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02.28.07
Posted in Celebrities, Television, Capt Awesome at 10:26 pm by captawesome
So, there I was…
First of all, let me say I’m happy to be “in the Hizzy” (as the kids say now-a-days). I hope to take this thing off the Hizzle, shizzle… dizzle.
Speaking of the Dizzle…I’d let to share some thoughts on recent tele-vizzle events. This is more random than the Diesel saying something funny, so stick with me.
- BREAKING NEWS – Ana Nicole Smith has Rigamortis!!! For the life of me, I can’t figure out why people give a shit about her??? More people care about her life now compared to when she was alive. Granted, I think she’s the smartest dumb blonde on the planet (see marrying a 90 year old millionare and dealing with his hairy coin purse for a couple months for a shitload of money – take notes Jessica Simpson), but, she died. Why is it BREAKING NEWS every time something happens in the case? “Howard K Stern said Ana Nicole was good in bed!” People, get a life.
- Speaking of getting a life – anyone catch the Oprah Winfrey’s special where she’s building a school for girls in Africa? Yeah, me neither.
- Did you guys see that fat guy running around on Channel 19 during that huge snowstorm a couple weeks ago? That was amazing. That makes me proud to, not only be a man, but a man of size. I actually saw it on Headlines news in the airport waiting for a plane to Cleveland. Proud blood ran through my chiseled body as I laughed at all the people who said “that’s terrible, disgusting.” That guy is a hero to fat kids, worldwide. Move over Numa Numa fat kid.
- Why does the History Channel only show “Modern Marvels” shows on week nights? I mean seriously…Modern Marvels – ICE, Modern Marvels – SNOW, Modern Marvels - Butchers??? Here’s my show idea: Modern Marvels – Why my fat ass changed the channel to Discovery.
- I love the show 24. One of only 4 shows I watch religiously (Nip/Tuck, the Office and Talk Sex with Sue Johannson are the others) but come on! Here’s some thoughts on this season, so far.
- In the history of the world, have the prevailing winds ever blown from East to West (for a sustained period of time)? I’m pretty sure the winds go West to East – but in 24-land – the radioactive cloud was blown out “away from populated areas” and there would be no radioactive fall out. I’m skeptical.
- I can’t believe Kumar was dead in the first 5 hours…bummer. He’s Indian (like Ghandi Indian, not Chief Bentrod Indian) by the way. I was hoping for some White Castle plugs. Or at least Doogie Howser.
- I want to live on “24” time. Everything is accelerated. Case in point. Let’s take Assad’s trip to Washington DC from LA. (for this experiment, we’ll assume the time given is Pacific Time Zone). He leaves CTU, bound for DC at 10:49am, which means his flight left, we’ll say, 11:30am (we all know Traffic on 24 is not an issue, especially with people freaking out about a suitcase bomb). He is next seen at 1:16pm at the White House Bunker. Now, I’m not Cell Biologist but that’s 2 +3, carry the 5 = 1 hour and 45 minutes. Man, he’s flying faster than John Denver…wait, too early still?
- Milo is such a pussy.
- I hope Chloe joins Edgar this year…I can’t stand her scowl and her constant bitching that Morris isn’t giving her a hot carl because he started drinking again. UGH!
- Is it me, or does the scar on Jack’s right hand change shape, size, color and location with every episode?
- Rob Lowe’s little brother needs to go make a sex tape…then I will like him more.
- Anyone here watch “Supernanny”? Yeah, me neither. Alright, I’ve watched it a couple times (like 12). What I find the most funny is the parents that sit there and say “I don’t know how my kids got this way!” Way to not look like an ass on National Television. Here’s a clue: 1. Don’t substitute Presents for Presence, 2. Putting kids in “Time out” is lame – beat them when they do something wrong and 3. It’s called Condoms…I have a box that I haven’t used in a while, you can have them.
- I love the Show “The Dog Whisperer.” I find myself practicing on my friend’s dogs. Then I lose patience because they aren’t listening and start calling them obscene names…which is fun too.
So, there I went. More to come in the following weeks. I leave you with my favorite useless Jack Bauer Fact:
“Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the hidden keys.”
Holla at cha boy (do the kids still say that?)!
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Posted in Saved by the Bell, Television, JD at 11:19 am by jd
The best moment of my recent life came about 4 weeks ago at 7:15 on a Monday morning. The alarm went off and Sports Center was running NASCAR highlights from over the weekend, so naturally I turned the channel in disgust. Angered by ESPN’s willingness to show NASCAR highlights just 15 minutes into an SC program and still half asleep, I stumbled upon TBS, the Super Station. Never has a moniker been so fitting, for what did I find? That’s right, I found Saved by the Bell. Upon further investigation, I not only found SBTB, I found that it runs in marathon fashion EVERY MORNING from 7:00 to 9:00. Two hours of tasty high school goodness, replete with lame jokes, legions of nerds (not to mention the distinction between geeks and dweebs) and the rare iconic pop culture reference. This is fantastic. My mornings have not been the same since. Fridays are a special treat, when we get our weekly installments of “The College Years.” Seriously, if you’re not watching this, you are missing out on a trans-generational phenomenon.
That being said, I have some comments about certain episodes and recurring themes that rear their head during the run of the series. I’ll be using this space (shooting for twice a week) to post on these themes, general plot and some of the memorable lines from the show. Enjoy!
Today’s episodes were a carryover from yesterday when the 8 and 8:30 episodes were the first half of the movie “Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style.” Even James Lipton agrees that this movie was truly “a delight.” Basically the story goes like this: The gang (and yes, I’ll often refer to them as “the gang” herein) goes on Summer vacation in Hawaii to visit Kelly’s grandpa, the owner of the Hawaiian Hideaway. It should be noted here that the group is between their “Junior” and “Senior” year of high school, though the years were never specifically stated until the graduation episodes and I swear there were like 24 Prom episodes, but anyway… This trip is supposed to be, according to Lipton, “Sans Mr. Belding. But when they get there, who else do they see, but Mr. Belding!” Dustin Diamond responds, “That was the twist!” A quick recap of the rest: Zack instantly falls in love with Andrea (single Mom with 4 year old daughter) and the gang finds out the Hideaway is going bankrupt and will probably have to sell to the Royal Pacific owned by Mr. Worthington. 2 notes, Mr. Belding’s tour group is staying at the RP and Mr. Worthington’s son Derrick is Andrea’s boyfriend. Side plot develops where Screech is the savior of a Pacific Islander tribe called the Pukuku (Poo Koo Koo) and they do a crazy Screech Chant. Since RP is trying to get rid of the Hideaway, the gang comes up with a plan to get Belding to switch his tour group to their hotel and of course, hijinx ensue. Blah blah blah, fast forward, fast forward, Kelly falls for her grandpa’s young handsome attorney Brian who also happens to be RP’s attorney. Hmm.. The gang sabotages the deal, black mails Mr. Worthington into leaving the hideaway alone, Screech gets the tribe jobs working at the Hideaway and everyone is happy. Ok, now lets touch back on two issues. First Zack falls in love with Andrea (who at the end admits she loves him too). We find out her daughter is 4 and that she was in labor during her high school graduation ceremony. Which means she was at least 17. 17 + 4 is 21. Call her 21 to be conservative. Zack says, “I’ll be 18 soon.” Hmm, statutory? But wait, that’s not all. Kelly is younger than Zack. Kelly dates Brian the attorney who has gone through at least 7 years of college, conservatively which makes him 25. BIG TIME statutory. Plus it’s an older guy which tends to make things even worse. Why wasn’t this guy or girl arrested? Because minors dating older people is a running them of the show. Just ask Kelly, who also dated Jeff when he was a 20 year old Sophomore at UCLA and managing the Max, and Kelly was a 16 year old high school Sophomore. Disturbing. Anyway, everything ends up great in SBTB: Hawaiian Style and Zack promises to come back after graduating from College to find Andrea. Kelly breaks it off with Brian when she finds out he’s scum working for the RP.
Ok, take a deep breath.
Ready to move on? Or do you still need more time?
Ok here we go… I was very excited at the 8:00 episode today when I realized it was going to be a “Good Morning, Miss Bliss” episode (now titled also as SBTB). The first episode was the one that Zack likes a girl but gets caught lying to her and she dumps him and goes to Miss Bliss’s house during her date to talk about it. Miss Bliss, great person she is, takes Zack in, talks and gives him Apple Pie! Metaphor? Maybe not, but coincidence? I think so. Especially after her date leaves and the two of them are alone. Older people… There’s that theme again. Not that I’m saying Miss Bliss and Zack had a relationship, all I’m saying is she was fired from Bayside before the kids got to high school. There’s got to be a reason. The second episode was the one where Zack and Screech reach an agreement. Zack gets Screech a date with Lisa and Screech writes a paper for Zack. Nothing works out and Zack gets caught of course. He doesn’t learn his lesson about anything though as he has Screech continually do his work down the road and “fill him in on what to say in the presentation” AND again bribes Lisa to go on a date, this time with Jessie’s step brother from New York, Eric. But that is another story.
Today’s Line of the Day (Sung): “Welcome to the Hawaiian Hideaway. Your cares will slide away, beneath the sunshine in the morning and the moon at night.”
Ok, this got out of hand length wise. More updates tomorrow. Ish.
Feel free to drop your favorite SBTB quote, episode or reaction here!
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02.27.07
Posted in Television, Big D at 5:32 pm by Big D
Spoiler Alert!!
I’m a big fan of the FOX series 24. However, now that I’ve seen a few seasons one point rings clear: they spend all the money on A: Jack Bauer and B: Writers!
Even funnier is how predictable the show really is. Just to prove it, I’ll quote something a friend wrote to me in an email discussing whether or not he’ll bother to watch the current season.
Patriot/Vigilante Jack Bauer will thwart multiple terrorists threats of the chemical, biological and nuclear variety (likely a combination thereof), despite corruption at the highest levels of government and moles within his own unit. His superiors will exhibit distaste for his wanton disregard for protocol, even to the point of attempting to relieve him of his duties, but Bauer will not be sidelined.
In the meantime, we will catch a glimpse of Bauer’s personal angst–his estrangement from his daughter and inability to have a lasting love affair–which comes as a result of tireless dedication, almost obsession, to his duty.
In the end, Bauer will prevail against all odds, and save millions of American lives from certain destruction. The day will end bitter sweetly, however, as the 24th episode will see Bauer presented with his next challenge.
We will then be subjected to multiple previews and advertisements of that challenge for the next 7 months, read by Joe Buck at least 50 times during every sports telecast seen on FOX.
When you’re right, you’re right, eh? While this may certainly be true, I’ve got two episodes of the Jack Bauer Power Hour (a.k.a. “The JBPH”) sitting on my DVR just waiting for me to get home!
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Posted in Television, Movies, JD at 10:46 am by jd
Far be it from me to blaspheme against the biggest day in the life of a movie star. So I won’t. I was prepared to do so, however when I brought up my blog page here at work to completely diss the ceremony and the all too often cuts to a bald Jack, the strangest thing happened. A client walked in the door. As if this intrusion to my non-work related work weren’t enough, the client’s name was Oscar. Is this a sign from Heaven or a cleverly thought out ploy by the apparently omnipotent head of SAG? Or could it be that I’m making the whole thing up? Yes it could.
But in this case, as it turns out, I am not making things up. Oscar ambled into the office out of complete coincidence and I have been so constantly confounded since that I’ve been attempting to use alliteration in my writing, poorly. And out of context at that. Look, all I’m saying is that I was about to bash the slow moving, Cirque du Soleil filled, Ellen hosted, horribly fashioned and ridiculously overthought event that was the Academy Awards this year. Then randomly some dude named Oscar walks in.
So here are my random thoughts on the 79th Annual Academy Awards…
- Scorsese finally got his due, great.
- This year’s Best Actor is a guy who’s eye is lazier than Lebron James playing for Team USA. at least he’s a black guy.
- This year’s Best Actress is from Essex and was the grand daughter of a butcher for Queen Victoria. She won the award for playing Queen Elizabeth. Conflict of interest here? You bet. I see a Family Feud in the works, can someone call Al from Tool Time? Can we get him to moderate? I’d watch two British royal families going at it. We surveyed 100 people in Southern California and the top five answers are on the board. What were you doing while the Oscars were on? (Frantic buzzing in by the queen) Al - Victoria what’s your answer? Q.V. - Watching that traitor Helen Mirren portray that skank Elizabeth. Al - Survey Says… Ooh, not on the board. Elizabeth, I need an answer. Q.E. - I wouldn’t watch anything American and cinematic. It’s simply dreadful. I was powdering the wig. Al - Survey Says… POWDERING THE WIG the number one answer! Control of the board goes to you Queen Elizabeth, you can play or pass. Q.E. - We’ll let those buffoons try and watch as they embarass themselves worse than Tony Blair on George Bush’s ranch in Texas.
- Beyonce is losing weight. Where my curvy women be at? Jennifer Hudson apparently found it.
- If they showed Leonardo di Caprio one more time, I would have gouged my eyes out with a Lemon rheem.
- Whoever decided having Abigail Breslin and Jaden (600 names in between his first and last name) Smith presnt an award was a good idea needs to permanently be banished to the Kids Choice Awards. Also, do you think Abi’s Mom was watching in horror as her daughter hung out with the little colored boy? First she’s a stripper, now this.
- Al Gore was littered throughout the show. And he has an Oscar now.
- Wait, lets go back to Little Miss Sunshine. We had a grandfather who’s addicted to heroine teaching his 8 year old grand daughter to strip win the best actor in a supporting role award. And parents get mad when their kids watch the Simpsons.
- Pan’s Labyrinth won three awards and you’ve never even heard of it.
- The best moment of the night, seriously, was Melissa Etheridge thanking her wife and kids. Absolutely the best moment, hands down. Well, other than the end.
That Oscar dude is crazy.
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Posted in Television, Movies, Jibber at 12:14 am by jibber
My bologna has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R.The Oscars- An awards show named after a company that produces a sandwich meat that is hodgepodge of animal organs, trimmings and end pieces. Nice. Seriously, Who watches these award shows? You’ve seen the movies (or can go out and rent them) and you can decide for yourself who the best boy grip was (Diesel, The in The Man with One Hand) and movie score ( Jack Nicholson/ Kathy Bates in About Schmitt…sike). Who are these committees of people we’ve never seen or heard of to tell us who is who in Hollywood? In the words of the great James Vulmer “I mean, Come on!” Let’s face it, 90% of the show is crap. Here are the categories that anyone cares about (and even then who can tell us who is better than someone else in a different role)- Best Actor/tress, Best Movie and that’s it.
Oh, and by the way, Lifetime Achievement awards are for people who they feel sorry for that have done a TON of work and haven’t really received the recognition for it because it’s crap. They should just change it to the Brendan Fraser Award.
Did I watch the Oscars? Umm….No. I was too busy liberating the planets of Mustafar, Mygetto, Utapau, Kashyyyk, Kamino, Naboo and Hoth from Battle Droid and Rebel Armies, not to mention defeating escaped rogue Jedi along the way, all in an effort to construct a unified Galactic Empire under the directionof Lord Vader. In the 3 hours it took to dole out those awards that no one will remember next year, I obtained 7 Planets, 1500 kills and a General status- Where’s my Award? Oscars Committee, Film Actors Guild (F.A.G. taken from Team America) and any other award bearing associations, take note of how constructive I was during the time you were destroying the careers of those who didn’t win and the minds of those who will forget. Why? Cause Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A.
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02.26.07
Posted in Television, Movies, Big D at 7:10 pm by Big D
I saw a link on Drudge this morning that talked about the Academy Awards’ 42 share (media speak for “a shload“) in the ratings for last night’s broadcast. Does this mean that I’m the only person on earth who really does not give a shit? Is it possible that no one else sees this for what it is: a giant marketing campaign?
Is it really a coincidence that the awards show coincides with the slowest months of the year for the box office? I seriously doubt it. If you ask me, the idea of these guys patting each other on the back for a job well done is a giant steamy load - and one of the better acting jobs you’ll see! Face it: these actors all know what a payday it is for them to be nominated, much less win an Oscar. Yet, their faux-emotion lined speaches would lead you to believe that they’re honestly touched by the recognition…
Flavor Flav was right: Don’t believe the hype
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02.13.07
Posted in Big D at 9:42 pm by Big D
Happy Birthday, Dickhole.
A warmer annum greeting between friends is a rare find these days. And, short of Perez Hilton, it’s hard to find straight talk on the world of entertainment. Here you’ll find something decidedly less femme, generally less witty, but certainly less interested in the lives of the rich and famous.
What about sports? About the only guy in the game with a unique opinion is Scott Ferrall. We typically won’t have anything unique to say about sports, but we’ve got a good chance at making some quality off-color remarks.
So there you have it: HBDDH - Another worthless blog about a worthless topic, but hey: at least it’ll get a laugh or two.
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