So Entertainment Weekly decided to celebrate its 1000th issue with, shock of shocks, a series of lists commemorating the “new classics” in entertainment from the past 25 years. Also, shock of shocks, they got things almost completely wrong. Especially when it comes to movies, music, and television (the other lists I can let slide).
The most egregious oversight (I hope it was just an oversight) was that, not only did they fail to put The Shawshank Redemption at #1 on the movie list (“which can be understood, if not condoned”), but they omitted the movie from the list entirely! As an avid consumer of pop culture over the past 25 years (essentially, my lifetime), I can say for certain that The Shawshank Redemption defines what it means to be a “new classic.”
Is it universally recognized as a superior creative work? Absolutely. Is it beloved by the populous at large? No doubt. Can it be watched again and again, whether on HBO, TNT, or DVD? Hell yeah. Has it found its way into the culture, both popular and otherwise, in a meaningful way? If articles written by ESPN’s The Sports Guy can be used as evidence, absolutely. And this is without mentioning the intangibles.
The movie, despite a Best Picture nomination, was largely ignored by the public at large when first released to theaters. Upon its release on video, however, and with little fanfare, it built up a loyal cult following and word of mouth kept it alive. I would argue that it is now one of the most universally beloved films, not just of the past 25 years, but of all time. Its omission is so much of an oversight that it prompted me to get off my ass and write another blog post. That’s how much this matters to me. “This aggression will not stand, man.” The tyranny and bullshit must end.
1. Pulp Fiction (1994)
Excellent movie. Should be on the list. #1? Maybe not. But still influential, quotable, and entertaining as all hell. 2. The Lord of the Rings trilogy (2001-03)
Very good trilogy. The warts start to show on multiple viewings, though (or if you sat through King Kong). Still, I agree it’s a new classic. 3. Titanic (1997)
Eh. Hugely popular doesn’t necessarily make something a classic (see: Backstreet Boys), but in this case it kind of does. I have to admit, I haven’t seen the movie since first seeing it in the theaters back in ‘97. And I liked it. So why is it I’ve never had any desire to see it again? Shouldn’t that be a “classic” prerequisite? Rewatchability? 4. Blue Velvet (1986)
I’ve never seen it. I’m guessing this is true for most people out there. Again, shouldn’t a certain universality be a prerequisite for a new classic? 5. Toy Story (1995)
Great movie. I probably liked the sequel better. Then again, Pixar has yet to make a bad movie. Which is insane. So they definitely deserve a spot on the list and since this is the one that started it all, I’m okay with it as the choice. 6. Saving Private Ryan (1998)
Should be in contention for #1. Yeah, some cynics out there bemoan the bookends with the old man, but I have no problem with it. Outstanding movie. 7. Hannah and Her Sisters (1986)
Um, I like Woody Allen as much as the next guy, but #7? And I’d argue that Bullets over Broadway is his best since the 70s. Although I also liked Match Point quite a bit (just me?). 8. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Holds up very well (except for maybe Jodie Foster’s hair style). No arguments here. 9. Die Hard (1988)
I’m pleasantly surprised by how high on the list this is. Hugely influential and just a down right entertaining film. Take any heterosexual male to Los Angeles and one of the highlights is seeing the actual “Nakatomi Building” in Century City (actually Fox Plaza). No matter what, when this is on TV, I stop and watch. 10. Moulin Rouge (2001)
Hmmm… I think this is one of those movies that is going to divide people. One fellow film industry member of mine said this is the movie that got him to quit being a lawyer and move to LA to go to film school. I, on the other hand, just thought it was okay. 11. This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
Defines a classic. Still quotable and rewatchable all these years later. “Hello, Cleveland!” Indeed. 12. The Matrix (1999)
Good pick, great movie, horrible sequels. Kind of the next step in the action movie evolution Die Hard started. 13. GoodFellas (1990)
Classic. Nuff said. 14. Crumb (1995)
Um, raise your hand if you’ve seen this movie. I thought so. It could be the greatest movie ever, but if nobody ever saw it, it can’t be a classic. Sorry. It does get bonus points for being from the director of Bad Santa. Speaking of which, why didn’t that make the list!? 15. Edward Scissorhands (1990)
Very good, from what I remember. Probably the best representation of Tim Burton’s oeuvre. Personally, I’m partial to Ed Wood (or even Big Fish - yeah it’s sentimental, but in a good way), but this works too. #15 is probably too high. 16. Boogie Nights (1997)
Big cult hit. I preferred Magnolia from the PT Anderson oeuvre, but I’m fine with its inclusion. I guess PT doesn’t really do it for me. Punch Drunk Love was pretty good too. None I’d call a classic. So I guess for the sake of the people who do “get it” I’m cool with Boogie Nights. 17. Jerry Maguire (1996)
Way too high. Almost Famous is a much better Cameron Crowe film that holds up much better on repeated viewings. I guess this can make the list, though, because it really did enter the pop culture consciousness. But, eh… 18. Do the Right Thing (1989)
Even though I haven’t seen this movie, I’m okay with its inclusion because, how haven’t I seen this movie!? I’m told it’s outstanding. 19. Casino Royale (2006)
Very good Bond movie. Best in awhile. Some really cool scenes. But probably shouldn’t be on this list at all. The ending was pretty lousy too. “3rd Act problems” as they say in the business… 20. The Lion King (1994)
Again, classic. The Disney animation renaissance of the early 90s needed to be represented and this is probably the best choice. I’m more of an Aladdin fan, myself, but I’ll defer to the masses. 21. Schindler’s List (1993)
Can’t argue with this. Should also be a #1 contender. 22. Rushmore (1998)
Not a fan. Not much of a Wes Anderson fan at all, I guess. I did enjoy The Royal Tennenbaum’s, but this movie did nothing for me. I was pretty much bored the whole time. I do still enjoy the stupid joke “They’re O.R. scrubs. O R they?” This shouldn’t be on the list at all. Sorry, Wes. 23. Memento (2001)
This was one of the places EW surprised me in a good way. I was all set to be upset that this didn’t make the list. But it did. They decided to make much more egregious omissions, but we’ll get to that in due time. This is one of my all-time favorites. Incredibly unique and outstanding in every way. I saw the damn thing three times in the theaters because I had to make sure everyone I knew saw it. It didn’t make its way into the popular consciousness like some of the other movies, so a #1 ranking is out. But glad to see it on the list. 24. A Room With a View (1986)
Shouldn’t remembering a movie ever existed also be a prerequisite for a “classic”? 25. Shrek (2001)
I have no problem with Shrek. Very fun and entertaining, though #25 is probably high. 26. Hoop Dreams (1994)
I’m told this is outstanding and I hear it referenced quite a bit. I guess I should see it before I make any further comment. But for now I’m cool with its inclusion. 27. Aliens (1986)
“Game over, man.” Great movie. No complaints. 28. Wings of Desire (1988)
Is this a joke? Does ANYONE remember this movie at all? Didn’t they remake it into that Nic Cage/Meg Ryan Goo Goo Dolls debacle? 29. The Bourne Supremacy (2004)
Which Bourne movie is this again? I get them mixed up. Whatever, they were all good. Definitely one deserved inclusion. 30. When Harry Met Sally… (1989)
On TV all the time, text book “new classic.” 31. Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Haven’t seen it yet. But it has achieved enough to be included. 32. Fight Club (1999)
Borderline, but no arguments from me. 33. The Breakfast Club (1985)
As the 80s teen representative, sure, why not? Better than Pretty in Pink or Sixteen Candles. But maybe this spot should have gone to Say Anything? Or maybe they both should have made it? Thoughts? Comments? 34. Fargo (1996)
Great movie. Not nearly as rewatchable or as enjoyable as The Big Lebowski. So where is that on the list? 35. The Incredibles (2004)
Probably my favorite Pixar film. 36. Spider-Man 2 (2004)
Eh. I’m kind of over the Spider-Man movies. But sure, why not. 37. Pretty Woman (1990)
Not my cup of tea, but it wasn’t awful and it definitely has made its mark. 38. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
Very good movie. But a new classic? Not so much. Of the Charlie Kaufmann crazy flicks, I prefer Being John Malkovich. 39. The Sixth Sense (1999)
I guess so. But you can only watch it once. And M. Night Shamalamadingdong’s recent output has, for better or for worse, made me look back with a much less kind eye to this one. 40. Speed (1994)
Another shocking inclusion. I wouldn’t have thought of it, but this is a pretty damn good action flick. And very rewatchable. Why not? 41. Dazed and Confused (1993)
Absolutely. 42. Clueless (1995)
Kind of nice to see this right after Dazed and Confused as they are kind of two sides to the same coin. I wasn’t the target audience for this one, but it works. 43. Gladiator (2000)
Still excellent. I have no problem jumping in at any point when I find it on TV. One of TNT’s “new classics” so it must be good. 44. The Player (1992)
Haven’t seen it, but I’ve heard good things. But has it really made its mark on pop culture enough to be a classic? 45. Rain Man (1988)
Definitely Rain Man. Definitely. 46. Children of Men (2006)
Too soon. Very very good film. But it feels like it just came out. We need some time to rewatch and reevaluate before we can dub something “classic.” Besides, I’m not sure the public at large has seen it or even knows about it. 47. Men in Black (1997)
Big dumb movie. Should not be anywhere near this list. Entertaining enough, I guess, but not classic. If you had to go with one of these mid-90s 4th of July Will Smith pictures, I’d argue for Independence Day. You know, the one where an Apple Computer saves the world? 48. Scarface (1983)
Good movie? Check. Quotable? Check. Part of the popular culture? Check. New classic? Check. 49. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)
I liked this a lot. Very cool and influential. Not sure it stayed with the culture enough to be included, but okay. It does lose points for giving Ang Lee the clout to do The Hulk. Unforgivable. 50. The Piano (1993)
Haven’t seen it. No desire to. Next. 51. There Will Be Blood (2007)
TOO SOON. 52. The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad (1988)
Check it out. A Naked Gun movie made it? Sweet. Now where’s Spaceballs? 53. The Truman Show (1998)
Hmmm… not sure about this one. Not a bad movie in the least, but….kind of borderline as a classic. 54. Fatal Attraction (1987)
Of course. The fingerprints of this movie are everywhere. 55. Risky Business (1983)
This too. Kind of. 56. The Lives of Others (2006)
I don’t remember this movie at all. So, NEXT. 57. There’s Something About Mary (1998)
Classic Farrelly Brothers. But Dumb & Dumber also needs to be on this list somewhere. 58. Ghostbusters (1984)
“Cats and Dogs living together! Mass hysteria!” 150% yes. 59. L.A. Confidential (1997)
One of the great underrated movies of the 90s. Crazy good. Absolutely should make it. 60. Scream (1996)
Eh. I guess so. Borderline. 61. Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
An 80s Eddie Murphy flick needed to be on here and this is probably his best. 62. sex, lies and videotape (1989)
In a way, it made Pulp Fiction possible and started the “indie” movement. 63. Big (1988)
Sure. Not my favorite or anything, but I’m okay with its inclusion. 64. No Country For Old Men (2007)
TOO SOON. And what was with that pacing and structure? Very good, but…too many buts… 65. Dirty Dancing (1987)
I’m not the demo, but chicks dig the Swayze mullet… 66. Natural Born Killers (1994)
Too over the top for me. I’d lean towards Platoon or JFK for Oliver Stone. Seriously, where the hell is Platoon on this list? 67. Donnie Brasco (1997)
Solid flick, but again, in what way is it “classic”? 68. Witness (1985)
Harrison Ford + the Amish = classic 69. All About My Mother (1999)
Maybe. But only because Penelope Cruz is smokin’ hot. No, I’ve never seen the movie. 70. Broadcast News (1987)
Really? I forgot this movie existed. Cross it off the list. 71. Unforgiven (1992)
WAY too low. A practically perfect film. 72. Thelma & Louise (1991)
Yeah, not one of my favorites, but it made its place in the pop culture canon. 73. Office Space (1999)
Great movie. Definition of a “new classic.” 74. Drugstore Cowboy (1989)
Not so much. Again, if I haven’t seen it or, more importantly, I don’t care that I haven’t seen it, I can’t call it a classic. 75. Out of Africa (1985)
I almost said “see #74,” but the more I think about it, I probably should see this. Sydney Pollack is one of the greats. Was Tootsie ineligible? (Yes.) 76. The Departed (2006)
Also probably too soon. Good, even great movie. But may not hold the test of time like a Goodfellas. 77. Sid and Nancy (1986)
Probably worthy. But have enough people seen it? I haven’t. 78. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
Governor Arnie had to be represented. But why no Kindergarten Cop? “It’s not a TOO-mah!” (kidding)
79. Waiting for Guffman (1996)
Great movie in the Spinal Tap vein. But again, has it been seen enough or entered the pop culture enough to be a “classic”? 80. Michael Clayton (2007)
Also a great movie and I hope it does become a new classic. But it came out, what? Last week? Too soon to tell. 81. Moonstruck (1987)
Any movie starring Cher cannot be a classic in my book. Maybe Mask. Nah. Jim Carrey scared me too badly as a child with that deformed face. Creepy. 82. Lost in Translation (2003)
Yes, the above confusion of The Mask with Jim Carrey and Mask with Cher and Eric Stoltz was intentional. Sorry it wasn’t funnier. Similar to this movie. I thought it was pretty good, but hardly “classic.” Where’s funny Bill Murray? Speaking of which, where is Groundhog Day or even What About Bob? (my Bill Murray guilty pleasure). “Keep sailing, Bob.” 83. Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (1987)
Any movie that has spawned about 77 DVD versions deserves its classic status. Bruce Campbell kicks ass. 84. Sideways (2004)
Another good movie. But to paraphrase a sports Hall of Fame argument - its not the Hall of Good. It should be the best of the best. And Sideways just isn’t quite there. 85. The 40 Year-Old Virgin (2005)
Similar argument to #84. Good movie. But didn’t Anchorman or even Superbad become more a part of the pop culture? Actually, I’d argue that Wedding Crashers should have this slot, if it came down to one or the other. And that being the case, Wedding Crashers should also be much higher on the list, if not in the top 10. 86. Y Tu Mamá También (2002)
Your Mom’s a tambien…. I haven’t seen it and I don’t know anyone who has. Or if they have, they haven’t been vocal about it. Amores Perros, with the same actor, would probably be a better choice. But even that didn’t make the pop culture canon. 87. Swingers (1996)
Vegas, Baby. Vegas. Great flick. 88. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
Watered down a bit by the two sequels, this is still one of the best comedies of the 90s and inarguably a major part of pop culture, still today. 89. Breaking the Waves (1996)
I remember EW choosing this as their best film of 1996. I didn’t want to see it then and I don’t want to see it now. 90. Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
One of the funniest poorly made movies I’ve ever seen. The quotes make it worthy. 91. Back to the Future (1985)
WAY TOO LOW. A classic in every way. “You are my density.” 92. Menace II Society (1993)
Shouldn’t this be Boyz N the Hood? 93. Ed Wood (1994)
Mentioned above. Excellent movie. But not really one the average joe on the street would have seen. So the classic status is iffy. 94. Full Metal Jacket (1987)
Heck yeah. Freaked me out as a kid. Plus Kubrick should be represented and Eyes Wide Shut sure as heck wasn’t going to make the list. 95. In the Mood for Love (2001)
I didn’t care for this movie, though I know others worship it. I’d say many more have never heard of it. Doesn’t it seem like EW threw some foreign films on the list just to seem “hip”? I’d even argue Life is Beautiful is more deserving than the other foreign films because at least Americans have heard of it and actually went to see it… 96. Far From Heaven (2002)
What? Seriously? This didn’t even make a dent in the pop culture consciousness. 97. Glory (1989)
Outstanding movie and one every high schooler taking American History will watch. 98. The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999)
One of the worst movies I’ve ever paid to see. For shame. Get it off the list immediately. Matt Damon is still doing penance for this atrocity. Boring. Boring. Boring. 99. The Blair Witch Project (1999)
Definitely made its way into the cultural conversation, but ultimately, is it a good movie? Is it rewatchable? Not so much. 100. South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut (1999)
Another “hip” pick, but this one makes a lot more sense. Really really funny.
So it looks like at least 30 of the movies above should be kicked off the list. I do want to be clear: I’m not arguing that they are bad movies, necessarily (I’m looking at you, Men in Black…I mean, really!? REALLY!?). I’m just saying that they’re aren’t “classic” in any realistic sense of the word.
Here are a few that I think were wrongly stricken from the list and, EW endorsement or not, are actual new classics. As EW did, I used 1983 as the cut off. Unlike them, the movie has to be at least a year old to get consideration. These are mostly just off the top of my head, with a little help from the IMDB.
Keep in mind; these aren’t necessarily my personal favorites. They are simply the movies I feel have made their way into the cultural conversation and have a certain baseline of high quality. I’m listing these in no particular order because order is pretty much irrelevant. It’s a yes or no question. Classic? Yup.
These are the most egregious oversights. They all should 100% be on the list, no excuses:
The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
The Princess Bride (1987)
The Big Lebowski (1998)
Wedding Crashers (2005)
Major League (1989)
Spaceballs (1987)
The Karate Kid (1984)
Groundhog Day (1993)
The Wedding Singer (1998)
Dumb & Dumber (1994)
The Usual Suspects (1995)
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)
Return of the Jedi (1983)
Braveheart (1995)
Platoon (1986)
The Fugitive (1993)
Field of Dreams (1989)
Aladdin (1992)
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)
The Hunt for Red October (1990)
Forrest Gump (1994)
Sleepless in Seattle (1993)
Clerks (1994)
Planes, Trains & Automobiles (1987)
Finding Nemo (2003)
Now the ones below would get strong consideration for the list, but may not completely fulfill all my criteria. That being said, they all would probably bump at least 35 other movies off the list in a head to head battle (definitely Men in Black):
School of Rock (2003)
Happy Gilmore (1996)
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)
Batman (1989)
Batman Begins (2005)
Good Will Hunting (1997)
Se7en (1995)
Amadeus (1984)
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)
Heat (1995)
Stand by Me (1986)
A Christmas Story (1983)
Dead Poets’ Society (1989)
Beauty and the Beast (1991)
A Few Good Men (1992)
Shakespeare in Love (1998)
Old School (2003)
Ocean’s Eleven (2001)
Top Gun (1986)
Bad Santa (2003)
X2 (2003)
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006)
A League of their Own (1992)
Rounders (1998)
Driving Miss Daisy (1989)
Yes, I tried to sneak Robin Hood by you. It’s a favorite from my childhood. What are you gonna do?
And despite the length of this post, I’m still certain I forgot some. So please, comment away on worthy additions. Or chastise me for getting this horribly wrong. I can take it.
And like I said, we’ve still got their list of television shows and music albums to cover. I’m back, baby! A good time will be had by all…
Why is every movie on an airline a chick flick? This weekend on an American flight from Chicago to Los Angeles I sat through this alarmingly awful movie called “Definitely, Maybe.” I didn’t listen to the audio but I gather that the plot involves Ryan Reynolds being a massive tool.
Remember the good old days when they used to show pornography on the plane? The airline would serve its three course dinner centered around Beef Bourguignon and in between the first and second course they would start the feature. Occasionally you’d get a stinker like “Whorish Seduction” but more often than not you’d get treated to classics like “Asian Gangbang Sluts 5” or “Penetration Station” (you know, the one with trains). You’d be enjoying your delicious meal with plenty of legroom while the adult film starlet du jour gets probed anally by your classic hairy overweight male porn star. The time passed with ease and you got to your destination with a smile.
Nowadays, the flight attendants won’t even give you a handjob if you asked them, I think that’s plain wrong. You pay large fees, $15 to check a bag, $4 for a cookie, I think the least the service can do is to let you ejaculate all over their precious seats. Knowing them, they’d probably charge you a cleanup fee. This isn’t like the good old days.
The bigger problem is if the airline will stop showing men pounding on women doggiestyle and stop blowing their customers then I fear this reduction in service quality will trickle down to other aspects of society. Pretty soon, it will be illegal to urinate in the corner of a Denny’s or to eat bald eagle heads while skinny dipping at the Holiday Inn. The freedom to do such things is what makes America great.
The easy party to blame for all this would be American Airlines. And sure it’s easy to blame the Moral Majority for treating us like children who shouldn’t eat steak with our graphic sexual content. But, I think the problem runs deeper. No the real culprit is corporate bigwigishness and its culture of greed. Because of them, pornography as in-flight entertainment is seen as an extra as opposed to a necessity. Because of them, airlines realize if they cut back on such amenities they can save a few pennies, leading to the reduction in the number of circus clowns on planes and the almost total eradication of mud wrestling on cross-country ventures. Because of them, buying drugs from the flight attendants is almost non-existent nowadays. It almost isn’t worth it to get on a plane anymore.
But I can’t dwell on the past and reminisce about the good old days. Gas is nearly $8 a gallon and it’s not even legal to steal it anymore. It’s a different time, a different economy. But no matter what the airlines take away from me, I’ll always have the time that I saw three girls bring out a three-headed dildo on a red-eye to Rochester. Yeah, those were the good old days.
Oh boy, I did lots today. Today was so super. Here is a list of the top eight things I did today:
1. I saw a trailer for Speed Racer today. It was a really cool trailer. I think I want to make a list of the Top 12 trailers of movies based on old cartoons. This would be different from the list I proposed of the top 12 movies based on old cartoons because it would just be about the trailers
2. I had an awesome breakfast. The top five things in my breakfast today, in no particular order, were scrambled eggs, whole wheat toast, crispy bacon, Valencia orange juice, and strawberry jam. I don’t know if it ranks in my top 15 breakfasts of all time, but it certainly ranks in my top nine homemade breakfasts of all time
3. I got in a heated debate about American Idol today with one of my coworkers. She said that David Archuleta was the greatest Idol contestant whose last name ended in a vowel and I said he wouldn’t even crack the top four, what with Fantasia Barrino, Justin Guarini, Bo Bice, and Kimberly Locke. She said nuh-uh, Locke doesn’t end with a vowel and I said yeah-huh. And she was totally better. Remember that song “8th World Wonder.” That has numbers and words. I like numbers and words. It’s almost like a list but not quite
4. I thought of several lists today. The top three lists I thought of were Top 25 Movies featuring veterinarians, Top 15 actors who appeared in Burger King commercials (Elisabeth Shue, I’m thinking you’re up there!), and Top 50 uses of synthesizers in 80s songs. Those are awesome lists.
5. I got home early so I was able to catch up on the TiVo for my favorite show: E’s “The Daily 10.” That show is so cool. It puts entertainment news in list form, which makes it more important to me. They should really do the news news, like the Darfur stuff, you know, in list form. It would make it so much easier to follow.
6. I did a list with Roman numerals instead of numbers, and that was kind of neat. Numbers are better for lists, but Roman numerals are good for a change of pace or if you meet a Roman and you want to speak his language. Letters are OK too, but you’re going have so many letters in the actual list, you should just use numbers. I think it goes, in order, numbers, Roman numerals, letters, and then wingdings. Wingdings are the worst because they’re weird.
7. Someone posted a comment that it was so much better years ago when Entertainment Weekly put out an important list once or twice a year, but I totally nailed that guy. I gave him 20 reasons why daily lists are better than biannual lists and I ordered them from least awesome to most awesome which is the best way to structure a list. It was definitely in the top 75 responses to a reader complaint about our lists of all time. So eat that, hotpants17!
8. I bought an orangutan.
So that was my day. Out of all the days in the week it was definitely in the top 7 Write to you tomorrow!
So this year’s edition of Rock of Love, Rock of Love 2 with Brett Michaels, ended on Sunday with Ambre taking the crown as Brett’s “rock of love.” Amidst a sea of skanks, media-whores, and women of ill repute, Ambre displayed class, poise, and the perfect dose of sexiness to woo the lead singer of Poison. Her performance was undeniably a thing of beauty. One may even call it Jordanesque. In fact, Ambre’s rise to “rock of love” status has a distinct correlation to the career of Michael Jordan. As Michael Jordan established himself as the most prolific basketball player of his generation, Ambre established herself as the greatest female suitor in the Rock of Love house.
Episode 1: When the women whore themselves out to Brett on their first day seeing him, Ambre stays back and chooses to stay above the fray. She almost gets cut from the show, but, stunningly, Jackye quits on her own and Ambre is given another chance.
Connection to MJ: Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, thus establishing his legend of overcoming an early obstacle
Episode 2: Ambre takes advantage of her second chance by being amongst the top three in the Peep Show, where the contestants had to demonstrate a talent for Brett. Ambre’s talent was “giving presents” so she wrapped herself up in a bow and unwrapped herself for Brett. This showed Brett that she was interested in him, that she was sexy, and that she was creative.
Connection to MJ: Jordan truly burst onto the scene early on when he hit the game winning shot in the NCAA Championship game as a Freshman against Georgetown. While Jordan was surrounded by stars much more highly touted than he (as was Ambre), Jordan established himself as a clutch performer.
Episode 3: Ambre fights hard but ultimately loses in the Roller Derby where they have to protect baby Brett. She stays above the fray when other girls try to interrupt Kristy Joe’s solo date
Connection to MJ: Probably the hardest direct correlation of the lot, but let’s compare this to Jordan falling to third in the 1984 NBA Draft. He wasn’t bitter or frustrated, but it put a chip on MJ’s shoulder so he could go out and prove he was the best.
Episode 4: Ambre continues to shine as her team wins the “motorcycle repair” challenge and Ambre gets to do a 50s style photo shoot. Ambre’s classic and classy beauty is perfect for the shoot. But the other bitches on her team, like Megan, contnue to rag and hate on her.
Connection to MJ: Jordan’s rookie year was nothing less of sensational. Jordan’s athleticism and ability to score coupled with a photo on the cover of Sports Illustrated with the title “A Star is Born” turns Jordan into the next superstar. He gets selected to the All-Star game but bitches on his team, like Isaiah Thomas, hate on him and try to freeze him out.
Episode 5: In the second annual Mud Bowl, Ambre clearly leads her team in an unlikely and epic athletic performance. Ambre squares off against Daisy (it really was between these two the whole time, wasn’t it?) with mud and blood flying. She gets injured but battles through. The game goes into overtime, but in the end Ambre loses.
Connection to MJ: Coming off an injury-plagued season, Jordan faces off against Larry Bird and the Boston Celtics in the Boston Garden for a memorable playoff game. Jordan puts in a record 63 points in an epic athletic performance. The game goes into overtime, but in the end Jordan loses.
Episode 6: After battling through her injuries, Ambre shines in the cowgirl competition, riding against a professional rider in Katherine, and her team wins. Jessica gets the MVP and the solo date. On the group date, while Ambre talks and connects with Brett emotionally, Kristy Joe steals the spotlight by making out hard with Brett in the “dinner in the dark.” But Ambre was winning Brett over as the most complete player in the game.
Connection to MJ: Jordan comes back the following season from his injury and puts up the most prolific numbers of his career, 37.1 ppg, over 200 steals and 100 blocks (first time in NBA history, 86% from the line and 48% from the field, but Magic Johnson won the MVP and the NBA title. Others would win titles and MVPs, but Jordan established himself as the most complete player in the game.
Episode 7: Ambre partners with Kristy Joe for a performance for war veterans. They lose, but Ambre comes through with one of her most clutch performances in the series. When Brett asks everyone at dinner which girls are there for the wrong reasons, all the girls hesitate to rock the boat with honesty, except for Ambre who takes a big shot at Kristy Joe. Ambre’s honesty was exactly what Brett wanted and she got the first VIP pass. She had frontrunner status from then on.
Connection to MJ: MJ took his own shot – known to the basketball world and especially to Cleveland fans as “The Shot”, hitting a straight-on jumper over Craig Ehlo at the buzzer of Game 5 in a first round series, propelling the Bulls to the next round of the playoffs. That game-winner established Jordan as the top clutch shooter in basketball and the most feared player with the ball in his hands.
Episode 8: In an episode where the girls have to make a music video, Ambre steps up and directs, and considering her limited resources did a very good job. Megan derisively says, “What does she think she is, Martin Scorsese?” but Ambre’s effort compared to the orgy masturbation video turned in by Daisy’s crew wins her a solo date with Brett where they connect on a spiritual level. Ambre is distancing herself from the competition, a passing of the torch of sorts from former frontrunner Daisy.
Connection to MJ: Jordan wins his first championship, adding leadership to his immense talents and pushing the Bulls past pre-AIDS Magic Johnson and the LA Lakers for the title. It was a passing of the torch from Magic to Michael, and MJ would never look back.
Episode 9: Ex-boyfriends infilrate the house and Ambre is expecting her ex-fiancee to dish dirt on her. To Ambre’s surprise, her best friend has come instead. While Brett gets dirt from ex-boyfriends, Ambre gets nothing but praise from her friend. In the same episode, a bombshell is dropped that Daisy still lives with her ex in a one-bedroom apartment. This will ultimately crush any chance Daisy has of winning Brett’s trust.
Connection to MJ: This is like when Jordan hit six three pointers in the first half of a Finals game in 1992, with 3 pointers not really the most noted part of his game, and threw his arms up to the announcers on the sideline. He didn’t know he had it in him and it seemed like Jordan was leading a charmed life. And Magic’s AIDS equals Daisy’s ex situation. She could never recover.
Episode 10: The girls go to Vegas and Ambre seemingly fades away, letting Daisy’s ex-relationship and Jessica’s drunkenness take the spotlight. Being out of the spotlight only seems to highlight her sanity and makes her stronger as a counterpoint to the other girls.
Connection to MJ: Jordan went away to play baseball. His absence from the game only seemed to highlight his importance to the game. Also, Michael Jordan did a little movie called “Space Jam” where he shined against several cartoonish characters in a ridiculous contest. That’s quite a parallel, isn’t it? (By the way, the Space Jam lineup of the greatest players in the game: Muggsy Bogues, Larry Johnson, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, and Shawn Bradley? First of all, the best players in the game? Really? And who’s the shooting guard? Grand-ma-ma? A quick team with good guard play destroys them. I could never take this film seriously.)
Episode 11: Ambre faces her toughest obstacle. Ambre’s dad reveals to Brett that she is 37. Problem is, she told Brett she was 32. Honesty, or lack thereof, thwarted girls’ chances in the past. But what does Ambre do? She tells Brett she loves him. She rises above. And then in the elimination, she lets Daisy take the hero role in outing Destiney’s lack of love for Brett.
Connection to MJ: Jordan overcomes the flu in game 5 of the 1997 Finals in one of the greatest single performances in NBA history, rising above adversity to will his team to victory. And then in the decisive game 6, Jordan passed up the game-winning shot to Steve Kerr.
Episode 12: In a head-to-head duel with Daisy, Ambre is called out as not being sexy. Ambre responds by delivering the death blow. She seduces Brett, gives him an erotic massage, declares at dinner that she wasn’t wearing underwear, and then shows the goods Basic Instinct style. What does Daisy do under pressure? She vomits on a boat. Not only is Ambre saner, she becomes sexier and willing to deliver under pressure. It was the performance that truly sealed Ambre’s legacy.
Connection to MJ: In a crucial back and forth deciding Game 6 of the 1998 Finals, Michael Jordan takes over the end of the game, which many suspect may be his last, stealing the ball and putting on an offensive exhibition in the last minute, culminating with a game-winning shot over Bryon Russell. It was the shot that could forever define his legacy.
Now it wasn’t truly the end of Michael Jordan’s career and the tour won’t end for Ambre either. Jordan sputtered as an owner and had a comeback in a Wizards jersey that many of us would like to forget. All I’m saying is, it might be really creepy if Ambre breaks up with Brett, later goes on to own a less successful band like, say, Winger, and then in a desperate attempt to revitalize the band starts dating Kip Winger. That amount of parallel would be frightening.
I wrote a video for Phillip Wilburn, a very good impressionist at Big News who gets a good amount of hits on funnyordie. It’s the first installment of “Straight Talk With John McCain” Check it out
Dr. Phil has been criticized for his involvement in trying to help Britney Spears. Maybe Dr. Phil is an opportunist or maybe he truly cares, but the better question is “Would he help?” Would he be a good doctor for Ms. Spears to visit? So I’ve decided to compile a list of noted doctors. We’ll take a look at how they would treat Britney Spears and whether they would be a Good Doctor or a Bad Doctor.
Dr. Drew Pinsky Treatment: Bring her into Celebrity Rehab where she can detox and discuss her problems with the guy from Taxi and a couple porn stars. Analysis: The self-described addictionologist can help wean Britney off her drink of choice – Red Bull, Vodka, and Cherry NyQuil – and get her the medical attention she needs. But more importantly, she can take a look at the has-beens in front of her and improve her self-esteem by repeating to herself, “It’s Britney, bitch.” Would this make her more likely to believe she doesn’t really have a problem comparatively? Maybe. But Dr. Drew can show Britney barely living examples of where she could be if she doesn’t get her life in order. And his experience on Loveline can help her get out of the unhealthy relationship with Adnan Ghalib. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Doc Brown Treatment: Transport Britney back to the start of her career so she can live her life differently. Analysis: Doc Brown would sit Britney down in the Delorean and take her back to the late 90s, during “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” when she was still a virgin (insert winking emoticon) She would realize that she should keep better company, live a better lifestyle, realize she can do better than JT (that may be a stretch), and determine that her talents lie solely in her delicious late 90s ass. When she realizes people will get sick of her vocals and her crazy partying, she can channel her career into more acting roles, fitness videos, and any other thing she can more accurately copy from Madonna’s body of work. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. Laura Treatment: Blame all Britney’s troubles on her kiss with Madonna and attempt to cure Britney of her homosexuality Analysis: Dr. Laura’s diagnosis would not help because making Britney more heterosexual would make her more likely to pop out additional babies, and that’s only going to augment her problems because she has trouble taking care of the kids she already has. And two women kissing doesn’t necessarily make them homosexual, it makes them awesome. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Dre Treatment: Try to revitalize Britney’s music career by laying down sick beats. Analysis: Now here’s a solution! What better way to revitalize a music career than collaborating with one of the greatest producers in Hip Hop history. Also, it’s a way to get at ex-lover JT by working with Timbaland’s predecessor as the preeminent music producer. Successful music can ultimately improve Britney’s self-esteem to the point where she becomes a contributing member of society. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. 90210 Treatment: Improve Britney’s self-image through plastic surgery. Analysis: Sadly, Britney would not benefit from Dr. 90210’s popular procedures. Breast augmentation is unnecessary since babies and ho-hos have already started that process. And any tummy tucks or lyposuction would be undone anytime the Cheesy Gordita Crunch is available at Taco Bell. Self image is always unstable when you consume the alcohol and drugs that she reportedly ingests. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. J Treatment: Embarrass Britney into a more healthy lifestyle by posterizing her with thunderous yet graceful dunks Analysis: The man who turned dunking into an art form when he transitioned from the ABA to the NBA would probably talk trash as he’s raining down slams and jams right in the Notorious B.S.’s face. While the rim-rocking display would be entertaining, it would more than likely not cure Britney of what ails her. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Giggles Treatment: Torture Britney through unlicensed and often ironic use of medical equipment. Analysis: There comes a time when drastic measures are necessary. And maybe a maniacal doctor taking revenge on the town that stoned his father to death is just the answer. Giggles’ witty pun-laden quips would get the message through Britney’s skull, most likely when he is jamming a sharp instrument through her skull. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR Dr. Pepper Treatment: Provide cola refreshment with the extra kick provided by its 23 flavors. Analysis: While surely refreshing and more accredited than competitor Mr. Pibb, Dr. Pepper would only remind Britney how much she likes her sugar-filled drinks to be complemented with Everclear or other alcoholic additives. She doesn’t need that. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Seuss Treatment: Provide life lessons in simple colorful rhyme schemes Analysis: Assuming Britney knows how to read, reading this children’s literature would be helpful in telling Britney how to behave like a good person instead of a skeezle, beezle, or bum. And as a bonus, if she reads these books with her children, she could look like a good mother even when she may not be one. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Juris Doctor Treatment: Instill Britney with knowledge about laws so she becomes better at not breaking them. Analysis: The more Britney learns about the law, the more she’s apt to actually break the law. For example, if she knew there was a law against public urination we would have seen her urinate in public already. She relishes the role of bad girl. It’s not her ignorance of the law that seems to be the problem, it’s her disdain for law.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Doc Martens Treatment: Give Britney a swift kick in the ass. Analysis: Simple. Straightforward. Effective. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
Dr. Atkins Treatment: Improve Britney’s physical condition by prescribing a low-carb lifestyle.
Analysis: Reducing carbs will only remove the non-alcoholic portion of Britney’s mixed drink, which will most likely make her more drunk and thus more of a problem. Also, Britney does not seem like she would stick to the regimen because of a lack of discipline and a lack of understanding of what carbohydrates are (Wait, if it’s Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, does that, like, burn the carbohydrates off, y’all?) For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Dr. Scholl’s Treatment: Give Britney’s feet a rest through shoe inserts that will have her “gellin’ like Magellan” Analysis: After years of being on the road and shooting highly choreographed music videos, maybe more comfortable shoes would help Britney relax into a more comfortable lifestyle. She could regain the precise and mildly pornographic dance moves that catapulted her to super-stardom instead of the lazy, immobile moves she displayed at last year’s VMAs. For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR
The Spin Doctors Treatment: Serenade her with such 90s alt-rock hits as “Two Princes” and “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” Analysis: While this jam band breaks out all the hits from their multi-platinum album Pocket Full of Kryptonite, Britney might realize that her music and subsequently her life, isn’t all that bad. I mean, they had their one album and faded into oblivion, while Britney keeps churning out hits even when she’s mentally unstable. To be honest, this is probably worse for The Spin Doctors. The fact that they would reunite and the best gig they can get is at Promises trying to convince Britney not to kill herself. It’s sad. For Britney, GOOD DOCTORS
And finally. . . Dr. Phil Treatment: State the obvious to Britney in a slow Southern drawl so she can understand that what she’s doing is often stupid Analysis: While Dr. Phil speaks the same language as Britney, his recommendations will probably fall on deaf ears because Britney knows mishandling her kids and abusing substances are bad for her. She just likes doing them. Some quack repeating it slowly in simple language isn’t a deterrent. It’s annoying. For Britney, BAD DOCTOR
Write to you tomorrow!
