02.27.07
Oscar just walked in… Seriously
Far be it from me to blaspheme against the biggest day in the life of a movie star. So I won’t. I was prepared to do so, however when I brought up my blog page here at work to completely diss the ceremony and the all too often cuts to a bald Jack, the strangest thing happened. A client walked in the door. As if this intrusion to my non-work related work weren’t enough, the client’s name was Oscar. Is this a sign from Heaven or a cleverly thought out ploy by the apparently omnipotent head of SAG? Or could it be that I’m making the whole thing up? Yes it could.
But in this case, as it turns out, I am not making things up. Oscar ambled into the office out of complete coincidence and I have been so constantly confounded since that I’ve been attempting to use alliteration in my writing, poorly. And out of context at that. Look, all I’m saying is that I was about to bash the slow moving, Cirque du Soleil filled, Ellen hosted, horribly fashioned and ridiculously overthought event that was the Academy Awards this year. Then randomly some dude named Oscar walks in.
So here are my random thoughts on the 79th Annual Academy Awards…
- Scorsese finally got his due, great.
- This year’s Best Actor is a guy who’s eye is lazier than Lebron James playing for Team USA. at least he’s a black guy.
- This year’s Best Actress is from Essex and was the grand daughter of a butcher for Queen Victoria. She won the award for playing Queen Elizabeth. Conflict of interest here? You bet. I see a Family Feud in the works, can someone call Al from Tool Time? Can we get him to moderate? I’d watch two British royal families going at it. We surveyed 100 people in Southern California and the top five answers are on the board. What were you doing while the Oscars were on? (Frantic buzzing in by the queen) Al - Victoria what’s your answer? Q.V. - Watching that traitor Helen Mirren portray that skank Elizabeth. Al - Survey Says… Ooh, not on the board. Elizabeth, I need an answer. Q.E. - I wouldn’t watch anything American and cinematic. It’s simply dreadful. I was powdering the wig. Al - Survey Says… POWDERING THE WIG the number one answer! Control of the board goes to you Queen Elizabeth, you can play or pass. Q.E. - We’ll let those buffoons try and watch as they embarass themselves worse than Tony Blair on George Bush’s ranch in Texas.
- Beyonce is losing weight. Where my curvy women be at? Jennifer Hudson apparently found it.
- If they showed Leonardo di Caprio one more time, I would have gouged my eyes out with a Lemon rheem.
- Whoever decided having Abigail Breslin and Jaden (600 names in between his first and last name) Smith presnt an award was a good idea needs to permanently be banished to the Kids Choice Awards. Also, do you think Abi’s Mom was watching in horror as her daughter hung out with the little colored boy? First she’s a stripper, now this.
- Al Gore was littered throughout the show. And he has an Oscar now.
- Wait, lets go back to Little Miss Sunshine. We had a grandfather who’s addicted to heroine teaching his 8 year old grand daughter to strip win the best actor in a supporting role award. And parents get mad when their kids watch the Simpsons.
- Pan’s Labyrinth won three awards and you’ve never even heard of it.
- The best moment of the night, seriously, was Melissa Etheridge thanking her wife and kids. Absolutely the best moment, hands down. Well, other than the end.
That Oscar dude is crazy.