. The great men behind FHM magazine, in their infinite wisdom, have decided to shut down the U.S. publication. Now, it will only be available in the online form, fhmonline.com. In what is truly a sad day for all those who enjoy masterbating and learning about gadgets, let’s take a moment to reflect on what this means.
The most important function of FHM, the magazine for him, as a print publication was as reading material for the airplane. After being anally probed by the TSA at security, it was refreshing to walk into the Hudson News or whatever newsstand was located in the airport terminal and peruse the magazines. FHM would compete with Maxim and Stuff for our dollar by putting hot women in skimpy clothing on the cover, tantalizing us with the thought that more photos of that starlet would be inside. Whichever magazine had the hottest chick earned our dollar. It was that spirit of competition on which American capitalism was founded. Now the competition is between Maxim and Stuff only, and it won’t be long until the moral minority will try to rip those away too. And even if they don’t, what if Maxim is doing a Melissa and Joan Rivers spread and Stuff does “The Girls of Detroit and Flint“? What are we to do? Am I going to be that guy who purchases Playboy or Penthouse at the airport? What happens when I’m sitting next to Sister Margaret in 10E and I’m looking at a pitcure of some woman trying to shove a hamster up her snatch? It’s awkward enough that I’m looking at Jenny McCarthy with her hands covering her nipples; how am I going to explain looking at sodomy to Miss Chastity over here? And I’m certainly not reading Sky Mall.
I also enjoyed looking at FHM in the grocery or drug store. Whether you are in the magazine aisle killing time while the pharmacy fills your prescription or in the checkout line standing behind the woman with forty coupons, the magazine was a breath of fresh air. Even if all you were able to do was look at the cover, FHM was there to say, “Hey, this hot piece of ass if for you.” I guess I’ll just turn around and look at the gum and candy I’m never going to purchase.
Yes, FHM will surely be missed. So let’s take a look back at some of the wonderful things brought to us by FHM:
- The first issue’s cover featured Rachael Leigh Cook. Budding young actress. She was all that. And then all her movies went straight to video, but not the good “we’re gonna see some boobies” kind, it was the “we made this and it’s a piece of shit, so let’s try to recoup something on video” kind. It’s sad. The last issue’s cover features Leeann Tweeden, who is famous for. . . FHM covers, I guess. She was probably the most devasted by the magazine’s passing. There’s always Skinemax, Leeann. If she wasn’t the most devastated then it surely had to be. .
- Vida Guerra. She has no discernable abilities. I don’t even think she talks. But FHM introduced us to a girl who has one thing to offer society. That ass. Seriously if she were up against J-Lo in an ass-off, Vida would kick her ass, that’s what she’d do. Her rise to acclaim promoted a healthy body image for young girls. It told them, it’s OK to have a big ass, as long as you have big jugs and a fairly skinny waist. It was one small step for women with nothing to offer society but ass, one giant leap for mankind.
- Hometown Honeys. Thank you FHM for taking a popular college phrase/excuse and turning it into a feature. For those of you unfamiliar with the phrase primarily used by college Freshmen, “I have a hometown honey. Her/his name is so-and-so,” it means “We’d be hooking up right now, if (a) you were better looking or (b) I were better looking.” Hometown Honeys became the greatest part of FHM. You would look at the state where the girl was from, hoping it was a state you lived in. If it was, you would always ask, “Do I know this girl?” even if she was from California and there are tens of millions of people in California. You always tried to rack your brain trying to think if you went to high school with this girl in the photo feeling her boobs on a park bench. And then there was the voting option: which Hometown Honey was hotter. Or more often, which state did you like more. I will miss you Hometown Honeys.
- Work for untalented writers. The most amazing thing about FHM is that it was a magazine that lasted more than 10 pages of photos. There’s like a hundred pages! Of garbage no one cares about! The only reason people buy the magazine is to look at the photos. Maybe to read Amanda Beard’s opinions on oral sex and the economy but only because those words are surrounded by her in a thong on the beach. Now that the magazine has folded, where will these writers turn? Their skills don’t translate to legitimate journalism. I don’t think the Wall Street Journal will be publishing sex tips any time soon. Where will they go?
Perhaps, this blog. Perhaps.